Needed on Boyfriend in jail. . .

[tina01]

My boyfriend has been locked up since April of 2008. I've been doing all I possibly can to hold him down, from sending money weekly, putting money on the phone for us and his family, sending his children gifts from him, fixed his car, sent over 100 books and got magazine subscriptions, and visiting him whenever I can (At first it was weekly, until I started working overtime, now it's once a month), and everything else he could possibly ask for. I've been doing all this while maintaining my own household, continuing with college, and volunteering.

 

Well, anyway, I went to visit him last week and it dawned on me how he treats me on the visits. Sometimes the visits go well, but if the vending machines are broken, he sits and pouts for an hour about food. Every time I've ever visited him, it seems like his main concern is how much money I put on the card so he can eat as much as he wants. He also stares at other women during our visits. He usually compliments me and tells me I look beautiful, etc. but I always catch him staring off at other women. When I call him out on it he gets embarrassed and says its unconscious and then later apologizes over the phone. This past visit was the worst one yet. . .he got angry and was mean to me for an hour over the vending machines being broke and him wanting to eat. Then when he finally calmed down he sat and stared at another women off and on for about an hour. Then turned and looked at me and told me I'm gaining weight and my shoes are ugly. I was so hurt I wanted to cry. I spent so much time and energy putting myself together to see him. And not to mention drove 4 hours there and back (which I do each time).

The next day he called and quickly apologized and then asks how much money I'm sending him.

 

I just need some advice on this relationship. I truly love him, but I question his motives at times. He was good to me before he got locked up, but now he seems like as a**h***. He sends me letters and cards all the time confessing his love, but I'm leary about how he will treat me when he gets out in 3 months.

 

Advice PLEASE!!!!!

[Els]

I must confess, at first glance he sounds like a first-rate a**hole.

 

However, there can be a lot of possibilities about his sudden change of behaviour -- he didn't treat you like this before, did he? Perhaps he's wallowing in self-pity about his incarceration, jail is taking its toll on him and he's foolishly taking it out on you because you're the only one THERE and he can't help himself. Or perhaps he really is taking advantage of you.

 

I would suggest having a good long talk to him about how you feel and how much you're sacrificing for him... and if you feel he isn't appreciative you can actually stop putting so much effort and money on the line for him... but I wouldn't recommend ditching him entirely unless he really doesn't seem remorseful or willing to communicate about it in the least. It seems that you're the only one helping him at the moment, and to leave him in the time of his greatest need, even if he IS being a jerk, would not be something I personally would feel comfortable doing.

 

However, closely evaluating your relationship especially when he's out of jail and doesn't have an excuse to be all self-pitying anymore would be a good idea.

[Ramrod]

Please tell us this is a joke.

 

Do you have any idea the investment you are making in someone who clearly isn't worth it?

 

There are so many nice guys out there who would worship the ground you walked on if this is the level to which you are capable of commiting to another.

 

This guy, is a insensitive a-hole, a moocher, and of course, a loser.

 

But then he doesn't need to treat you right, because your self-esteem is in the crapper right?

 

Thank goodness you have enough sense to solicit opinions from other people, who I trust will come along and tell you like it is an not try to defend a classless jerk like your BF.

[2sunny]

you're kidding - right?

 

if not, then move! change your phone number and don't allow this loser to ever contact you again. and don't you dare go see him... he'll just criticize and manipulate you for more money!

[TMichaels]

Welcome to the forum. tina01.

 

If you don't mind me asking, why is your b/f in jail? Was it a first offense? How long is his sentence? How long were you seeing each other before his incarceration?

 

Don't mean to pry, but it's easier for people to give you feedback if they have a more complete picture of the issues involved.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Island Girl]

If you don't mind me asking, why is your b/f in jail? Was it a first offense? How long is his sentence? How long were you seeing each other before his incarceration?

 

I agree that this situation is a bit different and the answers would help get a better understanding of your position.

[amaysngrace]

Half the men who go to jail turn into jumbo sized a**h***s. I think it's only normal.

[Island Girl]

My boyfriend has been locked up since April of 2008. I've been doing all I possibly can to hold him down,

 

What does "hold him down" mean exactly. Please elaborate.

 

from sending money weekly, putting money on the phone for us and his family, sending his children gifts from him, fixed his car, sent over 100 books and got magazine subscriptions, and visiting him whenever I can (At first it was weekly, until I started working overtime, now it's once a month), and everything else he could possibly ask for. I've been doing all this while maintaining my own household, continuing with college, and volunteering.

 

Wow that is a lot on your plate.

 

I appreciate that you are trying to show how much you care and I know that you feel like he can't so you as the partner must do it all but it really isn't true.

 

Fixing his car (unless you are using it while he is incarcerated) is his responsibility, and you are giving his children gifts "from him" which alleviates his responsibility as a father as well. You are taking up his slack. He is there and he can write to them (he has plenty of time) he can make them cards, etc. which help him build more of a connection with them anyway.

 

You are giving a lot. You have given a lot. And that is great. It is wonderful that you can be so giving and thoughtful of others.

 

I just don't think you are thinking or caring about yourself the way that you should. The rest of my post will get to why I believe that and how I have come to that conclusion.

 

It has got to be pretty costly especially if you are also paying for the phone bills for his family. But why are you doing that? Don't they have their own money? Even if they do not, it is really up to them to make that happen if that is what they want. It certainly does not become your responsibility.

 

Well, anyway, I went to visit him last week and it dawned on me how he treats me on the visits. Sometimes the visits go well, but if the vending machines are broken, he sits and pouts for an hour about food.

 

Are you a vending machine mechanic? Do you break the machines when you get there so he won't be able to have his snacks?

I am thinking not. So why does he pout and ruin your time together because of that?

Don't answer that. He does it because you have spoiled him. You give him everything he wants and so he has no respect for you, the time you do not HAVE to spend with him but CHOOSE to spend with him is not valued.

 

He needs a reality check. He is behaving as a small child would - and a badly behaved child at that.

 

He is in Jail. He is lucky that someone on the outside even wants to spend time thinking about him, let alone make sure he has books, magazines, commissary money, etc. AND a visitor.

 

What do you do when he behaves that way?

 

My impression is that you try to appease him and just take his tantrum.

I can not understand why you don't just tell him point blank "you don't appreciate the fact that I have made the time and put the effort in to come and see you. You are acting like a spoiled toddler instead of a man and that is not what I need in my life. I am having a terrible time and I'm leaving."

 

Every time I've ever visited him, it seems like his main concern is how much money I put on the card so he can eat as much as he wants.

 

Again, why do you do that? Have you really taken the time to think about why you are kissing this man's behind and providing for his every possible desire while he treats you like a money machine?

 

He literally treats you as if you have no feelings at all and my guess is that you don't remind him that you do.

And I don't mean pleading with him or crying to him about how he is hurting you.

I mean standing up for yourself and demanding a level of respect because you are a human being who has choices and you very well can choose not to do what you do.

I mean carrying yourself and treating yourself with a certain level of respect and making sure that those around you treat you respectfully as well.

 

He also stares at other women during our visits. He usually compliments me and tells me I look beautiful, etc. but I always catch him staring off at other women. When I call him out on it he gets embarrassed and says its unconscious and then later apologizes over the phone.

 

This has happened more than once. This is may be the only time when you have the ability to make it a point that he become aware of his actions and how they affect you.

 

He has a choice and it is not "unconscious". He just knows he can get away with it and you'll still be there right across the table, or on the phone, etc. He can openly disrespect you in this way the same as he does in other ways and you'll still be there.

 

THAT is what you need to change. You need to work on yourself and your self esteem but in the meantime you need to set some clear rules and boundaries of behavior. Any action that is devaluing of you or disrespectful in some way should be a call to action to speak up for yourself and walk out on him or hang up on him if you must.

 

You have to make up your mind that you will not be treated badly anymore and if he does so you end the visit or the conversation.

Don't talk about, don't put it out there as a threat that you never act on. You put it out there and when - notice I said when, not if (because there is no question that he will again do whatever it is you ask him not to), so when he does it again you get up and walk without additional explanation. If you are on the phone you hang it up and walk away.

 

He will think about it. He has nothing else to do and nothing else to occupy his thoughts. Use that to your advantage. Let him sit there a think long and hard about it.

 

Then don't answer the phone for a couple of days. Let him be reminded how easy it would be for him to lose you ESPECIALLY in his current situation.

 

This past visit was the worst one yet. . .he got angry and was mean to me for an hour over the vending machines being broke and him wanting to eat.

 

See, I would be extremely angry if the man I did so much for wasn't entirely focused on me and us if I went out of my way as you have.

 

There is no way I would have waited around for an hour for him to calm down. That would be a waste of an hour of my time. And my time is precious. How I spend it, what I spend it doing, and who I spend it with are all valuable things. I don't ever forget that and because I don't forget no one else does either.

 

This is what I wish I could implant in you. Because I guarantee you would see and hear a different man especially because of where he is.

 

Then when he finally calmed down he sat and stared at another women off and on for about an hour. Then turned and looked at me and told me I'm gaining weight and my shoes are ugly. I was so hurt I wanted to cry.

 

Of course you were hurt! All of the things he did and the horrible things he said were hurtful!

 

You should have walked out girlfriend. You should have stood and walked out. Then not answer the phone at all. He'd be freaking and writing you desperate letters.

 

And at least then you know he'd have thought about it long enough and hard enough to write about it and acknowledge what an idiot he is.

 

He does these things because he is a jerk. He says these things because he is a jerk. But my guess is that you are stuck on the jerk.

 

So at least make sure that he starts treating you better.

At least while he is in jail. You have all of the power right now. He can't even act powerful in the relationship.

There is a chance, however slight, that if you wake him up from his dream world now you won't have to deal with more of the same bad behavior when he gets out!

 

I spent so much time and energy putting myself together to see him. And not to mention drove 4 hours there and back (which I do each time).

 

You need to get him in check. He doesn't appreciate you or anything you do.

 

The next day he called and quickly apologized and then asks how much money I'm sending him.

 

And you accepted and sent him the money right? See that is why you need to ignore the phone and wait for a letter.

 

I just need some advice on this relationship. I truly love him, but I question his motives at times. He was good to me before he got locked up, but now he seems like as a**h***. He sends me letters and cards all the time confessing his love, but I'm leary about how he will treat me when he gets out in 3 months.

 

Advice PLEASE!!!!!

 

You have become his whipping post. Your are a doormat he wipes his feet on and you just take it and take it and take it.

 

You need to fix YOU. You need to remember that you are special and he is the lucky one.

You need to remember there are A LOT of men out there.

 

The only thing that makes a man special is the way he treats YOU and makes YOU feel.

 

You can replace a jerk really easily.

There are tons of those guys around so if this is how he behaves he becomes completely replaceable.

 

You can tell him that verbatim if you'd like.

[2sunny]

and you would find a lot of information useful if you apply the tools in the book Co-Dependent No More to your daily life.

 

read it - live it

[truthlovesme]

Honey you are being codependent. This is a very unhealthy relationship on you. You deserve more than this. Only time will allow you to believe that. I was with an alcoholic man who basically lived like he was in prison and I did everything I could to help him. He did not appreciate me. This man does not appreciate you. Granted even though it is difficult he is in prison, but listen, that's no excuse. You do not feel the love you need in your life. Let Go honey.... Have you ever seen that video by Alicia Keys called "Fallin"?

 

Here is it.... look at this. It's you:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=712cMG7DYY0

[Double Oh Seven]

My boyfriend has been locked up since April of 2008. I've been doing all I possibly can to hold him down, from sending money weekly, putting money on the phone for us and his family, sending his children gifts from him, fixed his car, sent over 100 books and got magazine subscriptions, and visiting him whenever I can (At first it was weekly, until I started working overtime, now it's once a month), and everything else he could possibly ask for. I've been doing all this while maintaining my own household, continuing with college, and volunteering.

 

Well, anyway, I went to visit him last week and it dawned on me how he treats me on the visits. Sometimes the visits go well, but if the vending machines are broken, he sits and pouts for an hour about food. Every time I've ever visited him, it seems like his main concern is how much money I put on the card so he can eat as much as he wants. He also stares at other women during our visits. He usually compliments me and tells me I look beautiful, etc. but I always catch him staring off at other women. When I call him out on it he gets embarrassed and says its unconscious and then later apologizes over the phone. This past visit was the worst one yet. . .he got angry and was mean to me for an hour over the vending machines being broke and him wanting to eat. Then when he finally calmed down he sat and stared at another women off and on for about an hour. Then turned and looked at me and told me I'm gaining weight and my shoes are ugly. I was so hurt I wanted to cry. I spent so much time and energy putting myself together to see him. And not to mention drove 4 hours there and back (which I do each time).

The next day he called and quickly apologized and then asks how much money I'm sending him.

 

I just need some advice on this relationship. I truly love him, but I question his motives at times. He was good to me before he got locked up, but now he seems like as a**h***. He sends me letters and cards all the time confessing his love, but I'm leary about how he will treat me when he gets out in 3 months.

 

Advice PLEASE!!!!!

 

You're a sugar mamma. Run away, now!