Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 But it doesn't have anything to do with being an interesting woman or not. If you read the book, don't know about the movie, you would realize that it discusses situations which display male behaviour, that's just not acceptable. Many of the scenarios you've seen, whether seen it happening to a friend or yourself and watched it end. You've either seen or experienced the hurt your friend or yourself, go through. This is true, in the movie as well. And it shows the pain the WOMAN puts herself through by allowing the bad behavior to continue rather than just deciding it's unacceptable and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 See Nicki, the advice your therapist gave you is great and so was Taramere's. But the reason why these phrases are actually HELPFUL (as opposed to the book) is because it puts the focus on YOU and not on the man. The blunt phrase "He's just not that Into You" however--whether its intended to or not--keeps the focus on him and his need for an "interesting" woman. Its healthier to analyze whether or not HE is meeting your needs as your therapist said Niki. Thinking that way is healthy and it also doesn't come along with the nasty aftertaste of inadequacy. Nah nah nahhh, I completely disagree with this. It may be easier to say it was about him not meeting our needs but it can't ALWAYS be about us ladies. We have to accept that sometimes men are just not all that into us, just as we are quick to admit we are not into a lot of guys that are potentially into us. If we turn it around and make it out to be like "Well he wasn't meeting my needs therefore he is not good enough for me" then it would be YOU pulling the disappearing act on him and not calling him but we all know it's not like that with those guys it is their lack of full attention that makes us perk up and take notice but otherwise we are waiting and hoping he will come around. I strongly believe that part of having a healthy and balanced perspective on dating and on ourselves is the ACCEPTANCE that sometimes we just don't cut it for what a guy is looking for, we are just not what THEY need. To always be focusing on how a man was not good enough for us and to also be the one to reject the men we don't want always puts ALL the onus on men. Is that fair? IS that healthy? Is that what a mature woman does always blame men? Think about it. Sometimes ladies he is simply not totally into you. It took you having to put your foot down to move and make the decision for him, you were good enough for him to stick around and semi enjoy but you were not 100% what he wanted. We've all been there so let's not try to deny that shall we? You should be ok with that, that's life we reject and also therefore we are not exempt from rejection as much as that may hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 This is true, in the movie as well. And it shows the pain the WOMAN puts herself through by allowing the bad behavior to continue rather than just deciding it's unacceptable and moving on. In many ways, does it matter if he's that "into" a woman? If he's unwilling or incapable of providing treatment that meets your needs, all the "into" a woman he feels, is still going to make for either a dysfunctional and/or unhappy relationship. In this type of scenario, you can either/BOTH try and try and try, until you're blue in the face but it's just not going to work. Love/caring doesn't conquer all, except in story books. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I haven't read this entire thread or seen the movie yet but I am a firm believer that when two people are really into one another it really is very evident. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Nah nah nahhh, I completely disagree with this. It may be easier to say it was about him not meeting our needs but it can't ALWAYS be about us ladies. We have to accept that sometimes men are just not all that into us, just as we are quick to admit we are not into a lot of guys that are potentially into us. If we turn it around and make it out to be like "Well he wasn't meeting my needs therefore he is not good enough for me" then it would be YOU pulling the disappearing act on him and not calling him but we all know it's not like that with those guys it is their lack of full attention that makes us perk up and take notice but otherwise we are waiting and hoping he will come around. I strongly believe that part of having a healthy and balanced perspective on dating and on ourselves is the ACCEPTANCE that sometimes we just don't cut it for what a guy is looking for, we are just not what THEY need. To always be focusing on how a man was not good enough for us and to also be the one to reject the men we don't want always puts ALL the onus on men. Is that fair? IS that healthy? Is that what a mature woman does always blame men? Think about it. Sometimes ladies he is simply not totally into you. It took you having to put your foot down to move and make the decision for him, you were good enough for him to stick around and semi enjoy but you were not 100% what he wanted. We've all been there so let's not try to deny that shall we? You should be ok with that, that's life we reject and also therefore we are not exempt from rejection as much as that may hurt. Hall of famer here, mods thouls stick it, pin it or whatever. Rejection is no fun for anybody, but while for most guys it's just a nuisance, many women are inclined to cry "Sky is falling" unless they receive princess-like treatment. That's entitlement, and that would make the guy run away even faster because it basically paints the grossly unrealistic picture of the poor oh-so-perfect woman left unaprecciated by her tool boyfriend. Oh puleeese! there is a lot more than being cute that's required to truly capture a guy's imagination and dissolve fears of commitment. Actually, that's exactly the source of the male fear of commitment: most guys will be content with an "ok" relatoinship where they are devoted to their partner and are willing to put effort in making it work. Women, on the other hand, expect nothing short of perfection, feel entitled to it, and therefore are inclined to flip out at the first sign of hardship. No guy wants to deal with that, hence, we're not committing - you can flip out on your own time :) Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 BUT the problem with the above is that many, MANY women will still make excuses/justifications for the poor behavior. "He's ignoring me because he's scared. If I wait around enough, he won't be scared anymore." "He's dismissing me because I did something wrong. I can right that wrong." "He's not making me a priority because he's got so many other things going on. I mean, I don't blame him for putting work first." However, if you put "because he's just not that into you" at the end of each of your sentences above, it's empowering, truly allowing the woman to move on. Like TBF said different people get different messages from the book and from that phrase alone. I guess I'm more of the sensitive breed . I disagree that the sentence "He's just not that into you" at the end of those sentences will help. I think a better (and less harsh) sentence at the end of those phrases would be "And I won't wait around or try and expect someone to change." If you feel your needs being unmet, and you have the healthy expectation going into relationships that people are who they are and won't change for you, that can eliminate "Hes just not that into you" completely! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I haven't read this entire thread or seen the movie yet but I am a firm believer that when two people are really into one another it really is very evident. I agree. You don't even question if they are or not. You just know. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I agree. You don't even question if they are or not. You just know. That fals assumption is the single source of most relationship drama . The first event or problem, or fight, or agrument, or whatever - you WILL have one - that taints that perfect image of a couple perfectly into each other, girls auromatically assume "Well, i guess it was not meant to be:(", and unless they snap themselves out of it, the relaitonship is all downhill after that point Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 That fals assumption is the single source of most relationship drama . The first event or problem, or fight, or agrument, or whatever - you WILL have one - that taints that perfect image of a couple perfectly into each other, girls auromatically assume "Well, i guess it was not meant to be:(", and unless they snap themselves out of it, the relaitonship is all downhill after that point That's purely insecurity speaking on your part. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I agree. You don't even question if they are or not. You just know. Yes, it is smooth sailing right from the start. No wondering, no waiting around, no speculating, no fears, insecurities, doubts, lies etc.... It's just two people who want to be with eachother, who connect well right from the start. No ifs, ands or buts ... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Yes, it is smooth sailing right from the start. No wondering, no waiting around, no speculating, no fears, insecurities, doubts, lies etc.... It's just two people who want to be with eachother, who connect well right from the start. No ifs, ands or buts ... I totally agree! Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 That's purely insecurity speaking on your part. Wah, wah, wah, and bull***, that's not insecurity, that's experience . (Insecurity would be to try to make things purrrfect and walk on eggshels, so, heaven forbid, she never feels that something is missing , the poor baby .) Sad fact of life is that most women simply don't understand that relationships take work, sometimes lots of work Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Yes, it is smooth sailing right from the start. No wondering, no waiting around, no speculating, no fears, insecurities, doubts, lies etc.... It's just two people who want to be with eachother, who connect well right from the start. No ifs, ands or buts ... Totally true!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Wah, wah, wah, and bull***, that's not insecurity, that's experience . (Insecurity would be to try to make things purrrfect and walk on eggshels, so, heaven forbid, she never feels that something is missing , the poor baby .) Sad fact of life is that most women simply don't understand that relationships take work, sometimes lots of work There's only one constant in your equation of relationships. That would be you! Maybe you're one of those life-long projects! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 In many ways, does it matter if he's that "into" a woman? If he's unwilling or incapable of providing treatment that meets your needs, all the "into" a woman he feels, is still going to make for either a dysfunctional and/or unhappy relationship. No, you're right - it doesn't matter. Unless he's meeting a woman's needs, the relationship isn't going to be a happy one. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishCarBomb Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Sad fact of life is that most women simply don't understand that relationships take work, sometimes lots of work My preconceived notion was this same idea. My experience has been the exact opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Yes, it is smooth sailing right from the start. No wondering, no waiting around, no speculating, no fears, insecurities, doubts, lies etc.... It's just two people who want to be with eachother, who connect well right from the start. No ifs, ands or buts ... How many people asserting this are in relationships like this? How many people do you know who are in relationships like this? I'm not disagreeing I just think those spectacles are a little tinted. Link to post Share on other sites
Ramrod Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I couldn't disagree more. A good man who's all in, will prioritize his relationship over everything else. This doesn't mean he'll ignore the rest since he's still got a life. A man who prioritizes everything in his life, is going to be one highly stressed man. If one aspect of his life goes bad, he's going to lose focus on the rest of his life. A good man is all in. The relationship with his woman is always going to be numero uno. End O' story. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 How many people asserting this are in relationships like this? How many people do you know who are in relationships like this? I'm not disagreeing I just think those spectacles are a little tinted. I'm currently in a relationship like this. We meet each other's needs extremely well, no begrudging on either part, because it all comes naturally. Yes, we've had differences and yes, we've resolved those differences...easily. Relationships aren't rocket science if both parties are willing to put into it on a regular basis. When one party is carrying the load, it's blatantly obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Yes, it is smooth sailing right from the start. No wondering, no waiting around, no speculating, no fears, insecurities, doubts, lies etc.... It's just two people who want to be with eachother, who connect well right from the start. No ifs, ands or buts ... You better start adopting some cats :). That's a sweet fiction, but I personally avoid women with this idea of relationship like the plaque . My last relationship began exactly per the pink description above, so what ???What's that saying essentially is "I really hope that things will work themselves out, in the most beneficial way possible. I don't have to do anything" Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I'm currently in a relationship like this. We meet each other's needs extremely well, no begrudging on either part, because it all comes naturally. Yes, we've had differences and yes, we've resolved those differences...easily. Relationships aren't rocket science if both parties are willing to put into it on a regular basis. When one party is carrying the load, it's blatantly obvious. I've been in a dozen relationships like that, and, I just wasn't that into her. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I've been in a dozen relationships like that, and, I just wasn't that into her. Don't confuse drama with caring/passion. If so, you're always going to be riding the drama-coaster. If you honestly trust and respect each other, you're not going to get that need to lash out when feeling vulnerable. All that immature crap goes away. So does the need to self-protect through pride and ego. You both do what's best for the relationship and not because you have to, because you want to, hence it no longer becomes a project, just easy, so easy and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 You both do what's best for the relationship and not because you have to, because you want to, hence it no longer becomes a project, just easy, so easy and simple. Basically, "If it takes effort, it is not worth doing" Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Basically, "If it takes effort, it is not worth doing" No one should be staying in a relationship where they're constantly bashing their head against a brick wall. It's neither healthy or wise. What it does is create cynicism and bitterness. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Don't confuse drama with caring/passion. If so, you're always going to be riding the drama-coaster. If you honestly trust and respect each other, you're not going to get that need to lash out when feeling vulnerable. All that immature crap goes away. So does the need to self-protect through pride and ego. You both do what's best for the relationship and not because you have to, because you want to, hence it no longer becomes a project, just easy, so easy and simple. It's interesting that you think my relationships fizzled out because they didn't contain drama. Actually they just fizzled, even with trust, respect, willingness to make it work etc. Sometimes you just wake up one day and realise you're in the wrong place. Link to post Share on other sites
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