After 15 years, she cheated and took our kids

[Lying eyes]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I am devastated. I feel complete despair. The only thing that keeps me going is my two wonderful children. I try to smile when I’m around them, but I feel such utter pain I never even thought possible, and I’ve lost both of my parents at a young age, so I’m familiar with pain and loss. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Rewind to one month ago. I had a big fight with my wife about her not feeling like she was loved enough by me. She felt I was too negative and not open enough and wanted me to seek counseling. I agreed, but our lives for the next two weeks were very busy and I left message with a few therapists, but never made a solid appointment. The last few months our relationship has been difficult, but we’ve had a lot of stress to contend with. I thought we were just in a rough patch, that we’d work through it. Then, two weeks ago my wife and I had a fight about trust. I knew deep down inside she was hiding something from me. She’s been going out with friends, getting very drunk and coming home late. Then there was the mark on her neck. It looked like a hickey, which she lied about saying her girlfriend gave it to her on the dance floor. I find out from another friend that was actually probably because she got into a fight with a guy in the car ride home. I could tell by her mannerisms and the look on her face something wasn’t right. I told her I couldn’t trust her. That she had lied to me about the hickey. She didn’t think it was a big deal. She also has slapped me a couple of times lately. She said she was joking, but I told her I thought it was disrespectful. She even did it once in front of her parents. Then after the fight we had two weeks ago, she calmly says, “fine then it’s over, we’re over. How do you want to split up the kids.” We literally went from earlier that day walking hand in hand, talking about our future, to this. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Then she leaves the state to stay with her parents, saying fear has driven her away. She takes our kids, and doesn’t even tell me. She empties our bank account and doesn’t tell me. Then she has the audacity to be angry with me for canceling the credit cards. Her parents have helped and abetted her, although they say they love me and feel for me, but I should understand they have to be very careful about talking to me right now. I try to contact her to find out what is going on, to tell her how much I love her, that she is my world, and she just says she needs space, but wants me to see the kids. So during the week I pick up books on saving your marriage and being emotionally intimate. I’m thinking, I want to change and win her back. I’m actually reading these books with a highlighter and taking notes. I want to be a better man. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Then, I then find out from friends that she is telling people that she is a battered women because I am verbally abusive. She’s trying to turn friends and family against me. If I’m verbally abusive I’m like a 2 out of 10. I had no idea she felt this way. So I talk to a therapist about what this means. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Then I start to wonder, there is something more to all this. So I look at the cell phone bill online. I see she is texting, sending pics, and calling this one number that I don’t recognize. I call it with *67 so they can’t see my number and get his voicemail. It’s her little brother’s 22 year old friend. A guy that lives not far from us and is the one that my wife got into a fight with in the car, getting the mark on her neck. A guy who I’m told has a crush on my wife. Then I think about that last few weeks before she left. She told me she was going out with a new mom’s group. I look at the call log that day, and not one of them was a number that could have been from a mom friend. But guess who was on the call log that day, right before she left the house? Her new 22-year old guy friend. I find this out at midnight and lay in bed for 3 hours thinking about it. Why? What does it mean? Part of me is already making up excuses for her. Maybe she they’re just friends, and she didn’t feel like telling me the truth about going out with him. But then I think about the numerous pix messages at 2 in the morning. There’s not other plausible explanation than that she is having an affair right under my nose. We’re in a different state than him now, and she is still calling and texting him numerous times a day. Usually in the middle of the night. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]All I can do is think about all the things that are missing from my life with her gone. No one to share my frustrations with about work. No one to share dreams. Plan vacations. Play games with our kids. Snuggle on the couch. But even more, the person I thought I was going to share my entire life with has betrayed me. After 15 years. I feel like such a schmuck for not immediately filing for divorce. I want her to come clean with me, but I think she will only perpetuate the lies. I’ve learned in the last two days she’s such an accomplished liar she could tell you the sky is red, and you’d walk away thinking wow, I always thought it was blue. Even if we get divorced, I want to be able to look her in the eye and respect her as the mother of my children. Maybe she’s going through a midlife crises. She lost 15 pounds in two weeks, and she didn’t have 15 to lose. We’re meeting with a third party to talk about where to go from here. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]So now I’m feeling almost completely alone in the world. I have no family to speak of other than my sister. I only have one or two true friends, and one lives far away. No one that can even come close to filling the gap of what I have lost. She has a large supportive family, making this transition much easier for her. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]How could she do this to our family? [/FONT][/sIZE]

[Gunny376]

#1 She's cheating on you ~ at least over the phone, internet ~ emotionally

 

#2 She's cheating on you physically.

 

#3 She's a liar!

 

#4 She's a cheater!

 

#5 She's selfish and self-centered!

 

#6 She's a manipulator!

 

#7 She's narcissistic

 

#8 She has "issues"

 

#9 She's weak minded

 

#10 She's weak hearted!

 

#11 She's weak-willed!

 

#12 You cheat on her? Its your fault! She cheats on you? Its still your fault!

 

Where in the Hell did you get in your freaking head that this was the BEST you deserved?

[wuggle]

So, from what you have posted it is almost certain she is having a full blown affair with a 22 year old guy and has been for a while, you seem to have accepted that.

 

The feelings of desperation, confusion and loneliness you are experiencing are sadly very common in these circumstances. An affair like this is truly horrible, especially when it comes out of the blue a bit. You have built your whole lfe for the past 15 years on the assumption that you will always be a family, your circle of friends has dwindled to that you and your wife share, and now that and everything else has just blown up in your face. You are also in shock as to just how good a liar your wife has been (sadly we can all be that good at lying).

 

There are many posters to this site who have been through similar and will offer advice (good and bad, listen to all discard what doesn't work for you) so if nothing else at least be assured that everything you are thinking and feeling is quite normal.

 

However you come out of this situation you will go through stages such as denial (where your trying to make excuses for your wife etc), anger (this can be the most damaging to you long term and can if not managed mean you are left bitter for many years to come or destroy any chance of reconciliation , if that is what you both want), and acceptance. And throughout all these phases will be an underlying confusion and sadness.

 

So what to do now?

 

First you both need to talk. You do mention that you plan to do this. My advice here, try to do this with a professional counsellor, they are much better trained to help you look at issues calmly, this is important because your emotions for both of you are so raw and confused you might do a lot of damage through anger. If you cant get professional help at least do your very best to stay calm and as unjudgemental as possible.

 

You need to have some quite time to think if you want to reconcile and forgive her (whether or not this is possible, she may not want to). You need to be totally honest with yourself, not answering to anyone else. If you feel you will never be able to forgive her then that's ok, but important not to try to do the right thing etc for the wrong reasons and end up regretting it later on.

 

You may find that she has no interest in reconciling, and sadly there is probably little you can do to change her mind. If you have to accept this then please know that it is possible to rebuild your life without her, many on here have and will give some good avice if you ask them.

 

Or you may find that she wants to reconcile several months down the line, again honesty with yourself will be important , but again know that several people have rebuilt thier lives with thier partners after an affair.

 

Know you are not alone, especially on this site. For now try to stay as calm as possible amidst the storm, keep your anger as 'boxed' as possible, manage day by day, eat, breathe, try to stay as focussed as possible at work and try to talk calmy to discuss what you both want.

 

Good luck.

[wuggle]

ps just so you know the [FONT] type messages are caused by pasting from Word etc, stick to using the editor on the site, people SHOULD be forgiving of spelling mistakes as long as its not just laziness (but we all have a laugh at each others expense I'm afraid).

[Lying eyes]

Thanks for your reply. Does that often happen where people separate for months, one of them says its over, and they have a change of heart?

 

We're meeting with a counselor in 2 days. At first she said she'd only meet with a mediator, but that this wasn't divorce, now she wants to meet with this counselor. But the other day when she was over dropping the kids off, I told her I was reading this book about how to save your marriage and avoid divorce, she rolled her eyes, didn't even smile. I'm fairly certain based on that and communication I've had with mutual friends that she doesn't want to get back together. Then that night I found out about the affair.

 

Until this point I was prepared to go into the session asking for her forgiveness for the way I have acted, and to let her know I am committed to changing parts about myself she finds disagreeable - the negativity, showing emotion and intimacy. I thought there might be something wrong with me that I never realized how horrible I was. I was thinking I needed medication. I was even going to agree with separation, so she wouldn't have to make a decision until she saw the changes and effort I've made. I don't know what I want anymore, or if I want to reconcile. If I let the hurt and anger act, I know I will file for divorce. But the other side of me wants to be able to reconcile, even though I'm pretty sure she doesn't.

 

Meanwhile we have an apartment full of stuff, that is 1000 miles away. At least the lease is up at the end of March.

 

I don't know if she realizes how hard her life is going to be, unless she finds another man to support her, which she could probably do because she's quite good looking. Before she stayed home with our children, she was always miserable at every job she ever had. I was always the rock that made sure we were never poor. Maybe that is playing into it. The business I started a year ago has failed with the economy. Because of an inheritance, I have about another year's worth of assets to live on. Inheritance is exempt from divorce property, so she shouldn't see a penny.

 

If we get legally separated in two days, I want to be completely financially separate from her. I want her to pay for her own cell phone, so she can send her lover 4000 texts a month without me paying for it. I want her to pay for her own medical insurance, car insurance, and living expenses.

 

I appreciate your thoughts.

[Lizzie60]

Hum... what a mess...

 

I think you have to start moving on.. one step at a time.. make sure you see a lawyer.. and go from there.

 

We only see your side here.. you probably were verbally abusive.. you probably let things go when you should have done something about it...

 

I don't think, from what I've read, that she wants you back in her life.. I think she has already moved on..

 

Try to find support from your friends and family.. she has a good support for her.. good for her.. now you have to put your life back into 'gear' and move on.. just make sure there is no 'war' on your kids' back.. other than that, you are both adults.. you need to split with the least damage to the kids..

[Lying eyes]

She just asked to meet me for coffe and I agreed. We're meeting in 1/2 hour. I asked if she wanted to talk about us and kids, and she said, yeah, and to just chill. She said see you then with a smiley face on the text. She was out last night with her girlfriends, that as far as I know like me. Maybe they convinced her she has something good here.

 

I feel so emotional that I shouldn't go, especially with the realization two days ago that she's probably been cheating on me. But I want to know where she stands on us and maybe she's ready to confess.

[Mr. Lucky]

You don't gain anything by cutting off communication with her, especially with kids involved. Let us know what happens...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wuggle]

Probably too late now as you've hopefully gone, but good luck, stay calm and let us know what happens.

[Lizzie60]

I'm curious.. you said you've been married 15 years.. how old is she?

 

From your post, she seems to be very young.. but if you've been married 15 years, I guess she's about 33-35...

 

How old are the kids?

[goodman2009]

I can't tell you how much I felt your pain, my friend. Our stories are eerily similar. I was married 15 years to my best friend, father of three little ones. My wife started acting out of character (drinking too much, hanging out late with wild friends, etc.) about a year ago, then she took a job after being a stay at home housewife. Her first biz trip, she hooked up with a guy. I never saw it coming. Yes, there were signs, but she was not the cheating type, or so I thought. I got the news on 12/1, it's been eight weeks and let me tell you what I've learned. Most people here are going to advise one of two options: stay or go. And while that really is the reality, it's the manner in which you choose either that's the key. Upon hearing the news, I chose, almost immediately and to my surprise, to forgive and love her through it. I now recognize this as a self-defense mechanism to keep the family intact, and to not lose my identity. But as things evolved I stuck with it, I chose to be compassionate. To understand instead of be understood. It was so hard, and I wrestle with it everyday, but it has made all the difference. Whether you decide to stay or go, you must realize the feelings you are experiencing have less to do with how you feel about your wife and more to do with how you feel about you. Your old identity has been destroyed-husband, father, etc. Your ego wants to hold onto it. Let it go. It's rare that life offers you a second act. If you choose to love your wife through this, you will gain a sense of control back that she took from you. The lower emotions-hate, jealousy, resentment, suspicion--are reactionary emotions that almost everyone chooses because they are the easiest. They don't require any thought or discipline. But to forgive requires strength. This does not mean you have to forget, but should you choose to love her through it--and even the guy she was with, forgive them both as hard it sounds---you will be amazed at the transformation you will witness in her behavior and yours. If your intent is to win her back, do you expect she will find you more attractive if you're plowing through her phone records or interrogating her? Of course not. But watch what happens when you say, and mean it, that you forgive her and love her. Tell her you are grateful to her for giving you this gift of new perspective, a second chance at life. You may not have wanted one, and it can be scary, but realize this. Your problems aren't with her now, they are between you and, for lack of a better term, God. I'm not a bible thumper, but this is really it. If you are happy or unhappy as a result of someone else's behavior, it is a conditional love that you will always be vulnerable to. But, if you can learn to love unconditionally and be loved without neediness or attachment, you will find a sense of power you will never know existed. I moved out a month ago and it's been the hardest thing I ever did, but I now am reaping the fruits of my change of perspective. My wife and I are better friends than we've been in a long time. She's been with other men since this event, and I still love her. I wrestle with whether to take her back everyday, but the beauty is, it is now my choice. She is more in love with me than she ever was. She can't believe the transformation, and it has made me more attractive to her. But now I'm looking out at the world with fresh eyes and I'm not sure I want her back. I have a date tonight. It's not where I thought I'd be, but I'm chose not to let the cancer grow inside me. Love conquers all, especially when you learn to love yourself. You'll be fine, man. Just let go and watch what happens. She had a mid-life crisis. She caught the eye of a younger man. How flattered she must have been. But she will realize it was just an ego stroke, nothing more, and she will regret the loss of you. You did nothing wrong. Don't go back expecting her to change. It's you who needs to do the heavy lifting. She has been acting unconsciously and when she wakes up, it will, sadly, be a nightmare she'll never be able to wake up from, unless you, the only one who has the power, forgive her and tell her she's perfect and human. She won't believe it unless you believe it, but when you practice forgiveness, miracles happen. "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds upon the heel that has crushed it." Try it, and set yourself free. Good luck.

[Lying eyes]

She said that she couldn't wait any longer. Her knowing it was over but not telling me was eating her up inside. She wants an immediate divorce. I told her I couldn't just stop being in love with her over night and needed some time to accept this. She said she wasn't responsible for my feelings anymore, but grudgingly agreed to get a legal separation first, as long as I understood there was no chance of us getting back together.

 

She wants to be friends and raise our children together. She wants to be able to have birthdays and occasionally go to the park or zoo as a family. I broke her heart and she's over men (except the 22 year old). She's going to explore being a lesbian.

 

She brought up this guy knowing I was going to ask about it. She said she never cheated on me and they are only friends. He is someone who is supporting her through this process. I told her I didn't believe her and she got angry. I said fine, we'll agree to disagree and move one. She didn't let it go asking how I could not trust her. I told her I know from the phone records that she was with him when she said she went out with her friends. She said not to tell her brother (he's her brother's friend), but she was actually setting him up with a gay man because he is bicurious. I said it was still inappropriate of her to have a relationship with a young man without telling me, and to deceive me telling me she was going out with girlfriends would make anyone suspicious of the relationship. She said she could be friends with anyone she wanted and didn't have to run it by me first. She said I was a psycho for asking questions about this, I should just accept that they are friends. Do guy/girl friends text each other pictures at 2 in the morning? She had no answer for that. Just that I was acting psycho for asking.

 

Then she said she's willing to settle out of court for 50% custody and 20 grand for our house. I have the money to pay her, but our house is probably worth nothing after commission. The money I have is from an inheritance and separate from our estate. I told her she was the one leaving and that I wanted to work things out, so why should I pay her to leave me? She said, then consider it my payment for 15 years together. At this point, I told her were done talking about this, but that I would take a look at how much the house is worth. Man she is cruel. I think she's being mean to manipulate me into signing off on the divorce. I also think she wants to move quickly while I still love her, so I'm more willing to give her money. She has the 4 grand she took from our account. She also wants me to pay for our kids' school and healthcare, which I'm fine with doing for now, until she gets on her feet. But I'm tempted to only give her 1/2 the equity in the house, which may be nothing depending upon what the appraiser says. Is that wrong if I want her to be completely financially on her own? If she's not responsible for my emotions, why should I be responsible for her financial stability?

 

Next steps.

 

1. Contact my lawyer, run everything by him, have him review paperwork.

 

2. Find a mediator, set up an appointment for this week.

 

3. Join a local divorce support group.

 

4. Get a therapist specializing in divorces with young children (ages 5 and 18 mos.). I really want my babies to be happy in life.

 

5. I want to meet with her family and tell my side of the story. Her parents and siblings know nothing of the likely affair, and I want them to know where I am coming from. I want them to understand why I am distrustful of her.

 

6. Should wants to fly out first to our appartmet with her brother and pack everything up, if I can fly down and handle loading it into a container. Of course she'll also get a chance to see her little 22 year old friend too, but I guess that's not my concern anymore. The thing is, that gives her first crack at our stuff. I've got a few things that mean a lot to me like my guitars. Of course she also expects me to pick up the moving tab. My friend says I should fly down first and pack my stuff and everything belonging to our kids, ship it back, leaving her to handle the what belongs to her. Then we can split up the children's things up here. He said, why would you want her packing your stuff, and why would you want to help her pay for shipping hers?

[goodman2009]

Everything you're doing is only going to make your life worse: lawyers, etc. You're pissed, and should be. Pain and anger are a part of this, but you are wasting your time with those emotions. Read my earlier post, and even if it feels inauthentic, try loving her through this. Write her an email thanking her for 15 years, that you respect her decisions, and that you just want you both and your kids to be happy. It will feel forced at first. Than only communicate with her about logistics. Don't ask about her life--especially who she's seeing. By doing so, you're turning power over to her. Moreover, your anger and jealousy will make it easier for her to justify in her head what's she done to you and the kids. Rise above it, even if you have to fake it until you make it. I promise you, it will turn this around in your favor. Give her what she wants, money and everything. In the end, you will walk away with much more: your pride, dignity, self-esteem and most importantly the knowing that there is nothing she can take from you. It's hard man, but you are all that you've got. Don't destroy yourself with all the usual BS people do to each other. Take the less traveled path and it will make all the difference.

[lkjh]

Everything you're doing is only going to make your life worse: lawyers, etc. You're pissed, and should be. Pain and anger are a part of this, but you are wasting your time with those emotions. Read my earlier post, and even if it feels inauthentic, try loving her through this. Write her an email thanking her for 15 years, that you respect her decisions, and that you just want you both and your kids to be happy. It will feel forced at first. Than only communicate with her about logistics. Don't ask about her life--especially who she's seeing. By doing so, you're turning power over to her. Moreover, your anger and jealousy will make it easier for her to justify in her head what's she done to you and the kids. Rise above it, even if you have to fake it until you make it. I promise you, it will turn this around in your favor. Give her what she wants, money and everything. In the end, you will walk away with much more: your pride, dignity, self-esteem and most importantly the knowing that there is nothing she can take from you. It's hard man, but you are all that you've got. Don't destroy yourself with all the usual BS people do to each other. Take the less traveled path and it will make all the difference.

 

Whats your next advice to bend over and say thank you!!!

 

Man Im sorry to say this but that excuse about the OM being gay is just BS. She is cheating and coming up with random things. She is going to make you out to be some kind of monster if you play by her rules. She will convince everyone(even your kids) that some how you messed up. Expose the affair to everyone including her brother. This will do a couple of things including; first it will make her face reality. Right now she is in lala land and she is getting sympathy from others. Exposing it will also cut off her resources. People are not going to help a wife who cheated with a 22 year old. Stop believing her, she is lying.

 

Lastly, remember that nobody else will help you. You need to help yourself. Right now just worry about your children and your future.

[lkjh]

Remember tell her family, especially her brother.

[lkjh]

Goodman, I can't believe you want him to thank her for this. Also, Im sorry but if he does nothing she will not love him more. She will most likely loose respect for him. There is a reason why they say NC is the best method for getting someone back. Anytime you chase someone who has checked out of the marriage; you loose.

[pelicanpreacher]

At this point your approach to the dissolution of your marriage should be addressed as any business partnership that's being dissolved. You are both correct in that she is no longer required to invest in your emotional well being just as you are no longer required to preserve her financial well being either. You must become as hardened as any other businessman striking a deal when it comes to the division of assets and assessment of liabilities to ensure that you retain more shirt on your back than your adversary. I'd advise that you speak to your attorney regarding your inheritance for if she is not entitled to any of those proceeds then that asset must be protected from attachment asap!

 

As far as your child is concerned I'd advise that you look first into shared custody to eliminate or mitigate child support expenses. I'd also demand that if you are to pick up the cost of your child's health insurance that it's value be represented and deducted within your obligagtion for child support even if it doesn't cost you anything to provide. The notion that you should give her any and everything she could ever ask for in a divorce petition is ludicrous on its face for doing so will not ingratiate her to you now or ever and only make your pockets that much poorer for a good deed never to be requited. Lastly, you are no longer her husband, friend, or lover. Though she is the mother of your child let that not bear any weight on any decision you have to make to protect yourself, child, and future in any way whatsoever.

 

Once she understands this new reality and is forced to stand on her own two feet throughout this ordeal only then she can fully appreciate the ramifications of her attitude and decisons. If this heifer feels the grass is greener on the other side of the fence then open the door, tell her to get down on all fours, and get busy mowing the lawn!

[Lying eyes]

Remember tell her family, especially her brother.

 

I just don't know. I want to tell her family I think she had an affair, but all I have is phone records indicating she sent texts and spoke with him back to January. I know that she told me she was going out with her friends twice and she was really with him. They might just think I'm being crazy and vindictive, but I know in my heart she cheated, and I want them to know too. She's deflecting all blame for our situation to me, saying I broke her heart. I feel bad for what I did to contribute - emotionally distant, negative, but it pisses me off that she can't even accept hat lying to me is wrong. It's like she's weaving such a complex web of lies she can't even tell truth from fiction.

 

Now she's flying back to the apartment with the younger brother to pack up. I told her I wanted a contract saying this other guy would not enter the premises, she agreed. Don't most accomplished liers become extremely defensive when confronted? Even if she didn't cheat on me, shouldn't she acknowledge that it was wrong to deceive me about going out to the bar with another man? I guess I'm saying she can keep the first lie to herself, but apologize for the second.

[wuggle]

Sorry to see this happening.

 

Re the previous two posts my advice is somewhere between the two. If you are going to get divorced and 'split up' your assets etc, if there really is no chance of reconciling then rememebr you have several people to do the right thing by, Her, your kids and yourself. The last just as important as the rest. Dont just bend over and take it, but likewise dont be a complete monster. You need to try to find the balance and do what you honestly think is fair for her AND you. If giving her £20k seems fair then do it, if you honestly think she is taking the p*ss then don't. Remember no matter what your feelings now you're in pain, you did love her for a long time, if not still.

 

It does sound like there is some wierd excuses being made and the whole truth is not out yet by a long shot, The issue of 'exploring lesbianism' sounds a bit wierd, still sounds to me like she is having an affair with the 22 yr old, be prepared for more confusion and lies.

 

As there are children involved I would advise that you try to keep as much of the pain out of thier eyes, and where this is unavoidable at least give them a good role model. Try to be fair to all concerned and try to stay calm. Life may be crap at the moment but eventually if your are true to yourself you can rebuild your life. Try not to do something that really isn't you.

 

Take care and good luck.

[Lying eyes]

I was feeling a little better today until I went grocery shopping and then to the store to pick up some toys for the kids. It just hit me as I passed the game isle that we will never be a family again. No more sitting around the dinner table laughing, playing games. It's just my sister, me and my boys.

 

I stopped off at the drug store on the way home to take my blood pressure, it was 150/95 and I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks, and I was skinny before, I've got no more fat to lose, just muscle mass. I'm so depressed I actually think I need medication, but I'm afraid it could be used against me if we have a custody fight. Anyone know about whether or not anti-depressants can be used against you? I don't have family to support me like she does, so unfortunately drugs may have to do.

[freedom2007]

Sorry you are going thru this, I feel your pain.

Reminds me of my divorce. Xwife, (11yr marriage) left to live with her sister, came back for a month (I am fairly sure it was to try to force me out of the home) then left again after a month.

All the time her mantra was there was no one else. All she wanted was to live on her own and “find” herself, blah,blah,blah. Poor girl she was sooo torn up. She just wanted to stabilize her life, rebuild herself, find a career and care for our kids.

 

Ohh the anger, when I even insinuated that she was cheating.

 

So I bought her bull, gave her most of the stuff, 2 years of awesome alimony, good CS and even a little extra for her nursing school.

 

We divorced on the 15th, on the 1st of the next month her boyfriend and his 2 kids moved in with her. For the first year and a half all they did was vacation and party on my money. Neither of them worked during that time. Dude, it was brutal.

 

I bring this up because my ex acted just the way yours is now. SHE IS NOT THE WOMAN YOU LOVED. That woman is gone. Who really knows why. But I would bet it’s hers flaws and not yours.

 

Prepare for battle. If you love your kids, draw the line at 50% custody. All other deals come after that.

 

Oh and by the way….. when I found out about the boyfriend. Her whole family (we all were supposedly close) already knew about it a long time ago. They supported her, cause she’s family, and me, well I am just that bastard ex husband.

 

Live and learn. Good Luck. Stay strong. 50% custody or NO DEALS!!!!

[lkjh]

Show the brother your proof. There is a reason she doen't want him to know. Also, tell him that she claims the guy is gay. Ask her questions like who she was going to hook him up with. Alot of cheating wives claim their OM is gay. Text book response.

[pelicanpreacher]

Sorry you are going thru this, I feel your pain.

Reminds me of my divorce. Xwife, (11yr marriage) left to live with her sister, came back for a month (I am fairly sure it was to try to force me out of the home) then left again after a month.

All the time her mantra was there was no one else. All she wanted was to live on her own and “find” herself, blah,blah,blah. Poor girl she was sooo torn up. She just wanted to stabilize her life, rebuild herself, find a career and care for our kids.

 

Ohh the anger, when I even insinuated that she was cheating.

 

So I bought her bull, gave her most of the stuff, 2 years of awesome alimony, good CS and even a little extra for her nursing school.

 

We divorced on the 15th, on the 1st of the next month her boyfriend and his 2 kids moved in with her. For the first year and a half all they did was vacation and party on my money. Neither of them worked during that time. Dude, it was brutal.

 

I bring this up because my ex acted just the way yours is now. SHE IS NOT THE WOMAN YOU LOVED. That woman is gone. Who really knows why. But I would bet it’s hers flaws and not yours.

 

Prepare for battle. If you love your kids, draw the line at 50% custody. All other deals come after that.

 

Oh and by the way….. when I found out about the boyfriend. Her whole family (we all were supposedly close) already knew about it a long time ago. They supported her, cause she’s family, and me, well I am just that bastard ex husband.

 

Live and learn. Good Luck. Stay strong. 50% custody or NO DEALS!!!!

 

LE, this is the exact post you must hone in on for it is the clearest description of your future should you buckle to your raw and tender emotions in any effort to be fair with her. She may have once been your wife but that woman is long gone only to be replaced with a ruthless, cunning, deceiving, backstabbing creature aptly fit for life in the gutter. She has gone completely snake now so no matter how nice, giving, or carefully you treat her if you come too close or get too comfortable in her presence, eventually, she's going to strike for it is the nature of the beast!

[Lying eyes]

Oh you guys. How can people become so jaded. I want to believe she is still the woman I married. When we speak, I want to believe what she says. How can a person lie so easily? I feel like I'm out of touch with reality because I believe in things like honesty and fidelity. Loving one person for the rest of your life. I'm not religeous, but I took my wedding vows seriously. I know I wasn't perfect. I wish I could have been. But I wanted to change into a better husband.

 

Tonight, my sister took me out with her girlfriends. I was almost too depressed to go, but I'm glad I did. We had a nice meal and some good wine. One of her friends is also going through a divorce, but she's younger and has no kids. We shared our experiences. She recommended to play hard to get. If there ever came a time that my wife wanted me back, I might think twice about it. She said my wife will never find another man like me. She told her husband it was over and after a month she started yearning for him again. But now he's having second thoughts and it makes her want him even more. I'm not counting on that to happen, but if it did, she'd have to do some serious asking for forgiveness.

 

Not looking forward to waking up again tomorrow. Every morning I have an initial feeling that this was all a dream and we're back together. And then the utter despair sets in. When will it stop???

 

Yesterday I woke up from a nap with a huge anxiety attack. I ran through the house looking, calling for my boys. I was really freaking out thinking someone had taken them. Then I suddenly realized they were with my wife. I was shocked at how out of touch with reality I felt. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.

[wuggle]

The reason people become some jaded is usually pain. What you going through is crap, and when I said earlier that you need to try to be fair to yourself and her that also includes managing your anger and pain and hopefully not end up quite as jaded.

 

She has betrayed you and is not being nice, if you allow your anger to reflect back, she will get worse, so will you and you will spiral into a pit of nastiness. I'm sure she hasn't turned into a complete selfish bitch overnight, there will still be some of the nice person you married left, albeit confused and covered in lies. But this does not mean that you owe her everything, she is being a bitch and may try to take you for a ride.

 

Try to be fair, for all concerned this will be the best policy. If you are splitting your assets make sure she gets whats reasonable but no more. If she needs help with the children, help her, if she wants more tell her to sod off.

 

Please remember the pain your going through is normal, as are the other symptoms, panic attacks, loss of weight etc. life will be crap for a while yet but it will get better eventually. Concentrate on you, try to eat and exercise (sounds silly but exercise, walking etc really will help, gives you time to think or not, an appetite and just makes things seem more positive).

 

basically try to be the sort of person you will be happy to look back on in a few years and be proud of, even if others aren't.

 

Again , take care and good luck.