BoatLord Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 My wife of nineteen years and our seventeen year-old son left me in July and moved a thousand-plus miles away. I am active duty military with under a year left to retire. I believe our marriage's problems started after two failed back surgeries that left me in incapacitating pain and on anti-depressants and pain killers. Last June, I drove to my wife's work to surprise her and take her out for a late dinner. I get there and her car is nowhere to be found. I go in, and saw her there and thought I just missed seeing her car as she worked in a mall. I go out and look more for her car so I can park by it and meet her. While driving, I pass her distinctive car and some guy was driving it. I discreetly follow him and park a ways off. At 9:15, she comes out and the guy goes to get in the passenger side. I pull up honking and skidding. I told the guy to get the F out of the car and my wife acts all stunned. I told her I'd meet her at home. We get home and I find out it was her boss and that he had just borrowed the car and that he did it all the time. I confronted her about the time her work ended as she had told me it ended at 10:00 and here she was waltzing out of there at 9:15. She didn't have an answer for that. Now my suspicions where really up and I looked online at the cell phone bill and found out that she was having late-night chats 20-60 minutes in length and numerous texts back and forth between her and her boss. There was also one day when she had called at least 20 times in a row after midnight each lasting one minute like he wasn't answering her. I confronted her and she said he was just a friend. I didn't believe her. So, she calls her sister (in AZ) and tells me that her family is worried I'm going to hurt her (NEVER have I done anything even remotely suggesting) and she goes to a hotel for the night. I pleaded with her to stay and that we needed to talk, but she didn't want to. She came home the next night and said that she was going to move out to AZ and that I needed to get off the pain pills and get counseling before I could go out with them. Two months pass, we'd talk on the phone (weather, how Son's doing, etc) but nothing really important or meaningful. I decide to drive out there. She was surprised and generally acted glad to see me. I found out her sister had given her a phone and that was what she used now instead of ours. She said it was cheaper for her sister to text her or some crap. We talked about me retiring and moving with them. We even went and looked at appts. Her family was nice to me and I thought we were recovering. I go home after a couple of weeks, send deposit money, thinking all was well. She started getting mean and not answering and I found emails to her friend (a girl) saying she felt so great being on her own, starting to find herself. I became more depressed and even suicidal and spent 3 weeks in a hospital. I was not addicted to any of my medications and was told that the pain killers were contributing to my depression. I stopped them cold with no withdrawal and am just on nerve pain meds, muscle relaxers and anti-depressants. I have spoken to her about our marriage. She 'doesn't know' is a common answer to any of my questions including counselling. I am doing individual counselling but it doesn't seem to matter to her. I don't (can't) work any more, the military is getting ready to give me the boot, my family is gone, and my dog just lays on the couch staring at me. My Son doesn't want to talk to me anymore and it really hurts. My wife will call me once a month and nonchallantly ask if I have 20.00 I could put on my Son's pre-paid card for groceries. I do put the money on there and 300.00 more. I also pay her car payment and insurance and Amazon stuff to her I think my Son needs or wants. I'm sorry for the rambling and if My story is unclear. It is very hard for me to concentrate (anti-depressants?) and put my thoughts out there. I have absolutely no support where I am except the Psychiatrist as my home is 13 hours away with a Brother I'll talk to every once in a while. I have no friends here and the military and broken people don't mix. And no, we had not even slept in the same bed since my first surgery 2 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 hate to say it, but it sounds like your wife is taking you for a ride, and expecting you to cover all expenses. If she's being wishy-washy about the marriage, but refuses to get her ass into gear by going to counseling with you to see what options y'all have – or to get the tools needed to improve the relationship, then she's only interested in you remaining her cash cow. I know I'm being harsh, but dammit, it drives me crazy when people do this to their spouses, who don't deserve that kind of treatment. BL, keep going to counseling, because it'll help give you the tools you need to go on. Meanwhile, are you in a place where you can join a group (a church, an outreach program, etc) so that you can meet people who can eventually share your burden? Also, does the service offer any kind of group therapy for folks in your situation? hang in there buddy, quank Link to post Share on other sites
Ramrod Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 She's been banging her boss, it's nothing serious, it's just a stop-gap measure. Your a victim of the natural selection process which dictates that women never fully invest themselves in a relationship, always have one eye on the door and the other scanning for the next bigger better deal to come along. Unforntunately you became physically limited and therefore "incapable" of survivng (at least not without assitance. This is where one would say "how about some loyalty?". Women don't know the first GD thing about loyalty. I would try to buy her trifling arse off as cheap as possible and get you a Korean or Asian woman, they have some idea of what loyalty and service to one's spouse is all about. I'm sorry this happened to you. Go NO contact with the wife from here on out. Get the divorce, only pay her what you need to pay the lying, cheating no goo b*tch and move on. Before you think about suicide again, start to imagine yourself with a tasty hot babe about half your age. Go online, set up a dating profile, your an eligible bachelor now, find some young thing from one of the poorer states down south like missouri or missisipi, they go for older guys. Move on, she prolly wasn't ever worth your trouble chief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatLord Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Thanks to both of you for your replies. I feel so alone and there aren't any groups that I know of. Heck, my command hasn't even called me or anything since before xmas. I just sit here and go to Doctor appts. I don't know what I'll do when I'm finally booted out of the service. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Gunny376, United States Maine Corps ~ RETIRED! Welcome home Vet! You're going to stubble and fumble espcially with the wife of 19 years going flakey on your happy @ss! You sound Navy, I could be wrong? Getting out? Oh man! That's a divorce within itself? You've been "instittionalized" ~ as though you've been in prison for 20 years! Its taken a good thirteen years for tha' civies' to get use to me. And yea, I finally got lucky in at least finding some National Guardsmen that understand where I'm coming from. Most of the "civies" still are afraid of me and think I'm freaking crazy! I've gotten called on the carpet and told I'm no longer a Marine (tha Hell I ain't ) and that I'm no longer dealing with Marines! (Got that part right! ) You think you've dealth with depression and anxiety while on active duty? You ain'y seen nothing yet! Wait until you get out here in civilian la~la land! As far as the wife? A lot of the issues there that are common between men and women, manifested by your impendiing retirement. She's scared! And running for "safe-habor" ~ i.e. back to her family. Link to post Share on other sites
mendsley Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Hey BoatLord Gunny has really good advice so take his advice and run to the hills. My wife is now independant and is pulling the same $hit and the best advice to is make sure you know where you stand with yourself. The more you focus and her the more you loose yourself. You are security for her and she knows you are waiting where ever she tells you to stand, so why would she worry about you if she know your at her feet? My suggestion is step back alittle, not completely, but enough to focus on you and have her start to wonder what you are doing. When you talk make her think that the world is great, you have accepted your retirement and you have plans with or without her. DO NOT totally remove yourself from her, just change things up a little. Good luck! P.s. read as much as you can about personal growth and other posts here and learn from others mistakes | MIKE | Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 By GOD! Make a REBEL'S STAND! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatLord Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 And thanks to both of you. Aye Gunny, but I'm not Navy. More of a COASTal type guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 And thanks to both of you. Aye Gunny, but I'm not Navy. More of a COASTal type guy. Matters not! Brothers in arms! Coasties ain't no wimps either! Coasties didn't storm the beaches, but they got the Marines that did there! Link to post Share on other sites
mendsley Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Just had to throw in my input on the Coast Guard, I did 6 years as a coastie and loved every minute of it. I started out on a High Endurance cutter in Alameda and ended my 6 years as an AMT4 on a Dolphin out of San Francisco. There is a story about how Douglas Monroe volunteered and successfully led five Higgins boats from the seaplane tender BALLARD to evacuate a detachment of Marines from a point where enemy opposition developed beyond anticipated dimensions. Munro's last words were 'Did they get off? Coasties and Marines will always have respect for each other for the reason most don't know but, if you know the story you may know why. Sorry to get off topic but, just had to mention that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatLord Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Surprising day yesterday. My Command called me and I now have some idea of what's to come (medical retirement). I also found out that I will have a place to live. I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel for once in a very long time. It's been one week since I went NC. Still very hard at times, but getting a little easier. Have a great day! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Boatlord, Gunny is correct. And to an sad extent Ramrod is too. I'm not sure I would paint "all women" in Ramrods light, but I've met my share, and was married for 25 years to one. There really isn't much you can do with your wife and nearly adult child being in Arizona. She has "walked away" like so many others. I find it especially sad when women "walk away" after long marriages to active duty personel. They are "special" women I think. Oh... and yes, Coasties are active duty. These days the shores of So. Cal and Florida are just as dangerous as the Persian Gulf, more so as you guys are not allowed the appropriate weapons to do the job safely, that's another story though. My advice is for you to strike while the iron is hot. Your wife has taken a powder and moved out of state with your son, abandoning a soon to be disabled serviceman. There is a good chance that a judge in divorce court will see things favorably for you... regardless of "no fault" if your home state features that particular abomonation. File for divorce, let your son know he still has a father and begin building a life again. Know old sod, things will never be the same. You will have to adapt, improvise, and overcome to survive and maybe even prosper from your current situation. There is help to be had here.. company in your lonliness, use it. There is also some good advice (some's not so good). Many of us have lived through what you are facing and are out the other side still breathing. Try to get off those psycotropic drugs too. Your brain is a marvelous thing. It will snap back to normal on it's own if you give it a chance. Most of those pills just dull you down and make you dependant on them. Built in job security for the people who provide and manufacture the pills. Good Luck sir, remember you have allies. HooRah ! Link to post Share on other sites
edgeof27 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 BoatLord, time to set sail, &, find yourself, forget her she's gone, you need to concentrate fully on your well being, get better, get stronger, don't look back, focus on yourself, stay positive, g.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatLord Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Again, thanks for all the advice. Day 7 of NC. Still cant get a hold of my Son... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Just curious? How is it that your in the Coast Guard, but live in Ak? And the nearest CG command is in NO, LA? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatLord Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 The USCG is responsible for the Aids to Navigation (buoys and lights) on the navigable waters (rivers, lakes) in the US and her territories. My Command is in Memphis, TN. I get questioned on this all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 naw, boatie ... you're supposed to say, "because we're damned good!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatLord Posted February 14, 2009 Author Share Posted February 14, 2009 I cannot get a hold of my Son. He won't answer the phone. I really don't want to talk to the wife about it as I'm doing the NC thing and truly feel it's helping me. I don't know what to do. I just texted her asking why my Son won't answer my calls and she said she didn't know and that was wrong and he had to respect me and that she would talk to him. We'll see... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatLord Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 So I had to sort of break NC. I called her at her work, to guarantee an answer, and angrily demanded that she make my Son call me, even if she had to dial my number herself and hand him the phone. Did it work? Well, it's been 3 days and still no call from my Son. Makes me want to hop in the car and drive there to talk to him. I just hope that my Son realizes sometime in the future that I didn't abandon him and that it was his mother that stole him away from me... Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 So I had to sort of break NC. I called her at her work, to guarantee an answer, and angrily demanded that she make my Son call me, even if she had to dial my number herself and hand him the phone. Did it work? Well, it's been 3 days and still no call from my Son. Makes me want to hop in the car and drive there to talk to him. I just hope that my Son realizes sometime in the future that I didn't abandon him and that it was his mother that stole him away from me... To hear your voice may cause him pain because he really loves and misses you and does not know how to cope. Maybe you could write your son a letter, (a real letter not a text message or email), explaining your feelings. I would bet that he would appreciate it. he is most likely feeling hurt and alone regardless of the circumstances. I'm sure there is depression as well. I can somewhat relate as my parents split when I was 17. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 be sure to send the letter certified mail with restricted signature so that only HE can retrieve your letter ... or deny it. keep trying with him, though. Becasue at some point it's suddenly goiing to be important to him that you tried your best to stay in touch, kids are funny about those kinds of things. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 wonder if your wifes laying a load of crap in his ear about you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BoatLord Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 That's a good idea about the letter. I will write one. I don't know if she's turning him against me or not. I would like to think not. I've decided to take the high road and remain open to him and to continue calling every day until he answers. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 oh, if she's trying to screw him over even the smallest bit, you'd better believe she's poisoning the relationship with his son. How else is she gonna come out smelling like a rose rather than what she really is? boatie, all you need to do is keep telling your kid that you love him, you miss him and that you're proud to be his dad. Because that's what a kid REALLY wants to hear ... no matter what the circumstances are! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 oh, if she's trying to screw him over even the smallest bit, you'd better believe she's poisoning the relationship with his son. How else is she gonna come out smelling like a rose rather than what she really is? boatie, all you need to do is keep telling your kid that you love him, you miss him and that you're proud to be his dad. Because that's what a kid REALLY wants to hear ... no matter what the circumstances are! Drop your linen and quit your grinning, you've more than got that right QK! WW syndrone, cheating, affairs, parential alienation is all about the WS and justification for such, BoatLord, I hope you're taking notes, and have pen and paper in hand. Meanwhile back at the ranch while Grandma is fighting off the Injuins she's doing any and everything to project you as the bad guy and the heavy in all of this. You should of done this, you should of done that, you could of done this, you could of done that? Trouble is? Nineteen years ago when you first started out? And your initial objective was to drain the swamp? Its kind of hard to remember now that up to your @ss in Indians, snakes, and alligators! You write that boy in your own hand, and you tell him how much you love him, how dedicated to him and his welfare, how proud you are to be his father, how proud you are to have him as a son. Don't e-mail him, nor type it out ~ write it out. Send him cards! Be persistant, be consistent! Call and keep calling ~ no matter how many failed attempts. Do it everyday if need be. Circuvent the STBXW any you can to get through to him! That's an order Mister! Carry On! Link to post Share on other sites
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