Questions???

[Cora]

Okay I have been sitting here today doing some thinking, ALOT of thinking actually. I guess that's what happens when you are by yourself with some time on your hands. Yeah I know I probably should of gotten out and did something to try and stay busy but I just felt kind of blah today. All this thinking brought up some questions, not necessarily new questions but questions that have been on my mind for some time now. I just never took the time to really consider them and figured they would eventually go away. Hopefully you guys can help me. Please just bare with me. I'm going to try to get them all out without making this post too awfully long.

 

I don't hear from my SO everyday and it's okay. I have learned not to expect it and have accepted that fact. It's even normal for me to go for 3 or 4 days without hearing anything sometimes. But when it get's longer than that I start to worry. I'm not going to say I'm happy about it because I would be lying but it doesn't make me love him any less. After not hearing from him for 3 days he called me on Tuesday. I missed his call which didn't help much but he did leave me a really sweet voicemail. I have to give it to him, he always leaves the sweetest voicemails. This particular one just said hey babe I was on my way to work and wanted to give you a buzz just to catch up with you for a little while. I have been thinking about you and hope I get to talk to you again soon. Well I guess that's all for now, I love you baby bye. Right after that voicemail he sent me a text saying tried to call you and left a message, love n miss you. I tried calling him back but he was already at work so I sent him a text back saying I was sorry for missing his call and that I missed him as well and loved him very much. We texted back and forth for a little bit until he got busy. He said he would try to call me if and when he got a break. I didn't get a call so I figured he just got too busy.

 

The next day I figured I would try and contact him first since I haven't in awhile. I don't like to be too clingy and bother him too much. I sent him three texts that day with no reply. It kind of hurt me because most of the time he will reply. I felt bad after that. I couldn't believe after the first text went with no reply that I actually followed up with two more!! What am I doing? I feel like I'm turning into that clingy gf and I don't want to. I didn't hear from him at all that day. The day after I call him just to say hello and to tell him how much I miss him. Not all the time, but usually when I call he doesn't answer or it goes straight to his voicemail. I was all prepared to leave one, had planned out what I was going to say and everything. Well to my surprise he picks up. I said wow I wasn't expecting you to answer. He said well I'm at work right now. I felt so bad for calling him while he was at work! I never know his hours because they change daily. I told him how sorry I was for bothering him at work. I asked him if he got my texts and he said yeah I got them last night. It kind of stung again because he never mentioned why he didn't respond and I didn't ask. I didn't want to keep him since he was working. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me as well. I then said well I hope I will get to talk to you again soon and he said don't worry we will. Well the whole conversation was kind of awkward so I immediately said well I know you're busy so I'll let you go. He says I love you, I say it back and we end it.

 

I made up my mind that I had bothered him enough and needed to gain some self control so I'm not contacting him anymore until he contacts me first. Yesterday came and went with no word and now today is almost over with no word. My question is do I have anything to worry about here? Or is this just my insecurities running wild again? I'm a Scorpio, enough said lol. I have always been somewhat of an insecure person but it seems like ever since I entered this LDR they have sky rocketed!! I guess what I'm really asking here is should I be concerned with his behavior or am I just over worrying at this point? Usually after a few days of no contact he will contact me saying he has missed me and has been thinking about me etc.. So at least I know I am on his mind.

 

Also, sometimes but not very often he is able to tell me in advance if he is going to be getting a day off from work. Sometimes even on those days I don't hear from him. Okay I know he has a life outside of work and me but sometimes I feel as if he is too busy just to text a quick hello. Maybe this sounds weird but I like to know what goes on in his day to day life, I mean not every little detail but I just like to keep in touch with what he is doing. I don't know, it just somehow makes me feel closer to him if I know what he is doing or what he did on a particular day. Is there a way to ask him this without coming off as "too in your business"? I don't want to sound like I'm the type that has to know what you are doing every second of every day. That's not what I'm getting at. It would just be nice to know what he does on his days off not only for the fact that he didn't have time to at least say a quick hello but just to find out how he spends his time. I would think it would be normal to have these conversations but since we don't get to talk very often it would be more like so what did you do today? and yesterday? and the day before that? LOL see what I'm getting at here? That just sounds like I'm way too in his business and like I'm checking up on him all the time or something. I just want a casual way to bring this up so that I can feel more connected to him. I can't be there with him so the next best thing is talking about how we spent our day.

 

It is also getting very difficult for me to wait on being able to meet him for the first time. It's been eight months and I just really want to see him. I need a way to bring this conversation up as well without sounding too pushy? Granted now isn't a good time for him or for me with my school, his work, financial situations etc.. But I would at least like to talk about it and possibly make some sort of arrangements for in the future. They don't even have to be set in stone, just something to help us to look forward to. I don't know how to bring this up much less anything else. When we do get to talk it's like 5 to 10 minute conversations. He has to go before the serious stuff gets discussed and I don't feel right bombarding him with all these things right when we start our conversation after not talking to each other for days. What would you guys suggest? I feel like our conversations are so rushed and if I want to ask him something I had better get it out quick because there isn't much time and who knows when we will talk again. I suppose I could send him an email but it would be much too long. I don't even know if he would get it or read it for that matter. I sent him an ecard a couple of weeks ago and asked him if he had gotten it, he said no because he doesn't use that email address anymore and to send it to his other one which he gave me. I did that and it has been three days now and it says the card still hasn't been picked up. So if I send him an email there is no guarantee he get's it. Another thing I plan on talking to him about once we do talk again. Sigh...this is very frustrating.

 

We have somewhat discussed the fact before that we don't get to talk that often and he has told me he knows it is hard and he is trying to stay in touch as much as possible. I know that he loves me or at least I feel like he does from the little things he does to show me he cares. I just wonder is all this normal or do I have a right to be concerned? I tend to blow things out of proportion at times and I'm hoping this is one of those times. Any advice? Any of you guys go through anything similar? How do you handle this? He really is a wonderful guy and I love him so very much. I am just wondering from an outsiders point of view what you guys see? Am I missing something? I'm sorry this post got to be way too long!!

[Island Girl]

Okay I have been sitting here today doing some thinking, ALOT of thinking actually. I guess that's what happens when you are by yourself with some time on your hands. Yeah I know I probably should of gotten out and did something to try and stay busy but I just felt kind of blah today. All this thinking brought up some questions, not necessarily new questions but questions that have been on my mind for some time now. I just never took the time to really consider them and figured they would eventually go away.

 

It has been my experience that the only time questions really go away is when they get answered. Why aren't you asking your questions?

 

Hopefully you guys can help me. Please just bare with me. I'm going to try to get them all out without making this post too awfully long.

 

Well I will certainly try.

 

I don't hear from my SO everyday and it's okay. I have learned not to expect it and have accepted that fact. It's even normal for me to go for 3 or 4 days without hearing anything sometimes.

 

Why is it that you go so long without contact?

 

I will tell you that right now my husband and I talk only once every week or two right now. So I understand that circumstances sometimes dictate the amount of contact.

However it has been my experience that my husband and suffer with extremely unusual circumstances.

 

And although we can't talk as often right now, it upsets both of us, we have been together for so long and through so much that we are on the same page.

 

There aren't any questions.

 

But in your case, if it were me, I'd be questioning too and perhaps more.

 

But when it get's longer than that I start to worry.

 

Of course. Again I don't understand how days and days go by and you don't hear from him at all.

 

After not hearing from him for 3 days he called me on Tuesday. I missed his call which didn't help much but he did leave me a really sweet voicemail. I have to give it to him, he always leaves the sweetest voicemails. This particular one just said hey babe I was on my way to work and wanted to give you a buzz just to catch up with you for a little while. I have been thinking about you and hope I get to talk to you again soon. Well I guess that's all for now, I love you baby bye. Right after that voicemail he sent me a text saying tried to call you and left a message, love n miss you.

 

Yes, sweet - but expected right? He should leave nice voicemails for you and send you sweet texts. I just do not understand why that doesn't happen more often. -?

 

I tried calling him back but he was already at work so I sent him a text back saying I was sorry for missing his call and that I missed him as well and loved him very much. We texted back and forth for a little bit until he got busy. He said he would try to call me if and when he got a break. I didn't get a call so I figured he just got too busy.

 

So there is time, even while at work, when he can text and have a conversation. And there are times when he gets off of work - and his time is his own, correct?

 

The next day I figured I would try and contact him first since I haven't in awhile. I don't like to be too clingy and bother him too much. I sent him three texts that day with no reply.

 

OUCH! WHY?!! Although my husband and I do not talk a lot right now - I still no that no matter what time of day - If I pick up the phone and call him he answers. No matter what.

It is the same on this side of the ocean.

 

It kind of hurt me because most of the time he will reply. I felt bad after that.

 

Hurt? Yes I'd be hurt and very angry. Unless he was in an accident. So I would be hurt, angry, and worried.

 

Boy there would be hell to pay if he had me worrying for no reason. I have enough to worry about!

 

I couldn't believe after the first text went with no reply that I actually followed up with two more!! What am I doing? I feel like I'm turning into that clingy gf and I don't want to.

 

In your opinion, a clingy girlfriend is what?

 

Because it seems that you think that demnding any attention is clingy...?

 

Do not get me wrong, I completely understand not chasing and chasing. I hate that and will not do it either.

So if that is what you mean by clingy I understand what you are talking about.

 

But you just wait days and days for him to call you? There is no communication and you don't call him regularly either? That is so not good honey.

 

I didn't hear from him at all that day.

 

EEEEEEEK. That had to have had you worried and sleepless right?

 

The day after I call him just to say hello and to tell him how much I miss him.

 

Let me get this straight.

 

He doesn't call you for days.

 

Then he calls - leaves you a message and sends a text. You text back and forth for a bit then he has to go.

He tells you he'll try to call you later.

 

But doesn't.

 

So the next day you send texts - and he doesn't answer them. All day there is no reply or contact from him.

 

The following day you call him to tell him you love and miss him. ?!!!

 

What the...?!!

 

Not all the time, but usually when I call he doesn't answer or it goes straight to his voicemail.

 

Okay. Honey -- that should read the other way around!

"Not all the time, but usually when I call he answers."

 

I am sorry to put this out there but he is so shadey! Have you ever been to his house?

Have you been introduced to his friends and family?

 

He doesn't answer your calls and sometimes it goes straight to voicemail (that means he is dumping your call or he is turning his phone off). WHY?!

 

I was all prepared to leave one, had planned out what I was going to say and everything. Well to my surprise he picks up. I said wow I wasn't expecting you to answer. He said well I'm at work right now.

 

So he answers when he is at work. But he doesn't answer when he is not? That makes absolutely no sense.

 

Something is up. All of this is BAD. REALLY BAD.

 

I felt so bad for calling him while he was at work! I never know his hours because they change daily.

 

WHY?!! He answered didn't he? He didn't have to! (He doesn't usually anyway!)

And if you do not know his hours because they change everyday -- how were you supposed to know?!

It's not like he called you when he was on his way to work and told you. Or sent you a text to let you know.

 

PUHLEASE!! DO NOT beat yourself up over that!

 

I told him how sorry I was for bothering him at work.

 

You didn't need to appologize. He is the one who hasn't responded at all to you.

 

He should be the one appologizing and kissing YOUR behind!

 

I asked him if he got my texts and he said yeah I got them last night. It kind of stung again because he never mentioned why he didn't respond and I didn't ask.

 

That should have been your first question. He is not laying in a hospital bed afterall!

 

I can't believe you didn't ask why there was no reply. You are giving him so much undeserved wiggle room. GAWD!

 

I didn't want to keep him since he was working. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me as well. I then said well I hope I will get to talk to you again soon and he said don't worry we will. Well the whole conversation was kind of awkward so I immediately said well I know you're busy so I'll let you go. He says I love you, I say it back and we end it.

 

What kind of a relationship is this?!! I am going to have to go research your threads Cora.

 

It seems to me that he is really taking you for a ride.

And you are making it incredibly easy for him to do so.

I am sorry to have to tell you that - but it is true.

 

I made up my mind that I had bothered him enough and needed to gain some self control so I'm not contacting him anymore until he contacts me first. Yesterday came and went with no word and now today is almost over with no word.

 

This is not a relationship Cora.

He is not putting any effort at all. And you aren't demanding any. You are excusing all of his poor behavior and putting aside your needs to kiss this guy's behind.

 

He certainly isn't treating you well. He isn't treating you as a girlfriend.

 

My question is do I have anything to worry about here? Or is this just my insecurities running wild again?

 

YES! You have something to worry about! Yourself!

 

He is not caring for you in they way you deserve and need to be cared for. Why do you settle for peanuts from this guy?

 

What makes him so wonderful? Because I certainly can't see it. And I can not understand why you do not require more from any guy that you would call your boyfriend.

 

I have always been somewhat of an insecure person but it seems like ever since I entered this LDR they have sky rocketed!! I guess what I'm really asking here is should I be concerned with his behavior or am I just over worrying at this point? Usually after a few days of no contact he will contact me saying he has missed me and has been thinking about me etc.. So at least I know I am on his mind.

 

You are setting aside your life every day by putting your eggs in this particular basket. He isn't making it worthwhile for you to do so.

 

Also, sometimes but not very often he is able to tell me in advance if he is going to be getting a day off from work. Sometimes even on those days I don't hear from him. Okay I know he has a life outside of work and me but sometimes I feel as if he is too busy just to text a quick hello.

 

Even on his days off you don't hear from him?!! WTF?!!

 

Why are you with this guy? And why do you allow him to treat you like some kind of toy which he can put away and take out when it is convenient for him? Why don't you stand up for yourself and demand better?

 

Yes - he has a life outside of work and aren't you supposed to be a major part of that?

 

Too busy to text?!! That is ridiculous and you should be expecting phone calls not text messages.

And they should come in daily not with days in between!

 

Maybe this sounds weird but I like to know what goes on in his day to day life, I mean not every little detail but I just like to keep in touch with what he is doing.

 

I think you deserve to know far more in his day to day life. Like who he lives with and what he spends his spare time doing!

 

I don't know, it just somehow makes me feel closer to him if I know what he is doing or what he did on a particular day. Is there a way to ask him this without coming off as "too in your business"? I don't want to sound like I'm the type that has to know what you are doing every second of every day.

 

It is NOT out of the ordinary for a SO to know what goes on in your day to day life! Why do you think his life is none of your business?

 

Is he your boyfriend or not?

 

It would just be nice to know what he does on his days off not only for the fact that he didn't have time to at least say a quick hello but just to find out how he spends his time.

 

On his days off you should be a priority. You should know what is happening in his life in general but if he has time away from work he should be allotting some of that to your realtionship and talking to you.

 

Don't you find it odd that he isn't caring what YOU are up to every day? And what you do on your days off?

 

What DO you talk about? Just I love you and I miss you, etc.? What do you KNOW about him? What do you know about his life, hobbies, etc.?

 

I would think it would be normal to have these conversations

 

Yes, it is normal to have these conversations! Regularly!

 

but since we don't get to talk very often it would be more like so what did you do today? and yesterday? and the day before that?

 

Again, I am brought back to WHY you do not talk daily. You do not even talk every other day. Why the hell not? What excuses does he give you time after time?

 

That just sounds like I'm way too in his business and like I'm checking up on him all the time or something.

 

He should want to volunteer information. And there is nothing wrong with saying, "so what have you been up to?" - and expecting an answer that is more detailed than just "stuff".

 

I just want a casual way to bring this up so that I can feel more connected to him. I can't be there with him so the next best thing is talking about how we spent our day.

 

You should be able to tell him this. It seems you are behaving as if this is a middle school "relationship".

I do not mean to say that and hurt you.

But it is true.

 

Why are you tip toeing around and worrying so much about him and what he thinks about you being toopushy or too clingy, etc.?

Are't you more concerned with the fact that you have NO IDEA what he does or who he does it with for days and days on end?

 

It is also getting very difficult for me to wait on being able to meet him for the first time. It's been eight months and I just really want to see him.

 

Meeting him or seeing him should move down on the list of priorities right now.

 

You need to make sure this is all worth your time and effort first. Because so far it isn't.

 

Can you tell me why you love him? Because it seems like you don't have much going as far as conversation and you don't really know him. So how is it that you love him?

 

I'm not bashing - I just really want to know if you can answer that question.

 

I need a way to bring this conversation up as well without sounding too pushy? Granted now isn't a good time for him or for me with my school, his work, financial situations etc.. But I would at least like to talk about it and possibly make some sort of arrangements for in the future. They don't even have to be set in stone, just something to help us to look forward to.

 

If he is part of the "us" that wants a relationship and wants a future then he would be talking about this as well.

 

After talking or being together for 6 months I would think you would be able to communicate a lot better than you are. There shouldn't be so much trepidation on your part.

That is concerning as well.

 

When we do get to talk it's like 5 to 10 minute conversations. He has to go before the serious stuff gets discussed and I don't feel right bombarding him with all these things right when we start our conversation after not talking to each other for days.

 

You do not talk to each other for days and then, when you do, it is for 5 or 10 minutes?!! WTF?!!

 

WHY????????????

 

And again- what are you in love with? Because it doesn't seem that you know him very well at all?!!

 

What would you guys suggest? I feel like our conversations are so rushed and if I want to ask him something I had better get it out quick because there isn't much time and who knows when we will talk again. I suppose I could send him an email but it would be much too long. I don't even know if he would get it or read it for that matter. I sent him an ecard a couple of weeks ago and asked him if he had gotten it, he said no because he doesn't use that email address anymore and to send it to his other one which he gave me. I did that and it has been three days now and it says the card still hasn't been picked up. So if I send him an email there is no guarantee he get's it. Another thing I plan on talking to him about once we do talk again. Sigh...this is very frustrating.

 

Cora - this guy is married or has a serious girlfriend.

 

He switches e-mails and then doesn't tell you, he doesn't call you for days on end, he only talks for minutes when he does call you, he rarely answers the phone when you call him, -- he is hiding a lot from you.

 

I am sorry to have to tell you that.

 

But he is keeping you on the back burner - I don't know why. But he isn't investing any time or energy into the growth of your relationship or being a boyfriend to you.

 

We have somewhat discussed the fact before that we don't get to talk that often and he has told me he knows it is hard and he is trying to stay in touch as much as possible.

 

That is complte crap. He has days off work and doesn't even call you or get in touch with you.

He isn't trying. And you are accepting how he is behaving so it will just continue with you sitting there waiting and waiting and him off doing whatever and doing whoever. Yuck. This whole thing sucks!

 

I know that he loves me or at least I feel like he does from the little things he does to show me he cares.

 

He does VERY little to show you that he does care about you.

 

Please stop and take a big step back from the picture.

 

I just wonder is all this normal or do I have a right to be concerned?

 

Yes. You do. Emphatically YES.

 

I tend to blow things out of proportion at times and I'm hoping this is one of those times.

 

No you aren't. In fact you haven't made enough out of it!

 

Any advice?

 

Tell him you need a lot more from him and that the relationship is over as it stands now.

 

Any of you guys go through anything similar?

 

No and to be honest I never have or will. I would not accept such little effort. I am worth way more than that and I deserve to be treated better. You do too but apparently you need some self esteem assistance.

 

How do you handle this?

 

He'd be replaced.

 

He really is a wonderful guy and I love him so very much.

 

What are his wonderful qualities? Because it seems to me that you do not really know that much about him or his life at all. He has got you snowed.

 

I am just wondering from an outsiders point of view what you guys see? Am I missing something? I'm sorry this post got to be way too long!!

 

Yes you are missing the fact that a boyfriend is someone who cares enough about you to wonder about how you are feeling, your day and how it went, who wants to hsare his life with you, who puts your needs as a priority, and who CALLS YOU REGULARLY, ANSWERS THE PHONE WHEN YOU CALL, AND SPENDS TIME ON YOU.

 

He does NONE of these things.

[Sweet326]

Hi Cora! I can so relate to your post. I'm very new at this (been in LDR only 3 months) so I don't know how much help I would be.

 

I went through a similar situation the last couple of days and when we did talk he just didn't sound like himself. It drove me crazy and it was killing me to wonder, but I didn't want to come off sounding insecure. I had asked him during a couple of calls if everything was okay, that he sounded down and he assured me that everything was fine. When I got off the phone with him I just felt horrible and, as much as I wanted to, just couldn't let it go. I just sent him a text and came out and said, "I'm not convinced. You just don't sound like the person I am used to talking to. Do you still want to do this?" He called me immediately! He profusely apologized and admitted that he just missed me really bad. As he put it, he just aches for me. Come to find out he has the same worries and insecurities and we both agreed that it was so hard to read someone through texts and short phone calls.

 

So, I say just be honest and let him know what's on your mind. It made me feel so much better. If you let him know you really miss him and it is hard to not be able to see him, but it would be so much easier for you if you could have more communication. It's like other posts I've read where they just say to lay everything out on the table and set some ground rules. It doesn't hurt to let him know what you need without coming across as needy. You could also mention that you'd really love to see him in person soon. Just let him know on his next day off maybe that it's important that you talk.

 

Hope this helped a little. I guess in this type of relationship you just really need to put yourself out there and express what you need.

[Sweet326]

Island Girl, we most have been posting at the same time because your message wasn't there when I replied.

 

You really see things that I didn't even think of! You are good!

 

Cora, just lay it all out on the table with him, tell him what you need or he can hit the road.

[Island Girl]

Thank you for the compliment Sweet326

 

And Cora -

I read through my post and couldn't edit it because of the post after mine.

 

But I'd like to say I apologize for the type-o where I stated you have been seeing each other for 6 months. I am aware you have been "together" for 8 months.

 

I don't want you to think I am just rushing to judgment of him without really paying attention to what you have written.

 

My heart goes out to you because I know you are feeling deep emotions. But you are misplacing them in this relationship.

 

I urge you to really examine what you get in return for your waiting and worrying.

[You'reasian]

Yes you are missing the fact that a boyfriend is someone who cares enough about you to wonder about how you are feeling, your day and how it went, who wants to hsare his life with you, who puts your needs as a priority, and who CALLS YOU REGULARLY, ANSWERS THE PHONE WHEN YOU CALL, AND SPENDS TIME ON YOU.

 

He does NONE of these things.

 

I agree with this.

 

What you've described above is what you would call caring about your partner - and a woman who wants a committed relationship would expect and return the favor.

 

But Island girl, what if this girl is the first person to say I love you too quickly and this guy, while enjoying their connection and friendship is just trying to take it slow?

[norajane]

It is also getting very difficult for me to wait on being able to meet him for the first time. It's been eight months

 

You've never met in 8 months? And you don't talk for more than 5 or 10 minutes?

 

Hon, you don't have an SO. Despite all this "love" you two are professing for each other in your barely-there conversations, you two don't have a relationship.

 

Get out of the house and meet someone you can see, touch, talk with, do fun stuff with, hug and kiss. Life is too short to waste on a pseudo-relationship with someone you've never met and who doesn't take your calls and doesn't read your emails and doesn't reply to your texts.

[Cora]

Thanks guys for responding!! Island Girl: Everything you say always makes alot of sense! Maybe I should clarify that it hasn't always been like this. We used to talk all the time, everyday!! Sometime we would talk for hours on end. The longest we have talked was for nine hours straight!! It was so amazing!!! We used to talk every night on the phone for at least an hour or two, sometimes longer. We would always say how we felt like we knew each other better than anybody else did. We have been through alot. We have helped each other through some tough times....me when I lost my job and him when he almost lost his grandmother. I spent hours on the phone with him that night while he cried his eyes out. We would talk alot about what each of us did that day and what our plans were for the weekend etc... It has just been the past month or two where we don't get to talk as much. He has got a new job now which makes this two jobs he is working now so I know he is busy. I guess it's tough when I got used to how things were in the beginning, talking everyday etc.. to talking maybe twice a week.

 

We have also talked about meeting before....he was the one who actually brought it up but the timing just hasn't been right. Currently I am unemployed and going to school so I don't really have the money to make a trip out to see him at the moment but I'm trying to find another job which hasn't been too easy the way the economy is right now. He is working two jobs now which makes it harder for him to plan a trip. But we talk about it all the time. I will admit I used to contact him alot more than I do now and I would appologize to him, saying things like I'm sorry I'm such a nag sometimes. He of course would always say babe you could never be a nag, I love talking to you. I figured he was just saying that as to not hurt my feelings. We don't get to talk as much now and he has appologized for that but it still hurts you know? Whenever I don't hear from him and I don't contact him for days he will always come back and say well I have been thinking about you alot, or I really miss you etc.. So yeah I probably need to work on my issues of thinking I'm too clingy or what not.

 

Maybe I am still being naive here. I do plan on talking to him about this and telling him how it hurts me not hearing from him for days on end and how it hurts for him not to respond to my texts. About the email thing. Throughout our whole relationship, neither of us have been a big email writer. I think each of us may have sent two emails in the eight months we have been together and that was back when we first met each other. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him now and really that's not what I'm trying to do. I just wanted to make sure I made it clear that it hasn't always been like this. We have had alot of good times together and still do on the days we actually get to talk. One thing that I love the most about him is that he always could make me laugh. I just hate it that we don't get to spend as much time talking like we used to. All I know is that I will talk to him about it and see what happens. If he can't change then maybe this LDR isn't worth it. It hurts so much to say that because I truly do love him with all my heart!! But then again there is only so much I can take. I'm not ready to give up on him yet and I really want to give this a chance to see if it can work because I want this so badly!!

 

Thank you for those who responded! I will def take what you all said into consideration. It helps so much to get an outsiders point of view. They always see things that the person involved may miss because they are too blinded by love or whatever. Oh and Island Girl....what you said about him being married or having a serious girlfriend, wow I really hope that's not the case. I really feel in my heart that it isn't or that he wouldn't do that to me but I guess you really never know. Anything is possible and when you live so far apart your mind starts to imagine all sorts of things. Sigh...I am just so confused now. I really hope everything works out for the best and we will make it through this somehow. Thanks again everyone.

[Island Girl]

Thanks guys for responding!! Island Girl: Everything you say always makes alot of sense! Maybe I should clarify that it hasn't always been like this. We used to talk all the time, everyday!!

 

Alright. Then I don't understand how it is that you seem to have so much apprehension when it comes to telling him how you really feel.

 

I do not understand that lack of honesty on your part and I do not understand the callousness on his.

 

If you used to talk all the time and share each other's days then it is not unbelievable that you would miss that and he should be missing it too.

 

Sometime we would talk for hours on end. The longest we have talked was for nine hours straight!! It was so amazing!!! We used to talk every night on the phone for at least an hour or two, sometimes longer. We would always say how we felt like we knew each other better than anybody else did. We have been through alot. We have helped each other through some tough times....me when I lost my job and him when he almost lost his grandmother. I spent hours on the phone with him that night while he cried his eyes out. We would talk alot about what each of us did that day and what our plans were for the weekend etc...

 

So things were normal at one point. How did it get so far off track?

 

You were each other's support system and now he is absent from your life - and of course you miss him.

But you are absent from his and he is making little or no effort to remedy that.

 

You even mention that on his days off he does not contact you. It seems he is not making you a priority and that is hurtful to you and the relationship. You deserve to be a priority. You know that right?

 

And do you call him out on that fact? Because it seems as though you are entirely too accepting.

You can't allow yourself to be walked on.

 

You will treated as you allow him to treat you. If you lay down the law and he does not rise to the occasion then you must reconsider the relationship.

 

I know you have been through a lot together. And you may hold on more dearly because of the past when the present is giving you little reason to.

It is time for him to start making a concerted effort regularly.

 

It has just been the past month or two where we don't get to talk as much. He has got a new job now which makes this two jobs he is working now so I know he is busy. I guess it's tough when I got used to how things were in the beginning, talking everyday etc.. to talking maybe twice a week.

 

He has two jobs - and his hours change daily? What exactly does this man do for a living?

 

In any event it is still no excuse. It takes moments to make a call and tell you when he is working that day. It takes moments to send a text - since he seems keen on using that technology - but he does neither.

 

I know things can get difficult in a LDR. Believe me I know more than just about anyone here.

 

But he doesn't answer your calls -- that is complete crap. What is his excuse for that?

 

He ignores your texts. He has got to know that would hurt your feelings. Yet he does it anyway. To me, that'd be reason enough to fire him.

 

Nobody on the planet is special enough that they can disregard me, ignore me and my feelings, and put little or no effort into a relationship and I stay.

 

I am in a relationship because of what it does for me and my happiness. If it does nothing but bring me worry, sleepless nights, little or no gratification in any way, then why would I waste my time.

 

That is what I wish you would be thinking. Instead, when he is treating you this way you kiss his behind and call him just to tell him you love him - when you have heard nothing from him in days.

Please, please, please don't do that.

 

We have also talked about meeting before....he was the one who actually brought it up but the timing just hasn't been right. Currently I am unemployed and going to school so I don't really have the money to make a trip out to see him at the moment but I'm trying to find another job which hasn't been too easy the way the economy is right now. He is working two jobs now which makes it harder for him to plan a trip. But we talk about it all the time.

 

Two jobs - it can be hard to plan a trip.

 

And being unemployed you really do not need to be spending that money.

 

I understand that. But I must correct you here - you used to talk about it all the time, right?

Now you have 5-10 minute conversations and they are days apart.

 

Things really need to change.

 

I will admit I used to contact him alot more than I do now and I would appologize to him, saying things like I'm sorry I'm such a nag sometimes. He of course would always say babe you could never be a nag, I love talking to you. I figured he was just saying that as to not hurt my feelings. We don't get to talk as much now and he has appologized for that but it still hurts you know?

 

Yeah it hurts.

 

And he has apologized but he still does it.

The first time I'd accept an apology but make it be known that it shouldn't happen again.

The second time I would tell him when he apologized that I would like to believe he is sorry but if he really is it will absolutely not happen again. There should be some form of communication. He can send you texts no matter the time of day and tell you when he is working - when he'll be off - when he'll be calling, etc. He can also call at any time.

 

Do not accept his excuses. If he wanted to he'd find a way. And that is what I would be saying to him.

 

You want to keep me then show me. Actions speak louder than words and your actions are screaming that I need to move on.

 

Whenever I don't hear from him and I don't contact him for days he will always come back and say well I have been thinking about you alot, or I really miss you etc.. So yeah I probably need to work on my issues of thinking I'm too clingy or what not.

 

When he says he has been thinking about you do you let him know that you didn't pass Psychic 101 so how would you know that?

Do you tell him when he says he misses you that you were just a phone call away and your phone didn't ring so he must not miss you that much?

 

Do you tell him that he says those things over and over but talk is cheap. That there are a lot of ways to resolve this and keep you happy - not ever worried. Do you tell him "you're a smart guy, if you wanted to you'd figure it out".

 

Maybe I am still being naive here. I do plan on talking to him about this and telling him how it hurts me not hearing from him for days on end and how it hurts for him not to respond to my texts.

 

Yeah you need to talk to him and not in a pleading, weak, it's-up-to-you kind of way either.

It is a step it up or it's over conversation.

 

We have had alot of good times together and still do on the days we actually get to talk. One thing that I love the most about him is that he always could make me laugh.

 

And how much are you laughing lately? Not a lot.

5-10 minute conversations and they are days apart? Sweetie that is not a relationship anymore.

 

You are not anywhere near the point where you have the security and history that you can go on like this.

If it isn't remedied the relationship will be over soon anyway.

Don't you feel like it is slipping away and changing?

Don't you get angry at him for ripping it to shreds? I'd be a hellcat.

 

I just hate it that we don't get to spend as much time talking like we used to. All I know is that I will talk to him about it and see what happens.

 

Good. I hope you can spell out what is wrong to him. You have every right to expect more.

He doesn't even call on his days off. There is no excuse for that.

 

If he can't change then maybe this LDR isn't worth it. It hurts so much to say that because I truly do love him with all my heart!! But then again there is only so much I can take. I'm not ready to give up on him yet and I really want to give this a chance to see if it can work because I want this so badly!!

 

That is what you tell him. That you want this to work but you need to see effort on his part.

Going days without hearing a word is a big difference from the way things were. You feel he is taking you for granted, disregarding your feelings, and not making a reasonable effort.

 

Tell him you have to work out a way that you can get what you need while taking into consideration that he is busy. -- BTW that is just for effect. You are only acknowledging he is busy so he'll think you are considering his feelings. Really it is about him stepping it up and do not back slide.

He needs to make a reasonable effort. that should be answering texts if he gets them (especially considering how few you send) and scheduling time to talk around his work schedule.

 

Oh and Island Girl....what you said about him being married or having a serious girlfriend, wow I really hope that's not the case. I really feel in my heart that it isn't or that he wouldn't do that to me but I guess you really never know. Anything is possible and when you live so far apart your mind starts to imagine all sorts of things.

 

I can't say he doesn't have a girlfriend. I don't think he did in the beginning.

Or if he was in a relationship they were having serious issues at that point and had a lot more free time because of it. It is possible. The fact that he never answers the phone doesn't speak well of him. That and the fat that on his days off he doesn't make time for you either are BIG red flags.

 

But I do not know for sure and considering how you guys started out I am trying to stay positive for you.

 

Again, it is up to him to make sure he does not give you reason to ever think that or worry about him. Because of the distance it is very easy to have insecurities. It is up to the people in the LDR to take care of each other and not make it harder than it already is.

 

My husband and I had rules when we went into an LDR and one of those was that he always answers the phone when I call.

Of course there have been times in the last 7 years where he hasn't. - But I get an immediate call back except when he was attacked by a guy with a machete and his hands were almost cut off. <serious> That day it took some trying to finally talk to him and even then he kept passing out while I was trying to talk to him because of blood loss. So I wasn't flipping out - well I was - but not on him.

 

The other hard fast rule is that there are no stupid questions and everything gets answered. No answering a question with a question. As in "why are you asking me that?", etc.

 

Open honest answers and I am the priority just the same on this side of the ocean as well.

 

Sigh...I am just so confused now. I really hope everything works out for the best and we will make it through this somehow. Thanks again everyone.

 

You will make it through. Whatever happens you just need to make sure you take care of yourself, stand up for yourself, and demand what you deserve.

[Island Girl]

Any update Cora?

 

Have you been able to talk with him yet?

Has he contacted you?

 

I have been thinking about you today. I'm sending you positive thoughts out into the universe. I hope they find you well and comforted.

[Cora]

Island Girl: No update yet. I told myself I wasn't going to contact him but I couldn't take it anymore. I hate that I did that because I wanted to see if he was actually going to ever get in touch with me again. I sent him a text like 5 minutes ago just saying well I guess it's over? I'll leave you alone now. I'm not expecting much back, I'm actually not expecting anything at all. Tomorrow will be day five that I have heard nothing! The last time we spoke was Thursday on the phone when I called him at work. The last words he said to me were we will talk again soon, I love you. Well I'm sitting here thinking does he love me? I have been a complete mess all day. I just have a bad feeling. How did this happen? We used to have such a wonderful relationship. I at least want a chance to talk with him to see what the hell is going on and to tell him how much this is hurting me.

 

I have been contemplating to just cut off all contact altogether. Just to block and delete him from Instant Messenger, my cell, email, my Myspace page etc.. This hurts me so much. I just want things to be the way they were between us but I can't make that happen if he won't talk to me. I want to hear him out and yeah he better have a damn good excuse because I don't think he realizes how much this is hurting me. I want a chance to talk to him before I end things if it comes to that. God I hope it doesn't have to come to that but I'm starting to wonder. I love this man so much but if he doesn't love me in return or have the decency to let me know that he has found someone else then there isn't much I can do to make things right. Besides he is the one who needs to fix this. And we just had the talk a few weeks ago about how if he were to ever fall out of love with me, can't take the distance, or found someone else etc.. that he would have enough respect for me to communicate this to me and not just drop contact and leave me hanging. He promised me this over and over that he would never ever do this to me. He first promised me that it would never happen because he loves me so much and if for some reason it did he would def tell me. We have had the big talk about lying, secrets etc.. We agreed to always be open and honest with each other. I don't know what the hell happened now?

 

I just don't get it because the last time we talked, even though it was short he sounded fine. He was so sincere and loving. How does it go from having a great conversation to no contact? I honestly don't know what to do now. I feel like such a fool!! I have been applying for all these jobs in and around his area and now I don't even know if it's worth it? I can't even concentrate on my studying. I miss him so much. I'm so hurt, angry, confused, worried etc.. If he doesn't want this then why can't he just tell me he wants out? Yeah, it will hurt but I'm a big girl! I just hope and pray we can work this out. I love him so much!!!!

 

Thank you Island Girl for your thoughts and encouragement! They mean alot. And thanks again to everyone who responded. I will def keep you updated when and if I hear anything. I just feel miserable!! Been crying all day

[Cora]

Also the thing that gets me is he used to always get upset if I didn't respond to his texts or calls but here he is doing it to me. How is that okay? Besides I never went for days on end without contacting him. I have more respect for him than that. Guess he doesn't share that same respect for me. Sigh....

[Els]

Oh, Cora. First of all, let me say that I know how you feel, at least partly. I have an ex who used to do that. That, along with a few other things such as his callous attitude, ended it for me.

 

However, I don't agree that it is necessarily true that his behaviour is due to him having some other woman. It may be possible, but not necessary. Many guys give a relationship the 'back seat' entirely when it's long distance because they figure they can't really do anything about it at the moment so just put it on hold til the time that they can... that doesn't mean that it definitely isn't exclusive.

 

That said, I don't agree with his behaviour at all, and I really salute you for being so patient and putting up with it for so long without saying a word. No matter how busy a guy is, unless he has no computer or is in an area with no phone service whatsoever, I WILL expect that I'll be updated at least once a day on things... just a few-minute phonecall or a few texts will do if he has no time for more. He can bloody do it while sitting on the pot for all I care... and I believe that if he does care for me, he will. Of course, there are times when exceptions can happen... but that should be an EXCEPTION.

 

I really wish the text that you'd sent him was something less attacking and more solution-driven, as in, 'I really need to talk, it's very important, please call me back as SOON as possible'... that would at least give him a chance instead of going from 'it's all fine, I just miss you' to 'it's over I guess?' but I've done the same thing as you before, because I too couldn't help it. And I guess the fact that even this did not garner a response from him (assuming that the texts didn't disappear) shows a lot about how little he does care.

 

I'm so sorry you've to go through this, Cora. I just hope that it doesn't scare you off ever going through an LDR again, as some people may be wont to advise you. Of course, being able to see the person everyday will be better, but if there's just no emotional connection with anyone near you and you find one with someone miles apart, and if that connection is strong enough, you never know what you'd be missing by not trying. Not all guys are like this... as I've found out.

[Island Girl]

Island Girl: No update yet. I told myself I wasn't going to contact him but I couldn't take it anymore. I hate that I did that because I wanted to see if he was actually going to ever get in touch with me again. I sent him a text like 5 minutes ago just saying well I guess it's over? I'll leave you alone now.

 

I'm sorry there hasn't been an update as far as contact from him goes anyway.

 

I'm sorry to say this but I have to tell you I wish you would have posted here before sending off that text.

 

You told him you wouldn't contact him again - and you will need closure if indeed it is over.

 

I hope he responds and gives you a chance to put your feelings out there but you must be prepared to do so succinctly and not leave any question unanswered.

 

You see - the fears you are having and the feelings of doubt, etc. can be momentarily pacified by hearing from him and him saying things you are longing to hear right now.

 

But the issues of leaving you hanging and left without contact have got to be resolved. There has to be a clear plan of action that both of you agree to and understand. Otherwise this can happen again...and again...

 

I'm not expecting much back, I'm actually not expecting anything at all. Tomorrow will be day five that I have heard nothing! The last time we spoke was Thursday on the phone when I called him at work. The last words he said to me were we will talk again soon, I love you.

 

If those were his last words to you then I would expect you WILL get a response. If anything just to find out what happened on your side.

 

I hope he will - even if it is indeed over. Just so you can get what you need to off of your chest.

 

Well I'm sitting here thinking does he love me? I have been a complete mess all day. I just have a bad feeling. How did this happen? We used to have such a wonderful relationship. I at least want a chance to talk with him to see what the hell is going on and to tell him how much this is hurting me.

 

Exactly. And I think you will get your chance. But do not become stir crazy and text him again or call him. It is going to be driving you crazy. Just write it all out on paper or vent here but do not go off the deep end.

 

You have done nothing wrong - up to this point - do not give him a reason to think you have gone psycho.

I know why you are feeling this way and he SHOULD know but if he doesn't and starts getting all kinds of crazy messages it could cause him to think you are crazy when you ARE NOT.

 

I have been contemplating to just cut off all contact altogether. Just to block and delete him from Instant Messenger, my cell, email, my Myspace page etc.. This hurts me so much.

 

Just take a deep breath. I think he IS going to contact you and if you delete him you are just going to be looking for him again -- until you resolve this thing somehow. Just wait.

 

I know it hurts. I am so sorry. But it may get resolved too. Right now you just don't know.

 

I just want things to be the way they were between us but I can't make that happen if he won't talk to me.

 

THAT is what he needs to hear. That you want the relationship but you are not willing to make all of the effort and wait around while he does nothing or next to nothing.

That you need to be a priority in his life somehow.

Not the only priority, you understand there is work, etc. but ONE of the priorities in his life.

 

I want to hear him out and yeah he better have a damn good excuse because I don't think he realizes how much this is hurting me. I want a chance to talk to him before I end things if it comes to that.

 

You just need to get on the same page. He may not know how this is affecting you. Sometimes we have to spell it out for them. Not just LD guys but guys in general. *sigh*

 

God I hope it doesn't have to come to that but I'm starting to wonder. I love this man so much but if he doesn't love me in return or have the decency to let me know that he has found someone else then there isn't much I can do to make things right.

 

If he has found someone else then you shouldn't be trying to make things right. Then it does need to be over. Since the two of you are number one supposed to have a commitment and be exclusive and because instead of respecting you and number two the relationship enough to talk to you about it.

 

Besides he is the one who needs to fix this. And we just had the talk a few weeks ago about how if he were to ever fall out of love with me, can't take the distance, or found someone else etc.. that he would have enough respect for me to communicate this to me and not just drop contact and leave me hanging. He promised me this over and over that he would never ever do this to me. He first promised me that it would never happen because he loves me so much and if for some reason it did he would def tell me. We have had the big talk about lying, secrets etc.. We agreed to always be open and honest with each other. I don't know what the hell happened now?

 

What happened is he is slacking off either because he is just being a moron (sometimes they just are) OR he did find someone else.

 

Either way it does need to get resolved but you are going to have to not get emotional if he does call to talk. Easier said than done I know but when you are explaining how he is treating you and that it is not okay you need to be clear and unemotional. They just listen better that way.

If you cry, etc. sometimes guys just hear the tears and not the words.

 

 

I just don't get it because the last time we talked, even though it was short he sounded fine. He was so sincere and loving. How does it go from having a great conversation to no contact? I honestly don't know what to do now. I feel like such a fool!!

 

I know - believe me I know. And I have been there before with my husband when he slipped and began acting like a neanderthal but we worked it out. So it is possible.

 

 

I have been applying for all these jobs in and around his area and now I don't even know if it's worth it? I can't even concentrate on my studying. I miss him so much. I'm so hurt, angry, confused, worried etc.. If he doesn't want this then why can't he just tell me he wants out? Yeah, it will hurt but I'm a big girl! I just hope and pray we can work this out. I love him so much!!!!

 

I know Cora. I know! It totally completely sucks!

 

Don't think about the jobs and everything right now.

That is a lot that you have been doing and you already have a lot on your plate.

 

How do you pamper yourself? A glass of wine, a hot bubble bath? -- do something for yourself that is just to take care of you tonight. Try to relax.

I am sure he'll get in touch with you to find out WTF happened and why he got that text. Just try to move it aside right now -- do anything possible.

 

 

Thank you Island Girl for your thoughts and encouragement! They mean alot. And thanks again to everyone who responded. I will def keep you updated when and if I hear anything. I just feel miserable!! Been crying all day

 

You're welcome. I am just sorry you have been crying all day. That sucks immeasurably.

 

Also the thing that gets me is he used to always get upset if I didn't respond to his texts or calls but here he is doing it to me. How is that okay? Besides I never went for days on end without contacting him. I have more respect for him than that. Guess he doesn't share that same respect for me. Sigh....

 

I think because he used to get upset, etc. you started making yourself entirely too available and accommodating to him. He has been completely taking advantage of that.

[Lucky_One]

I assume you have Googled him, and looked to see online who is associated with his physical address?

[KikiW]

Sorry to hear about all this Cora, it sounds like you invested a lot into this relationship and he's just drifted off into the nethers, but keeps tugging at the filiment you had left between you.

 

That is just so unfair.

 

And your latest text - I understand it, but it was a bit dramatic. You need to stand up for yourself, sweetheart. Saying "Listen Bucko, we used to have great conversations and you say very sweet things when I DO talk to you, but at BEST this is a part time friendship and I need you to tell me WTF is going on here..." There is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

 

If this guy's spine is so weak that he just crawls away never to be heard from again, then think of him in just that way: weak and crawling like a bug. If he contacts you again, demand to know what's going on because this behavior is hurting you. DO NOT make excuses for feeling the way you do, you are entitled to your feelings!

 

Good luck.

[Cora]

Thank you all for the great advice and encouragement! First of all Elswyth: thank you for being so blunt with your comment about texting on the pot. I got a good laugh out of it which I needed lol!

 

I do wish I wouldn't have sent that text or at least I wish I would have said something different. Now that I look back on it I see it wasn't the best choice but that's what I get for acting before thinking. Well it's all water under the bridge now and not much I can do about it so I guess there is no need to dwell on it.

 

Well I was woken up this morning by a text from him. I wish he would have called me instead but there was nothing I could do about that. His text basically said hey I don't know why you would say what you did but I have just been extremely busy. I've been thinking about you alot. This made me mad because busy doesn't cut it. There is always time to send a quick text saying hello, i'm busy or whatever. You don't go for days with no contact whatsoever. So I reply after waiting awhile with yeah I understand you are busy but don't understand why you don't have a few seconds to send a simple text to say you are busy. I mean does it take that long? He replies with I'll talk to you later. I'm at work at the moment and can't really talk. Miss you though. So yeah I didn't get to express my concerns to him which kind of upset me more. My last text to him was I really hope to talk to you soon, I have alot I need to discuss with you. I hate talking to him over text when I have something important that needs to be said. I don't want to write it all out in an email either because who knows if my questions will get answered then. So I'm just waiting again until we can REALLY talk like on the phone so I can say to him what I need to say or else this isn't going to work.

 

I refuse to be played for a fool and he needs to step it up if he doesn't want to lose me. Again I can't express this to him unless we get to talk. Grrr this is very frustrating!!! There is so much I have to say to him and I'm trying to write it all down so I don't forget. I have also been wondering despite the problems we are having right now if it's time for that visit. I think I need to see him to really know if he is serious or not. We keep saying someday we are going to meet. Well it's always someday and I'm beginning to wonder if that someday is going to be never? I'm thinking about just taking the plunge and going up to NJ to settle this once and for all. At least then I will know just how serious he is about us and our relationship. At least then I will know if we can get through this or if it's over. I'm thinking this may be the only way I'm really going to be able to have a conversation with him. As soon as I hear from him again I'm going to discuss this with him as well about me coming up there and see what he says.

 

Then again maybe this isn't such a good idea. Please let me know what you guys think about it? Any advice is greatly appreciated. I'm just tired of waiting. It's been eight months and I have never seen him face to face. Right now I need that reassurance as to whether this is going to work or if I'm just wasting my time.

[Lucky_One]

How far away are you two?

 

To be perfectly honest, you are very caught up in a very romantic relationship when you really have no idea if you click in a face-to-face manner. He might smell, he might be a horrible tonsil kisser, he might fart during dinner. I wouldn't have been able to invest this much emotion into someone and something that has no basis in true reality.

 

I would insist on a meeting, and insist soon. And not a meet in the middle one, either. I would want to see his place, and see what his life is like.

[Cora]

Well about five minutes after my last post he calls me. He was on his break at work but we didn't even get to talk for 2 minutes. He asked if he could call me right back because he had to go. Still didn't get to discuss everything with him which so frustrates me!! He sounded tired, and was working a double shift today. He said he tried calling me earlier but I never answered. Did not receive a missed call. This has happened before because of limited service where I live. He never got to call me back so I suppose he got busy. So I just sent him another text saying I was hoping we would get to talk more since I had some things to discuss with him, hopefully soon. I really want to talk to him about meeting him as well. So many things to talk about. He wont get off of work until late tonight so I probably wont hear from him again until tomorrow if even that soon. I'm not holding my breath. This is hard but I truly believe he is just busy or at least I want to. I could hear a mans voice in the background calling him so I know he had to go. I just miss him so much. It helped a little to hear his voice even if it was very brief.

 

Lucky One: to answer your question I'm in South Carolina and he is in New Jersey which is about a 12 hour drive.

[Lucky_One]

Not an easy drive in a day, but certainly do-able. Honestly, I would insist on meeting him in his space, rather than let him talk you into meeting halfway. I would want to reassure myself that he doesn't have a wife or a GF hanging around.

[Cora]

Lucky One: I totally agree! Even though I have been talking to this guy for eight months and I feel like I know him well, I know it would be foolish to think that. So yeah I will feel more comfortable once we meet and I would much rather meet him where he lives anyway and not halfway. I am also quite aware that we may not click in person and that the connection we so strongly feel over the phone and online may not be there AT ALL in person! Yes, I'm not going to lie, I would be quite devastated if that happened but that is my own fault for getting attached way too quickly. I'm to the point now where I just want to get it over with.....either meet and find out wow our connection is still so amazing or that we aren't at all compatible and move on. I want to find out now so that I can either move forward with him or stop wasting my time. That sounds harsh but I have fallen so in love with this man that I can't afford to invest anymore time in this relationship if it's going to go nowhere. It will hurt if the love isn't there but at least then I can move on and start to heal. Thanks for the advice!

[Island Girl]

Well about five minutes after my last post he calls me. He was on his break at work but we didn't even get to talk for 2 minutes. He asked if he could call me right back because he had to go. Still didn't get to discuss everything with him which so frustrates me!!

 

Oh. My. God.

 

GAWD!!!!!!!!!!! That totally sucks!! STILL WAITING!

 

I have had similar experiences when I have wanted to talk to DH due to some drama and he is busy -- once I went OFF on him because he told me in a really hushed voice that I needed to call him back in 5 minutes -- and I started telling him LOUDLY that I AM THE PRIORITY and he talks to ME when I call and WHAT ON EARTH could be more important?!! - etc. And he just started saying through clenched teeth "I am in church right now". The phones there sound like they are speakerphone all the time...everyone in the room hears everything.

** maybe you can get a chuckle out of that one - ?

YES I am the original hellcat BTW.

 

So seriously - situations CAN happen and we can't see it so we have no idea.

 

I am NOT making any excuses for your guy by any means. I am just saying he really may be unable to talk right this minute.

 

That doesn't mean he could not have called or texted BEFORE - many times - but you are sitting at crunch time with a clock ticking and he has NO Idea about any of it yet. - He knows you want to talk after texting him a message about being over - so he may be dreading talking to you fearing what he might hear (deservedly so - make no mistake). I just know that there have been a few men in my life who avoid things they think are going to be bad.

 

You know it may not necessarily be bad. It entirely depends on him. He just doesn't know that yet - or really much of anything - so try to remember that too.

 

He sounded tired, and was working a double shift today. He said he tried calling me earlier but I never answered. Did not receive a missed call. This has happened before because of limited service where I live. He never got to call me back so I suppose he got busy.

 

Unfortunately you are stuck playing the waiting game. And it is horrible. Terrible.

 

I hope you get the chance to talk to him soon. And when he isn't tired from a double shift, etc.

 

So I just sent him another text saying I was hoping we would get to talk more since I had some things to discuss with him, hopefully soon. I really want to talk to him about meeting him as well. So many things to talk about. He wont get off of work until late tonight so I probably wont hear from him again until tomorrow if even that soon. I'm not holding my breath.

 

Well there is also that if he worked a double shift he may just be exhausted. Too exhausted to have what he must very well know is a "talk".

 

I hope it is tomorrow! I hope he at least makes time for a phone call to say SOMETHING even if it is his schedule for the day to try to arrange when you guys CAN talk!

 

You just can't tell the man that you love (that is supposed to love you) that you need to talk - and appear obviously upset - and not hear from him for days! What kind of a relationship is that? Where will he be if you need him? Unavailable? Too busy? That is just wrong.

 

This is hard but I truly believe he is just busy or at least I want to. I could hear a mans voice in the background calling him so I know he had to go. I just miss him so much. It helped a little to hear his voice even if it was very brief.

 

I am glad the sound of his voice helped you a bit. I hope you get a good night's rest tonight. You really deserve a break from all this.

 

 

Not an easy drive in a day, but certainly do-able. Honestly, I would insist on meeting him in his space, rather than let him talk you into meeting halfway. I would want to reassure myself that he doesn't have a wife or a GF hanging around.

 

I agree you need to go where he is but if you do drive - Think seriously about bringing a friend with you. It is long drive to be going on by yourself especially to meet a man you have never met before. You just never know and it better to be safe than sorry.

Meet in a public place and let someone know exactly where you are and that you will be calling at a certain time to check in as well.

I am just a worry wart -- but again better to be safe than sorry!

[Els]

Thank you all for the great advice and encouragement! First of all Elswyth: thank you for being so blunt with your comment about texting on the pot. I got a good laugh out of it which I needed lol!

 

Glad to hear that.

 

Is there anything except a long trip preventing you from meeting him? Would you need to skip a few classes, or have funding problems, or would have to miss some obligations? If not, then I would very heartily encourage you to GO! What's 12 hours, rather than waiting another few months in uncertainty? You need to discuss it with him beforehand though, to avoid any excuses (or even real reasons) of him needing to work the entire weekend that you're there, or anything of the sort.

 

Also, I agree with IslandGirl, make sure your first meeting is in a public place -- a cafe or something... and make sure you ensure that you've accommodation in a hotel or something, don't count on bunking at his place. I must admit I didn't actually follow this rule with my guy, but we'd been friends IRL for over a year before the distance, and we had no choice since I didn't want the risk of my overbearing parents seeing us. And it turned out fine, just as I'm pretty sure that yours will turn up fine... if a guy wants to rape a girl there are MUCH easier methods than professing his love to her for 8 months! But like IslandGirl says, better safe than sorry.

 

I know, it sucks to wait! But in this case, it doesn't seem like his fault, unlike the previous incidents of him being off work and not calling you. Hope you get that much-needed conversation soon!

[KikiW]

Quite frankly, I can't get a good bead on this guy. Either he's leading some sort of double life, or he's busting his butt working around the clock and literally has NO TIME to text you with any kind of regularity.

 

If he's busting butt, I can understand being tired and wanting very little other than sitting around on days off doing nothing. But then why is he in a relationship? If he's SO busy that his girlfriend gets a text or a voicemail message every few days, it doesn't seem like he has the TIME to nurture a new relationship, and that seems awfully unfair to you, the person who IS trying to nurture it.

 

I do hope it works out, but he has to understand why you are hurt and confused by his behavior, too, and hopefully change his habits.

[Cora]

He calls me again early this morning and leaves a voicemail. I was asleep and even if I would have heard it I probably would have been too out of it to think clearly and nothing would come out right. His voicemail just said hey it's me, I am at work right now but I just wanted to call and see if I could talk with you a little bit, I know it's early so you're probably sleeping. I hope I get to talk to you soon. I love you too bye. That was hours ago and I haven't contacted him back yet. I think I need to stop reacting right away whenever he calls or texts. Let him sweat it out a bit like he does me. I want to talk to him so badly but I know if I call him it's a huge possiblity he wont be able to talk again because he is busy. Well screw it I'm calling him today anyway because I'm tired of waiting. Wow he has contacted me two days in a row now, that's a new record!!! It's amazing how whenever you tell them you have some things that need to be discussed they jump. I don't know maybe that's not the reason since usually those words tend to push guys away.

 

Keep your fingers crossed that we will have that discussion today and I will be able to get everything out that needs to be said. What would you guys do, tell him everything at once? I mean of course I'm going to discuss the number one most important thing first and that's how going for days on end with no contact makes me feel. How it needs to change or the relationship could very well be over. But should I bring up and discuss all the details of planning a meeting soon as well? Or is that too much for one day? I will probably discuss everything with him if I'm able to get it all out depending on how long we get to chat because frankly at this point I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it all in.

 

Nevermind, (speak of the devil) he just called again as I was writing this post. I think we got to talk for like three minutes this time. Apparently he is working a new job. He was working two jobs before, quit one and got a new one. He is still working two jobs though and working on the weekends now unfortunately. So yeah he is a busy man. Hopefully though with this new job he will be able to call a bit more frequently. He could tell something was wrong and I got everything out about not hearing from him. Sigh.....what a relief!!!! He appologized and said it's not that he hasn't wanted to talk to me but he really didn't get a chance. He promised me that would change so we will see. He had to go so I didn't get to bring up the meeting thing but he said he will try to call me later before he goes into his other job at 4. He did kind of jokingly ask what I was doing for Valentines Day, and was like I thought you were coming up here so we could go out to a nice dinner. That's when I was going to bring up us meeting but his boss came back and he had to get back to work. I do feel better though.

 

I think that that's probably really what we need right now is a face to face meeting finally. It's been far too long and I think each of us has kind of settled into the way things are right now. We need that meeting to either keep us strong or to tell us it's over. I can't wait and now comes the planning. How long would you guys suggest staying on a first meeting? I would def be staying in a hotel so I can't stay as long as I would really like due to financial issues. I figured maybe a nice weekend visit? This will all have to be discussed with him anyway so that it does not conflict with his schedule. It would kind of defeat the purpose of going up there if I never get to see him. Thanks guys for all your advice!! I feel like alot has been lifted off of me.