don't wanna break NC, BUT...

[paperchase]

This story started in another thread titled I'm back. Actually, it predates that, but the quick 411 is I got dumped and I went by my ex's house unannounced to confirm my thoughts. She admitted to meeting someone new. I was shocked and hurt. I asked why she lied to me, how long, and told her I didn't deserve it. She told me I was not welcome there and basically pushed me out the door. I left immediately.

 

One hour later on 2/5 she txt: We should talk before things get out of control.

 

5 minutes thereafter she txt: I guess you're ignoring me again. I wanted to talk but if you don't then fine we'll cut off all communiations.

 

4 days later on 2/9 I get this text: Hi. I don't like the way thngs ended btwn us. I've been scared to go home at night for fear ur gonna jump out and go crazy on me. I'm honestly worried a/b u. I don't like being this worried. I hope ur doing ok. N I hope u will at least talk to me so we can settle things better n not have ended w/all this madness.

 

40 minutes thereafter I she txts: Fine I guess ur just done n ur gonna ignore me. Well I will back off.

 

 

So here's the issue. I want to ignore her but I think the mere suggestion that I would harm her needs to be adressed. She's put her hands on me so many times and I've never laid hands on her. I can have a temper, but it's never been directed at her verbally or physically.

 

Please interpret her texts and advise how, if at all, I should respond.

 

I was thinking something simple like: Please. As many times as you've hit me, I never did you any harm. I'm fine.

[techfan]

i wouldn't respond to anything.

she said she's gonna back off, i think she's just stringing you along and trying to get a rise out of you.

 

In your situation being indifferent is the best thing to be. Responding just gives her more power. If you never laid a finger on her or did any sort of abuse then let her worry all she wants....

 

she's playing games

[paperchase]

that's kinda how I feel, but i'm real sensitive to domestic violence. she lives with three other women one of whom was home when I came by. I bet she's got them all thinking (maybe her new man too) i'm crazy or something.

 

I really appreciate your response. I'm leaning towards the very short reply I posted. I don't see how that weakens my position or gives her any insight. I basically says, give me a break, I'd never hurt you and you know it. and I'm fine.

[samspade]

Oh my God, dude. Will you stop?

 

You are looking for any and every excuse to maintain contact with this low-quality ho.

 

Do you honestly think not responding to her stupid text will result in you being charged with domestic violence?

 

Use your head, man. She is just roping you in for more b.s. to get a rise out of you. Do yourself a huge solid and block her number. This woman needs to be dead to you, plain and simple.

[ninjaturtles]

that's kinda how I feel, but i'm real sensitive to domestic violence. she lives with three other women one of whom was home when I came by. I bet she's got them all thinking (maybe her new man too) i'm crazy or something.

 

I really appreciate your response. I'm leaning towards the very short reply I posted. I don't see how that weakens my position or gives her any insight. I basically says, give me a break, I'd never hurt you and you know it. and I'm fine.

 

I agree. (Female poster)

[samspade]

Just to clarify: I meant "dead" in the most figurative sense: NO MORE CONTACT.

[paperchase]

I'm not looking for an excuse. I don't want to reach out. I feel like her motive are selfish. She wants to feel better about doing me dirty. But if her fear is genuine -- heck, even if it's manipulative bs -- i'm worried about the implication. My ex wife got a protective order against me 3 years ago during our separation because of my "erratic" behavior. She did it just to snatch sole control of the marital home. She set the stage with a manuver similar to this. The order expired years ago, but the case is still on appeal waiting a decision. it sticks in my craw like you wouldn't believe.

 

also, I don't want her telling people she's scared whether it be her friends, or mom or whomever. she probably is playing a game, but it's not a very funny one to me.

[samspade]

But if her fear is genuine -- heck, even if it's manipulative bs -- i'm worried about the implication. My ex wife got a protective order against me 3 years ago during our separation because of my "erratic" behavior.

 

Well, you need to improve yourself and stop engaging in erratic behavior toward women.

 

The best way to avoid doing that with this chick is to stop engaging in communication with her.

 

Who knows, maybe she is trying to get you riled up to give her new boyfriend an excuse to kick your a$$. Or, to get a restraining order.

 

If you feel you must put this to rest, say something like "I promise to leave you two in peace." You don't need to mention hitting in the text. Your proposed response sounds like you are defensive and ready to get into an argument about it. Just put it to bed in as civil a manner as possible if you must.

 

Then leave her in peace.

[paperchase]

i don't engage in erratic behavior. this is the first time I ever showed up unannounced and I didn't linger or refuse to leave. i was married for a decade with 2 kids. my wife tricked me into moving out for a month to reconcile and then fabricated her charge against me. she's a partner at one of the biggest firms in this country. this girl isn't trying to do that. we're not fighting over money or kids.

 

I like your proposed response except it sounds like I'm bitter and I didn't want to give off that vibe. as for being defensive, I thought it was ok to be a little taken aback by the audacity of the suggestion. BTW, I really do appreciate your feedback so keep it coming.

[samspade]

In all honesty, your best play is simply to walk away and never look back.

 

When you get roped into an argument with a woman like this, I can tell you two things for certain: You will never win in her eyes, and you will never get in the final word.

 

You will only feed her with more ammunition to be used against you. And it doesn't matter how "in the right" you are, she will twist everything to her advantage. ESPECIALLY now that she has a new man; she has no emotional or physical need for you, and as the party that has moved on, she can take the perceived high road because YOU are the one who can't let go. Her stating she is fearful of you is just another way to shift blame away from her and onto you, and you are feeding into that if you argue with her, whether you like it or not.

 

You may have noticed this girl can't stand being ignored. Yet when you engage her she only causes you more drama. What does this tell you? It tells me that she is like all the others in this sense, and as a man your best recourse is to avoid playing her childish games. Move on, say nothing, wash your hands of her. You must stop dignifying her behavior with your attention. Block her, cut her off, and move on.

[Joker77]

Dude, don't respond. It's your classic case of the girl wanting to see if she can still play you like a yo yo.

[paperchase]

You speak a lot of truth. I actually think she does need me despite her new man and you are right she needs attention and cannot deal with being ignored. That's why NC worked so quickly the first time; I just screwed up in making myself too available too soon.

 

To me, she want's to know if I'm hurt and if I've really moved on. I don't think she's scared, but she's probably told her roomates something to that effect because one was there when I came by that day and I get the sense my ex didn't let them know how much we had been in contact. They probably wouldn't approve. So she is kinda saving face by acting like I'm crazy.

 

I also think she wants to end things amicably because she doesn't want to be the bad guy and she wants to keep her options open. I'm not here to make her feel ok with dumping me. I think walking away is best. I'm just appaled at the suggestion of being scared. This girl has punched me, threatend to smack me, staked out my place when she thought I found a new girl and sat outside banging on my front door for 2 hrs one night after she stormed out. That night she sent me like 20 texts and called me 30 times. But I'm crazy.

 

She's extremely jealous and insecure and my stupid butt still loves her and wishes we could make things work. I haven't sent anything yet. I think if the goal is to get rid of her you send the text samspade suggested. I think if the goal is to draw her near you send nothing or something along the lines of what I propose. Her text came around 2pm EST so at this point it's probably getting moot.

 

The past few weeks I'm trying to figure out what is going wrong with us, she doesn't want to talk about the relationship. Now I see she's a lying cheat and she's suddenly "worried about me" in more than one way, "hopes I'm ok" wants to talk "b4 things get out of hand" and "wants to settle things better n not have ended w/all this madness." Pluueze.

[TheDarkSide]

Dude, vanish off into the night, ninja style, disappear without a trace, she will hunt you down in the future and would want to know about your whereabouts. Forget her and move on. She dump you for someone else, we all be there..No contact is the ultimate weapon!! if you know u not a stalker or anything else, then u have nothing to worry about...just move on, you'll meet others across the way.

[paperchase]

I did send a text. I waited until this morning to do it. She responded in a matter of minutes.

 

I wrote: "I wasn't going to respond to this bs, but what ur saying makes me nervous. All the times uve hit me n acted crazy I never did you any harm nor will I. I'm fine."

 

She replied in 10 minutes: "Well I apologize for all the hurt I caused. This isn't lip service. I'm sorry for anytime I provoked u. I wish things were different b/c the last time I saw you wasn't a pleasant time. Have a good day and take care."

 

I ignored the reply and will be maintaining NC for good. Her reply makes no sense. I don't even understand the use of the word provoke. I think it's a mistake. Obviously the last time we met wasn't pleasant. I caught her in a lie, then found out she had replaced me with another man, and ultimately got the door slammed shut in my face as I was trying to make sense of all these mindboggling developments.

 

What more does she want?

[samspade]

What more does she want?

 

Who cares? You're going NC for good, remember?

[troubadour]

What more does she want?

 

Paperchase, it is called jerking around. And she is very good at it.

[paperchase]

I got it guys. NC for good. She's jerking me around. Nobody wants to indulge me with an interpretation of her manipulative texts. I'm not holding out hope, but knowing she cares enough to reach out, even though it's rooted in selfishness, makes it easier to be strong.

 

I'm not going NC to win her back, but I think she will try to come back sooner or later in some fashion or form. I'm going NC because I have nothing to say and any contact is bound to hurt me. She wants to smooth things out because she's having feelings of guilt about her actions. She wants me to absolve her. That's not my problem. I have enough pain of my own to deal with.

 

I know if I let her talk to me now, I'm gonna hear that she's sorry, that she really did love me, that things didn't work out and that she hopes I'm not mad at her. She might even throw me a bone like she did before I found out she had a new man by saying something like: if it's meant to be, it'll be or let the chips fall where they may. None of that is going to help me move on.

[paperchase]

got another text today:

 

"People from [____] have hit me (well us) up for fun lately. lol" The blank is a certain swanky adult club which shall remain nameless that we used to frequent and even attended for NYE 2009.

 

I know I should ignore it, but it sounds like she misses me and is thinking of me in connection with something sexual in nature. Comments?

 

What if I just replied: "lol" would that set me back or satisfy her need to not be ignored. I'm committed to moving on, but if there's a way to re-explore a relationship I'd like to do that with the help of counseling for sure.

 

Help!

[techfan]

Let it die. don't respond. She's stringing you along. I know you want to but don't. Pointless. Even a LOL just reinforces her. She doesn't deserve you and even if she wanted u back she'd have to work a lot harder than one stupid text.

[samspade]

I'm committed to moving on,

 

You don't sound like it.

 

Why are you still receiving her texts?

[paperchase]

I'm posting in a forum called "Second Chances" because I want one. Everyone is saying walk away, but I'd like some guidance on how to recapture my love. I understand this may not be possible so I have begun to talk to other women and date.

 

The situation now is that she's with another man so I cannot afford to pine. It's been a week since I found this out and a week since I've seen her. I'm thinking about strict NC, but I think that may send the message that I don't care anymore, especially if she's sending me ocassional text. With another man in the picture, that might make her move on completely. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

And again, I know there are many who will say let her go. She's not the one. She may not be the one, but I'd like to decide that with the help of a mental health professional because I think she's a special girl that has a few emotional issues I'm willing to work through with her. Maybe I'm giving her too much credit....maybe not.

[northstar1]

I'm posting in a forum called "Second Chances" because I want one. Everyone is saying walk away, but I'd like some guidance on how to recapture my love. I understand this may not be possible so I have begun to talk to other women and date.

 

The situation now is that she's with another man so I cannot afford to pine. It's been a week since I found this out and a week since I've seen her. I'm thinking about strict NC, but I think that may send the message that I don't care anymore, especially if she's sending me ocassional text. With another man in the picture, that might make her move on completely. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

And again, I know there are many who will say let her go. She's not the one. She may not be the one, but I'd like to decide that with the help of a mental health professional because I think she's a special girl that has a few emotional issues I'm willing to work through with her. Maybe I'm giving her too much credit....maybe not.

 

Dude, you are all over the map. Read your posts. You need to go NC for YOU! Not her. You need to get some separation emotionally from this girl and begin to live your life. Stop thinking about her, and think about yourself. Breaking NC sends an even louder message "Hey, although you are with another guy, I'm still here for you..........waiting".

 

She will/has moved on no matter what YOU do. You can't make her come back. You need to get on with your life. If she wants to be with you, she'll be loud and clear about it, not send you cryptic texts to string you a long

[samspade]

I'm thinking about strict NC, but I think that may send the message that I don't care anymore, especially if she's sending me ocassional text.

 

You are way too worried about what she might think, and obsessed with interpreting what it means every time she so much as burps. You need space for yourself, man, so you can start thinking clearly and get over your oneitis. You clearly have a scarcity mentality which is making you behave desperately, regardless of the fact that you have "begun to talk to other women and date." That's a good start, but you need more options to open your eyes to the fact that this one girl isn't the only woman out there for you.

 

Everyone is saying walk away, but I'd like some guidance on how to recapture my love.

 

Why do you think everyone is saying that? You're waiting to hear what you want to hear, instead of the soundest advice.

 

Buddy, if there were a magic bullet for you to recapture your love, we'd share it with you. We stand nothing to gain either way, and we're trying to help you.

 

Somebody else on LS has this as a signature, and its true: Never make someone a priority in your life who's made you an option in hers.

 

MOVE ON!

[diskey23]

dude- i have my own problems like anyone else, but you ARE all over the place. i usually dont think a simple reply to texts is a big deal if its every once in a good while. but u sir are in no shape to reply, its ****in' with your head. i dont want to boost ur hopes, but yeah, shes probably not over you yet (in a way). she also doesnt want to get back with you right now. shes stringing you along for sure & wants to keep her options open. i went through that stage where i kept a couple girls around (1 was an ex) & ive had it done to me.

 

your so worried about what she'll think & the message your sending. i guarantee she'll find you more attractive (most girls in fact) if you dont care about the message your sending, dont care about what she thinks & you act like you dont miss her.

 

first time i got dumped 8 years ago i was a mess, the ultimate doormat. last time i broke up with a girl i kinda did a version of the beg thing for a few days but you learn from your past. and you would be amazed at the way an ex looks at you after you give her the impression 'life goes on.' good luck.

[paperchase]

diskey, you are right. I AM all over the place. I'm really struggling to cope. I can only sleep for about 4 hours at night, I toss and turn. I clutch for the pillow where she used to be. I wasn't prepared for this. The last woman who dumped me was my ex wife and I wasn't prepared for that either.

 

As much as you guys see my emotional state, she has not. She knows I was heart when I first learned the news, but I have not shown her anything since that day, February 5. But I'm a wreck. I'm having trouble focusing at work and my sex drive is zero which is unheard of. It kills me to think about her with another person. It kills me to think that she's moved on and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

Sometimes I just wish I could call her or that I could set up a meeting. I feel like if she doesn't see my face or hear my voice, she'll forget about me faster. I believe in NC as a tool for healing and as a way to possibly draw an ex near as absence makes the heart grow fond, but right now NC is killing me and making me feel very isolated. Its almost as if I need a different form of closure, even if it hurts me. The truth is NC has gotten more difficult for me with each passing day and I don't know what to do.