5 and a half years on - now together

[NoIDidn't]

No, because its just tiring sometimes....i dont expect everone to agree with everyone, but sometimes it seems liek the same conversations are going in circles, over and over again and its just mentally numbing sometimes.

 

Sometimes its helpful, but you know how sometimes you say the same word over and over and over out loud until it sounds totally nonsensical? Thats how i feel sometimes.

 

 

Funny you should say the above.

[KismetGirl]

Funny you should say the above.

 

 

Word. Life, it goes and goes, and where it goes, nobody knows! Sorry. Im delirious. Sh*thead stopped by this morning to say hello. Bahhhhhhhh.

[bentnotbroken]

Word. Life, it goes and goes, and where it goes, nobody knows! Sorry. Im delirious. Sh*thead stopped by this morning to say hello. Bahhhhhhhh.

 

 

And you listened????:confused:Why???

[NoIDidn't]

Word. Life, it goes and goes, and where it goes, nobody knows! Sorry. Im delirious. Sh*thead stopped by this morning to say hello. Bahhhhhhhh.

 

OMG! You shouldn't have even opened the door.

 

See the circles, round and round you are going yourself. Does your building have a revolving door?

 

He shoulda been kicked to the curb long ago.

[KismetGirl]

OMG! You shouldn't have even opened the door.

 

See the circles, round and round you are going yourself. Does your building have a revolving door?

 

He shoulda been kicked to the curb long ago.

 

lol my building, no. My brain lately, it may. Ever read this book? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cn5EIGlzbqY well, its a movie too. but the book came first.

 

I am the girl in the bowler hat. Sabina.

 

My first month working with him, before anything happened, he got me as his Secret Santa. He gave me this book. Ohhhhh how true it turned out to be!

 

We talked this morning. Nothing in particular. Music and various other goings on. We sat on the couch and I stroked his hair cause I couldnt help it. He was sick so I wasn't tempted to kiss him. Good thing for strep throat!

 

It is a serious longing, this sort of thing. A four year integration of emotions that make my heart do a pleasant contentment of bump bump bump just to sit there and smile.

 

Him and I....boy, we are f**ked. Thomas and Sabina...those were the code names we used to use sometimes. It's a good book though, to be fair. by Milan Kundera. You should check it out.

[KismetGirl]

PS- if i have somehow threadjacked this, i surely apologize, but to be fair, im not sure what this thread was about to begin with...itwas minlry cryptic...something about true love finding a way and yadda yadda.

[NoIDidn't]

im not sure what this thread was about to begin with...itwas minlry cryptic...something about true love finding a way and yadda yadda.

 

I can offer what may be a good translation (imagine an infomercial):

 

All this in only FIVE YEARS!! Just visit only in your apartment for a few hours weekly and hardly EVER in public out of respect for his reputation (and yours) and his M, and YOU TOO can have him in about FIVE YEARS!!!

 

True love, available exclusively in illicit affairs, lies and deceit included. CALL NOW!

[nadiaj2727]

I've re-written this post so many times!!!

 

But all I want to say is....

 

If Love between two people is real.... it will make itself be real... everyday of your life.

 

No marriage certificate or vows or family or community pressure can alter the fact that Love will find a way. It will hurt, it will cause the most devastating pain to all involved...but if it's Love... then it will find a way. And Love will make it so that the Love can endure.

 

If it's NOT TRUE LOVE...it will not endure.

 

I agree that marriage certificates and vows and societal values/community pressure don't prevent people from finding other people. But I completely disagree that love is supposed to hurt and cause devastating pain to all involved. That is not love, love doesn't do those things.

[nadiaj2727]

I think that you will find, if you look into the way cheaters conduct themselves in other areas of their lives, that this "grass is always greener" thing is not confined to romance. The cheaters I know have a history of flitting form one interest, job, hobby, or whatever in addition to the instability in their romantic relationships.

So, it does not surprise me that these folks really subscribe to this belief that true love finds a way. Seems , invariably, they are dissapointed yet refuse to learn from their expieriences. Thye get the intial high, boredom sets in and they revert to searching, yet again.

It is understandable in a young person. But, the older folks that are still conducting themselves like this are sad.

 

Reggie! This is a really insightful statement. I don't know if it describes other cheaters but it *certainly* describes me, well, the "me" I was when I was cheating, and my xMM.

 

I didn't even realize it until I started counseling and my therapist told me there are two sides of me. One side craves stability and one adventure. I have to find balance and nurture both sides. Or else I will never be happy with what I have, and instead always wanting whatever I can't have.

 

Then it was like, crystal clear. My whole life, I've been spontaneous, adventurous, ambitious... I like these qualities about myself but I did not temper them and realize that a matuer adult (the "older folks" to whom you refer LOL) cannot go around chasing pipedreams and seeking the next "hit" all the time. I looked back and realized I had always flittered from guy to guy, from one relationship to the next, from one place to the next... I was always thinking "what else is out there?" or "what else can I have?" I was afraid to limit my possibilities and something inside me was always restless.

 

My therapist helped me see that if I choose A, I can't have B. Every choice inheritly limits one from other choices, and one has to be content with their choices and life as they know it or they will always be looking for life as they don't know it. I know this is probably a simple concept for most but it hit me like, "oh yeah... *that* is what I've been feeling... wondering how I could throw away the greatest guy who really loves me, a stable and committed relationship, to chase after some romance I obviously knew wouldn't really work..." Argh. It was mind-boggling and eye-opening and now I am *in love* with my life, myself, my guy, my relationship, just the way it all is. I don't want to change a thing. Sure, I still nurture my adventurous side but I realize I don't need a guy -- a boyfriend, an OM or otherwise -- to do that, it is all within myself and I have to nurture it or no one else will be able to.

 

So.... sorry for my long post but I just wanted to say you were spot on. You also described xMM spot on but I have better things to do than discuss him LOL so I will just say, he was like that too. I had to grow up the hard way and realize that life is not an endless chase, I need to nurture relationships that are important to me and stop being so darn selfish. You are a smart cookie Reggie.

[KismetGirl]

I can offer what may be a good translation (imagine an infomercial):

 

All this in only FIVE YEARS!! Just visit only in your apartment for a few hours weekly and hardly EVER in public out of respect for his reputation (and yours) and his M, and YOU TOO can have him in about FIVE YEARS!!!

 

True love, available exclusively in illicit affairs, lies and deceit included. CALL NOW!

 

ok, well that made me giggle just a little. Even in the throes of a frustrating affair, i still have a sense of humour.

[NoIDidn't]

ok, well that made me giggle just a little. Even in the throes of a frustrating affair, i still have a sense of humour.

 

That was the whole point. If we can't laugh at ourselves and our situations, then we are pretty bad off.

[wildsoul]

My first month working with him, before anything happened, he got me as his Secret Santa. He gave me this book. Ohhhhh how true it turned out to be!

Then that isn't "before" anything happened. That was the first thing that happened.

 

I'm familiar with the book. It's great. But make no mistake about it: he gave you an erotic book at a company function. It would be grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit, but for the fact that he read you correctly. You do see that he was testing you, right? Your affair began that day.

[KismetGirl]

I agree that marriage certificates and vows and societal values/community pressure don't prevent people from finding other people. But I completely disagree that love is supposed to hurt and cause devastating pain to all involved. That is not love, love doesn't do those things.

 

Unfortunately....love can and does do all of those things. No one gets hurt by someone they could give a sh*t about. People get hurt by people that they love the most. Those are the ones with the power to hurt them. It happens all the time. Its very difficult for someone to emotionally hurt you if you both do not have any emotional involvement whatsoever.

[KismetGirl]

Then that isn't "before" anything happened. That was the first thing that happened.

 

I'm familiar with the book. It's great. But make no mistake about it: he gave you an erotic book at a company function. It would be grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit, but for the fact that he read you correctly. You do see that he was testing you, right? Your affair began that day.

 

That's funny that you look at it that way. I guess I never did, I just took it as sort of, well, an ironic coincidence (after the fact) that he happened to get me as a secret santa, and that he gave me that book. I really had barely been working there like...what, five weeks, when the holidays came around. Maybe even less than that. He was the one that hired me for the job, and he was always friendly, but never anything more than professional. Had pictures of his kid all over his office (none of the wife though...shoudla noticed that one) but everyone knew he was married and assumed he and his wife were a normal, young, perfectly happy little family. I occasionally threw some subtle flirting his way, but not in a very serious manner, more in a joking-around-with-a-coworker-i-happen-to-think-is-cute way. I didn't actually think ANYTHING would ever happen cause he wasn't single. Silly, naive me.

 

I don't know if I'd call the book erotica....it's a generally well respected piece of literature and it's one of his favourite authors....he loves books, is always reading something new and collects signed copies and all that jazz, and I never looked at it in that way until after our affair started and I just sort of found the coincidence in the subject manner ironic. I don't honestly think he intended to propose an affair to me somehow via an obscure reference through a book in which the main character happens to have a passionate, long standing affair with another woman. Though who knows, maybe subconsciously he was throwing that idea my way. I don't think he did it on purpose.

 

Granted, he later said he was attracted to me from day one, and would joke around about how he didn't listen to a word I said in the interview and just thought I was gorgeous and blah blah flirty flirty, and I was attracted to him from the moment I met him, and there was some subtle flirting going on but nothing in the least bit obvious, or taken seriously (at least on my end). When I found out he was married a week into the job I dismissed the notion of anything happening with him for what I thought was an obvious reason (eg- him being married. Little did I know.)

 

But hey, who knows. One would hope real life doesn't quite follow the book exactly. The passion Tomas and Sabina have is quite accurately reflected in our selves, but I don't quite have her nonchalance with the whole affair dynamic as she doesn't seem to care much that Tomas stays with his wife Tereza, though perhaps my life wold be easier if I could. I don't think I'll ever be ok with it. At the end of the day I'm pretty sure that either I want to be with him, or have him out of my life. I don't know what the ending of our story is yet, but I hope I figure that part out sooner than later....lol he's given me lots of other books since then, maybe I shoudl start looking for common patterns of behaviour to come in the male protagonists? ;-)

[KismetGirl]

And you listened????:confused:Why???

 

Ah, who knows. Because I'd been up all night with insomnia, had just fallen asleep two hours before he came and woke me up by buzzing my doorbell, because as I went to answer the door thinking it was my sister dropping something off half asleep in a nightgown and he was standing there looking cute as he always does, because I was surprised to see him, because I was feeling delirious, because I constantly miss him when I don't see him and I sadly adore him still....dunno, take your pick.