luc Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 Hello all. Short version - Wawas with a 28 year old woman for 5 years I am 33 - we broke up she ended up with another guy for 2-3 months - she ended up getting pregnant had an abortion. We are now making it work between us. She is still involved with him as a friend and says he and she feel uncomfortable and are not ready to allow me to hang out. I do not want to be his freind but she will not allow me to even go out say to a bar if she is with her g/f's and he is there too. Also she is going to a wedding in a month with a lot of mutual freinds of theirs and she says she does not want me to go, it ia a weekend trip for all of them. She said if it was just a wedding in town it would be cool , but they are all taking a 10 hour bus ride (they rentred a bus) I am very uncomfortable with this situation any advice Also, it seems every time his name comes up it agitates me and I can not keep my mouth shut and we end up arguing, because she immediately gets very defensive. She also says she is tried of talking about it. how do I not talk about it. She says when she is ready it will happen!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 Something stinks real bad here because I can smell it all the way in Florida. There is no reason whatsoever that your lady should retain this guy as a friend. The fact that she's keeping the two of you apart is absolute evidence that there is something foul going on and I wouldn't stand for it. You can't tell her what to do or control her in any way. But you can tell her if she continues to see this man in any form at any venue, you are out the door...and mean it. Don't even try to convince her either way. That's her decision. But your life is going to be hell as long as she's leading a double life, being so secretive about her involvement with this "friend". Yeah, right. Be kind, be nice but be firm. Again, don't tell her what to do, tell her how YOU feel about this and that you will have to do something about it to protect your own feelings. If she chooses to remain friends with this buddy of hers, you will know exactly how she feels about you. Either way, mission will be accomplished. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 29, 2003 Author Share Posted September 29, 2003 Anyone else? Does anyone else think this is possbile that she is not doing anything? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 but no, I think it's very strange, to say the least. I don't think any of it sounds good, and this insistence that you can't hang out with them -- them, a unit! -- says to me that she is not being honest with you. Maybe right now she's not being honest with herself, and so is not deliberately lying to you. But I don't think this guy has any place in her life, friend or otherwise, if she's trying to make things work with you. I would break up with her if I were you. There is no good spin you can put on this that's even remotely plausible. She is terribly disrespectful of you. Whatever little melodrama she's got going on I can promise you want no part of it. Why don't you find a new girlfriend, and tell this one that, oops sorry you don't want her to hang out with you and your new squeeze? That would make a lot more sense than what she's doing right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 29, 2003 Author Share Posted September 29, 2003 Thanks I guess Guees that was not what i wanted to hear but of course the truth soem times hurts eh Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 "Guees that was not what i wanted to hear but of course the truth soem times hurts eh" So with yourself being made a fool of and manipulated to the hilt, tell us exactly what you wanted to hear. I would really be interested in that information. I don't know if what I told you is the truth, but it's my best take on the situation based on the information you provided. I wouldn't take that kind of treatment from anybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 29, 2003 Author Share Posted September 29, 2003 I wanted to hear that when she is ready she will open up. Basicly we broke up becasue I was a controlling ass, he was there for her when I was not, he listened he was nice etc etc. He made her feel wanted and there were not problems. I say there are never any problems in the beginning. They ended up getting pregnant and an abortion. That is something that was difficult with her and somethign they shared. He is still there for her " as a friend" she is there for him because she say he is going through a very difficult time in his life and that he is a great guy - and that there is no pressure - seh says theer is presuusre from me ( well of course becasue we are trying to make a relatrionship that went bad --- into a good one) . She says every time I talk about her relationship with him it I drives her away.. I say the reason she feels bad because knows it is wrong. I awlays say reverse the roles and she hates that I want to believe they are just friends - I don't want to hang around the guy what so ever, but if the oppurtunity is there, i feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 luc, I think you have to let go of hope for this girl. Didn't you almost get her fired already by calling too much? luc, seriously, you must stop focusing on this person and begin to accept that it is over between you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 29, 2003 Author Share Posted September 29, 2003 Yes I did She told even though I did those things she wants us to work and she wants to get work on my impulse problem. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted September 29, 2003 Share Posted September 29, 2003 If you were so bad for her, not there for her, etc. and he is so good to her and listens to her, then why is she back with you? Why didn't she just stay with him? What you've got now is her manipulating you, forcing you to go along with her seriously whacked priorities. Is this to be your punishment for being a bad boyfriend? People can resolve their differences and make things work after breaking up. But only if changes are made, and only if both parties are willing to let go of resentments & grudges, and start afresh. It's not happening for you that way. So it's not happening at all. How long are you going to tolerate this nonsense? Let her go. Learn your lessons and apply them to your next relationship. Sometimes that's the best we can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luc Posted September 29, 2003 Author Share Posted September 29, 2003 He was good to her when she needed and she told me she knows they could never be anything more than friends Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 This "guy in the background" stuff isn't going to work in the long run. One of you's gonna get screwed, and chances are it'll be you. I can't tell you what to do, but one thing I've learned is to treat marriage or serious relationships like hiring an employee at work. The first date's the interview. Then you have a second and third interview, and then you decide if you want to hire the person long term. In your case you obviously did. But you also have a probationary period and an evaluation period. Dude, if after three years this is as good as it gets, then quite frankly, I don't want to take bets on your marriage with her. Yes, marriage isn't always a picnic. But your controlling issues and impulses, and not to mention impulses of her own...a bad mix. I mean, after all, she did get pregnant - during the time that you've known each other. Sorry to be a cynic, but that's the way I feel about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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