3 months post break-up

[not_a_happy_camper]

I have come on in leaps and bounds. Feeling way better about myself, about life in general. My ex is no longer the first person I think about everyday, nor the last thought at night. I don't cry anymore. In fact, I don't even think about him or what happened in depth. I've kissed a few guys in the last few weeks............nothing more, been asked on a few dates but at the moment, random flirtation and kissing is all I desire, when I'm ready for the rest, cool! Not looking for any emotional attachment right now, and that's fine.

 

I've posted here a lot in the last few months. I've vented a lot, which has been an enormous relief, just to get things off my chest, even if it's not to my ex. The person I would have liked to say it all to. This site has lifted a weight from my shoulders. When I think of my ex now, I feel he's just a passing memory. It's when someone mentions him to me, I feel a bit funny. I've been posting here about how much I wanted him to contact me (brief history: he dumped me after treating me badly for few months, up to that we'd been great. I didn't want to end things, but two weeks after he ended it, i sent him an email saying we'd never be together again, because I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't make the effort for me. We never even addressed all that had happened. got few texts since, nothing of consequence. Saw him once, he looked awkward, didn't acknowledge me, and walked in opposite direction).

 

Anyway, the urge to contact him was strong. but when that happened I came here, and that would put me off for a while. I know everyone told me not to..............but I broke NC last week. I had to, because even though the urge to do so was getting less.................I'm getting stronger. I don't feel it was a moment of weakness. I don't feel I've done anything wrong in doing so. I just sent a quick email saying that if he was ever home and felt like a coffee, to let me know, and if he thought it was too weird, that was fine. I'd like to add that at this point I was feeling indifferent as to wanting a reply or not. I'm sure no one will believe that, and will question my motives, but there you go. I guess my reason for doing so, is that the break-up was over a misunderstanding.............a symptom of all that had gone wrong in the relationship, but a misunderstanding no less. and we never got to talk about it. I know you can't always address everything. sometimes it happens that nothing is addressed and one person (the dumpee) leaves dazed and confused, wondering what the hell just happened. That was me. Anyway, I feel I'm at a point where I can meet him.

 

I was out Friday and Saturday night. Bumped into two groups of friends I know through him. Which I found a little hard since I hadn't seen either group since before the break-up, but it was great to catch up with them all. Went out Saturday and bumped into same group again. Ended up having a heart to heart with one of the girls, who I'd been friends with before I met my ex. She said he'd been out the night before in the same bar as me. It was his birthday. (I knew that but I didn't text him). He got drunk and had a heart to heart with one of the other girls I also know. Turns out he's not over me at all. Gutted was the word used. This was third hand information presented to me, so that's all I know. The reason my friend told me was that she said the last time I spoke to her, she felt I had diminished how much I meant to him in my own eyes if that makes sense? She wanted me to know that I do mean a lot to him still. And it sounded like he regretted his actions (didn't see that coming! ). This was all after I'd sent him the email to meet up, and he hadn't replied to me. Anyway. I don't know that I still have feelings for him that way. It sounds like in spite of being the dumpee, I've come a lot further than he has. He replied to me yesterday. Saying he'd like to meet up, and he'll see me soon. I'm not excited about meeting up, nor nervous. I don't know what to expect. Basically I'll go without expectation. With an open mind. I guess seeing him will probably open old wounds. that are still probably closer to the surface than I imagine! I guess I'll live to see if I regret the decision to break NC! But for now I'm glad I did. My friend who told me what he'd said, said she felt he at least owed me an explanation for his behaviour, particularly since he seems to have changed his mind on what happened. She said it seemed so much was lost in translation and we need to talk. I only told her I emailed him after she said all this. I don't know what I'm posting this for as such, but any opinions on this would be appreciated, since I'm a little confused! sorry such a long post!

[not_a_happy_camper]

I guess I'm just wondering how should I play it when we meet up? I know it could be ages away, but better prepared, right? If anyone has any tips, I'd really appreciate it......

[Justmike101]

be yourself. u know u want him back. but this time do yourself a favor and talk indepth with him why u felt break up was necessary and how much u hated the way he treated u. speak in details not just some ambiguous crap like "u treated me bad." How did he do so? what lacked? what were u expecting? could he have provided that from where he was? what do u expect of him from now on? have a talk. dont just jump in. u will get emotional. this is about ur life now. control urself and have a mature dialogue.

[justletgo07]

You seem to have made a lot of progress, which is great , but I don't think your feelings have changed as much as you think.

 

My advice would be to go into your meeting without a single expectation. In fact, before you meet up with him, I'd make a list of his good and bad qualities (and the good and bad things about being with him) and really get grounded on where you stand and what you want. Let him lead the conversation, and whatever he gives, I'd give about half. You've been on the forums for a bit and have seen these sorts of situation turn around on the dumpee really fast, so make sure and stay cool and calm, and don't get your hopes up about anything.

 

Sounds like you are in a good place to handle this.

[not_a_happy_camper]

thanks mike. you see the thing is I'm not sure I want him back. He broke up with me. I think if we were ever to get back together, that has to come from him. I won't be asking him back. But I always said I'd wanted to talk about things. And I guess we were both too wrapped up in what happened at the time to do so. I don't even know that he'll want to talk about it if we meet up, that's what I'm worried about. What will we talk about....................do I just go in there friendly like normal, or on my guard (will probably be guarded anyway, naturally, it's been a while). I'm curious as to how it will go, knowing now he's upset about it still. Is it bad to go there not knowing exactly what I want? I was kind of hoping I'd have a better idea when I see him. Divine inspiration perhaps!

[not_a_happy_camper]

You seem to have made a lot of progress, which is great , but I don't think your feelings have changed as much as you think.

 

My advice would be to go into your meeting without a single expectation. In fact, before you meet up with him, I'd make a list of his good and bad qualities (and the good and bad things about being with him) and really get grounded on where you stand and what you want. Let him lead the conversation, and whatever he gives, I'd give about half. You've been on the forums for a bit and have seen these sorts of situation turn around on the dumpee really fast, so make sure and stay cool and calm, and don't get your hopes up about anything.

 

Sounds like you are in a good place to handle this.

 

Thanks justletgo. I don't know how I feel! definitely in a better place to handle this, that's for sure. I think making lists of good and bad qualities is a good idea..................except that, for the last few months since we broke up, I've digested things so much, I'm not sure what's real about what happened anymore if that makes sense? that sounds weird now I say it. I've been unemployed for much of this time, trying to distract myself, and it took a long time, but I've made a lot of progress in the last three weeks. I wrote a lot in my diary at the time of the break-up. I think it'll be good to read back through that to remind me what went wrong. It's hard too, because the last few months together, he wasn't so good. so that's like my most recent experience of him. so I look at the negatives a lot. He didn't make so much effort with the relationship. But I felt a lot like I let that happen by not being more vocal, and I ended up chasing him a lot. But I realise I meant a lot to him. And know that in my next relationship (whether that's with him, or another person) I need to be more vocal about my needs and not be such a pushover. If he does want me back, I'm a different person now!