Ok need a little support/reality check

[KikiW]

I'm having a little trouble here and I'm not quite sure what to do... this may not even be the right forum to pose this to.

 

As many of you know, I am in the middle of a separation from my husband. I had met my LDR before we became separated, and while I see him at the catalyst for realizing how bad my marriage really was, I did not leave my husband to be with him. If my LDR and I broke up, I would not run back to my husband.

 

My friends know I have an LDR, but I am trying to be guarded with how much I discuss because most of them are very close with my ex. I do not want to come off as braggy, nor do I want certain things to get back to my ex (we actually have a good communication, but I don't want anyone to go back to him saying "geez she's a b*tch, throwing you off for a new guy, etc etc" - it's already happened that a "friend" seems to have "sided" with my ex, talking behind my back and whatnot.

 

One friend last night expressed her concern for me, that my LDR is more of a fantasy based on us both going through similar experiences, that I am jumping from one relationship to another. She's had experience with LDRs that started online (she is currently living with her girlfriend of 15 years or so, met online, girlfriend immigrated from Canada), and she's also seen them go down in flames.

 

My mother has also expressed concern, particularly the jumping from one relationship to another part.

 

I have no idea how to handle this. I tried introducing my LDR to my mom so she could get to know him, but I think it was too soon and she got weirded out by the fact that he held my hand and kissed me once in front of her. I explained that he had been up since 2am in order to catch the first plane he ever took to go to a place he's never been, met my ex, my daughter AND then met my mother for dinner (who then kept refilling his margarita, which is not really his drink) so to try and give the poor guy a break!

 

I have tried to view this relationship from an outside perspective, but I am at a loss as to what to do. Everytime I search on dating after divorce all say don't go too fast, but don't overthink it. Don't stop talking to your friends, but don't be so cautious that you sabotage things. Don't stop paying attention to your own life (work and children) for the new relationship, but don't distance yourself so much that you don't enjoy it. ARGH.

 

I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now. She was actually the one encouraging me to meet him face to face. As she puts it, like any relationship, this is a risk, but it is an acceptable risk. I am working really hard to balance the different parts of my life (getting a divorce, growing a business, getting a part time job in the meantime, spending quality time with my daughter, trying to maintain friendships, AND have an LDR) and she has not indicated that being in this relationship is detrimental.

 

I talked just last night to my LDR about what my friend had said, and he believes they just need a chance to get to know him and see how he is with me, and how he treats me so perhaps they will be more comfortable. On one level, I think that will help, on another I think it wouldn't matter who he was, just that I shouldn't be in a relationship at all. It makes me all that much less comfortable talking to my friends, which I am not "supposed" to do, but then again I may have more unique circumstances.

 

I don't know, I am just confused and maybe I am just over-thinking things, but I could use some input.

[Island Girl]

Hi KikiW

 

Although not every thing is the same I do have a lot of similar circumstances going on.

 

I have a mother is isn't accepting of my husband.

 

I have some friends who think I am just crazy (they've never met my husband because we've become friends since we became LD and since he hasn't been here in 7 years, well, like I said they think I am crazy).

 

I have only three people who are truly supportive of my relationship. And they were there from the beginning. One of them (my brother) was a skeptic when we were here in person and for the first 3 years of our LD but has since come around.

 

The others do not even try to understand.

 

Not many people can wrap their heads around why I would stay with a man LD that I have only seen twice in 7 years.

Not many people can understand how tremendously perfect he is for me and what he does for my life.

 

My therapist has said it is a more mature and supportive relationship than she has ever seen - or has with her spouse. So she gets it and gets why I am with him.

 

I have muddled through with just a few people for support. The rest may think I am insane or whatever -- I don't care.

What I have to think about is my happiness for now and the rest of my life. It doesn't matter what others think it matters what I KNOW.

 

If you can't share so much with your old friends then perhaps they aren't really your friends. They are very nice people whom you know and that know you. They are people you can discuss other subjects with.

 

There is no definitive rulebook when it comes to how people get together, the time when those moments happen, or how long to wait to invest yourself.

You know that. You feel it.

 

My husband was separated when we met. He had left the relationship mentally and emotionally long before. But physically just weeks before we met.

 

If he had been wary about jumping into a relationship I doubt we'd be together now. Or if I had been wary about getting to involved things wouldn't be as they are.

 

He is the most wonderful man on the planet and the way we love each other is miraculous in these times we live in. We balance each other out. We are devoted to each other.

 

I am not going to give that up because of what someone else thinks - no matter who they are.

[KikiW]

Thanks IG, I do feel a bit better.

 

Since I haven't yet moved out of my house, my therapist's advice is to live alone for a while, which will let me get into a routine of taking care of myself financially and emotionally. Since my LDR and I have many many months to go before we can think about being together, I am trying to look at things as though he may not come up to me at all - something may happen, such as a child custody issue or being unable to find work right away in my area, that will cause a delay. I already need to know I can take care of myself (and my daughter), so I think the rest is just giving some people some time to adjust to the changes and get to know him on their own.

 

I never thought that such close friends would drift away so fast, or even seem to turn against me. Heck, I'm even feeling the cold shoulder from someone I've known since I was 11 years old. *sigh*

[KikiW]

Well, here's A Very Special KikiW Update...

 

Husband and I went to see a divorce moderator on Friday... happy to say that we got a lot accomplished and I am very confident we will be able to part as friends and be as fair as we can to each other.

 

On the way back, however, he requested that we no longer discuss details of our split with our friends. This raised an alarm almost instantly - not because I thought he was trying to keep me from venting or anything, but because of how I was feeling about my so-called friends seemingly disappearing. I immediately said no problem, but asked why he felt that way.

 

Turns out that one friend - who to me is very supportive and encouraging of my LDR - has been talking smack about my LDR to my husband. During his last conversation with her, he actually told her he no longer wanted to discuss the issue with her because he was done. He has met my LDR, and while it's not entirely comfortable, he does think my LDR is a nice guy and has no reason to speak badly of him.

 

That would have been bad enough, except that my oldest friend, the girl I have known since we were 11 years old, stabbed me in the back. Husband went on to tell me that she called him last week to discuss the custody arrangement he and I had agreed on (we want joint physical and legal custody, sharing equal visitation - 50/50). Her new husband and HIS ex have a similar arrangement with their daughter and she went on to tell him just how awful the arrangement is.

 

Had she sat down with the two of us to discuss her reservations it would have been one thing. Had she even called me after speaking to him and expressed her concern to me as well, THAT would have been ok.

 

But in speaking with my husband only, she is essentially planting the seeds of dissention, trying to stir bad feelings up, and potentially causing a rift in all the hard work my husband and I have done maintaining a friendship throughout this process.

 

At this point I have avoided speaking with both "friends" in order to avoid losing my mind on both of them, and I am trying to filter out any doubts that I had that may have come from either of them, as I now cannot trust their judgment.

 

GAH. Why do people have to BE like this?

 

(Rhetorical question, really. I suppose ANYONE can be an @$$hole.)

[Island Girl]

I am astonished at the depth of the betrayal in your post.

 

I can not say That I know how you must feel. I can count on one hand my friends - the others I would consider acquaintances - and I know that, no matter what my relationship, their loyalty lies with me. They would never call my SO to speak to him about any of our personal goings on and I can not imagine ever having the mindset of doing so to theirs.

 

It is truly unbelievable.

 

I am so very sorry.

 

You know LDRs are at a level always painful. We miss them, long for them, and we have to recall immeasurable strength just to maintain sometimes.

But then to have people you have confided in, that you think would be a sense of support when you are feeling sad or lonely, turn on you! How awful!!

 

I hope you cut them out of your life post haste.

 

They obviously can not be relied on for true caring and compassion.

 

You are right. All people can be a**holes. But when you have been a loyal friend for many years and have that person sink to such a level! It is wrenching.

 

I am glad your soon-to-be-ex is being so forth coming to you. He is behaving as more of a friend than they are! That is the bright spot in all of this and I hope you continue to work things out amicably.

 

Just remember you aren't crazy. That two people can meet and connect in an amazing way and it doesn't matter the distance between - the relationship grows stronger and stronger.

The fact that you found found someone amazing and are embarking on a new journey of love can be threatening to those who are unhappy in their own lives for it causes them to look at what is missing.

[KikiW]

Thanks IG, I am still quite shocked over the revelation and for the time being am remaining silent so i don't say anything I will regret later (at the moment, I would much like to punch the one in the face).

 

The first friend (the one just talking badly about my LDR) - I am trying to keep her in perspective. I don't believe she intends to be cruel so much as she is trying to be sympathetic to whomever she is talking to at the time. When she talks to me, she is supportive and is incredulous of something my husband has said or done (which I typically tamp down), and so hearing that she was talking badly about my LDR to my husband really doesn't surprise me.

 

The second friend however is the one I am absolutely speechless over. This is not the first time she has done something that indicates she has chosen my husband's "side" in this. Her communication with me has dwindled to general chit chat once a week (where we had talked nearly every day), she has invited my husband to bring my daughter over for a visit (and not extended the invitation to me)...

 

I am trying really hard to remain calm and look at it from every angle in case there is a shred of evidence that it's not as bad as it seems, or that there is something that would excuse it. She is halfway through her first pregnancy - maybe she is just going batty form the chemicals all stirring up? She is newly married and at the tail end of working on her doctorate degree - maybe she is just stressed?

 

I would take those into consideration, but I just can't see how those justify her behavior leading up to and including this. I am just baffled.

 

Yes, I am incredibly lucky that my husband and I are on such good terms and it's really mind-boggling that he is my biggest supporter of my LDR. I'm just glad he no longer has the patience to deal with these "friends" and that he realizes how detrimental their input will be during this time.

 

Grrr.