dating a married man 22 yrs older than me!!

[emotionalreck]

Hi there, I think this website is a great way to express myself and really share what I am going through. My story seems common on here but for me its feels like im alone on this.

 

I have been dating a married man for the past 3 yrs of my life. It didnt start off immediatey as an affair, actually I met him at work, as he is one of the directors. Very smart and caring man...at first it was only a professional relationship and then we became friends and things just escalated...it all happened so quick. This is my very first relationship with a married man. I fell for him because he is always there for me as a friend, when I am sick, happy, sad, mad he is the only one there for me..

 

Anyway it has gotten to a point now where he claims he wants to marry me. he is very protective and always beleives he knows best because of the age difference. (he is 22yrs older than me). He has 3 kids and has been married for 20 yrs, he now wants to divorce his wife and start a life with me. This has left me totally confused about my life and my morals, I never imagined I would date a 'married man'. his wife has approached me before to confirm whether my name was ?'"|@|}#"@....and I told her yes, but I have never heard from her since.

 

He claims he doesnt sleep in the same room with his wife and they dont get on at all, but for the kids sake and all the commitments they have made during their marriage , he cant just walk out, and wants to leave amicably. He calls me all hours of the night to prove that he does not sleep in the same room with her. he says their love for each other has died. I use to live in the same country as him but had to leave to further my education...im now nearly done and will go back to the country he is in to live. Im not sure whether to stay in it or leave??? I ask myself so many questions: when will he leave his wife? even if he does, will she cause problems when i am with him? how do I related to his kids? will he cheat on me when im married to him? does he really want a divorce or is he just telling me stories? the list of my questions go on and on.

 

Anyway all this has turned me into an emotional wreck...its affecting my studies, I drink a lot, and smoke a lot too. I cant date anyone else until im out of this...and i dont know how or if I should get out.. I really would value your opinion on this...please heeeellllpppp!!!

[Reggie]

Better lay in a supply of Viagra and a wheelchair for the future. This sounds flippant but it will be an issue down the road. Bad idea.

[Lucky_One]

Bit of a t/j

 

My BF called me from San Francisco last night; he is there for a conference and went out to dinner with an old colleague and her husband. She was the current husband's OW years ago. They have a 20 year age difference.

 

Bf said she looked great - is 45, sexy, confident. Her husband is 65, and is walking with a cane from his first knee replacement. He is having a heckuva time recuperating, because he is also diabetic.

 

So BF and I assume that they having some sexual issues, since diabetes combined with age (not to mention pain and non-mobility of a leg) tend to wreak havoc on being able to have and maintain erections. He said that her husband watched her like a hawk, too, and constantly had a hand on her in a very possessive way.

 

Anyway, he mentioned that he was glad that we were close in age, because no matter how young an older guy can act, his body will still start to create problems for him, while the partner is still in their prime.

 

Good luck.

[clv0116]

Better lay in a supply of Viagra and a wheelchair for the future. This sounds flippant but it will be an issue down the road. Bad idea.

 

Asinine. Completely depends on the persons involved.

 

 

 

Bf said she looked great - is 45, sexy, confident. Her husband is 65, and is walking with a cane from his first knee replacement. He is having a heckuva time recuperating, because he is also diabetic.

 

So she's about to go through menopause and he's a diabetic with bad legs. Quite a power couple. Typical though? Really?

 

 

.... He has 3 kids and has been married for 20 yrs, he now wants to divorce his wife and start a life with me.

 

This you can worry about.

[norajane]

he cant just walk out, and wants to leave amicably.

 

None of the questions you are asking right now are at all relevant or anything to waste one single minute thinking about UNTIL he actually does leave. This whole wanting to leave amicably business is often crap, that lying cheaters tell their OW's in order to keep them on the string.

 

You'll find out if he's serious if he actually leaves his wife. Until then, wondering how you will get along with his children is pointless.

 

This is the only question of yours that matters:

 

Im not sure whether to stay in it or leave???

 

Do you want to waste your youth on a guy who is 22 years older than you and is currently married with no actions taken to get a divorce? Or would you rather start fresh and meet some guys who are in the same phase of life as you, so you two can experience life together as you mature? Do you want the excitement of love, marriage and children to be as new for your husband as it is for you, or just another round of the same-old, same-old with a jaded old man who's been there, done that, and cheated on his wife the whole time?

 

You've already wasted 3 years of your life with this guy. You may think you have an unlimited supply of years yet, but really, you'll never have a chance to be this age with all the possibilities of life, love, career, travel and everything else open to you. I would recommend that you don't shut out all those avenues yet to explore before you've explored any of them!!

[Lizzie60]

Methink this won't work.. if you want sex and fun.. go for it.. no commitment.. fine.. BUT if you want him to leave his wife and start and new life with you.. baaaadddd idea...

 

I'm telling you... I know it's hard for you to understand.. but this WON'T work out... mark my words...

 

This guy is completely in lust with you.. he's just going crazy over a (probably) 20-some year old hottie..

 

At that age, he knows exactly WHAT and HOW to say what you want to hear.. how to make you feel great.. blablabla... he's experienced.

 

But, no matter what we say here.. I know you will do whateve YOU want to do.. it's YOUR life.. and it will be YOUR misery... you'll have to deal with it..

[Reggie]

Asinine. Completely depends on the persons involved.

 

 

 

 

 

So she's about to go through menopause and he's a diabetic with bad legs. Quite a power couple. Typical though? Really?

 

 

 

 

This you can worry about.

 

Just being realistic. It will be an issue, IMO, regardless of the folks involved.

[Ramrod]

Im not sure whether to stay in it or leave??? Leave. Do it now.

I ask myself so many questions: when will he leave his wife? Who cares? Maybe never.

even if he does, will she cause problems when i am with him?Maybe. Could you blame her?

 

how do I related to his kids? Your the homewrecker, but they will have to stomach you if they want a relationship with their father.

 

will he cheat on me when im married to him?Who knows? But if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you.

 

does he really want a divorce or is he just telling me stories? Your satisfied be a piece on the side, why should make any further or deeper investment in you?

 

the list of my questions go on and on.

 

Agreed, questions like...why do I settle for this kind of relationship, how will I sleep at night, will I continue to lie to everyone who knows me...I assume you don't advertisre this relationship to friends, family and such do you? What does your family think of all of this drama...or you? How many single available men your age have you blown off since you have been busy wrecking this home/family/marriage? Yes, the list is endless, but hey, you sleep at night right? I'm sure his kids will just effing love you...you only split up their parents, ruined their family, messed up their lives, I'm sure you will make a happy ending out of all this misery. yea..................................right

[Reggie]

Forgot about the kids. If this guy marries you, you are in for the ride of your life.

[clv0116]

Just being realistic. It will be an issue, IMO, regardless of the folks involved.

 

Health issues can happen to anyone at any time, in my experience women live longer and at the same time are afflicted with more PITA type medical issues than men. I know they must exist, but I personally don't know a single man on anti-depressants and I know a lot of older women who eat those like candy.

 

Same for all sorts of bowel issues, bladder trouble and a host of other troubling but non-fatal things.

 

Men do have vastly larger incidence of prostate problems.

[KismetGirl]

 

Men do have vastly larger incidence of prostate problems.

 

Hmmm....could it be because women don't HAVE prostates?????

 

sorry, that just cracked me up.

 

To the OP....seriously, Reggie has a point (and I tend to get annoyed with Reggie's sarcastic BS) but a man 22 years older than you? You're going to end up his nurse instead of his partner. And you said he already treats you like he knows so much more than you because he's "more expierienced". Is that what you want? To have a partner who treats you like a naive child your whole marriage?

 

AND, what about if you want kids? He probably doesnt want anymore, and even if he did, by the time they are in college the man will be walking with a cane.

 

He'll die long before you do most likely as well. Women already live longer than men on average. Let's say he dies at 85, which is asking for alot. You'd only be 63 at the time!!!!!!!! You'd be living the last 20 years of your life ALONE. Is that what you want?

 

Age is not everything, but when the gap is this big, it really will become an issue at some point. It's like marrying your father for chrissake. Don't you want someone that you can go through the phases of life togehter?? I think that when you push the age difference past 10 or 15 years, you're really going to ask for some great incompatibility. Just MHO.

 

He probably feels bad about the lack of intimacy with his wife, and gets a big self-esteem boost by having a hot chick 22 years younger than him, and to boot, he probably likes that he can tell you what to do and you seem to agree since he is "older and more expierenced" . That sounds like some relationship with serious daddy issues, rather than an equal partnership with respect for both parties. That is not to say he doesnt care about you- after three years I'm sure he cares on some level, but honey, this is not a good match, not at all.

 

If you want to date him, tell him you'd consider it if he was single, and that he needs to treat you as an equal, and not some sex toy who is meant to be subservient to his mature knowledge of life. But I'd really recommend getting a therapist and dating people closer to your age. And I'm not condemming the affair itself- I'm an OW for the past four years, so I'm in no place to judge on that one. But my MM is only 8 years older than me, so at 26 and 34 we have tons more in common than we would if he was 48 (which, incidentally, would make him older than my father, who is 47, and that is just unappealing to me all on it's own.)

[Reggie]

Health issues can happen to anyone at any time, in my experience women live longer and at the same time are afflicted with more PITA type medical issues than men. I know they must exist, but I personally don't know a single man on anti-depressants and I know a lot of older women who eat those like candy.

 

Same for all sorts of bowel issues, bladder trouble and a host of other troubling but non-fatal things.

 

Men do have vastly larger incidence of prostate problems.

Agreed. But a 22 year difference is huge and at some point, this guy will not be able to keep up:)

[clv0116]

Hmmm....could it be because women don't HAVE prostates?????

 

I'm here all week, tip your server.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

This thread really caught my eye cos I was actually involved with a MM who is 22 years older than me as well! Completely different situation though regarding the circumstances but I'm assuming you are probably a similar age to me and am guessing therefore hes about late 40's/early 50's?

 

Reading the posts in this thread reminded me of what one of my friends used to advise, and that was if in the unlikely event he DID leave for me the 22 year age gap would be a major problem and never work.

 

One of the main problems as mentioned on this thread would be the mis-match of sex drives once he gets to a certain age. And apparently woman reach their sexual peak at about 40, so when we are 40 in our prime and want lots of sex, MM will be 62 - old, tired and most probably no sex drive and not able to get it up anyway!

 

Also the issue with the kids - the MM I was involved with has 4 kids aged between 4 and 16, I loved him so much that I would have done anything for him and said to him I would happily take on his children and love them like my own if he ever left W for me. However this friend of mine pointed out to me that they would hate me, see me as a horrid stepmother and the reason that their parents are no longer together...

 

So people do have a point when they say an age gap this big will cause so many problems amongst the major obstacles you have with seeing a MM in the first place, even if he DID leave. Although I have to say with my xMM we really got on very well and had similar interests so despite the age difference we actually really clicked.

[clv0116]

Agreed. But a 22 year difference is huge and at some point, this guy will not be able to keep up:)

 

Malarky. I know women my age that my dad could run rings around. It depends so much on the individuals it's not even funny. Now a 40 or 50 year gap and it gets close to a sure thing, but I knew a couple where he was 80 and she was 30, married 12 years. He was hittin' it at least once a day and was an avid golfer as well - a lot of younger guys don't want it that much or exercise that much.

[2sure]

Many, many men during middle age - leave their wives and marry younger women. Right or wrong, it happens.

 

But the MM in this scenerio has specifically said he ISN'T leaving. Divorce is common, even with children, so if he said he isnt leaving...he is probably still having sex with his wife. Either way - he didnt tell you anything other than he isnt leaving his marriage and still wants to bang you.

 

So, what exactly is the question??

[Lucky_One]

Many many men do divorce and marry younger women - and you get a lot of so-called trophy wives. The man gets the admiration of his friends and a hot young chick, but even the hottest and youngest of chicks often loses some of their appeal when they become the same wife who says "I am not having sex in the shower - I just had a blow out today."

 

And when the newness wears off and he is pissed because she quit giving blow jobs after the wedding and she is pissed because his knees hurt too much for him to give her oral until she orgasms, then she has an affair with her young, virile, tanned and hard bodied tennis instructor.

[2sure]

This is kind of ironic and relates to the original post. Just got back from a visiting H for a few days while he is on a business-like trip. When H and I met 3+ years ago, many of his work friends were on their second marriages. Coincidentally or not - of those, all had divorced wives their own age and married younger women (some OW). On this trip, one of those same men is in the midst of his second divorce and TWO of them came with NEW OW.

 

When men of a certain age leave their wives - it isnt so much for OW as it is for themselves. Its THEIR world, OW 's just livin in it. Their issues dont get solved - they just get spread around and eventually they end up old, alone, and usually broke. Its so stupid and such a waste.

[Reggie]

Malarky. I know women my age that my dad could run rings around. It depends so much on the individuals it's not even funny. Now a 40 or 50 year gap and it gets close to a sure thing, but I knew a couple where he was 80 and she was 30, married 12 years. He was hittin' it at least once a day and was an avid golfer as well - a lot of younger guys don't want it that much or exercise that much.

 

This is just not true. A 62 year old guy with a 40 year old wife is going to cause problems. If you know women your age that your dad could run rings around its due to one of two things. Your dad is still relatively young or these wome are not very fit. Wait until he hits 70.

[KismetGirl]

Malarky. I know women my age that my dad could run rings around. It depends so much on the individuals it's not even funny. Now a 40 or 50 year gap and it gets close to a sure thing, but I knew a couple where he was 80 and she was 30, married 12 years. He was hittin' it at least once a day and was an avid golfer as well - a lot of younger guys don't want it that much or exercise that much.

 

With all due respect, most 80 year olds don't have the energy or stamina to be banging their 30 year old wives having crazy sex from the chandeliers on a daily basis. This may occasionally happen, but it is far from the norm. Hell, most men don't even live past 80, let alone have sex every day that long.

 

And anyway....unless you were in the 80 year old and 30 year old's bedrooms, you really dont know when or how often he was "hitting it". And god knows i wouldnt be wanting to watch that anyway! ::shudder:::

[clv0116]

This is just not true. .... If you know women your age that your dad could run rings around its due to one of two things. Your dad is still relatively young or these wome are not very fit. Wait until he hits 70.

 

Dad is 67 now and splits fire wood and so on every week, he works his hay farm and also hays for neighbors. Perhaps he is an exceptional man, or maybe being a logger before and after being in the USMC just made him tough as nails. *shrug*

 

In any case I would wager that one day of trying to do what he does in a typical June day would leave you half dead.

[Reggie]

You may be right. On the other hand, maybe not.:bunny:

[clv0116]

You may be right. On the other hand, maybe not.:bunny:

 

Well I know that following him around on a summer day is pretty taxing, he has always been an exceptional physical specimen. So in fairness not typical but proving that exceptions are not so incredibly rare.

[Reggie]

As quite the physical speciman myself:D, I can tell you that even if a guy is in great shape, the sex drive diminishes with age. One can take measures to slow the process. Why not ask your dad how he would do with somene 22 years younger.

[clv0116]

Why not ask your dad how he would do with somene 22 years younger.

 

Well that's not the sort of conversation I have with my dad, who is still happily married to mom by the way. There is enough disparity in mens and womens sex drives already that I don't see it as a problem, more than likely some age difference would help.