Did I do the right thing by giving her her space?

[robo]

Hello everyone, my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with me last week, and I am feeling like everyone, depressed, sad, anxious, etc. We had a beautiful relationship together, but we would argue all the time, well at least the last few months of it, we would argue a lot, over stupid little things. She is my first real love, and we were high-school sweets hearts (i am 19 and she is 18).

 

We were always together, we would hang out, go to the movies, go to fun places, and when we were at our own homes (still living with our parents) we would always be on the phone, everything seemed great. We also got very close with eachother's families. I helped her out a lot. I helped her get into college, I helped her with her bank account, and many other vital things. Now we are both in college (same college), it is like a community college, however it is a branch of a university. There aren't much people there so the atmosphere is quite small.

 

Now all of a sudden she wants to take a break, she says she wants some time to figure herslef out, and have fun with her friends, and go out. The problem is, is that she doesn't want to be invloved with me anymore, only as a friend. That crushes me, how can a person be with some one that long, be deeply invloved (she was my first (you know what i mean) and she said I was her's) and all of a sudden just want to be friends, regular plain old friends? I am so confused. She says she doesn't know if she will ever get back with me again, she says she needs time. Well, most of her friends are guys, and I would get a little jealous (I have to be honest).

 

There is this one guy inparticular, he seems to be more her style, he dresses "hip", listens to the same music she does, and they seem to get a long very well. Well, since this happened, I keep seeing her with him, she says they are only friends, but i feel like it could get deeper. She tells me that everyone keeps asking if they have been friends forever, since they are always around eachother, have classes together, and get along too well. She told me recently that if I heard a rumor that she was "all up on him," that it wasn't true. She said they were messing around, pushing each other (i guess playfully). I don't know if this is true or not. They even went to lunch together 2 days after she crushed my heart. I don't want to loose her, but she never gave me a second chance to prove it. I feel like she broke it off with me for him, but I am not sure, and she says that it's not even like that. Just two days ago I asked her if she wanted to hang out, she agreed, and we were having a good time, like it used to be. Well she was giving me the impression that she liked me again, and unintendedly we held hands, then we started to kiss, and it lasted a while. I was holding her in my arms again, and everything felt good. But on the way home she treated me like a friend again, and wouldn't even hold my hand. huh, sorry this is so long, I just feel like I need to write all this out and get it out of my head.

 

Yesterday I asked her if we could talk, she agreed and we did. She told me she doesn't want a relationship anymore, not just with me, but with anyone. I realized that I should stop calling her all the time, and let her have her space. I realize that if it is meant to be then it will be. I care soooo much about her that it is hard to just let her go. I have wonderful parents who have been helping me cope with this tremendous loss. I also have been reading other peoples posts, in search for some ideas.

 

I finally agreed to just be friends with her, I helped her wash her car yesterday, and we seemed to be OK. it's just that everytime I see her I want to hold her in my arms again. I realize my faults now, and I am glad i got to see them. I was jealous, I wanted intimacy more often, and a few minor things. These two major things is what ended it I think. I am going to move on with my life, I have been wotking out and practicing guitar more, and I will probably hang out with friends more. I want to be her friend still, cause I care sooo much about her, I just hope that if I do, it won't end up hurting me again. I want to know If I did the right thing?

 

I am going to give her her space, let her find things out on her own, and when or if she realizes that she messed up (by that I mean, that she had a great guy, who would do anything for her), then maybe I'll consider taking her back. If she gets with someone else, and realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side, then I don't know if I should take her back, I think that everytime I would look at her it would be different. Any comments or suggestions on my situation would be sooo appreciated. please remember, that I care a lot about her, and want things to work out. Thanks.

[jalexy]

you know, i think its best that yall move on! you two have so much to grow on because you are so young. i remember being 18 and everything was intense, relationship-wise.

i suggest just moving on! it will be a great experience

[calithin83]

IM me at CALITHIN83 if u have aim...my gosh, ure story sounds so much like mine...i was with my boyfriend for 2 years 1/2 as well and we go to the same community college right now..so i have to see him..also hs in one of my classes..

he did the same thing and broke up with me and told me basically the same thignure girl told u..i didnt understand..and ic ried, and it broke me but i decided to remain his friend..this DID NOT WORK OUT!!...cos being his friend kept me in HOPE and made me feel close to him...obviously i was being a FOOL...'

so now im not talking to him anymore..and at first it was really hard..btu as days go by it becomes easier and easier..and it makes me see how much its more his loss then mine..i mean its still hard at times...cos i was in love and so used to him..but i know that he doesnt care cos if he did he would want to be with me or atleast care about my feelings...which he does not...so u know what..the best thing is just to MOVE ON...i know youll be thinking "i cant believe its over..it cant be true"..i always think this..im still in denial at times...but denial just holds u back... u sound like a sweet caring guy and...u need to move on so other people can see the qualities u have...

its hard, but u gotta help ureself.......soemtimes u realize that things change...its weird..and its scary..and i dont know..its life i guess...but please move on! please!!!!! once ure moved on..u will feel so myuch more confident...and all ure worries will fade...if u want u can download this song..i listen to it..."You had me you lost me" from EVE...helps me feel strong!!!

[Jiggly 2K3]

Like you cats, I am in the same boat. My girl of 1.5 years dumped me out of the blue about 2 months back. Our relationship was sensational, altough we had a few issues most couples don't have to deal with. Anyways, she still wants to be friends, she even sent me an email begging me to not ignore her and be her friend after I went abit with contactting her. Anyways, she said she didn't want to get backtogether because she didn't want a relationship, but that she still considered me to be her best friend. So, I tried, and now 1 month later, I have come to the realization that remaing friends is just a reason to hang onto false hope. Yes, you can be real friends with an ex (I mean, c'mon,if you date someon that long, it shows that your personalities are compatible, and you would be good friends), but you'd have to give it alot of time, after all your wounds have healed.

 

I'd say lforget about her. I wish I had listened to my friends when they had said "Screw her, she dumped you". I mean, yes, I, like you, care for my ex and love her dearly, but the fact of the matter both our ex's consider us disposable. You can't wait around for someone who considers you to be disposable. Move on man, its seriously all you can do. If you really think it is meant to be, give it time. Its like that old cliche I have seen posted zillions of times, about letting love go, and if it comes back, it was real blah blah blah.

 

After about a month of putting myself through this "friendship" with the ex, I have decided to end all contact effective immediatly. She made the decision to break it off for her own sake, now I am making this decision to break things off completly for my own. I suggest you do the same. Trust me, it will save you alot of heartache, and it really isn't healthy for you.

 

If she really cares for you, then things will happen again. If things don't happen, then you know that she never really did care for you, and she isn't worth your time.

[maui2k3]

I agree totally with what he said. My recent ex and I dated for about 1 year and a month or two. We broke up in July and then had an on and off again thing that ended abruptly last Wednesday night. The worst part is now I feel like we broke up all over again. Even worse than that is I saw here today - her birthday - in her car with another man. So as a dumb ass I ended up calling and emailing her. What good does that do but make me look like a fool and exactly as the previous poster wrote - I am disposable. I struggled with my ex for the last 2 1/2 months only to still end up broken up in the end and probably with more heartache than if I had just walked away in July. Now I have to start the healing process all over again and have the image of her with someone else running through my head. Ex'es can be the toughest thing to deal with and unfortunately only time will make things any better.

 

I hope for my sake I quit all contact and have nothing to do with her ever again. All I do is lose my self dignity when I call or email or tell her I miss her. I hate losing my ex, but in the end - hopefully I will not get any response from her and this will be it. In the past when I have broken up with women, you have to have a cooling off period of weeks or months with no contact at all. That is the one and only way to heal. I do not expect to hear back from her and I hope to god I do not have another weak moment and call her. That will only prolong my pain and make things worse. There is no brining my ex back and there is likely none for you. Once they make the transition out of the relationship, you will be gone quickly when she finds someone else like just happened to me...

[amerikajin]

You're in your late teens, which is an interesting if not fast-changing point in your life (and hers). You're either going to university or out working in the real world; either way, it's your first taste of life in the so-called "real world". The real world is nothing like what you've faced within the protective bubble of life inside Mom and Dad's house. When you get to be about 18 or so, "stuff" starts happening...stuff that's beyond your control, and you alone have to start dealing with it yourself. Relationships are one of those life experiences we all have to go through. The only other option is to not date at all, and that's no fun.

 

I remember the first roommate I ever had in college. A great small-town all-American guy. He and his sweetheart entered college together. I thought based on the way they talked that they'd end up getting married, and I think he and his family felt that way, too. But it didn't happen. She joined a college sorority; he didn't. Nor was he trying out for the football team the way he did when he was in high school. He was simply one person among 15,000 other guys she could choose from. Their world was expanding, but looking back on it, she was changing faster than he was. And the inevitable happened. She gave him his walking papers.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to paste the woman for doing what she had every right to do, which is to explore the wider world around her. I'm only using this to make a point. You're both young. You're both going through some major changes in your lives and you're probably going to become two entirely different people. And that's one reason I think it's a mistake for people to think about marriage before the age of 25 (just my own opinion of course). With the exception of those never-leave-home couples who travel in the same social circles and have defined expectations of what lies ahead in life at an earlier age, I would say people have to allow themselves time to grow before getting married. Some people mature faster than others, and there's no right "age" at which one gets married. But I say 25 years because by that time most people have at least some idea of how the real world works by that time, though in my case I'm 29 and still don't feel entirely comfortable with marriage yet. I did almost get married at the age of 27, but we bailed realizing we were about to crash into a wall (sorta speak).

[amerikajin]

Wanted to add something else...

 

Don't waste your time trying to "win" her back. The delusional young mind of a man in love will trick a lad into doing many a stupid thing, but trust a man who speaks from experience: it ain't gonna work. When it's over, it's over. Roses won't revive the spark. In fact, it does the opposite. It makes you look weak and needy. Women don't like men to look weak because they find weak men to be annoying. Women dig comfort, and they look for a guy who can pick himself up so they don't have to do any extra emotional work.

 

The only way you could possibly regain the magic is to give yourself some space for a while - and that means cutting off ALL contact. No calls. No e-mail. No visits. No roses. No cards. Nothing. If you do that, she may on one rainy day or after a bad date start thinking to herself "Gee, he wasn't so bad. Wonder what he's doing now." At least you'll no longer be the ex boyfriend who keeps bugging her, and you might even be the ex-boyfriend she wishes she still had. Of course, by the time she gets to that point, you'll probably be hooked up with a woman who will treat you like the king that you are!

 

Either way, whether she does come back or not, it doesn't matter. You have to move on one way or the next. My advice is to try greener pastures, even if she does. Hang out with your guy friends for a while and get your mind away from all that negativity. You'll have plenty of other chances at love in the future.