I'm insecure, don't want to screw things up

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I'm insecure. It' s true. No one would think that if they met me, but I am REALLY INSECURE.

 

So, I've been dating this guy who seems to really like me. For Christ's sake, he flew me across the country and put me up in a 5 star resort for 5 days. Everyone keeps reminding me of this. But I can't help it- when I'm with him, it seems so great. He really seems to like me, blah blah. But the minute he leaves, I think, well I will probably never see him again. Once he is out of my eyesight I think he's gone.

 

I'm not sure how much of this is my own insecurity and how much is reality.

 

For example. Last night I was watching my friends kids for a few hours. Most guys would not want to have any part of that. This guy wants to come hang out. Play with the kids, watch movies, whatever. Great. We drink wine, kids are in bed, we hang out. Then my friend comes home and we go back to my place.

 

Problem is, the last couple of times we hung out have been my idea. Granted, he takes a $20 cab to get to my neighborhood and does so willingly. Still, why am I the one to suggest plans?

 

As he is leaving today he asks me what I'm doing tonight. I said, I don't now, maybe hanging out with friends. Stupidly, I ask him if he wants to come out. He says, yeah, I might like that. So tonight I get a text. I'm tired, I don't want to go out. Fine. But he doesn't ask me out for the next time. I'm going on vacation Friday and i worry that he won't try to ask me out before I leave. The last thing I want is to leave for vacation with rejection hanging over my head!

 

So my plan is to not text or call. If he really wants to see me before he leaves, he can try and find me. I guess I'm just kind of frustrated because we've been dating for 2 months, have already been on a trip together, and yet every time I see him I think it might be the last time.

 

I really really want this to work out. I like this guy and I'm sooooooo tired of dating. How do I deal with this insecurity? He was here today and there was something that I needed him to help me with my house. I said, maybe we can do that next time? He said, why not now? I thought to myself, he must be saying that because there won't be a next time! Then when he decided not to come out tonight, I was like, yep! That confirms it!

 

I am so afraid this won't work out. I really like him, and he is really good for me. It is so RARE to find someone in this city who actually wants a relationship. He is cute, really cool, and so good to me. I don't want to *****it up.

 

So how do you deal with insecurity???

[Island Girl]

I am so afraid this won't work out. I really like him, and he is really good for me. It is so RARE to find someone in this city who actually wants a relationship. He is cute, really cool, and so good to me. I don't want to *****it up.

 

Don't you think it is rare for the guy to find someone as well?

 

You really need to relax and enjoy what you do have while you have it. Let it progress as it's going to.

Do what you feel when you feel like doing it.

 

Every time you have these thoughts just flip them around. Remember girls that are beautiful, fun, and intelligent are hard to find too.

Start thinking of yourself as the rare commodity.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thank you, Island Girl.

 

He has been in this country for several years now and he told me that I am the first person he has really connected with on a deep level since he has been here, man or woman. We knew each other professionally before dating. (He is a citizen so I know he is not just looking for a green card!)

 

I guess it is hard because I always feel so expendable, like I am easily replaceable. Yet my friends would never say that. And the truth is that I'm a pretty unique person. But somehow with men I always feel like I have to really prove my worth or something. I'm trying hard to overcome that.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

And yes, what you say is true. Sometimes hearing it from someone else helps to reinforce that

[norajane]

Since you KNOW you're insecure, you've won half the battle. Next is to change your patterns of behavior.

 

When you feel insecure, like you do now, instead of worrying about whether he'll contact you before vacation, consciously replace that with a positive thought. "oh, I'm sure we'll get together before I leave for vacation - he'd miss me too much otherwise!"

 

It's clear he thinks you're special, but he seems like he's not much of a planner. That probably won't change about him, so get used to it and don't take it personally.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Tis true, tis true, Norajane. Attitude is half the battle. Sometimes I just really need to reorient my thinking.

[Dumbledore]

So, I've been dating this guy who seems to really like me. For Christ's sake, he flew me across the country

I really think the religious types are always the hottest. There's something incredibly sexy about a dude who is in sync with the ethereal fabric of the universe.

 

Tell him that you're praying for your spiritual union. He'll melt and be yours forever.

[norajane]

You can also start 'training' him to know how to meet your needs...positive reinforcement.

 

Whenever he does have enough sense to do the asking, say stuff like, "Yes, absolutely! I've been wanting to see you," or "A movie, what a great idea! If you get here an hour earlier, we might have time to squeeze in a little nookie before the movie." When he calls, "I'm so happy to hear from you - I was thinking naughty thoughts about you all week!" or "I'm so glad you called - it's been so long since I've heard your sexy voice"

[marlena]

Cherry,

 

I understand why he is making you feel this way and it is not a nice feeling, I know, I've been there. Haven't we all, really?

 

You are insecure because he is not making you feel secure. It's that simple. When the right guy comes along, he will not make you feel like this. He will not bring out your insecurity but do everything in his power to allay your fears. Two months without him taking any initiative is a bit of a red flag I'd say. His not making arrangements for the next time you will be together is also something to make you stop and wonder. If I were you, I would enjoy my time with him but still somewhat keep my guard up.

 

You could voice your concerns but I am not quite sure if that is such a good idea just yet. It might make him feel threatened and cause him to flee if he thinks you are getting too serious too soon. If this does go on, however, you will have to confront the issue eventually. 'Til then, just bide your time and see what unfolds.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

He does make the initiatve, just not always. Two weeks ago he took me out to dinner on Tuesday and he asked me to go to this art exhibit Sunday.

 

Last week I asked him to go to a friend's party, and while we were there she asked me to watch her kids Friday. He was standing right there so she invited him. He decided to come. So I saw him Friday night.

 

I was bummed that he didn't want to come over last night because earlier he mentioned he might want to. He didn't ask me to do anything today, even though it is supposed to be unseasonably warm. He didn't make any plans before my trip next Friday. You're right, he IS making me feel insecure. He has also made me feel the opposite way, so I know the difference with this guy, and I don't like it.

 

This is the most involved I've been with someone in quite a while, so I get really upset thinking it might not work out. I'm not getting any younger, and it is darned hard to meet guys around here who want relationships. I will definitely be come on to LS and do some virtual crying this week if he doesn't make plans to see me before my trip.

 

I'm going to make myself really busy with friends and activities before I go and use Norajane's suggestions if he calls. Those are some really good ones for turning the tables!

 

Thanks all, and feel free to keep posting

[norajane]

every time I see him I think it might be the last time.

 

Why? This is not a thought that people usually have after enjoying a great evening together.

 

I really really want this to work out. I like this guy and I'm sooooooo tired of dating.

 

It's only been two months of dating and you want the future signed, sealed and delivered. I understand feeling good about the relationship so you want to keep seeing him, and I understand being tired of dating, but you're a little too committed to him after only 2 months, don't you think? You've already decided you want him long term, yet you should still be in the learning/assessment phase where you find out more and more about him, see him in different situations and understand what kind of person he is deep down, and evaluate whether you and he are compatible or not.

 

How do I deal with this insecurity? He was here today and there was something that I needed him to help me with my house. I said, maybe we can do that next time? He said, why not now? I thought to myself, he must be saying that because there won't be a next time! Then when he decided not to come out tonight, I was like, yep! That confirms it!

 

Instead of thinking he means there won't be a next time, you could see it as "fantastic! he's not a procrastinator, he's happy to help me, and he's handy around the house!"

 

Instead of thinking his not coming out last night was a confirmation he never wants to see you again, why is it so hard to take it at face value that he was tired?

 

AND then take it to the next level, and use this information about him: So, he's the kind of guy that will break a date because he's tired. So, he's the kind of guy that doesn't initiate plans often. So, he's the kind of guy who is quick to help me with the house and doesn't put things off. So, he's the kind of guy who...

 

At some point, you'll have a good feel for the kind of guy he is and you'll be able to really know whether he's good for you and whether you bring out the best in each other. It's a little too soon right now to be pinning your every hope and dream for love on this guy. And it's not really fair to him, either, that you've set him up to fulfill your years of pent-up expectation and hope at this stage of your relationship.

 

That's what's making you feel so insecure. You've already invested everything in this relationship before really evaluating whether the risk associated with that investment is one you can tolerate and whether his books are sound enough for you. And you're so focused on whether he wants you or not for long term, that you aren't taking the time to truly see him for who he is as a whole and whether you really want him as-is.

[Trialbyfire]

Whoah, some good advice in this thread, Cherry. Look at both his positives and his negatives. If you solely focus on his negatives, you're going to self-sabotage this relationship.

 

I do agree with marlena in that a guy who's all in, will have different actions than a guy who's not.

 

Where I differ in some of the advice, is, instead of testing him, why not gently discuss your issues? If you want him to initiate more, let him know. No one can live up to a standard they're unaware of. He might just think that you prefer to initiate or isn't the more assertive type.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

TBF, I would like to talk to him about stuff like taking the initiative, but I'm uncomfortable doing so. That is telling in itself. What it's telling me, I'm still trying to figure out. Is it just because we have only been dating for two months, or is it something deeper? I guess that is something that I could use in my assessment of out compatibility.

 

Norajane, not to get all psychobabble on you here but I have abandonment issues. I grew up with a critical, withholding, very self centered mother who took years to accept that I was a separate person and I was good enough on my own even though i wasn't like her (thank God!). I have resolved some of those issues with her, at least in my own head, because I don't know how much time I will have with her and i want to be able to love and accept her. But they affect me when it comes to relationships.

 

I agree that this really should be the time to assess who he is and if we are compatible. It's funny because at first he was really pushing things and I was so not ready. One time recently we saw a shooting star. I said, make a wish! And do you know what he said? I wish you would love me! I decided I liked him and yes, I started pinning my hopes and dreams on him.

 

I feel as if I do want to have it signed, sealed, and delivered like Norajane said because I fear that this will be the last one. It is so hard to meet a quality guy around here who actually wants a relationship, yet I can't move. I own a condo, my job pays more here than in other places (and is in more demand), and i have a strong network of friends. It's something I struggle with a lot, because I want a partner in life and I wonder if I'm cheating myself out of that because I live in the land of the eternally single. Then again, if I did meet Mr. Great-for-me in DC, then I would have it all

 

So I guess right now he is either

 

a. Going to break up with me

 

b. Going to take a break from me

 

c. Going to call as if nothing happened

 

Only time will tell.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I'm in pain because it feels so wonderful to have someone's care, concern, and interest, and then they pull it away. I guess that's obvious, but I needed to say it.

[Trialbyfire]

CB, you remind me of an emotionally unavailable guy I had something going with. I had no idea what his boundaries were because they kept moving. He would never talk to me about issues and if we did talk, we spoke different languages because he couldn't be honest for the life of him. When I revealed vulnerabilities to him, he would either use it against me or disregard it. It felt like no matter what I did, it was a losing proposition, in that he would sabotage it. Needless to say, that crashed and burned about 10+ months ago.

 

Plse, plse, don't turn into this guy. Start communicating and resolving. Don't try to address everything on your own. What happens is when people internalize everything, 9/10 times they're not connected with reality, in that they misinterpret where the other person is coming from. To add to this guy's issues, even if I communicated truth to him about how I felt, he never believed it, preferring to believe his own version of reality.

[Dumbledore]

TBF, I would like to talk to him about stuff like taking the initiative, but I'm uncomfortable doing so. That is telling in itself.

Exactly. You can't show a man how to be a man - it's just not possible. These things can't be learned.

 

And you're not in any danger of turning into a guy, whomever said that.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I had no idea what his boundaries were because they kept moving. He would never talk to me about issues and if we did talk, we spoke different languages because he couldn't be honest for the life of him.

 

 

This really stuck out for me. I feel like my boundaries are constantly shifting, too. Sometimes I feel like quicksand inside, like I don't have a solid core.

 

I am a very honest person in my daily life and with friends, but with men, I sometimes (well, most times) I find it incredibly difficult to reveal my true feelings. It's very frightening to me. I get all panicky inside. Still, I try, I really do, because I want to overcome this stuff and I want to be able to really be myself with the right person. I guess you could say I'm a work in progress

 

So I'm at home doing laundry and cleaning and trying to calm my very upset stomach. My stomach has been reeling all morning because of my fears. I had a good chat with a very close friend today and I felt a lot better, but I just get so nervous when it comes to confrontation, and since I fear he wants to take a break or break up, this is driving me crazy.

 

Anyway, I just got an email from him with a beautiful picture from our trip. The email was really mundane. He basically said he was cleaning and getting ready for an interview tomorrow, and he wanted to know if I got my stuff done that I was working on. So, basically like nothing has happened.

 

I think the bottom line is that I do need to use this time as an assessment time and to calm my fears about never finding someone if this doesn't work out. I also REALLY need to work on being able to speak my mind.

 

Thanks Marlena, TBF, Norajane, Island Girl, even you, Dumbledore.

 

Any additional insight is welcome. You guys have given some really good advice!

[Dumbledore]

You guys have given some really good advice!

Wrong. It's all a bunch of meaningless drivel. You're only feeling uncertain because he has balls like prunes. If you want practical advice, then you won't find it on this thread. This guy is just stringing you along until he finds something better. Sorry.

[Trialbyfire]

Wrong. It's all a bunch of meaningless drivel. You're only feeling uncertain because he has balls like prunes. If you want practical advice, then you won't find it on this thread. This guy is just stringing you along until he finds something better. Sorry.

Holy bejeezus, talk about not having a clue about life and unnecessary, untrue cruelty!

 

For a gay man, how in the world could you possibly know how hetero men think or for that matter, hetero women?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I must disagree with you, D, on both counts.

[Dumbledore]

I must disagree with you, D, on both counts.

I'm not interested in whether you agree with me or not. I'm only interested in why you're feeling this way, but have resolved to struggle on and ignore your gut feelings.

 

The advice on this thread is so far off-base, it's comical.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Holy bejeezus, talk about not having a clue about life and unnecessary, untrue cruelty!

 

For a gay man, how in the world could you possibly know how hetero men think or for that matter, hetero women?

 

Here, here! Seriously!

[norajane]

Anyway, I just got an email from him with a beautiful picture from our trip. The email was really mundane. He basically said he was cleaning and getting ready for an interview tomorrow, and he wanted to know if I got my stuff done that I was working on. So, basically like nothing has happened.

 

Because nothing DID happen!

 

He canceled a date because he was tired. You turned that into him wanting to take a break or break up.

 

He's spending the day doing what you're doing, cleaning, and thinking of you, asking how you are, and sending you a lovely picture from your trip. It is your fears that are blowing this up out of all proportion and imagining he's ready to dump you.

 

He has an interview tomorrow - is he unemployed? Is he stressed out about that?

[Dumbledore]

Here, here!

Hear, hear! Seriously.

[Dumbledore]

Because nothing DID happen!

 

He canceled a date because he was tired. You turned that into him wanting to take a break or break up.

 

He's spending the day doing what you're doing, cleaning, and thinking of you, asking how you are, and sending you a lovely picture from your trip. It is your fears that are blowing this up out of all proportion and imagining he's ready to dump you.

 

He has an interview tomorrow - is he unemployed? Is he stressed out about that?

All excellent points! OP, please note this superb advice. Now we're getting somewhere.