My Deep Dark Pit

[BoatLord]

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Basically, nothing has changed. My son has a "secret" phone that I'm not allowed to know the number of. He won't tell me the number and neither will she. I've talked to him once since this phone mess started and that was because I called her and heard him in the background and asked to talk to him. I asked him for the secret number and he wouldn't give it to me, saying "You can talk to me on the phone you gave me." I said that he never has that phone on as when I call it, it instantly goes to voicemail. He said he would leave the phone on for now on. It isn't and hasn't been on. So, I still call him, every single day and leave him a message saying I love him and miss him.

 

I will write him a letter today as I finally forced myself to go to the post office and get some stamps.

 

I have gone back and forth with the question of where I am going to live when the military is over here shortly in the next few months. I can't decide whether to go to Arizona and be close to them (wife and son) or go to Ohio and be close to my family that has offered more support to me than I thought possible. My wife guilts me with saying "You need to be near your son". My family just says that what she did is f'd up and that whatever I decide, they'll back me and that I always will have a place to stay with them. I'm just so confused and my psych at the VA doesn't help much. She just listens to me rant and cry and ups my meds.

 

I also have a lot of crap in this house. I don't have the ability to do any cleaning or boxing anything up and disposing of it. I would have a 'yard' sale, but the public is not allowed on this military base at all. When I first told her I was gonna trash a bunch of stuff, the wife said that half of the stuff was hers and if I did, there would be legal repercussions. Whatever. I have asked numerous times if there was anything she needed me to send and she said no, that she had everything. So, all of her crap is going to get tossed.

 

Hope everyone has a better day then I'm having...

[LakesideDream]

Boats, Sounds like your marriage is well and truely over. I feel sad for you.

 

My advice, go to Ohio. You don't have to start putting down roots if it doesen't feel right. You need some time, and a place to decompress. It sounds like your people are offering it.

 

Your son? There is nothing you can do until he decides he wants to communicate with you. I have gone through, and am still going through the same kind of thing... mine is 28. They just don't care very much. People tell me that will change. I don't know.

 

Life has handed you some crap Boats. Sorry you have to deal with it.

[edgeof27]

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Basically, nothing has changed. My son has a "secret" phone that I'm not allowed to know the number of. He won't tell me the number and neither will she. I've talked to him once since this phone mess started and that was because I called her and heard him in the background and asked to talk to him. I asked him for the secret number and he wouldn't give it to me, saying "You can talk to me on the phone you gave me." I said that he never has that phone on as when I call it, it instantly goes to voicemail. He said he would leave the phone on for now on. It isn't and hasn't been on. So, I still call him, every single day and leave him a message saying I love him and miss him.

 

I will write him a letter today as I finally forced myself to go to the post office and get some stamps.

 

I have gone back and forth with the question of where I am going to live when the military is over here shortly in the next few months. I can't decide whether to go to Arizona and be close to them (wife and son) or go to Ohio and be close to my family that has offered more support to me than I thought possible. My wife guilts me with saying "You need to be near your son". My family just says that what she did is f'd up and that whatever I decide, they'll back me and that I always will have a place to stay with them. I'm just so confused and my psych at the VA doesn't help much. She just listens to me rant and cry and ups my meds.

 

I also have a lot of crap in this house. I don't have the ability to do any cleaning or boxing anything up and disposing of it. I would have a 'yard' sale, but the public is not allowed on this military base at all. When I first told her I was gonna trash a bunch of stuff, the wife said that half of the stuff was hers and if I did, there would be legal repercussions. Whatever. I have asked numerous times if there was anything she needed me to send and she said no, that she had everything. So, all of her crap is going to get tossed.

 

Hope everyone has a better day then I'm having...

 

BoatLord,

 

can you request a different "psych" person at the VA, she does not seem to be right for you,

 

also, can you get off the "meds", they appear to be debilatating / demotavating you, or change to one that helps you.....

 

go back to Ohio with you supporting family, &, take your stuff,

 

leave her stuff for her to deal with....

 

g....

[BoatLord]

So it's been a month since I last posted. My psych at the VA finally had an actual conversation with me and said I needed to stop eating so much and to get out of the house. So, I rented a cabin and the dog and I are going to vacation by the lake for the next week. I'm actually excited to go. I'm also a little nervous as I don't know how I'll react if I come in contact with other people who may decide to talk to me.

 

I had bought airline tickets to go out and see my son over Easter. I ended up not going as I realized I was going out there more to see her than to visit my son. I feel awful that I feel that way. I can't talk to my son on the phone without starting to cry. I mostly just text him so he doesn't have to hear how upset I am and try to comfort me. I think I'm horrible for wanting see/talk to her more than I do my own son. I haven't had any contact with her since I texted her to say I wasn't coming out there two weeks ago. She didn't even reply, which is ops normal for her.

 

I still have no word on what's happening to me career-wise. I'm to the point that I don't think I really care. They could tell me tomorrow that I'm out and I think I'd just get in the car and drive. No idea where, but I think I need to just start over maybe.

 

Anyways, I hope your day goes better than mine...

[Gowithflow]

So it's been a month since I last posted. My psych at the VA finally had an actual conversation with me and said I needed to stop eating so much and to get out of the house. So, I rented a cabin and the dog and I are going to vacation by the lake for the next week. I'm actually excited to go. I'm also a little nervous as I don't know how I'll react if I come in contact with other people who may decide to talk to me.

 

I had bought airline tickets to go out and see my son over Easter. I ended up not going as I realized I was going out there more to see her than to visit my son. I feel awful that I feel that way. I can't talk to my son on the phone without starting to cry. I mostly just text him so he doesn't have to hear how upset I am and try to comfort me. I think I'm horrible for wanting see/talk to her more than I do my own son. I haven't had any contact with her since I texted her to say I wasn't coming out there two weeks ago. She didn't even reply, which is ops normal for her.

 

I still have no word on what's happening to me career-wise. I'm to the point that I don't think I really care. They could tell me tomorrow that I'm out and I think I'd just get in the car and drive. No idea where, but I think I need to just start over maybe.

 

Anyways, I hope your day goes better than mine...

 

Keep writing your son actual letters with stamps that show up in the mail box. This will speak volumes with him. Will also help you cope. Seeing the ex will be something you dread, but it will not affect you in the long term. Try to make some friends along the way. Explore church more. Volunteer. You need to snap out of it or you will wind up dead. If not phsically, then emotionally for sure.

[BoatLord]

So another month or so has gone by. I bought myself a new 2010 Mustang, drove it out to AZ and ended bringing my Son back with me to help me for the summer and to spend some quality time together. I asked the wife where she saw us in a year and she said that she didn't ever see us being back together. You know what? Screw her. I'm not a bad person, no beatings or slavery or taking her money. I was a little mean and a little irritable at my life situation, spent a lot of time sleeping. But I cooked a lot of the time and did all of the grocery shopping and laundry. Yeah, I'm a real bad guy. I wasn't the one lying about what time work closed, spending all of my extra time with my new buddy, calling him constantly putting hundreds of minutes onto the cell phone account. Yeah, I'm bad. But you know what? Even though it hurt and still hurts like hell, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

The NC has gotten easier every day. I think the finding out that there was absolutely no hope was the deal breaker. And, finding sexy text messages on her 'secret' phone to a couple of guys. Boy, was she pissed that I was looking at her texts! Good for me! I absolutely will not spend my life with a liar and a cheat. Not gonna do it!

 

I have had more fun with my Son in the last couple of weeks than at any time previously. Even though I don't do anything physically, we do a lot of talking and laughing. I've been teaching him how to drive the 'Stang since it's a manual tranny and it's been great fun, though a little scary!

 

I still don't know what's going on with my job. I have been advised by others that I HAVE to make it to 11 July 2009, my 20 year mark, to be able to collect from the USCG and the VA at the same time. I started my app for social security and just hope it goes through the first time. Thanks to all for the advice. I really appreciate it and it has helped me soooooo much! And, I hope you have a better day than me!

[GorillaTheater]

Less than a month and a half? You can do that standing on your head. I'm glad to see you where you are; I've followed your story and I'm glad that you've reconnected with your son, seem to be moving on from the wife, and are generally in a happier place. Good for you.

 

I hear you about teaching the kids how to drive a stick, my 15 year old (who popped the clutch and in a panic couldn't tell the the gas from the brake) took he and I on a tour through the yard, up and over a rock pile, through the neighbor's pasture, and almost into a pond until I got the car stopped (steering around trees with my left hand all the while). I just don't welcome those adreneline rushes like I used to ...

[BoatLord]

I just got off the phone with the Ombudsman from the Coast Guard's Physical Disability Evaluation System. I asked a bunch of questions and to make a long story short, I will have an answer on my percentages in around 60 days. That answer, if I agree, will then go to Legal and I'll get an out date in 60-90 days after that. So, I'm looking at being out in November or December. This is if I agree with the decision on the percentages. If I disagree, it will take up to a month longer.

 

I'm glad to finally have some sort of timeline regarding the end of my career...

[Gunny376]

I would STRONGLY recommend you begin planning now for your post-retirement life.

 

Where your going to live? What your going to do for a living? How your going to live?

 

Take a Fool's advice on this one!

[BoatLord]

Thanks Gunny. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have my Son here right now to help me out for the summer. I'd really like him to make it a permanent stay, but I don't know how to bring up the subject. I feel he'd have a better quality of life with me instead of with his mother. She doesn't have any money, car's falling apart, she's never home, cable and internet got disconnected, and he is like a built-in babysitter for his cousins. Plus, it's 2000 degrees there in Phoenix, and I know he really doesn't like the heat, though it's humid-hot here in Arkansas.

 

And it's really starting to anger me that someone has to call him every, single day to see how he's doing, whether the STXW or someone in her family. The calls always seem to come when we're talking or having a good time.

 

I'm seriously starting to think about filing for divorce. In AR, I can file a "fault" divorce and have sneekily brought home love cards from the other man from my visit to Phoenix. I had told her when I left that she abandoned the marriage, so she needed to file for divorce as I didn't want to pay for it. Now, I'm not so sure...

[missmeme]

I am so sorry for everything you are going through Boatlord, I have been married for 22 years and my husband wants out because he is not "happy". You will have to read the rest of my posts to get the details. But for Ramrod, I am sorry for you that someone has done such a number on you for you to feel that way. There are just as many loyal women out there as men and unfortunately unloyal ones as well. I have stood by my husband through, 13 years of active duty in the 82nd airborne, korea, panama, !st gulf war, worked 2 jobs to put him through college after he was medically discharged for back injuries. Raising 4 kids and put up with him being going for 4 years as a civilian to Afghanistan and Iraq and somehow it is all my fault. I have never been unfaithful to him, all I tried to do was hang in there till he would come home, I have put up with 4 affairs, drinking and him being ass (when he is drinking) all to be told that I gave up on him and I don't need him and he is unhappy. I have never given up on him and doubt I ever will but I am also in so much emotional pain that I am not sure how long I can hang in there. It is never just always the women. As for you boatlord I hope things work out for you as I do for everyone on this site. I wish sometimes people could realize that everything is never perfect and you are never going to be happy about everything a 100% of the time that doesn't mean you just throw it all away. Also Boatlord, I am sorry for going off topic but Ramrod really got to me.

[BoatLord]

Thanks Miss and I agree. Your story saddens me and I hope you find some happiness. He doesn't deserve you and, one day, you will realize it.

[BoatLord]

Well, it's been 20 days since I last posted. In this time I have:

 

• Found a new place to live in Little Rock.
  
• Told my Son that he is welcome to live with me, to which he said he'd rather be with his Mom. I think he feels obligated to take care of her.
  
• Started corresponding with a woman in Las Vegas who has the same disabilities as I. I don't expect anything to come of this relationship now, but I sure did in the beginning. I was so happy to find someone to talk too.
  
• Talked to and met an older woman who I really seem to connect with, but with whom I don't want to be anything more than friends. I think she wants more.
  
• Not talked to the STBXW though she has called twice.
  
• Got hold of the name of a great lawyer that I will start the divorce process with as soon as my finances allow.
  
• Talked to my Son about his future and what he wants to do in life. He wants to be a truck driver and even asked me if I'd ride with him if he came through town and picked me up.
  

So, I think I am getting better. The crying has stopped for the most part, but has been replaced by anger. The guilt is gone. The sadness has tapered off. The loneliness is still there and the unending need to love and be loved, but I am starting to think I just might make through this. I'm excited about moving and starting over. There are quite a few "honeys" that work at the condo place I'm moving too!

[BoatLord]

Another month has gone by. I am all alone again as my Son went back to his mother's. I really miss him. I still haven't heard anything regarding my career, but I made it to 20 years on July 11th. I should feel proud but I don't.

 

The VA won't treat me any more without a referral so I haven't had any counseling for a while now and it's starting to take it's toll. I don't know why I just don't call my primary care doc and get the referral? I'm on my last scripts for all my antidepressants and if I run out, the withdrawals will be hell as I won't be able to taper off of them.

 

The old woman kicked me to the curb as I didn't want a relationship with someone as old as my mother. Good riddance!

 

The woman in Las Vegas is doing badly with her life situation in general and I want to help her so much but, she won't let me. I feel like we really connect since we are going through the same things disability and pain-wise. I sent her my old phone that had some texts on it to/from my wife and she read them and got all p.o.'d at me. She said she didn't want to be used, etc... These texts were from before I had even talked to her and I can't understand why she is so mad at me as she wanted nothing more than to be friends? Now she wants NC until she can figure out what she wants. Oh well, I'm used to this by now aren't I?

 

So, I once again am back a square one, alone, in pain, depressed, and sad with no one to talk too.

 

I hope you have a better day than me...

[LisaUk]

Hi, I don't know your back story but sorry to hear it's not going so well. Keep posting, we are all in this together.

[LakesideDream]

It's just the beginning Chief. If you are anything like this old (59) Marine you won't have much trouble adapting to the "Spartan" life. It grows on you. You get to choose who you see and when you see them.

 

Sure it occasionally gets lonely. Loneliness isn't a terminal condition though. You will find you have the time to do all those things you always thought about doing, and didn't have the time what with being "responsible" and all.

 

No advice about the ladies from me. I'm pretty inept on that front. Standards to high maybe. Maybe it's just because I'm a pain in the ass.

 

My advice in March still holds. Try to stay off the chemicals. While they may make things feel better for awhile. What chemicals really do is make you not give a damn about your pain, physical or emotional. I'm full of holes, and broken stuff. I use those chems too. Not often though. Only enough to dull the pain, not enought to make it dissappear. When the pain dissappears you've taken to much. Take to much and your brain forgets how to make it's own chemicals. Then you are in trouble. It's better to fell some pain, let's you know your still alive.

 

It'll keep getting better Chief. It always does. Time is on your side.

[Gunny376]

It's just the beginning Chief. If you are anything like this old (59) Marine you won't have much trouble adapting to the "Spartan" life. It grows on you. You get to choose who you see and when you see them.

 

Sure it occasionally gets lonely. Loneliness isn't a terminal condition though. You will find you have the time to do all those things you always thought about doing, and didn't have the time what with being "responsible" and all.

 

No advice about the ladies from me. I'm pretty inept on that front. Standards to high maybe. Maybe it's just because I'm a pain in the ass.

 

My advice in March still holds. Try to stay off the chemicals. While they may make things feel better for awhile. What chemicals really do is make you not give a damn about your pain, physical or emotional. I'm full of holes, and broken stuff. I use those chems too. Not often though. Only enough to dull the pain, not enought to make it dissappear. When the pain dissappears you've taken to much. Take to much and your brain forgets how to make it's own chemicals. Then you are in trouble. It's better to fell some pain, let's you know your still alive.

 

It'll keep getting better Chief. It always does. Time is on your side.

 

Damned good advice all the way around LS. I don't do pain meds (nor any other kind unless I absolutely have to.

 

The really good thing about being military? Is that once you've gone through it? And then a separation/divorce?

 

You find out that about half that crap they sell in ChinaMart? You've no use for! As a matter of fact? You find out that once you've lived the Spartan lifestyle? There's a lot of things that you don't need, nor have to own?

 

Drapes, curtains? WTF? I've got mini-blinds!

 

Paper towels, toilet paper, tissue paper?

 

Forget it! Paper towels and toilet paper it is! You run out of one? You use the other!

 

:lmao: I read the paper daily, and a cartoon series I've come to love is the "We're bachelors, Baby!" they're running on Garfield! :lmao:

 

Every time I read one, I'm like "freaking 'A"

 

Marriage? When its good? Its good! When its bad? Its Hell!

 

Its hard to tell if you've got a good one or a bad one? Until you've got them?

 

A good one? They will love you until death!

 

A bad one? Will make damn sure you go first!

 

One of the biggest problems I had transitioning from 20 years in the Corps to civilian la~la land?

 

All these people running around screaming, shouting and running in circles with no one in charge?

 

That and all of the idiots running around out here? (Only 20% of 17 to 25 year olds are qualified for military service in the US)

[BoatLord]

Wow! Has it really been a year and 2 months?

 

I got my percentages last November and agreed to them. Doesn't really matter as I already made it to 20 years. And then to 21 years. I'm STILL in and don't know when I'll be retired. I've been sitting at home since Oct 2009.

 

I filed for divorce last April 2010. I did it all on my own. Her parents got her a lawyer. I gave her everything she wanted. When it came time for my signature before it went to the Judge for finalization, I couldn't do it. I called her and told her so and that if she wanted a divorce, she'd have to do everything. She told me that she wanted to come visit; see if the spark was still there.

 

I got her a ticket and she came this last week for 4 days. We got along well and talked a lot. Many tears were shed. We decided that this was a first step toward reconciliation. She agreed to IC.

 

I, not one to be fooled twice, once again checked her text messages while she was asleep. Of course, she has been texting someone how much she loves him and misses him and will see him soon. Shame on me. Of course she is involved with someone else. She is probably going through a rough patch with him and figured she'd use my "supposed" undying love for her to make herself feel better. But she's wrong.

 

Before the visit, I would have dropped everything and drove out there to be with her. But you know what? Not now. I WILL NOT be burned twice. Besides this other man, she hasn't improved herself whatsoever. She still defaults on her bills, spends money in Vegas rather than feeding our Son, and is generally, still, the type of person she was when she left me. Why would I want that?

 

I've dated a couple of women and had some fun. I'm a catch! and can afford to wait for the woman who completes me. So I'm going to just lead her along until I'm retired from the service, so I know where I'm at money-wise, and then divorce her outright.

 

Shameless Plug/

 

If you're the ideal woman in or around Arkansas, give me a shout and we'll see where fate leads us!

 

/Shameless Plug

[heartbrokensj]

Boatlord, sorry you had to find out about your wife's indiscretions in this way....By the way, love your advertisement for your 'shameless plug'...you will find someone else who will love you and treat the way you deserved to be treated..wishing you and your son much love and happiness despite all this!

Edited September 11, 2010 by heartbrokensj
typos

[Darth Vader]

Wow! Has it really been a year and 2 months?

 

I got my percentages last November and agreed to them. Doesn't really matter as I already made it to 20 years. And then to 21 years. I'm STILL in and don't know when I'll be retired. I've been sitting at home since Oct 2009.

 

I filed for divorce last April 2010. I did it all on my own. Her parents got her a lawyer. I gave her everything she wanted. When it came time for my signature before it went to the Judge for finalization, I couldn't do it. I called her and told her so and that if she wanted a divorce, she'd have to do everything. She told me that she wanted to come visit; see if the spark was still there.

 

I got her a ticket and she came this last week for 4 days. We got along well and talked a lot. Many tears were shed. We decided that this was a first step toward reconciliation. She agreed to IC.

 

I, not one to be fooled twice, once again checked her text messages while she was asleep. Of course, she has been texting someone how much she loves him and misses him and will see him soon. Shame on me. Of course she is involved with someone else. She is probably going through a rough patch with him and figured she'd use my "supposed" undying love for her to make herself feel better. But she's wrong.

 

Before the visit, I would have dropped everything and drove out there to be with her. But you know what? Not now. I WILL NOT be burned twice. Besides this other man, she hasn't improved herself whatsoever. She still defaults on her bills, spends money in Vegas rather than feeding our Son, and is generally, still, the type of person she was when she left me. Why would I want that?

 

I've dated a couple of women and had some fun. I'm a catch! and can afford to wait for the woman who completes me. So I'm going to just lead her along until I'm retired from the service, so I know where I'm at money-wise, and then divorce her outright.

 

Shameless Plug/

 

If you're the ideal woman in or around Arkansas, give me a shout and we'll see where fate leads us!

 

/Shameless Plug

 

 

IMO, you need to protect your retirement check! As well as any and all assets! Not right for her to go whoring around on ya and you get to foot the bill. Just consider this as a confirmation that you need to lose this cancerous woman!

[BoatLord]

No, I didn't die. Though I really wanted to a couple of times. I finally retired on December 1, 2010. I'm still married as I don't want to loose half. I'm almost finished with getting rated by the VA. My last compensation appointment with them is on Aug 24.

 

So, in November of 2010, I finally got my orders to medically retire @ 80% from the Coast Guard. I was happy and scared. I ended up giving everything I owned away or to "Junk Bee Gone". I was in a really bad state. I was scared, still lonely, and now uncertain about what I was going to do for money. I took my dog and everything that I could fit in the car clothes-wise and went up to some property I had bought in northern AR and started living the true outdoors man life.

 

It got really cold. Frost inside of the tent cold. The cat slept in my sleeping bag at my feet and the poor dog slept on a pile of blankets and covered with a sleeping bag. The day after Thanksgiving, I broke. But not for me...my animals. I knew they hated being in the woods. It was raining, cold, and windy. I packed up some clothes and drove to TN to stay with my Dad. He was happy. I felt like a failure.

 

The first week of December passes and the old wife decides she wants to try again. I pack up the dog, leave the cat and drive out to Phoenix. She had been evicted and was living with my Son in an extended stay motel. What a dump. She confided that she wanted to try again and that she was happy I was there.

 

Please note that my alarm bells had been going off non-stop since she had me come out there.

 

About a week after I was there, we were outside smoking when some dude walks up the steps and starts quizzing this woman on why she won't talk to him and why was she throwing away 2 and a half years. She told him that she wanted to be with her Husband and that she wanted to be left alone to work on her marriage. WOW! I mainly went out to try and do what I could for my Son. You don't get stabbed in the heart and easily forget it. I couldn't believe she was with some dude for 2 yrs. But, I wasn't surprised. She still had to take that damn cell phone into the bathrrom when she showered. That was a big clue.

 

So, I don't sleep well and am up way past anyone else. So, one night I got curious. She is still texting this guy saying to not be mad at her and that she wanted to be his wife. Don't need any "I told you so's" I was expecting it. I asked her about the texts. She gets mad that I looked in her cell and didn't trust her! Are YOU KIDDING ME??????!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

 

So, I explained to my Son that I couldn't stay and left the next day back to TN. I bought some land here and have started building a cabin. I'm still very lonely, but I can cope now. Time truly heals the soul. I have went out with a few women, but no one wants a LTR. And thats fine. I think they can smell that on me. Maybe one day, it'll wear off. Or, I'll just find someone that falls for me.

 

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense, but I am on so many antidepressants right now, that I feel like I have the IQ of a 5 year old...

 

In closing for this post, If you are around Athens, TN, (are female) have been hurt and are lonely, I'd love to get together and talk or text or email...

 

Robert

[Frank13]

Thank you for the update Robert and thank you for your service to our country. Your post makes complete sense.

 

It is amazing how your wife can lie so much to you. She tells the guy that she wants to try to work things out with her husband (you) but really has no intention of doing so and then gets mad that you don't trust her. She just called you because she was evicted.

 

Good luck with your cabin and moving on.