broke up for 2 weeks and got back together - she slept with another

[donny]

My girlfriend and I were in a reasonable relationship and then brokeup for about 2 weeks.

While we were separated she gets drunk and meets a guy, then meets him twice and then sleeps with him because he was "nice" and "paid for the dates" and there was "no pressure" etc. Firstly I think this is a little soon after a breakup and can't help thinking less of her because of it and less of the way she felt about me.

Well we did get back together and she just told me she went to the movies with some guy and I didn't bother asking more (STUPID).

A month later getting very serious, love u love u etc etc, enjoying moments that seemed very special. I even took her interstate to meet the parents and went away together doing nice things. Luckily when we were talking that night away we mentioned the guy she went to the movies with and after interrogation I find out she slept with him and never told me before getting back together.

Now I feel like this last month has all been a lie, I could never have such happy times with someone a distrustworthy to not tell me something like that before getting back together.

The other problem is I can't get the picture out of my head of some guy with her (she described what he looked like) and keep thinking about the details.

I can forgive her for doing the dirty when we were apart, because we WERE separated even though it is a little trashy. BUT I don't know if I can forgive her holding it back. The hard part is I don't know if I'll ever be able to TRUST her again and I've now become a very jealous person and wasn't like that before and always worried about what she's done.

If I stay with her I'll be worried about what she's doing and if I can trust her all day long and I don't know if I can take it.

I also found out that after our very first date right at the start, she saw (and slept with) the guy she had been dating a few weeks before, ie we overlapped a bit. This pissed me off also.

What to do? Any advice?

[LadyX]

If you don't feel she is trustworthy...end it. Your inability to trust her will eat away at you. It was a little soon to be sleeping with someone after such a short break-up. Did she feel your relationship was completely over? It sounds a little shady to me...but thats just my opinion.

 

Also, these days, you have to think about your health when your seeing someone who is capable of cheating.

[HokeyReligions]

Well, we say it to the women who come here with similar stories -- she is disrespecting you, it doesn't sound like she really loves you. It seems like to her sex is more sex, and less an emotional connection and commitment.

 

I know that today's generation pretty much doesn't think twice about having sex with anyone or everyone, but it has caused you some distress. If you two had really communicated to each other when you were together then she would have known that decieving you like she did would hurt you and she didn't care enough about your feelings to tell you this when you first got back together. Did she use protection? Do you two use protection? Besides personal morality - whatever your definition of morality may be -- you have to think about the health issues. She didn't give you the opportunity to say "wait I need to know that you didn't pick up a disease that you could give to me"

 

Once trust is lost it's very difficult to earn it back. sometimes its better to walk away.

[clia]

BUT I don't know if I can forgive her holding it back.

 

You were separated; I don't think she needed to tell you at all. In fact, I'm surprised she did.

 

The hard part is I don't know if I'll ever be able to TRUST her again and I've now become a very jealous person and wasn't like that before and always worried about what she's done.

 

I don't understand why you are having trust issues for her hooking up with another guy *while you were separated* and then telling you about it. She did eventually tell you (and like I said, I don't even think she had to.)

 

If I stay with her I'll be worried about what she's doing and if I can trust her all day long and I don't know if I can take it.

 

If you can't trust her and it is going to drive you crazy, end things. I still don't think you have any reason to doubt her, since you two were separated. It's not like she cheated on you.

[donny]

Hi thanks for the replies guys,

 

The problem I had was that I had based all my new feelings and deeper feelings of her on that we had been together from the start and it was as if we had never broken up. But then when I found out this was false it was hard to accept that all my feelings were based on believing something that wasn't true.

It would have been better to have started again from scratch when we got back together.

We have since wrote to each other (even though still with each other) to get out our feelings and communicate. My letter I also asked her a lot of questions to find out exactly what she had done and any other things she had done bad.

She replied and told everything and I forgave and accepted she wasn't bad just heartbroken and was of course angry that I hadn't known from the start but have forgiven.

We have always used protection and she did use protection that time too. Although the guy did go down on her I don't know if I should be worried about catching something from that or not? probably as risky as sharing drinking glasses with a friend??

 

Now it is good everything that was on my mind I now have out and she has confessed all openly.

 

Clia I hope to never date someone like you who would keep secrets about themselves from someone who is supposed to be a soulmate.

I accept that it was ok and forgive that she slept with someone when separated because she was heartbroken of course.

But Clia I think that is very bad that you could keep something like that from someone when sex has not been treated lightly with us.

 

The trust issues weren't about her being with a guy, it was about her not telling me. And no she didn't tell me, I Asked her - and this was 6 weeks later and I had introduced her to parents interstate and lots of other serious things. Of course she could not tell a direct lie or she would never be worth 2 cents anyway.

 

Anyway now we have agreed to not breakup and she is sorry. We started fresh on Monday and are having a great open relationship where we now talk, trust and share everything.

 

I had 2 cases of impotence when we were making out the 2 days after because I kept picturing her with her legs open and the other guy there (she had described him). But now we have started fresh we are going strong again and it is better than ever.

 

Writing big letters to each other was the only way and it was great