A cautionary tale: When to just give up

[Geraltt]

In reading many of the posts here, especially the ones that are full of the standard "I wish he/she loved me like I love him/her," I'd like to offer this cautionary tale. It's 100% true.

 

A number of years ago I lived beside a very attractive single mom with a couple of kids. As a single guy, we all just kind of gravitated towards one another. I'd be here to help her change the oil in her car, help manage the kids, and she'd occasionally invite me over for dinner.

 

She was recovering from an ugly divorce, so while I was interested romantically, I didn't push the issue. I knew she was hurting and wanted to give her plenty of time to heal. And, when she was ready, then I'd make an advance.

 

Well, a year went by. Then two, then three. All the while I was Joe Friendly.

 

We had a couple of liaisons - basically to get some needs met - but nothing romantic developed.

 

And I waited.

 

I turned down the opportunity to be with other women because I wanted to stay true to the idea of eventually settling down with her.

 

Finally, after a few years, she began to spread her wings.

 

But not with me. It was too late, I was "friend-zoned" and stuck. However, I thought that with time and grace, she'd see that I was a good man, an honourable man, a successful man and one who was always there to support her.

 

To my face, she was the epitome of sweetness, and trusted me implicitly with her kids and in her home.

 

Then a bombshell dropped.

 

She emailed a friend of hers but inadvertently sent the note to my address, and I found out that she thought I was "pathetic" and "needed a life" (her exact words).

 

I was utterly crushed. All those years of waiting and hoping for the right moment were, I felt, wasted.

 

This was quite some time ago so the pain of that realization is now considerably dulled, but at the time I was extremely hurt, angry and frustrated. All the chances I had with other women I had given up in hopes for someone else.

 

There are three morals to this story:

 

1. Never, ever wait for, or chase, someone.
   
2. Never, ever allow yourself to become "friends" with someone you're romantically interested in.
   
3. Appearances can be deceiving. What might seem to be sweetness and light may be hiding true feelings that are vastly different than what they're letting on.
   

If I were to do it differently, I'd just give up on the whole idea of a romantic involvement at the first sign of resistance. I could have saved myself a lot of anguish.

[Ramrod]

Holy crap! What a nightmare. Did you ever discuss the receipt of the email with her? Please tell us more, even if it hurts, this is the most horrific story I've heard on LS, I know it will be painful and I don't mean to rake you over the coals again, but we got to know what the face-off was like afterwards, it may help you too.

 

Omg, I've been there myself my friend and I know how bad that kind of thing hurts. IOM, eff being friends, that's for losers. Never again!!!

[Geraltt]

No, I never brought it up. I just went about my business, but kept my contact with her to a bare minimum from then on.

 

Sorry, there was no Hollywood-style blowout, or she finally realized that she missed out on a great opportunity (and a great partner) or anything of the sort.

 

It's really not painful at all anymore, though at the time I was pretty crushed. Live and learn. And maybe, just maybe, someone else can benefit from my experience.

[jasminetea]

You've been reading http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/Main_Page

[Geraltt]

Actually, I didn't know such a wiki existed. But yeah, I suppose women using men like this is a long-established process. I only wish I had that insight years ago!

[jasminetea]

I understand that it's easy to feel that that woman used you (and she was certainly rude about you in that email) however, you could have dealt with that situation to bring it to a resolution of some kind. Instead, you've come here to what seems like whinge about it.

 

I find it odd that a woman who you say, you didn't pressurise into having a relationship with you, whom you were supportive of and a good friend, whom you always behaved like a gentleman to, would be so derogatory about you to a third party, with no provocation.

 

Further, you've not pulled her up on her actions and in so doing you've not allowed her the opportunity to put things right and give you some kind of recompense. Maybe you enjoy wallowing in resentment. Maybe you'd rather not risk further rejection. Or maybe you're just unable to take any responsiblity for the outcome of your friendship with this woman.

[Geraltt]

I understand that it's easy to feel that that woman used you (and she was certainly rude about you in that email) however, you could have dealt with that situation to bring it to a resolution of some kind. Instead, you've come here to what seems like whinge about it.

 

I find it odd that a woman who you say, you didn't pressurise into having a relationship with you, whom you were supportive of and a good friend, whom you always behaved like a gentleman to, would be so derogatory about you to a third party, with no provocation.

 

Further, you've not pulled her up on her actions and in so doing you've not allowed her the opportunity to put things right and give you some kind of recompense. Maybe you enjoy wallowing in resentment. Maybe you'd rather not risk further rejection. Or maybe you're just unable to take any responsiblity for the outcome of your friendship with this woman.

Well, if providing a cautionary tale to others who may find themselves in a similar circumstance is "whinging" then I suppose I'm guilty as charged.

 

Bear in mind that this was many years ago; it's nothing new and I've long since gotten over the initial stab of pain when I read the email.

 

As to why she wrote what she did, I honestly cannot say. I won't ascribe motives to her like you did to me.

[jasminetea]

Well, if providing a cautionary tale to others who may find themselves in a similar circumstance is "whinging" then I suppose I'm guilty as charged. Bear in mind that this was many years ago; it's nothing new and I've long since gotten over the initial stab of pain when I read the email.

Yep. Because there was no self reflection in your posts, which would have demonstrated otherwise. You focussed the blame totally on this woman and you are taking no responsibility for assuming something that just didn't exist. There are always two sides to every story and someone who is truly over a situation will be able to admit it.

 

As to why she wrote what she did, I honestly cannot say. I won't ascribe motives to her like you did to me.

Oh but you did. You made it quite clear that you thought she was using you - "appearances can be deceiving".

 

I have no idea why you would tell this tale, hence my putting out three possible motives. Hope that helps

[Geraltt]

Yep. Because there was no self reflection in your posts, which would have demonstrated otherwise. You focussed the blame totally on this woman and you are taking no responsibility for assuming something that just didn't exist. There are always two sides to every story and someone who is truly over a situation will be able to admit it.

 

Oh but you did. You made it quite clear that you thought she was using you - "appearances can be deceiving".

 

I have no idea why you would tell this tale, hence my putting out three possible motives. Hope that helps

*exasperated sigh*

 

Ok, whatever you say.

[jasminetea]

Jolly good

[OpenBook]

Geraltt, you loved and lost. Welcome to the human race. Most of us have, at one time or another, read way too much into something, and put a lot of hope into it, blinding ourselves to the lack of reciprocity from the object of our desire. It happens. It's no skin off your nose - it doesn't take anything away from all the wonderful things you are.

 

I sincerely hope this crushing experience hasn't closed your heart completely to future love(s), in spite of your "Never Again" pronouncements in your opening post. You're certainly wiser from the experience, and that's a good thing!! But it would be a tragedy to let it continue to block you from finding love elsewhere.