When A Breakup Doesn't Make Sense

[Dragonflys]

Hello to everyone

 

My girlfreind of 2,1/2 months broke off our relationship today. I'm in a real state of dismay so I'd like to share this with you, vent a little, cry a little, while I try to make sense of what doesn't.

 

When she came to this city 4,1/2 months ago, I offered to show her around. From then on we basically went out together 2-3 times a week and saw a lot of this city and did many diverse and exciting things. Our freindship grew and after two months she kissed me and things went on from there. She had said to a freind of mine that she had a crush on me. We are both 28.

 

The relationship that ensued was pretty much always unsettled and she seemed to have problems with me getting too close to her. I would describe myself as pretty emotional, while she is the opposite. After 5 weeks, she said she felt that we should be just freinds, but I convinced her (maybe foolishly..as Tony said I should have listened to her then) that we should take the pressure off and see how it goes. I really did take all pressure off (not that there was that much anyway [as she said])and let her be the independant person she is. We didn't drift apart in any way though because we still did many things together and she would always ask if I wanted to do something with her if I didn't see her for a day or two. So we continued to go out 3 to even 4 times a week. She also didn't make any attempt to spend time with other people or make other freinds. She was however often very standoffish and didn't intiate much intimacy when we went out. Maybe the 'crush' had fizzed away.

 

When we did talk closely on several occasions, I did tell her that I didn't want to become a victim of the deflated crush and wanted to show her that I could be different from her previous boyfreinds (she'd had about 12, 10 of which didn't last 3 months because they were all crushes that fizzed just like mine). She had never been in love before and I offered to be patient to see if that could develop between us. She couldn't try any longer. I'm not angry at her, because she was always honest about how she felt and where our relationship was.

 

She said the following things today though that make this really hurt and take all the sense away.

 

She said that during the relationship I did nothing wrong

 

She said that I ws not like her other boyfreinds

 

She said that she wished that things were different

 

She said I was cute, intelligent, sociable..blah, blah.

 

BUT SHE SAID THAT THERE WAS AN UNDEFINABLE ELEMENT MISSING

 

So what can I do??..just crawl in a hole and disappear

 

This really hurts me because we had many elements I felt to build a beautiful relationship together, our approaches to life were very similar but we were so different and brought many exciting things in to each others lives.

 

My only interpretation is that she is looking for physical and intelectual stimulation 24 hours a day from her 'man'..forget about accepting the other person for what he is and considering falling in love. I guess to her falling in love meant showing signs of being weak and needy. Sad and not true. Unless she realises that I think she will have a life full of crushes.

 

Can anyone offer me some solace here?

 

Tony, tell it like it is

 

Oliver (Distraught)

[Dragonflys]

What also dismays me is that both of us were crying when we were talking about this. She said I was all she could want except for that missing element I described.

 

Is she lying to me, or can such a missing element be what is the difference between a beautiful relationship or freindship. After offering her myself as a person who was attractive to her, exciting to be with, attentive to her (but never smothering), I was never passive aggressive or tried to play emotional games with her, happy, and creative.....all this just was not enough.

 

I'm just so lost.

[Jesaco]

What also dismays me is that both of us were crying when we were talking about this. She said I was all she could want except for that missing element I described. Is she lying to me, or can such a missing element be what is the difference between a beautiful relationship or freindship. After offering her myself as a person who was attractive to her, exciting to be with, attentive to her (but never smothering), I was never passive aggressive or tried to play emotional games with her, happy, and creative.....all this just was not enough.

 

I'm just so lost.

Hi!

 

The one element that's missing is the body chemistry. She doesn't feel that tingle when she touches you. A romantic relationship needs to have both friendship and chemistry in order to be complete.

[Tony T]

The only thing that made you different about her previous 12 boyfriends was that you were NUMBER THIRTEEN. I hope you aren't superstitious.

 

This girl may have no clue what love is or what she is looking for. My guess is that when she reaches a level of maturity where she feels she is ready to settle down, she might even go for Pee Wee Herman. But until then, it's just going to be the mini-relationships set in her pattern.

 

If the time isn't right for two people at the same time, you've just got to move on.

 

This lady also has serious intimacy and related issues that she has not yet confronted. Judging from her past, she may have a deep fear of getting to close. What is her relationship with her parents? Did one of them, particularly her father, leave her at a young age? Is her father emotionally distant?

 

There is also the good chance she didn't feel that special chemistry she is looking for...and she was very right in telling you it had nothing to do with you. Actually more than a good chance...she told you straight out she didn't feel it. She owns her feelings, not you. You could provide more than ample chemistry for many ladies, I'm sure, but perhaps not this one...at least not now.

 

Consider yourself far more lucky than some guys whose ladies fake the chemistry in order to achieve some other hidden agenda they don't learn about until the divorce attorneys are arguing about a settlement.

 

Love is not a mechanical thing. People's feelings come from an emotional salad of their past experiences, positive and negative and there's nothing you can do.

 

So celebrate the time you were with her and that she told you early on about the missing element in your relationship with her. Rejoice she didn't keep you around longer, as she did two of her victims.

 

Also, don't discount the fact she may just be addicted to varieties of men. It sounds like she's fairly shallow in some ways so don't be surprised if you see her out with another guy soon.

 

And don't be shocked if she's with Pee Wee.

 

P.S. You referred to me in your post as a she. I am a he. The female Toni is spelled with an "i" at the end most of the time. But, then again, Tony spelled backwards, is "WHY NOT???"

[Lisa]

Oliver

 

First of all, ditto everything that Tony said.

 

And the reaso you were both crying is that you were both upset about the fact that this relationship did not work out. Crying on her part DOES NOT mean that she does not want to break up. Considering how difficult it is to break up with someone you have to really want to do it, in order to do it. Anytime a partnership is dissolved for any reason there is sadness on both sides. And if there is any regret at all over the dissolution it is due to the fact that it was necessary. Of course she is not totally heartless. And I'm sure she wishes things were different and that they had worked out. But trust me on this, dear, she ain't gonna change anytime soon. Not with her track record.

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do (sort of a lobotomy) to change her mind or her feelings. No one can change another person, though many have tried. She probably does have committment and intimacy issues. She may also have some honesty issues as she continued to see you past that 5 week time when she originally wanted to break up. After that you were able to prolong the relationship but probably because she lacked the courage to do anything else.

 

You are much better off, though I know you are in pain. Would you want a long term relationship with someone like her who is unable to committ (or be consistently honest)?Now you are free to go out and meet someone who is right for you, or ready for a long term relationship and may be honest and sincere. Oh, I know, not right now certainly but after you have healed.

 

Do not make any attempts to contact her. You need time to be alone and fully grieve this before you can handle any contact with her. Let yourself feel the pain so you can deal with the pain.

 

This is her loss, too, and she will probably try to contact you and find out how you are, etc. It's a nasty ploy on her part to do so. It helps assuage her guilt. Don't be a plaything for her to make her feel better at your expense.

 

Consider this a learning experience.

 

Never have a relationship with anyone who needs to be "fixed". It's a no win situation from the get go.

 

I sent you email. Take care and let this pain go.

 

(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[Desperado]

hi

BUT SHE SAID THAT THERE WAS AN UNDEFINABLE ELEMENT MISSING

That's one of the worst thing you can ever hear from a women u love. I heard something similar from the woman I still love.

 

You would be puzzled, wondering what do other men have that you don't...

 

You would probably feel inferior and have low self-esteem

This really hurts me because we had many elements I felt to build a beautiful relationship together, our approaches to life were very similar but we were so different and brought many exciting things in to each others lives.

Yup....it sure hurts.....I share the same things with the gal as u did with her

My only interpretation is that she is looking for physical and intelectual stimulation 24 hours a day from her 'man'..forget about accepting the other person for what he is and considering falling in love. I guess to her falling in love meant showing signs of being weak and needy. Sad and not true. Unless she realises that I think she will have a life full of crushes. Can anyone offer me some solace here? Tony, tell it like it is Oliver (Distraught)

SOrry Oliver...I wish I could help......well if I could offer any piece of advice to you now...comin' from me...is

 

do what you can...but don't over do it...be yourself when you are with her, tell her you still care for her, but be careful....be prepared to get hurt.

 

Do not ever get into a depression.....I drank, smoke and most recently did dope to run away from the problem....now drinkin' smokin' and dope has been added to the problem....

 

I spendin' my money way too fast on these #####.....

 

WE are only human.....we need love too.....

 

bless you.

[Dragonflys]

To you all

 

Thankyou for the words of advice.

 

It comes down simply to right connection physically, intellectually, but not emotionally. When people are like her emotionally, they require constant stimulation to be happy and their mind moves at a squillion miles an hour, little do they know how beautiful life is when you smell the roses.

 

Tony, she describes her Father as someone of few words who does not express his feelings very often, her Mother is very chatty. She also said that as a child she didn't like to be held or cuddled like other children. These walls run deep.

 

I did my best to try and get through some of these walls and did it without being obsessive or overattentive. But you can't take down the great wall of China in two and a half months. But if I had have not tried and just played with her, it would not have turned out any different so I have no regrets. I have no regrets on my part which makes it easier.

 

I want more than anything to continue to be a freind to her and see if I can get through to her that way. However that would be very hard on me, especially right now, so I cannot be that. At least for the next month I must see as little of her as possible.

 

Sometimes I think that emotionally I am in a minority group.

 

Lisa,

 

Thanks for the kind words, I'll check my email..I need you.

 

You are right.

 

Jesaco

 

You think I'd know chemistry, I work in a science lab!!!!!

 

Desperado

 

Thankyou for being so kind. The missing element is the painful because we can do nothing about it. Hey ease up on the nasties and find peace deep down.

[techartist]

You know, the EXACT same thing happened to me just about 2 weeks ago, except it was the guy who did it to me. This guy even went so far as to tell me he loved me and wanted to move in together. Then all of the sudden he wanted space, and 6 weeks later, he wanted to break up. He otld me all the same things your ex told me that it was nothing I did, etc. And I believe him. He cried, too during our talk. I had a long talk with him, and he can't understand himself, but I recognize that I can't change him. He does have committment issues, along with a multitude of other problems/bagage.

 

I am in alot of pain right now as well. Not much helps to dull it, but doing stuff like this, reaching out for support, etc. I have a girlfriend that has saved my life, allowing me to talk to her every day since it happened. At least you have this board. Nothing really will help but time.

 

I'm really sorry, I understand EXACTLY how you feel. I hope you feel better soon (I figure it will take me another month at least to start to function again.)

 

Kristy

First of all, ditto everything that Tony said. And the reaso you were both crying is that you were both upset about the fact that this relationship did not work out. Crying on her part DOES NOT mean that she does not want to break up. Considering how difficult it is to break up with someone you have to really want to do it, in order to do it. Anytime a partnership is dissolved for any reason there is sadness on both sides. And if there is any regret at all over the dissolution it is due to the fact that it was necessary. Of course she is not totally heartless. And I'm sure she wishes things were different and that they had worked out. But trust me on this, dear, she ain't gonna change anytime soon. Not with her track record.

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do (sort of a lobotomy) to change her mind or her feelings. No one can change another person, though many have tried. She probably does have committment and intimacy issues. She may also have some honesty issues as she continued to see you past that 5 week time when she originally wanted to break up. After that you were able to prolong the relationship but probably because she lacked the courage to do anything else. You are much better off, though I know you are in pain. Would you want a long term relationship with someone like her who is unable to committ (or be consistently honest)?Now you are free to go out and meet someone who is right for you, or ready for a long term relationship and may be honest and sincere. Oh, I know, not right now certainly but after you have healed. Do not make any attempts to contact her. You need time to be alone and fully grieve this before you can handle any contact with her. Let yourself feel the pain so you can deal with the pain. This is her loss, too, and she will probably try to contact you and find out how you are, etc. It's a nasty ploy on her part to do so. It helps assuage her guilt. Don't be a plaything for her to make her feel better at your expense. Consider this a learning experience. Never have a relationship with anyone who needs to be "fixed". It's a no win situation from the get go. I sent you email. Take care and let this pain go. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[Dragonflys]

Tony

 

I found the sentence in the post

 

Actually the 'her' was referring to my ex..it could be my grammar, but try reading it again anyway.

 

Oliver

[OrlandoTommy]

Oliver,

 

All I can say is read the post I just put up, search for my nickname. You will feel much better then.

 

Tommy

 

<e-mail address removed>

Hello to everyone My girlfreind of 2,1/2 months broke off our relationship today. I'm in a real state of dismay so I'd like to share this with you, vent a little, cry a little, while I try to make sense of what doesn't. When she came to this city 4,1/2 months ago, I offered to show her around. From then on we basically went out together 2-3 times a week and saw a lot of this city and did many diverse and exciting things. Our freindship grew and after two months she kissed me and things went on from there. She had said to a freind of mine that she had a crush on me. We are both 28. The relationship that ensued was pretty much always unsettled and she seemed to have problems with me getting too close to her. I would describe myself as pretty emotional, while she is the opposite. After 5 weeks, she said she felt that we should be just freinds, but I convinced her (maybe foolishly..as Tony said I should have listened to her then) that we should take the pressure off and see how it goes. I really did take all pressure off (not that there was that much anyway [as she said])and let her be the independant person she is. We didn't drift apart in any way though because we still did many things together and she would always ask if I wanted to do something with her if I didn't see her for a day or two. So we continued to go out 3 to even 4 times a week. She also didn't make any attempt to spend time with other people or make other freinds. She was however often very standoffish and didn't intiate much intimacy when we went out. Maybe the 'crush' had fizzed away.

 

When we did talk closely on several occasions, I did tell her that I didn't want to become a victim of the deflated crush and wanted to show her that I could be different from her previous boyfreinds (she'd had about 12, 10 of which didn't last 3 months because they were all crushes that fizzed just like mine). She had never been in love before and I offered to be patient to see if that could develop between us. She couldn't try any longer. I'm not angry at her, because she was always honest about how she felt and where our relationship was. She said the following things today though that make this really hurt and take all the sense away. She said that during the relationship I did nothing wrong She said that I ws not like her other boyfreinds

 

She said that she wished that things were different She said I was cute, intelligent, sociable..blah, blah. BUT SHE SAID THAT THERE WAS AN UNDEFINABLE ELEMENT MISSING So what can I do??..just crawl in a hole and disappear This really hurts me because we had many elements I felt to build a beautiful relationship together, our approaches to life were very similar but we were so different and brought many exciting things in to each others lives. My only interpretation is that she is looking for physical and intelectual stimulation 24 hours a day from her 'man'..forget about accepting the other person for what he is and considering falling in love. I guess to her falling in love meant showing signs of being weak and needy. Sad and not true. Unless she realises that I think she will have a life full of crushes. Can anyone offer me some solace here? Tony, tell it like it is Oliver (Distraught)