don't wanna break NC, BUT...

[northstar1]

diskey, you are right. I AM all over the place. I'm really struggling to cope. I can only sleep for about 4 hours at night, I toss and turn. I clutch for the pillow where she used to be. I wasn't prepared for this. The last woman who dumped me was my ex wife and I wasn't prepared for that either.

 

As much as you guys see my emotional state, she has not. She knows I was heart when I first learned the news, but I have not shown her anything since that day, February 5. But I'm a wreck. I'm having trouble focusing at work and my sex drive is zero which is unheard of. It kills me to think about her with another person. It kills me to think that she's moved on and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

Sometimes I just wish I could call her or that I could set up a meeting. I feel like if she doesn't see my face or hear my voice, she'll forget about me faster. I believe in NC as a tool for healing and as a way to possibly draw an ex near as absence makes the heart grow fond, but right now NC is killing me and making me feel very isolated. Its almost as if I need a different form of closure, even if it hurts me. The truth is NC has gotten more difficult for me with each passing day and I don't know what to do.

 

I feel your pain, I have been there. Right now you are looking for any excuse to have contact with her. Honestly man it is like weaning off a drug. You want just one more 'fix' and can justify any excuse to get it. But that fix wears off fast and you crash even faster.

NC is a bitch, it's one of the hardest things you will do, but it is the only way to heal. And you are right, NC can get harder over time (the first few weeks/months), because you feel the absence, and you also rationalize that if you aren't contacting them, they've forgotten about you.

But I can tell you, from experience, is that having contact feels good for about 5 minutes, then it feels terrible when you realize nothing has changed. Then you crave more contact to see if you can make things change, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Don't setup up a meeting, it's too soon and you will be a wreck, especially if she's indifferent or cold. You need space and time in ample quantities.

I know it seems counter-intuitive to what your heart is telling you, but most of us on here have been through it.

She won't forget about you if you go NC, and if she does, then that shows she was never truly a good person for you anyways.

 

You need to embrace NC as hard as it is, and let yourself detach and heal.

[paperchase]

I feel your pain, I have been there. Right now you are looking for any excuse to have contact with her. Honestly man it is like weaning off a drug. You want just one more 'fix' and can justify any excuse to get it. But that fix wears off fast and you crash even faster.

NC is a bitch, it's one of the hardest things you will do, but it is the only way to heal. And you are right, NC can get harder over time (the first few weeks/months), because you feel the absence, and you also rationalize that if you aren't contacting them, they've forgotten about you.

But I can tell you, from experience, is that having contact feels good for about 5 minutes, then it feels terrible when you realize nothing has changed. Then you crave more contact to see if you can make things change, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Don't setup up a meeting, it's too soon and you will be a wreck, especially if she's indifferent or cold. You need space and time in ample quantities.

I know it seems counter-intuitive to what your heart is telling you, but most of us on here have been through it.

She won't forget about you if you go NC, and if she does, then that shows she was never truly a good person for you anyways.

 

You need to embrace NC as hard as it is, and let yourself detach and heal.

 

That was a thoughtful response. Everything you say makes sense. But love is not a logical feeling. Despite knowing what you say is right, I still have the need to expose myself to more rejection. The drug is calling me. I have the need to see her. I feel like if she sees me her feelings will overflow. Of course it only happens like that in the movies. Why can't the heart follow what the mind knows is right?

 

Truthfully, I'm scared of the meeting. I'm scared she may so no even to a meeting, despite the fact that she said she wanted to end things on better terms. She said that several days ago, she may have found her peace now. We have a few items to exchange of moderate importance. I have a spare key to her car, etc. That's an excuse to meet but that's pretty much my last card.

 

Could it ever be the case that getting that last hit and the hurt that follows is what finally gets you to the point where you can not look back? I felt like I had the upper hand when she slammed the door in my face because I had caught her being deceptive. NC was easier then. But now things feel different and despite going NC, I'm still secretly wating for her to contact me.

 

Are there any tools or exercises that can be done to get through this. Pep talks work for about an hour. That's how bad I have it.

[samspade]

We have a few items to exchange of moderate importance. I have a spare key to her car, etc. That's an excuse to meet but that's pretty much my last card.

 

Lose the key, and mail the things if she asks for them. She can always mail you yours.

 

Could it ever be the case that getting that last hit and the hurt that follows is what finally gets you to the point where you can not look back?

 

Do you really want to go through it AGAIN and feel worse than you do now?

 

As long as we're using a drug metaphor, think about it like this: You're a crackhead, and you've all but bottomed out. You've lost your job, your house, your car. You feel like crap but you're recovering. You still want the crack, but you're beginning to feel better without it. One more hit could mean you're either on the street (as your friends/family won't even keep you) or in jail, or dead. Or, you can fight through it, find something to fill the void, and take control of your life.

 

I guess that sounds dramatic, but in your case, contact with your ex is completely dictating your life. Most people show weakness and fight through it...you are seriously a slave to your weakness.

 

Are there any tools or exercises that can be done to get through this. Pep talks work for about an hour. That's how bad I have it.

 

First, put everything that reminds you of her in a box, tape it up, and put it in a closet....or better yet, burn it.

 

Delete her from FB, Myspace, and IM. Block her from EVERY form of communication short of the Pony Express.

 

Now, you may find yourself still pining. That's natural. You're missing all the good things and smarting over how she hurt you - but you'd take her back in a second. Well, here is what you do...

 

Sit down with a pen and paper, and make a list of everything about your ex that you hate.

 

That may seem difficult at first, but as with writing anything, once you sit down and have at it, you'll see how easy it is to tick off 20 or 30 items. They could be trivial things that you overlooked when you dated her. Maybe she cleared her throat too often. Maybe she mispronounced certain words that she shouldn't have. Cheating slut. Write them down. Laugh at them. Scoff at them. Learn how to dislike her. It may sound spiteful, but you're not showing the list to anyone, and given your current state, you need to take this girl down a peg or two in your brain.

 

Then, write down a list of things about you that you love, things in your life that are going great. Reinforce to yourself how awesome your life is. Even negatives can be a positive: "I'm single again! The next girl I date is a complete mystery to me."

 

Get the idea?

[northstar1]

That was a thoughtful response. Everything you say makes sense. But love is not a logical feeling. Despite knowing what you say is right, I still have the need to expose myself to more rejection. The drug is calling me. I have the need to see her. I feel like if she sees me her feelings will overflow. Of course it only happens like that in the movies. Why can't the heart follow what the mind knows is right?

 

Truthfully, I'm scared of the meeting. I'm scared she may so no even to a meeting, despite the fact that she said she wanted to end things on better terms. She said that several days ago, she may have found her peace now. We have a few items to exchange of moderate importance. I have a spare key to her car, etc. That's an excuse to meet but that's pretty much my last card.

 

Could it ever be the case that getting that last hit and the hurt that follows is what finally gets you to the point where you can not look back? I felt like I had the upper hand when she slammed the door in my face because I had caught her being deceptive. NC was easier then. But now things feel different and despite going NC, I'm still secretly wating for her to contact me.

 

Are there any tools or exercises that can be done to get through this. Pep talks work for about an hour. That's how bad I have it.

 

I was in your shoes. After our breakup (which was not messy at all, but circumstantial), I pined for quite a while. I did LC rather than NC. I found excuses to contact her, just for that 'fix' and, in my mind, to make sure she didn't forget about me. Each time went the same way:

I would send something nervously, and feel relieved for a very short time.

I would wait on pins and needles for a reply.

Said reply (when it came) was buried in 'friendship' and neutrality.

I would feel a mixture of anger, sadness, confusion, regret.

 

Rinse and Repeat for a few months, until I finally realized that it had to stop. I deserved more. I needed to regain my life and happiness.

So, I just stopped contacting and began to build back my happiness without depending on another person.

 

Tools or exercises to help you cope?

-Stay Busy - with anything. Go out with friends, even if you feel like staying home and having a pity party.

-Exercise - nothing makes you feel better than the endorphin rush after a good workout. You'll feel better and look better

-Read - anything. Keep your mind occupied

-Take up a hobby; photography, martial arts - anything to get a new routine

-Travel plans - make them, put them on a calendar, spend time researching it so you have something to look forward.

-Goals - set them, short term and long term.

 

But the key is embracing NC and sticking through it.

[paperchase]

samspade and nothstar, you two are really helping me even if I'm not always capable of following sound advice. I'm in deep and I've done some very compulsive things like writting letter after letter which I have no intention of sending. I have no idea where this is behavior is coming from. I need to get a grip. I'm going to start on that list tonight and set up a workout regimen.

 

The list should be revealing because I know she has a ton of issues, but that doesn't stop me from loving her. I just make excuses for her failings. I know there were so many signs that we might not last, but love can be blind. We had a big age difference. I'm divorced with two kids. Even with my baggage, the irony is that many have said she's not in my league due to my accomplishments and other objective criteria. She's even said that at times before her ego spiraled out of control in the late stages of our relationship. I don't think that way because I'm very humble. I saw her as a diamond in the rough worst case scenario. My best friend insists, however, that I settled on her and am mostly smarting for ego reasons because she pulled the plug.

 

A lady friend of mine who is a shrink wants to know why I am drawn to women who can't give me what I need. I can only answer the question by saying this woman gave me everything I needed until she took it all away. I guess the point is that she's no longer willing to give me what she used to, but I can't get over the prospect of what once was. Does any of this make sense?

[samspade]

That all makes sense.

 

The key is not acting on those compulsions. We've all had urges to do stupid, emotionally-driven things when the rug was pulled out from under us. It really does take a conscious effort to avoid those pitfalls. That's what your close friends and this board are for. I salute you for recognizing your weaknesses and working on them. A lot of people post here looking for advice, then ignore it or take umbrage when it's not what they want to hear.

 

Of course it is always easier said than done. You formed a bond with that woman; we did not. That's the point though - we can take your information and give you sound advice because we have no emotional investment (and because many of us have made similar mistakes).

 

Status is a powerful thing. Your friend is right - you settled on a woman whose qualities are not commensurate with your own (I don't know you, but based on your considerable introspection, I can glean as much). When she left you, her status was above yours. When that happens, the very best thing to do is accept it, and realize that instead of fighting to regain some kind of leverage, your best move is to cut your losses and walk away.

 

You should study the 48 Laws of Power. Many don't necessarily apply to romantic relationships, but they are still valuable. This is Law 36:

 

Disdain Things You Cannot Have: Ignoring Them is the Best Revenge.

 

By acknowledging a petty problem you give it existence and credibility. The more attention you pay an enemy, the stronger you make him; and a small mistake is often made worse and more visible when you try to fix it. It is sometimes best to leave things alone. If there is something you want but cannot have, show contempt for it. The less interest you reveal, the more superior you seem.

[paperchase]

So I made the list of things I didn't like...about 25 of them. Many were things that came on as of late, things I didn't think existed when we were flying high. Looking at them all made me think that it wouldn't have worked. This realization helps a little, but I have to keep looking at the list to stay strong because she's still on my mind constantly.

 

I had a lady friend come from out of town to spend two nights with me. I'm not really into her but I didn't want to be alone. Having her sleep in my bed made me really miss my ex. I don't understand how my ex is with another man and not missing me or thinking about what we shared. Maybe she is. I actually get the feeling she's chasing after this guy really hard. The same way she chased after me in the beginning when I showed little interest.

 

I'm dealing with feelings of jealousy. How do I manage those and where are they coming from? I'm still waking up in the wee hours missing her and wondering who she's with. Any additional help would be appreciated.