I'm insecure, don't want to screw things up

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Because nothing DID happen!

 

He canceled a date because he was tired. You turned that into him wanting to take a break or break up.

 

He's spending the day doing what you're doing, cleaning, and thinking of you, asking how you are, and sending you a lovely picture from your trip. It is your fears that are blowing this up out of all proportion and imagining he's ready to dump you.

 

He has an interview tomorrow - is he unemployed? Is he stressed out about that?

 

He has a job, and he's very good at what he does, but he doesn't like where he works because he is not challenged enough. So he's seeing what's out there. Luckily both of our jobs are still in demand in this rough economy.

[Stockalone]

Anyway, I just got an email from him with a beautiful picture from our trip. The email was really mundane. He basically said he was cleaning and getting ready for an interview tomorrow, and he wanted to know if I got my stuff done that I was working on. So, basically like nothing has happened.

 

I totally understand having fears and expecting the worst. That is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a very foolish thing to do. You know you can be insecure, so try to keep that in mind when you worry about "normal" things. That usually helps to keep the anxiety at a managable level.

 

I am with norajane on this. He sent you a beautiful picture, he asked about your day, which shows he thinks about you. Even if it's just a short, mundane e-mail, that can show that someone cares about you just as well as something a little more special could have. The thought should count, how he expresses that thought should not be that important.

 

Maybe he did put a lot of effort into choosing that picture. He could have looked at all the pictures he took on your vacation and had a reason for picking that particular picture. And even if he just thought it would be nice to send you a picture, that would still be a good thing. I am sure the purpose for sending you that picture was to make you smile, or to bring back a nice memory of that day. Maybe it is more than just a picture.

 

 

Because your name is Cherry Blossom, I will share a little anecdote. A friend of mine likes open fires in a fire place, and she likes cherry blossoms. So, as a gift for her birthday, I took a picture of cherry blossoms in front of an open fire. That isn't really something special.

 

But what the picture doesn't reveal is the work and thought that went into it. For instance, there are no cherry blossoms here in January, it's too early for that. So I went outside, cut off a few branches and put them in a vase. I sprayed them with water so the buds wouldn't dry out. I changed the water every couple of days, I made sure the temperatures where right so they would start to blossom.

 

Then after a few weeks when they finally did blossom, I took nearly 20 pictures in front of the open fire just to get one nice picture that I could send her.

[Island Girl]

But what the picture doesn't reveal is the work and thought that went into it. For instance, there are no cherry blossoms here in January, it's too early for that. So I went outside, cut off a few branches and put them in a vase. I sprayed them with water so the buds wouldn't dry out. I changed the water every couple of days, I made sure the temperatures where right so they would start to blossom.

 

Then after a few weeks when they finally did blossom, I took nearly 20 pictures in front of the open fire just to get one nice picture that I could send her.

 

Sorry OP off topic -

 

Stockalone you are SO F'N SWEET! Awwww!

[Dumbledore]

But what the picture doesn't reveal is the work and thought that went into it. For instance, there are no cherry blossoms here in January, it's too early for that. So I went outside, cut off a few branches and put them in a vase. I sprayed them with water so the buds wouldn't dry out. I changed the water every couple of days, I made sure the temperatures where right so they would start to blossom.

 

Then after a few weeks when they finally did blossom, I took nearly 20 pictures in front of the open fire just to get one nice picture that I could send her.

I agree!!!! :love: :love:

[marlena]

Cherry,

 

That was very sweet of him to send you the picture and share a part of his day with you. Stop jinxing this. Think positive and just wait and see what happens. Stop rushing things.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thanks, Stockalone, for your thoughtful response.

 

Wow, I bet that picture of the cherry blossoms and fire was really beautiful. I'm looking forward to the Cherry Blossom festival here in Washington in the spring. When the trees bloom, they create a beautiful pink canopy of flowers.

 

I think the picture is special. He actually created it out of several pictures. It's hard to explain, but it's gorgeous. He's very talented with stuff like that.

 

Yes, I know that I need to remind myself of how I can blow things out of proportion based on my own fears.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Yeah, Marlena, I need to just calm down already!

[OpenBook]

I agree with Marlena as well... but I also think it's important for you to show him that you're going to be OK regardless of what he does. He may be pulling away a little in order to "test" you. A guy's biggest fear is that his girl is going to turn into a devouring succubus. Hence, they "rubber-band" you. The key is for you to stay calm, cool and collected. And it's OK for you to be a little distant with him too!! You don't have to be an open book with him, especially in the beginning stages (which you are still in, IMO).

 

Just my humble opinion. You are still a Cool Chickaroni, whether he's in your life or not!! :bunny:

[marlena]

Yeah, Marlena, I need to just calm down already!

 

Yes, you do, Cherry. Don't create problems where there aren't any. Enjoy what you have and hope for the best. Don't let your insecurities get the best of you. I know, I know, easier said than done, but try to keep your fears in check. It's way too soon. Let's see where he takes this. Sometimes it's best to be patient and not force the issues.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

 

just my humble opinion. You are still a cool chickaroni, whether he's in your life or not!! :bunny:

 

:d:d:d:d:d:d

[Star Gazer]

I have to be honest with you, Cherry.

 

Your thread sounds remarkably similar in tone to mine of last year, when I was fully invested in a relationship with a truly good guy who at times made me feel like I was soooo special (that is, when we were actually physically together), and who the moment we physically parted made me feel like an insecure ninny. Not sure if you remember how that relationship ended, but it did end.

 

Yet, I survived...and found something so much better.

 

If this doesn't work out, you'll survive too...and I'm confident you'll find what you're looking for.

[Stockalone]

Sorry OP off topic -

 

Stockalone you are SO F'N SWEET! Awwww!

 

Thanks. If you liked that, you would have loved what I did leading up to Christmas.

 

But that isn't the point. The reason I mentioned that story, is that sometimes the mundane words that accompany a picture are not what is important.

 

Sometimes pictures actually do say more than a thousand words.

 

 

Thanks, Stockalone, for your thoughtful response.

 

You are welcome.

 

 

Wow, I bet that picture of the cherry blossoms and fire was really beautiful. I'm looking forward to the Cherry Blossom festival here in Washington in the spring. When the trees bloom, they create a beautiful pink canopy of flowers.

 

The ones I used were white. A google search did the trick. Washington was given some from Japan. I probably would have needed to raid the botanical garden for pink ones.

 

 

I think the picture is special. He actually created it out of several pictures. It's hard to explain, but it's gorgeous. He's very talented with stuff like that.

 

See, he did put effort into it. Take the picture for what it is, a sign that he cares about you.

 

 

Yes, I know that I need to remind myself of how I can blow things out of proportion based on my own fears.

 

Having certain fears or even insecurities isn't always a bad thing and can even be helpful in other areas of our lives.

 

But as you said, some of those fears don't even appear/exist outside of a relationship context.

 

They are what increases the chances that we draw the wrong conclusions because of that damned anxiety and the ensuing misunderstandings are what damages a relationship or rather prevents it from developing in the first place.

 

I have no idea how to stop those fears from rearing their ugly head, but TBF is right. Open and honest communication is the only thing that can help. Then again, it's difficult to find the right approach. If you are too open about your fears, you can scare people away. If you are too guarded, the fears are once again left raging.

[LovieDove24]

Holy crap Cherry Blossom...are we living in a parallel universe?!

 

Abandonment issues? Check.

Leaving for vacation with things unresolved? Check.

Him not initiating meetups? Check.

Not being able to enjoy the moment due to insecurities? Check.

 

I think you get the point here. I am living the exact same thing. And without reading all the other posts here (I only got through reading the first page before I had to write my own) let me tell you something from experience.

 

My story is that I was dating a guy for four months. I had the exact same problem about not letting him know my needs and not letting my guard down. I too wasnt sure if it was just the "newness" or if I just didn't want to put myself out there to get hurt. We were only able to see each other once a week because of our schedules and every time a few days would go by I'd think "Thats it, we're over." I don't know why, it must be the abandonment issues. Everyone in my life has always left me...most importantly my parents.

 

So where am I now? Well all my negative thinking has got me in quite a pickle. It has been over a week and he has not called when he said he would or made any apology attempts since then. I truly feel in my heart that "This is it, he really is never going to call me again." With a week and a half under my belt it is a real possiblity. And I leave for vacation tomorrow w/this crap over my head.

 

Everyone I posted to here on LS said "just calm down already" as they are telling you. But they don't know. Truly we have deeply entrenched "schemas" from our childhood that create trenches of patterns dictating the way we behave. Abandonment issues are real and until you address them w/your bf he will not be able to help you address them. And he NEEDS to in order for you to feel secure. Plain and simple.

 

If I could go back and do anything again I would tell him all of my crappy insecurities. Without doing so, I was really only half-assing it myself. How could I expect any different from him?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Openbook- those were supposed to be smileys in my last response, haha

 

:cool:

 

Star-well, if this doesn't work out, I will think of you and keep the faith!!

 

LovieDovie- I am glad someone understands my abandonment issues. I'm not the only one! It sounds like some crap you would talk about with your therapist, but they are very real. I'm so sorry your guy has not called in a week!! And right before you leave for vacation!! I hope you can somehow put it aside and enjoy yourself. I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday. She is a newer friend, so i don't know her whole history. Anyway, she is engaged, but she told me that when after about a year of dating he freaked out about committment and left for 3 months. Well I don't know what happened during those 3 months, but he came back and they moved to the US for her to go to school, so he's in it now.

 

Everyone- Yesterday he asked me to go to a "nice dinner" to send me off on my vacation and to celebrate Valentine's day. Wow, valentine's day?? The last time a guy took me out for dinner on Valentine's day was 1996!! No lie! I've had relationships since then, but somehow, they never fell on that day. There were a couple guys I was dating before then, but somehow, things fell off before V-day, surprise surprise.

[LovieDove24]

Hehe. Its been awhile since I had a Valentines Day NOT planted in front of the Tv with wine and chocolates too

 

Go enjoy yourself woman, you deserve it!

[norajane]

Everyone- Yesterday he asked me to go to a "nice dinner" to send me off on my vacation and to celebrate Valentine's day. Wow, valentine's day?? The last time a guy took me out for dinner on Valentine's day was 1996!! No lie! I've had relationships since then, but somehow, they never fell on that day. There were a couple guys I was dating before then, but somehow, things fell off before V-day, surprise surprise.

Sorry, but I can't help but say: I TOLD YOU SO!!!

 

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Sorry, but I can't help but say: I TOLD YOU SO!!!

 

 

In this case, I'm glad to hear I told you so!!!

[Trialbyfire]

Now that's wonderful news CB!

[Star Gazer]

In this case, I'm glad to hear I told you so!!!

 

And here's to my gut feeling about this being WRONG. DEAD WRONG!!!

 

[rod_in_gtown]

So, is there an update on this relationship? I really didn't read this thread until tonight and I can identify with SO many of the things you say about the town of the enternally single and insecurity. I am also conflicted with trying to keep it cool and not overwhelm with attention this woman I'm dating, even though I think she's the greatest thing since PB&J, so instead of contacting her on a daily basis I try to go one or 2 days without calling/texting/IMing/emailing. I hate putting limits on myself like that but I don't want to scare her away.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Don't you think it is rare for the guy to find someone as well?

 

You really need to relax and enjoy what you do have while you have it. Let it progress as it's going to.

Do what you feel when you feel like doing it.

 

Every time you have these thoughts just flip them around. Remember girls that are beautiful, fun, and intelligent are hard to find too.

Start thinking of yourself as the rare commodity.

 

Agree 100%!