5 and a half years on - now together

[Dexter Morgan]

I've re-written this post so many times!!!

 

But all I want to say is....

 

If Love between two people is real.... it will make itself be real... everyday of your life.

 

No marriage certificate or vows or family or community pressure can alter the fact that Love will find a way. It will hurt, it will cause the most devastating pain to all involved...but if it's Love... then it will find a way. And Love will make it so that the Love can endure.

 

If it's NOT TRUE LOVE...it will not endure.

 

Just wait, the 7 year itch is a powerful thing to some.

[Reggie]

I dont think you should be looking for one to begin with if you are in committed relationship. That is where it gets tricky. Whether you work on your marriage first or just leave before you start looking for true love.

 

This is true. How does one in a committed relationship undertake this puruit of "True Love" honorably. Aside from the ethical and moral impediments, there are the logistics. Meeting surreptitiously, sporadically. away from both the stresses of everyday life and the scrutiny of friends and loved ones that can alert a lust blinded person to the flaws of the lover, does not seem to provide adequate information about what it will really be like. Most spouses cannot compete with an OM/OW and they are playing on a slanted field.

[jwi71]

Can someone...anyone...please explain WTF "true love" is?

And how would I recognize it?

 

And if I may...how do you KNOW you have found your "soul mate"? Is it the same person with whom you have "true love"? Are there some distinguishing characteristics?

 

You see, I'm not 100% happy 100% percent of the time with my W. And that was before her A. So does that mean she isn't my "true love"?

 

Maybe "true love" isn't necessarily bi-directional.

 

And how come "soul mates" tend to find each other after they have already married someone else?

 

Anyone?

[2sure]

Yes, it is an amazing coincidence that so very often the grass seems greener, the forbidden fruit unresistable, the one you cant have....

 

If you are not 100% happy with your partner 100% of the time, then of course you should be shopping for your true love, your soul mate - why should you miss the boat? The heart wants what it wants, whats meant to be will be

 

Oh yes, and make my day

[65tr6]

Can someone...anyone...please explain WTF "true love" is?

jw.....meant to answer some of the other questions you had for me but i will update that later...didnt want to hijack too much

 

back to your question....

 

for me...

 

There is no such thing as true love or soulmate. I try to keep it simple. I am committed to my wife. I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And I am not looking for any "true" love or "soulmate".

 

For some of us...who are not "happy" with their wives/husbands, go looking for "true" love because they are disappointed with the love they have in their current relationship and think that it was never actually "true" love. That's not what they signed up for when they got married. They never knew about "true" love when they got married or committed to each other or thought that they had "true" love. Not fair, is it ?

 

And yes it is easier to find "true" love and "soulmates" after you are married because you now have a reference object to measure against. Does this mean they actually found "true" love and "soulmates" ? I am not sure. The statistics say otherwise and morally it is worst thing you can perpetrate on your spouse. So you be the judge.

[herenow]

I have to admit that I didn't read this whole thread, so sorry if I'm redundant.

 

I do believe that if there is true love, then it will prevail. That is why I don't believe any of the excuses that MM give OW to stay with their wives. If the MM really does love the OW, then IMO he will leave the marriage.

 

However, I also think that MM who chose to have an affair have other issues. Many men and women are able to deal with the failure of their marriage without having affairs. With so many marriages ending in divorce, there is no reason to stay married to someone you don't love especially if said person loves an OW. A healthy person would see that and know how unfair it is to everyone involved. A real man would give his wife a chance to find her own "true love".

 

IMO, a person who has an affair and goes from his marriage to the AP without figuring out why he chose to be so deceitful, will continue his behavior no matter who he is with. So, good luck with that kind of "true love".

[Reggie]

I think that you will find, if you look into the way cheaters conduct themselves in other areas of their lives, that this "grass is always greener" thing is not confined to romance. The cheaters I know have a history of flitting form one interest, job, hobby, or whatever in addition to the instability in their romantic relationships.

So, it does not surprise me that these folks really subscribe to this belief that true love finds a way. Seems , invariably, they are dissapointed yet refuse to learn from their expieriences. Thye get the intial high, boredom sets in and they revert to searching, yet again.

It is understandable in a young person. But, the older folks that are still conducting themselves like this are sad.

[LovieDove24]

Kis, I don't discount your story, but you are living proof that if love was so true, you wouldn't be in the pain you are enduring. God never intended for love to hurt or to hurt others. That isn't his way and I stand firm on that statement. There is nothing naive about not wanting people to hurt so 2 people can call themselves soul mates. If they truly understood the meaning of what soul means, they would be appalled.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. Especially the bolded one.

[White Flower]

I have to admit that I didn't read this whole thread, so sorry if I'm redundant.

 

I do believe that if there is true love, then it will prevail. That is why I don't believe any of the excuses that MM give OW to stay with their wives. If the MM really does love the OW, then IMO he will leave the marriage.

 

However, I also think that MM who chose to have an affair have other issues. Many men and women are able to deal with the failure of their marriage without having affairs. With so many marriages ending in divorce, there is no reason to stay married to someone you don't love especially if said person loves an OW. A healthy person would see that and know how unfair it is to everyone involved. A real man would give his wife a chance to find her own "true love".

 

IMO, a person who has an affair and goes from his marriage to the AP without figuring out why he chose to be so deceitful, will continue his behavior no matter who he is with. So, good luck with that kind of "true love".

Excellent post Herenow!

 

I bolded the part about a 'failure of their marriage' because I would like to know how most people feel about that subject. When a man falls out of love with his wife, is that considered a failure? Did he fail at loving her? Or did the marriage fail because he no longer loves her? Or is it only a failed marriage once they have divorced?

 

IMO, exMM's M IS a failure even though on the outside it appears as successful because they are still together but he does not love her.

 

Hope I am not T/J.

[White Flower]

I think that you will find, if you look into the way cheaters conduct themselves in other areas of their lives, that this "grass is always greener" thing is not confined to romance. The cheaters I know have a history of flitting form one interest, job, hobby, or whatever in addition to the instability in their romantic relationships.

So, it does not surprise me that these folks really subscribe to this belief that true love finds a way. Seems , invariably, they are dissapointed yet refuse to learn from their expieriences. Thye get the intial high, boredom sets in and they revert to searching, yet again.

It is understandable in a young person. But, the older folks that are still conducting themselves like this are sad.

It would be a sad and confusing life; I have not seen it though. Every WS/AP I've ever known about had life long steady jobs and interests.

 

But I could see if someone had ADD or a similar dysfunction falling into a pattern like that. Actually, I do have a friend who has ADD. She has had many lovers in her life, but she only has one at a time and never overlaps them. She hates cheaters.

[LakesideDream]

I do believe that if there is true love, then it will prevail. That is why I don't believe any of the excuses that MM give OW to stay with their wives. If the MM really does love the OW, then IMO he will leave the marriage.

 

However, I also think that MM who chose to have an affair have other issues. Many men and women are able to deal with the failure of their marriage without having affairs. With so many marriages ending in divorce, there is no reason to stay married to someone you don't love especially if said person loves an OW. A healthy person would see that and know how unfair it is to everyone involved. A real man would give his wife a chance to find her own "true love".

 

IMO, a person who has an affair and goes from his marriage to the AP without figuring out why he chose to be so deceitful, will continue his behavior no matter who he is with. So, good luck with that kind of "true love".

 

 

Just curious Herenow, does the same apply to MW's ? These days it appears that there are just as many women who are stepping out of their marriages as men. The women's revolution has come full circle.. well almost.

 

I personally remember a married woman that I have known in the past two DECADES who exited a marriage, long term or otherwise without having a "soft place to land" (presumably with legs spread). That's human nature. Men are much more impulsive. It's much less common for a man to plan and conspire to end their marriage. They may be clowns, disrespectful, layabouts, .. but generally men don't plan ending marriages. That's something that "happens" to men. Oblivious? Maybe. Conspiritorial, seldom.

 

LS is a tough place to "man-bash" as there are a few articulate members of that class lurking about ready to take you to task.

 

As for "Real Man" status... I bet you even my ex would give me that status. Why do "real women" prefer construction workers? (humor there).

[bentnotbroken]

Excellent post Herenow!

 

I bolded the part about a 'failure of their marriage' because I would like to know how most people feel about that subject. When a man falls out of love with his wife, is that considered a failure? Did he fail at loving her? Or did the marriage fail because he no longer loves her? Or is it only a failed marriage once they have divorced?

 

IMO, exMM's M IS a failure even though on the outside it appears as successful because they are still together but he does not love her.

 

Hope I am not T/J.

 

 

I think it is a failure when both parties fail to recognize that "being in love" usually means "being in passion/lust" with their partner. Marriage is cyclical. It fails when one or both chose not to follow get help when the cycles are hard to deal with. If after both have given it their all and exhausted all possible avenues, then divorce successfully, without regret, remorse or disrespect. But being the humans that we are, most of us will never go that route because it requires more work than we are willing to put into it. The funny thing is it usually takes more work to carry on with multiple partners than to work with one. Go figure.

[White Flower]

I think it is a failure when both parties fail to recognize that "being in love" usually means "being in passion/lust" with their partner. Marriage is cyclical. It fails when one or both chose not to follow get help when the cycles are hard to deal with. If after both have given it their all and exhausted all possible avenues, then divorce successfully, without regret, remorse or disrespect. But being the humans that we are, most of us will never go that route because it requires more work than we are willing to put into it. The funny thing is it usually takes more work to carry on with multiple partners than to work with one. Go figure.

Agreed. Excellent post.

[desertmoon]

I think that you will find, if you look into the way cheaters conduct themselves in other areas of their lives, that this "grass is always greener" thing is not confined to romance. The cheaters I know have a history of flitting form one interest, job, hobby, or whatever in addition to the instability in their romantic relationships.

So, it does not surprise me that these folks really subscribe to this belief that true love finds a way. Seems , invariably, they are dissapointed yet refuse to learn from their expieriences. Thye get the intial high, boredom sets in and they revert to searching, yet again.

It is understandable in a young person. But, the older folks that are still conducting themselves like this are sad.

 

 

I disagree. I think the sweeping generalization is unfair, as most generalizations are. I was BS (still a BS but I do not feel betrayed anymore) who was also an OW of an MM. So, at some point in my life I was a cheater. Yet, I am definitely not one to jump from one thing to another, in my career, in my relationships, etc. I have always maintained the status quo. Granted, people of very low attention span will, most likely become cheaters (change is organic in their system), still most cheaters do not have low attention span.

[desertmoon]

I dont think people wake up thinking....It is time for me to look for true love. Oh, by the way, let me divorce my spouse first....(dont worry about the kids, finances, family...they dont mean sh*t because when you are looking for true love everything else pales into insignificance).

 

Exactly, 65! Normal people do not plan to fall in love with other people who are not their spouses! I do not know what true love is...but apparently, most people do not go about pursuing this! This thing called "true love" creeps up and by the time they realize it...they are hooked! so now comes decision time....to tell or not to tell...to walk away or not to walk away...This is why I do not trust people who base huge, major decisions in life on emotions! It's crazy...emotions run wild, they are unpredictable...they have to be controlled...etc.etc...

 

I guess when we take our vows (the first one) may be we should put a clause in there....."If this marriage does not result in true love then we should agree on a divorce and seek true love no matter what"

 

You are going to compel each other to search for true love????? LOL!!!! As if life is not complicated enough!

 

Vows should should start like this..."I promise to be honest about my feelings to you whether it will hurt you or not...

[OWoman]

I think that you will find, if you look into the way cheaters conduct themselves in other areas of their lives, that this "grass is always greener" thing is not confined to romance. The cheaters I know have a history of flitting form one interest, job, hobby, or whatever in addition to the instability in their romantic relationships.

So, it does not surprise me that these folks really subscribe to this belief that true love finds a way. Seems , invariably, they are dissapointed yet refuse to learn from their expieriences. Thye get the intial high, boredom sets in and they revert to searching, yet again.

It is understandable in a young person. But, the older folks that are still conducting themselves like this are sad.

 

I have a notoriously short attention span. I used to joke that I changed my lovers more frequently than my underwear. However while my interests are broad and varied, I'm capable of multi-tasking and maintaining several at once, and I'm able to develop and expand both myself within my job and my job itself so that I've not had the need to job-hop. (I have the long service awards to show for it.) So no, that kind of thing is not necessarily pervasive.

[OWoman]

The thing that strikes me about the different positions on this true love issue , is that those folks that have feelings that acting on attractions(love or whatever) while committed to another, are, actually, the true romantics. They seem to have a greater belief in "true love", the willingness to stick by someone after the initial excitement dies down, a willingness to overcome real obstacles(like mortgages, boredom, bills, fewer opportunities for sex, etc). than those that bolt when the going gets tough.

It just seems to me that the folks that cheat have a lower capacity for commitment and that is what defines true love for me.

Same with being hurt or bitter. The folks that have been affected so deeply by this, are so affected because of their belief that love is pure. Seems the cheating folks look on love as a much more casual emotion, IMO.

 

I don't agree with this. My father took his commitment very seriously - which was why he stayed with a woman he didn't love for so long, until the children had left home, before leaving her for the woman he did love. You may see that as warped - I certainly did as a child, and begged him to divorce my mother - but he saw that as taking his commitment seriously. He's now been happily married to his fOW for decades and is just as committed to her - only, he loves her as passionately as he ever did, and they're truly happy together.

 

My H was married for 30 years to his first W. He felt obliged to stay with her, despite the abuse, because he'd signed up to be committed and put his happiness behind hers and his sense of duty to his family. He takes these things terribly seriously, is rock solid when it comes to the drudgery and has really struggled with letting himself live and enjoy himself a little - it took the A and intensive counselling for him to accept that he also has needs, rights and passions and that he's also allowed to do some "getting" instead of having to do all the "giving" all the time. Love is certainly not a casual emotion for him - it's something he's really only ever felt once, besides the filial love he has for his kids and his family, and something he nurtures and cherishes and works very hard at taking care of.

 

My friend B was married with kids when he had an A during a low point in a very tempestuous M. He married his OW and has brought up her three kids - who have their share of difficulties - devotedly and their M is stronger than ever, after decades together. He's had several women throw themselves at him - he's an attractive guy in a powerful position - but has never looked at another woman and mostly doesn't even realise when someone is hitting on him. He's just not interested. He's committed to the point of being downright boring at times, and his eyes fill with love when he speaks of her.

 

Yes I know plenty of guys who were playas before they Md and continue to be playas even while Md, treating love and commitment as shirts to be put on and tossed on the floor as their moods change. But not all guys are dogs and not all MMs who land up in an A are cut from the same cloth. The earth is round and many different paths can bring you to the same place.

[65tr6]

Exactly, 65! Normal people do not plan to fall in love with other people who are not their spouses!

 

Stop right there desert. Yes normal people do not "plan" to fall in love with other people who are not their spouses... And yet it happens. Wonder why ? I know. Because it is not difficult to find someone when you are looking ! Even if you are not looking, if you are being "open" to the fact that there could be someone out there....is a good enough reason in my opinion, to fall in love....er "true" love.

 

Yes they may not go in pursuit of it but boy when they find it...do they convince themselves that it is "true love" or what.

 

This is why I do not trust people who base huge, major decisions in life on emotions! It's crazy...emotions run wild, they are unpredictable...they have to be controlled...etc.etc...

 

I am learning the dangers of acting on emotions/feelings. Such people in my opinion are not realistic. Not pragmatic. That is why it is so difficult to deal with WW who have EA..They have such strong feelings and their need to act on them is so intense they are willing to mow down anybody in their path.

 

 

You are going to compel each other to search for true love????? LOL!!!! As if life is not complicated enough!

 

I agree. I said before. To me life is simple. You fall in love, you get married. You work on it. You stay married. No "true" BS.

 

 

Vows should should start like this..."I promise to be honest about my feelings to you whether it will hurt you or not...

I say you make the couple write an essay on this before they are allowed to tie the nuptial knot.

[OWoman]

Vows should should start like this..."I promise to be honest about my feelings to you whether it will hurt you or not...

 

ours did!

[White Flower]

I don't agree with this. My father took his commitment very seriously - which was why he stayed with a woman he didn't love for so long, until the children had left home, before leaving her for the woman he did love. You may see that as warped - I certainly did as a child, and begged him to divorce my mother - but he saw that as taking his commitment seriously. He's now been happily married to his fOW for decades and is just as committed to her - only, he loves her as passionately as he ever did, and they're truly happy together.

 

My H was married for 30 years to his first W. He felt obliged to stay with her, despite the abuse, because he'd signed up to be committed and put his happiness behind hers and his sense of duty to his family. He takes these things terribly seriously, is rock solid when it comes to the drudgery and has really struggled with letting himself live and enjoy himself a little - it took the A and intensive counselling for him to accept that he also has needs, rights and passions and that he's also allowed to do some "getting" instead of having to do all the "giving" all the time. Love is certainly not a casual emotion for him - it's something he's really only ever felt once, besides the filial love he has for his kids and his family, and something he nurtures and cherishes and works very hard at taking care of.

 

My friend B was married with kids when he had an A during a low point in a very tempestuous M. He married his OW and has brought up her three kids - who have their share of difficulties - devotedly and their M is stronger than ever, after decades together. He's had several women throw themselves at him - he's an attractive guy in a powerful position - but has never looked at another woman and mostly doesn't even realise when someone is hitting on him. He's just not interested. He's committed to the point of being downright boring at times, and his eyes fill with love when he speaks of her.

 

Yes I know plenty of guys who were playas before they Md and continue to be playas even while Md, treating love and commitment as shirts to be put on and tossed on the floor as their moods change. But not all guys are dogs and not all MMs who land up in an A are cut from the same cloth. The earth is round and many different paths can bring you to the same place.

This was such a great post. Just as there are many different kinds of people, there are many different kinds of Rs. Some good, some bad, but all bring some kind of meaning to us. We all learn. And during that process, we hope to find true love.

[KismetGirl]

I don't agree with this. My father took his commitment very seriously - which was why he stayed with a woman he didn't love for so long, until the children had left home, before leaving her for the woman he did love. You may see that as warped - I certainly did as a child, and begged him to divorce my mother - but he saw that as taking his commitment seriously. He's now been happily married to his fOW for decades and is just as committed to her - only, he loves her as passionately as he ever did, and they're truly happy together.

 

My H was married for 30 years to his first W. He felt obliged to stay with her, despite the abuse, because he'd signed up to be committed and put his happiness behind hers and his sense of duty to his family. He takes these things terribly seriously, is rock solid when it comes to the drudgery and has really struggled with letting himself live and enjoy himself a little - it took the A and intensive counselling for him to accept that he also has needs, rights and passions and that he's also allowed to do some "getting" instead of having to do all the "giving" all the time. Love is certainly not a casual emotion for him - it's something he's really only ever felt once, besides the filial love he has for his kids and his family, and something he nurtures and cherishes and works very hard at taking care of.

 

My friend B was married with kids when he had an A during a low point in a very tempestuous M. He married his OW and has brought up her three kids - who have their share of difficulties - devotedly and their M is stronger than ever, after decades together. He's had several women throw themselves at him - he's an attractive guy in a powerful position - but has never looked at another woman and mostly doesn't even realise when someone is hitting on him. He's just not interested. He's committed to the point of being downright boring at times, and his eyes fill with love when he speaks of her.

 

Yes I know plenty of guys who were playas before they Md and continue to be playas even while Md, treating love and commitment as shirts to be put on and tossed on the floor as their moods change. But not all guys are dogs and not all MMs who land up in an A are cut from the same cloth. The earth is round and many different paths can bring you to the same place.

 

Amen.

 

Not that it matter OWoman. This board gets tiring sometimes....its doubtful anyone really changes anyone's mind around here. But I guess arguing can be fun anyway.

 

No two people, situations, or relationships are the same no matter how similiar the nuances of each seem. And yes, that guy who stays in the marriage "just for the kids" is legitimate and real, and sometime they really are staying for the kids and arent making excuses. I know more than one man who gave himself an arbitrary time line (eg- one said he would leave his mmarriage when the youngest child was a teenager. And he did, the very same year his youngest turned 13, he divorced. And it wasn't imminent....it took FIVE years fromt he time he started his affair with his OW for his youngest to turn 13. So for five years he was telling her he intended to leave when the youngest was a teen, and by golly, he wasn't just feeding her lines). And yes, there are those playa guys who don't care who or what they f**k as long as they're getting it, and those are the serial cheaters who frankly will never be happy with ANY one woman. And yes, there are those that married the wrong person and really aren't in love with them, and no amount of therapy or marriage counseling or threats or maintaing the passwords to their email accounts will change that.

 

C'est la vie. Life is life. You fall in love with the wrong people, all you can really controla re your actions. Affairs aren't the ideal way to address a situation, but human beings are by nature flawed and if they aren't being flawed in this way I guarantee you they have or are most likely f**king up somewhere else. For anyone on here who claims to have never made a mistaken decision in their lives....yeah, you are full of it. Sorry.

 

And that's my post for the month. This places give me a headache sometimes.....I swear I go through periods where posting on here makes me more stressed and depressed than when Im not! Maybe after Im done with these applications....hummmmmm....

[crazy love]

I don't agree with this. My father took his commitment very seriously - which was why he stayed with a woman he didn't love for so long, until the children had left home, before leaving her for the woman he did love. You may see that as warped - I certainly did as a child, and begged him to divorce my mother - but he saw that as taking his commitment seriously. He's now been happily married to his fOW for decades and is just as committed to her - only, he loves her as passionately as he ever did, and they're truly happy together.

 

My H was married for 30 years to his first W. He felt obliged to stay with her, despite the abuse, because he'd signed up to be committed and put his happiness behind hers and his sense of duty to his family. He takes these things terribly seriously, is rock solid when it comes to the drudgery and has really struggled with letting himself live and enjoy himself a little - it took the A and intensive counselling for him to accept that he also has needs, rights and passions and that he's also allowed to do some "getting" instead of having to do all the "giving" all the time. Love is certainly not a casual emotion for him - it's something he's really only ever felt once, besides the filial love he has for his kids and his family, and something he nurtures and cherishes and works very hard at taking care of.

 

My friend B was married with kids when he had an A during a low point in a very tempestuous M. He married his OW and has brought up her three kids - who have their share of difficulties - devotedly and their M is stronger than ever, after decades together. He's had several women throw themselves at him - he's an attractive guy in a powerful position - but has never looked at another woman and mostly doesn't even realise when someone is hitting on him. He's just not interested. He's committed to the point of being downright boring at times, and his eyes fill with love when he speaks of her.

 

Yes I know plenty of guys who were playas before they Md and continue to be playas even while Md, treating love and commitment as shirts to be put on and tossed on the floor as their moods change. But not all guys are dogs and not all MMs who land up in an A are cut from the same cloth. The earth is round and many different paths can bring you to the same place.

 

 

OW.

 

First and foremost, thank you for sharing your post. It is so refreshing to read a different perspective and I 100% agree with all that you said. You mentioned that your father took the "stick it out for the kids" route..I wondered do you have an siblings, and if so how did they take the news of his final decision to leave? Where they as understanding of the situation as you, or was there resentment?

[65tr6]

This board gets tiring sometimes....its doubtful anyone really changes anyone's mind around here. ..

 

really. I enjoy these kind of conversations. Despite the fact that we cannot change each others' mind.

 

And yes, there are those that married the wrong person and really aren't in love with them, and no amount of therapy or marriage counseling or threats or maintaing the passwords to their email accounts will change that. ....

 

I dont deny that people change and fall out of love all the time. Unfortunately a majority of them continue to lead that life. Some of them choose to have affairs while others honoroubly divorce.

 

The issues I have with people who think they married the wrong person is two fold....

 

1) Over 50% think they married the wrong person - if you look at the divorce rates...

2) They change and expect that marriage to be the same as before when they got married

 

The numbers are staggering. So, in other words, most of us think we married the wrong person. Mind you, it is not 1 or 2 percent but a whopping 50% or more. Worse, some of them are married more than once.

 

So then why marry at all. I wish we could come to an agreement. Let's try a "committed" relationship for about 5 years and see how that goes. Review at the end of 5 years and then both make a decision AS a couple. oh, it is best not to have kids in the meantime. And not make too many plans/dreams together in the meantime. Now, that's where it gets complicated to implement that 5 year contract.

 

OR

 

For some of us marriage is more than a simple love for another person. It is living life to the fullest. It is what you do with it. With your partner. You may not agree on many...in fact most....but you still make the best out of it.

 

 

You know, sometimes we make this concept of marriage a way too complex.

 

To me in life there is right and there is wrong. 40 years from now when I look back hopefully I can relax thinking I did things mostly the right way. I admit. I am no frick* saint. But that does not mean I dont know what is right from wrong. It takes a life changing event sometimes for someone to change. I believe in helping others, donating stuff...because I feel I am in a position to do that. My wife's affair only reinforced my values and beliefs in them. This board six months ago would have meant nothing for me. Would have been totally lost.

 

My wife is totally devastated by what she did. She is realising she did the worse thing possible in her life. She did the wrong thing. Could she have instead divorced me first and then had a relationship ? (the right way)..May be. But as I am finding out here on LS on daily basis, it does not work that way.

 

 

This places give me a headache sometimes.....I swear I go through periods where posting on here makes me more stressed and depressed than when Im not! Maybe after Im done with these applications....hummmmmm....

why is that ? Because others dont agree with your line of thinking ?

[KismetGirl]

 

why is that ? Because others dont agree with your line of thinking ?

 

No, because its just tiring sometimes....i dont expect everone to agree with everyone, but sometimes it seems liek the same conversations are going in circles, over and over again and its just mentally numbing sometimes.

 

Sometimes its helpful, but you know how sometimes you say the same word over and over and over out loud until it sounds totally nonsensical? Thats how i feel sometimes.

 

I cant help how I am, its not anything bad against anyone here. People give their advice and thats all they can give when you dont really know the people you are speaking to.

 

I dont think youre idea is all bad, if perhaps not realistic to how people act. People dont always think about why they get married....my MM , at least, used to say he married his W becayse he felt it was time to settle dna she felt comfortable, like home. Obviously thats not enough for him , but 8 years ago he didnt think about it that way. People don't really usually know themselves well enough when theya re younger to know what they'll want out of life, its just how it is, isnt it. My MM got married when he wasn't much older than I am now. Actually I think he was already engaged at this point, and pretty sure facing an end to his visa in this country, so I think he rushed into things a little faster than he might have had he not had those other pressures. At the time he thought he was doing the right thing, but I think that when you look at the fact that he's been cheating on his wife with me for half their marriage its evident something is missing there. He started cheating on her with me (and ive been the only OW) BEFORE they had three kids, before she was a stay at home mom, before the financial stressors came. The first night he kissed me, at the beginning of the night he told me about his wife after a few beers and i discintinly remember him saying "My W, you know, she's a good woman, she's a great mom, but I dont know, I guess, I dont know, there's just no spark there." I reminded him that he said that four years ago in the past several months and he got quiet and sighed. Because he knows its true and life has gotten so hectic for him with the money problems and the three kids that he doesnt think about his relationship with his wife anymore. And you know he's still pretty young...only 34, and his kids are all very small so I suspect it will still be several years before he stops focusing on the rest of his life for a moment long enough to realize what he's unhappy with. Right now his focus (and his wife's) is their small kids, and she stays home with the kids, and he works works works, and constantly complains about how broke he is and alot of stress and focus on kids makes it easy for him and her to focus on everything else except for the fact that their relationship has never had any real intimacy or passion. And hell, he gets that bit from me now doesnt he, so its even easier for him to avoid that little realization.

 

Affairs are not the answer to problems in a marriage, but a symptom, as many on here have said before....perhaps not a good choice, but thats how it is. And FYI....your stats are a bit "urban legend" are not entirely accurate. in 2001, the average divorce rate in each state was 4 marriages per 1000. Not exactly 50%. Also, divorce rates tend to decrease during times of economic distress, like in the present time, because, guess what, divorce is expensive. Not just the lawyers, but the (usually) men that end up being the ones who have to move out and pay child support, alot of people can't afford it and stay married. Statistics show that divorce rathes among different age groups, education levels, and other subdivisions are all very different. That "50%" statistic really isn't accurate. At all. Divorce is dependant on any infinite amount of reasons, and I suspect "i married the wrong person" is really only a part of it.

 

http://www.divorcereform.org/nyt05.html there's one for you.

 

Anyway, there's plenty reading on it online. Nothing is black and white, or simple to interpret. Nothing. Not the reasonf or divorce, the reasons for marriage, none of it.

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if perhaps not realistic to how people act. People dont always think about why they get married....

bingo, right there. They think way too hard or get lost on why they got married. They see way too many negatives than positives. They act on the negatives and dont react on the positives. They think we dont have the passion the other couple has and dont do anything about it. Believe there is no real intimacy. And then think they are missing the most important thing their life. They deserve it, they want it but we wont do anything about it. I meant with their SO. They wont communicate, they wont initiate but have very high expectation from their SO though. They expect things to magically fall in their lap.

 

Couple that with financial crisis that a family goes through, I think you have a disaster in the making.

 

how it is. And FYI....your stats are a bit "urban legend" ....

Alright. I am not going to argue with you on the 50% number. Let's see, if I can explain this is another fashion. I am a professional and have multiple folks who report to me. 70% of them are either divorced and broke off a relationship. That is f* amazing.

 

The point is, the number is still very large. And most of the divorces are a direct result from infidelity. Yes there are several reasons but infidelity is among the top reasons. (ofcourse infidelity does NOT necessarily mean you married the wrong person...)

 

Again, I am not going to argue with you if you disagree with me but you know we are still talking large numbers here.