After 15 years, she cheated and took our kids

[Gowithflow]

Anyone know about whether or not anti-depressants can be used against you? I don't have family to support me like she does, so unfortunately drugs may have to do.

 

I don't know if the courts will take anti depressants into consideration or not. If they did I would be suprized.

 

I suffer from anxiety at times. I went to my doc and was given lorazapam. These are not anti depressant. Instead, they are anti anxiety, and they are only taken "as needed". They work great. I used to take one per day, but I'm 3 months into finding out the wife was cheating, plus the collapse of my marriage and doing much better now, (as opposed to how I felt for the first couple months), so I only take one about every 3-4 days.

 

Hang in there. Watch the anger and be careful who you drag into your matters. Counseling is a good idea. If the wife won't go along then you should go alone.

 

Bottom line is you have a lot to deal with all of the sudden. "It was good.....Then it wasn't good". The wife sounds like she now only cares about herself. You are far down the list. The kids will need you to be the "rock". The question is who will be your rock? It's nice that you are close with your sister. Keep going out with her and her friends

[Lying eyes]

We just met with a counselor. The agenda of the meeting was to make sure I knew that the marriage is over. I told her yes, I understood. I ackowledged mistakes I made. I also asked her to apologize for lying to me about seeing her man friend. She grudginly did, at the prodding of the therapist. She accepted that it was an innapropriate relationship to hide from me even though they were just friends. A point I still do not believe.

I said I wanted to move forward, but it would take some time for my feelings to catch up to hers, that is to stop being in love. I told her I didn't have the capacity to encapsulate the two years that she went through into two weeks, which is why I need a separation before divorce. So we went through a gambit of emotions in 2 hours with the therapist. She yelled, cried, and laughed. I did a little crying myself, but was mostly composed. She could tell that I was going through a serious change and regretted that it occurred to late to save our marriage.

 

Then I asked her to coffee, and we chatted for 45 minutes. We talked about our separate futures, past, regrets, raising our boys. We'd both like to be close friends, after all we were friends before lovers.

 

One thing that totally surprised me was when she said if I get over my love for her, we could be friends with benefits. It would be purely a sharing of physical desire, with no emotional attachment. To hear her say this, stoked a fire of hope (that is to say I got really turned on) that there is still a chance of perhaps not reconciliation, but some kind of quasi intamacy. I'm not bragging, but we do very well together in that area. You should understand, I'm more like a woman in that I equate love with sex, while she is more like a man where she can separate love from sex. Maybe that's all this is about. She's also very sexually open, where I'm more traditional. She wanted to have a threesome with another woman, and I was uncertain, ironically, for fear that it would jeapordize our relationship.

 

Then she called me a few times and texted me she loves me always. Is she just toying with my emotions to get me to agree to a settlement, or does she really mean it? She still full steam ahead with the separation. She said it would be nice to go out for a drink sometime. Dare I say, is she starting to second guess herself? I'm just going to continue working on myself, try to be the best person I can be and we'll see what happens. I feel better today than I have since she left. I hope it's not due to false hope. I hope I still feel good in the morning, it would be a first.

[burning 4 revenge]

Women are by their very nature essentially cold and youth obsessed

 

What can you do but accept it. Your fifteen years of history means nothing to her as she is multi-orgasmic and you are not

 

Just accept life as it is

[lkjh]

Just remember that after she text you she probably text the OM. Don't let her manipulate you now. She is playing nice so she can get what she wants in the divorce. If there has ever been a time in your life to man up now is it

[pelicanpreacher]

Your situation screams the catch phrase for the Amityville Horror ... "GET OUT"! You might want to read up on the life and times of another poster called Grogster to understand my perspective!

[Lying eyes]

Update - just wanted your feedback on the appropriateness of contacting the other man's girlfriend. I sent her a friend invite on myspace, and explained as best I could in 160 characters. She doesn't know me from that man in the moon, so I'm not even sure she'll take me seriously, but she should. I have information that could change the man she wants to marry. If I were getting married or dating stead, I would have wanted someone to tell me. Would have saved my 15 years of my life, except for the kids, I wouldn't trade them for anything. Or she'll just think I'm a psycho douch bag.

 

On the brother - I didn't want to jeapordize our relationship by bad-mouthing his sister, he asked me not to talk to him about it, but we're still friends, er brothers. I might tell the other brother when I see him because it was his friend after all. I also plan on telling the parents, though I don't expect they'll believe me, she's an excellent manipulator.

 

One more thing - she went out with a bunch of her girlfriends shortly after she left. She had a black eye, supposedly from walking into a door at the hotel. She never told them how she got it. Naturally they assumed it was me. I can just see them asking what happened, her lowering her eyes and not saying anything, other than that we're getting divorced. I was livid when I found out through another friend. I can't believe she would allow her/our friends to think I am a wife beater. Then she gets angry with me because I call her on it. I haven't hit another human being since I was in 5th grade. Everyone knows my nature, and yet they still thought this, because she is sooo good. I demanded she call people and tell them, and she says she has, I've yet to verify this. She did tell her parents and brothers she walked into a door. But she also told them she left because I was a verbal abuser. Thinking about this stuff makes me glad she left.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's awesome that she got that black eye! not to laugh at other's misery but hey she cheated and stole your kids from you. I'm laughing because this is karma smacking her back, did she think she could do all these bad things and not have anything bad happen to her? WTF?

 

And I dont really care if anyone cries and whines about women abuse she made this bed she can die in it for all I care. I know she's still the mother of his kids but she basically wanted this guy so badly and this is what she got. So think about that.

[pelicanpreacher]

I can't tell you how much I felt your pain, my friend. Our stories are eerily similar. I was married 15 years to my best friend, father of three little ones. My wife started acting out of character (drinking too much, hanging out late with wild friends, etc.) about a year ago, then she took a job after being a stay at home housewife. Her first biz trip, she hooked up with a guy. I never saw it coming. Yes, there were signs, but she was not the cheating type, or so I thought. I got the news on 12/1, it's been eight weeks and let me tell you what I've learned. Most people here are going to advise one of two options: stay or go. And while that really is the reality, it's the manner in which you choose either that's the key. Upon hearing the news, I chose, almost immediately and to my surprise, to forgive and love her through it. I now recognize this as a self-defense mechanism to keep the family intact, and to not lose my identity. But as things evolved I stuck with it, I chose to be compassionate. To understand instead of be understood. It was so hard, and I wrestle with it everyday, but it has made all the difference. Whether you decide to stay or go, you must realize the feelings you are experiencing have less to do with how you feel about your wife and more to do with how you feel about you. Your old identity has been destroyed-husband, father, etc. Your ego wants to hold onto it. Let it go. It's rare that life offers you a second act. If you choose to love your wife through this, you will gain a sense of control back that she took from you. The lower emotions-hate, jealousy, resentment, suspicion--are reactionary emotions that almost everyone chooses because they are the easiest. They don't require any thought or discipline. But to forgive requires strength. This does not mean you have to forget, but should you choose to love her through it--and even the guy she was with, forgive them both as hard it sounds---you will be amazed at the transformation you will witness in her behavior and yours. If your intent is to win her back, do you expect she will find you more attractive if you're plowing through her phone records or interrogating her? Of course not. But watch what happens when you say, and mean it, that you forgive her and love her. Tell her you are grateful to her for giving you this gift of new perspective, a second chance at life. You may not have wanted one, and it can be scary, but realize this. Your problems aren't with her now, they are between you and, for lack of a better term, God. I'm not a bible thumper, but this is really it. If you are happy or unhappy as a result of someone else's behavior, it is a conditional love that you will always be vulnerable to. But, if you can learn to love unconditionally and be loved without neediness or attachment, you will find a sense of power you will never know existed. I moved out a month ago and it's been the hardest thing I ever did, but I now am reaping the fruits of my change of perspective. My wife and I are better friends than we've been in a long time. She's been with other men since this event, and I still love her. I wrestle with whether to take her back everyday, but the beauty is, it is now my choice. She is more in love with me than she ever was. She can't believe the transformation, and it has made me more attractive to her. But now I'm looking out at the world with fresh eyes and I'm not sure I want her back. I have a date tonight. It's not where I thought I'd be, but I'm chose not to let the cancer grow inside me. Love conquers all, especially when you learn to love yourself. You'll be fine, man. Just let go and watch what happens. She had a mid-life crisis. She caught the eye of a younger man. How flattered she must have been. But she will realize it was just an ego stroke, nothing more, and she will regret the loss of you. You did nothing wrong. Don't go back expecting her to change. It's you who needs to do the heavy lifting. She has been acting unconsciously and when she wakes up, it will, sadly, be a nightmare she'll never be able to wake up from, unless you, the only one who has the power, forgive her and tell her she's perfect and human. She won't believe it unless you believe it, but when you practice forgiveness, miracles happen. "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds upon the heel that has crushed it." Try it, and set yourself free. Good luck.

 

Note, however, that the fragrant forgiveness of the violet does nothing for the heel as it hasn't a nose to appreciate it! Forgiveness has only meaning for the forgiver for it does not restore the forgiven. The forgiven must still make the sole and arduous journey of atonement to reach a state of absolvement unto themselves before they can achieve freedom from the angst of their own misdeeds!

 

Goodman's story would be perfect except that Goodman never dared to test the dark waters of her true nature by holding the hard line of establishing boundaries or forcing consequences for what most would consider truly abusive behavior exhibited by his spouse. If he had then he could truly say that her espousements of love and admiration for the changes in him carried the validity to which he has assigned his perceptions regarding the newly emerging feelings she now professes for him.

 

Consider the gold miner for he must know the difference between fools gold and all permutations of actual gold to recognize the pure ore he seeks to achieve. Were he to lose himself in mirth upon discovery of a "golden vein" without understanding the differences aforehereto mentioned he is more apt to encounter dissappointment than he is satisfaction!

[Lying eyes]

We agreed to tell our children tomorrow, well at least the oldest one who is five. We're basically going to tell him mommy and daddy won't be living in the same house anymore, but we're still your parents and love you very much. We'll try to explain to him that he will have two homes. Our child psychologist suggested the best thing for the children is to live in the same home, where her and I trade moving in and out. Stability is what they need and two parents. The only thing is I'm not sure if we're willing to do that, too much hurt and mistrust.

 

Any other advice on how to split custody would be appreciated. We're both on board with 50/50, but she's going to school 30 miles away and might live on campus. Our oldest will be starting Kindergarten in the fall.

[Peter_pan]

read my way through this. woah!

 

one thing i would say is dont fall for anything she says. i think she is trying to be nice with you to get you where she wants you, and where is that? thats right on the floor next to the door mat.

 

id do everything i could to bring this to justice. tell the brother. get it all out. cause once this has gone by i.e year gone by, it all wont be relevant. so say and do what you gotta do.

 

heart goes out to you man. really does.

 

im scared of women now lol

[n9688m]

Don't destroy yourself with all the usual BS people do to each other. Take the less traveled path and it will make all the difference.

 

If he does what you say he will lose his kids plus his financial ability to start a new life with someone else.

 

He needs to start protecting his own interests and those of his kids.

[mark982]

how can she go for 50/50 custody, when she's thinking of living on campus? something for you and the lawyer to discuss.

[Mr. Lucky]

Our child psychologist suggested the best thing for the children is to live in the same home, where her and I trade moving in and out. Stability is what they need and two parents. The only thing is I'm not sure if we're willing to do that, too much hurt and mistrust.

IMHO, it's completely impractical to share a house. I think you're better off having one of you move out, establish your own space and then develop a schedule and structure with your kids. As long as you stick to the plan - your days with them at your place and her days at hers, your kids will adapt and adjust quickly. My son was the same age as your oldest when I got divorced and I've said many times that I had more quality time with him post marriage than I had during the relationship. Don't let fear hold you back...

 

Mr. Lucky

[n9688m]

Our child psychologist suggested the best thing for the children is to live in the same home, where her and I trade moving in and out. Stability is what they need and two parents. The only thing is I'm not sure if we're willing to do that, too much hurt and mistrust.

 

That is impractical, expensive (you would need 3 total homes between the two of you), and probably just a ploy for her to eventually get both full custody and possession of the marital home.

[n9688m]

One thing that totally surprised me was when she said if I get over my love for her, we could be friends with benefits.

 

If she did have an affair that could be a shrewd legal move on her part.

 

Some states consider adultery when awarding alimony.

 

If you have sex with her after discovering her probable affair, then you will legally be considered to have forgiven her adultery. Thus the adultery is no longer a strike against her for alimony purposes.

 

Again it depends what state you live in. But if she plans to go to school then she could be demanding considerable alimony.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I wouldnt have sex with her unless she got a STD test. Right now she cant be trusted her words mean nothing. And why would you want OM's sloppy seconds anyways? Let her catch more black eyes off of her stupidity because that's what she wanted.