7 months later...they still work together!

[five&dime]

I’m new here, so pardon my ignorance if I don’t use abbreviations and the proper lingo of the forum. I’ll keep it short and get to the point. On July 26th I discovered through emails that my wife was having an emotional affair (at the very least) with a single man British man she’s worked with for the past six years. There wasn’t a lot of lovey-dovey talk but enough to convince me instantly of an emotional affair. Things like “sleep tight” and “until tomorrow” and “Oh, you’re so intelligent…” were the types of things I read. There was more, but I’ll keep this short. I don’t think it ever went physical, but I’ll never know 100%

 

Naturally, she denied what I was looking at, and I got the “just friends” song and dance. Of course, I spiraled and needed to find out more. I soon found 150 cell phone to cell phone calls between them. Still, full denials from her that it was any more than “just friends”. He’s the I.T. guy in her 65-person office. I knew all 65+ computers were networked up and had “instant messaging” where they could all communicate with each other. I soon learned that, in fact, he had only hooked up the instant messaging between the two of them.

 

She denied ever going out alone with him, only to finally admit that they HAD gone out alone, but just to lunch and only three times (yeah, right). Still, for two solid months, she denied everything but “we’re just friends. He’s ‘a bud! That’s it!’” Then, two months into my devastation, she finally admitted what I knew from the first minute, and that was that she had, indeed, developed feelings for him…but that “she didn’t know it at the time…”, which, I suppose, absolves her from any wrongdoing...

 

...but if there was nothing wrong about it all, why all of the deception?

 

My question is: how do I deal with the PURGATORY of them still working and connecting everyday? It’s just proven impossible to get over, seven months later. The idea of “no contact” is not in my reality. We need both incomes, and this is a horrible time to get a new job. Still, she has only sent out a whopping four resumes in nearly seven months.

 

She promised me from the very beginning that she would limit any and all conversations and contact with him to work-related things only. Of course, I have “stumbled upon” (i.e. – searched and found) instances, even very recently, of 100% personal dialogue and “connection” between the two of them--just in place they never assumed I'd find (work email she left up inadvertantly).

 

I’ve read all the books, 15 of them since I discovered this, including “Surviving an Affair.” (She won’t even acknowledge the word “affair”. Whenever I even mention that book, which she doesn’t believe one iota refers to her situation, I defer to her and call it “the purple book.” Isn’t that silly?)

 

Even though she has admitted developing feelings for him, lying about going out alone with him, the emails, the 150 calls, the private instant messaging (much less what I don’t ever see between the two of them when they are together at work) and other things I won’t detail here…I just don’t know how to navigate these waters. We have done so much damage to our relationship since I discovered things, mainly because I can’t get past the reality that they still see each other and talk to each other every day of the work week. It’s daily salt in the wound. I’ve told her that my broken heart has never had the humane environment to heal, and that’s the truth.

 

Emotional affairs are so insidious on so many levels! Denial, even self-denial, comes so easily with emotional affairs. Sometimes I wish I had proof of sex so the denying would stop. I don’t think sex happened, but I’ll never 100%. Of course, even without the sex, the betrayal is real, and the pain is brutal, especially after 7 months of continual contact (and ongoing denials).

 

We have been in IC and MC since the beginning (two different MC’s), but my trust has been ravaged, especially after finding multiple instances of personal connection after the initial discovery.

 

Okay, I’ll leave it at that. I could go on and on, of course, but that’s the gist of our situation. Our 20th anniversary is in May. We have two children, nine and eight years old.

 

I know the rote response from many will be a simple "she needs to leave her job!" I wish it were that easy, especially in this economy (she's used the economy as a big shield, even if it is valid to no small degree. But she's also said she's "in no emotional state" to find a new job. Four resumes in six months speaks volumes, I think.)

 

Oy vey!

 

Any opinions would be very much appreciated, including on what they think based on the "evidence" I've presented. There's more, but that's the bulk of it. Emails, cell phone calls, "3" private lunches (and lying to me about them), exclusive instant messaging in a big office...

 

Thanks!

[whichwayisup]

Is this OM married? If so, let his spouse know what he's been up to.

 

I know now probably isn't the time for her to leave her job but if you two can afford it, she should leave and find something else, even if the pay is less..

[norajane]

Until she admits it, then you're talking to a brick wall.

 

Sign up for marriage counseling and start going yourself if she won't go with you. She needs to see some consequences to her behavior. Maybe if she understands that you won't sit around passively while she carries on with this guy, and that your marriage is in TROUBLE and reaching the breaking point, she might start hearing what you're telling her.

[taylor]

Let the company know their IT guy has set up the company's computer system for his own personal use..to have an affair with your wife.

 

Let them investigate this. Maybe the IT guy will be the one removed from his job.

[65tr6]

I’ve read all the books, 15 of them since I discovered this, including “Surviving an Affair.” (She won’t even acknowledge the word “affair”. Whenever I even mention that book, which she doesn’t believe one iota refers to her situation, I defer to her and call it “the purple book.” Isn’t that silly?)

 

Thanks!

 

 

How long you have suspected that your wife had the affair ? Wake up man !

 

1) Gather all the information about the guy. Is he married ? Does he have parents ? Does he have a girl friend ?

 

Google, look up whitepages anything you have to. Get all the phone numbers.

 

One day (hopefully next couple of days), call everyone close to her and you and EXPOSE in one fell swoop. Same day. Preferrably within the hour.

DONT tell her that you are exposing. If you have to send emails do that.

 

2) Find out company's HR Director and get their CEO email address. Draft them a letter and expose both the employees about their affair and the fact that they have been using company resources to conduct their ugly affair.

 

3) Go to marriage builders.com and read up on Plan A and Plan B. Implement Plan A right away.

 

4) Get tested for STDs immediately !!

 

You will need to ask your wife to quit her job immediately but hopefully she will be fired first - after you contact the HR.

 

She will probably hate you for what you did. Stay very calm (I know it is easier said than done).

 

Yes times are tough. And I understand the importance of two paychecks. But nothing is more important than your family.

[65tr6]

We have been in IC and MC since the beginning (two different MC’s), but my trust has been ravaged, especially after finding multiple instances of personal connection after the initial discovery.

Thanks!

Please stop wasting money on this. These things dont mean anything as long as there is contact and until your wife comes out of the fog. That could take several months, by the way.

[jwi71]

65 is right about wasting money on therapy now.

As long as your W is still having an A (and she is) - MC is a utter waste of time and money. Confront your W in MC and if she won't quit HIM, you quit MC and continue your IC.

 

I also agree with most of what 65 says. Most certainly EXPOSE this A to EVERYONE. Affairs can only live in secrecy and darkness and dragging this out into the light will bring it to a swift and humiliating end for our lovers.

 

I would go one step further. I would DEMAND your W quit her job. She CANNOT work there and end the A. How can you trust her to set boundaries when she has already proven incapable of respecting them to begin with? She MUST quit.

 

Look, what's more important - losing some material things or your M? I know ALL about losing things because of an A - I lost my 911, I lost my house, I lost job status because I was a zombie for almost 4 months. In fact, I bet I lose my job because of her A. And guess what - so effin' what. I would rather have my family and my marriage.

[confusedinkansas]

I wouldn't recommend "hurting" anyone else in this. - What purpose would it serve for you to contact his wife (assuming he has one) his parents, the HR dept. at work. It won't solve anything. And, might even make you look pretty parinoid - EVEN if it is true.

Counseling - Sure that works (eyes rolling) - ONLY if she wants it to.

Sounds like you're kind of in a "catch 22".

My husband "text's" other women (flirting etc.) ....claims they are "just friends" and when I try to talk to him about this & tell him how inappropriate it is (& I even mention some of the things people have told me here) - He says "well, those are YOUR friends & YOUR opinions.....my friends don't think it's inappropriate".....But I digress.........Even text messages, IM's, phone calls.....ALL can escelate when you least expect them to.

You should see a counselor by yourself to try to help you cope & figure a way either to STAY in this - or to GET OUT

(oh, my husband & I are separated...in part because of inappropriate activity)

[whichwayisup]

What purpose would it serve for you to contact his wife (assuming he has one)

That will expose and stop the affair. Affairs thrive in secret so if the OM's wife finds out, chances are he is going to be too busy fixing his marriage than chasing someone else's wife.

[five&dime]

I appreciate the feedback so far.

 

Wife waffles back and forth, one moment contrite, the next indignant. We have been in marriage counseling for a few months. There are times she feels shame, other times just angry at me for my need to talk to people. She especially hates it whenever I speak to friends who have endured infidelity because she still doesn't think what she did (and still does?) can truly be classified as an affair. A week ago, for the first time, she uttered the words, "I'm sorry I betrayed you," so even though she cannot fully take possession of what she did, I get glimpses that she knows what she did is in the ballpark of an affair. She just hates being painted in one fell swoop with the big "Scarlet A" because she doesn't think what she did puts her on that "team". Thus the insidiousness of emotional affairs. One can absolutely convince one self that "nothing happened," which of course doesn't make sense because if there was nothing inappropriate going on, why did I never see even one of the 150 cell phone calls? (Because she made them out of my presence. And lying to me about going out alone with him? Case closed!)

 

I have been in individual counseling for six months, her even longer. We're on our second marriage counselor but have only seen him six times. We both like him, but sometimes I feel I'm spinning my wheels as long as they still see each other everyday.

 

He is not married. I doubt he even feels the same way my wife did for him. It's possible, but I don't think so. To him, it's just a game. He has no stake in this. 75% of the phone calls were from her to him; most of his came in response to her initial call. Of course, he also knew not to call her cell phone unexpectantly, so I could be wrong about his intentions, too. I think he just enjoys the flattery of some married woman making time with him.

 

She definitely has issues with taking possession of the affair. She recently told me that's she's apologized up and down, but I had to point out to her that her apologies are always phrased like "I'm sorry you feel hurt"..."I'm sorry you feel betrayed"..."I'm sorry you are so devastated by this"...etc. (as opposed to "I'm sorry I hurt you"..."I'm sorry I betrayed you" (though she did, after six months, finally say that last one to me last Sunday. So she knows what she did, she's just really slow in admitting it, maybe even to herself. Remember, she conveniently hid behind the "I didn't know I had feelings for him at the time" excuse.)

 

Out of shame, I didn't tell anyone except for my individual therapist for the first four months, and she was perfectly happy to let me twist in my quiet pain. Then finally told a few people, she went ballistic. To this day, I've only told four or five people, including my own parents, and her m.o. whenever I've told someone is to A.) go ballistic, then B.) wallow in the fact that I MUST be painting her as some philadering whore even though I am absolutely NOT doing that. I'm just sharing the facts with a few people as I know them. I've asked her why it hurts her so much the few times I've actually told other people (especially if she did nothing wrong)...and her response is always along the lines that it's humilating, embarrassing and that she feels shame. So, my needing to vent and talk to close family and friends is always met with heartache because "I'm hurting her". Why would she feel such emotions (humilation, embarrassment, shame) if she had no reason to feel those emotions? I know I'm preaching to the choir here somewhat.

 

What good is a no contact letter when they still contact each other every day?

 

What good is marital counseling when they still see each other every day? She'd be perfectly happy if "we just work on our marriage" and view her emotional as nothing more than a "warning sign, a big red flag". Just get past it already, get over it already! Don't you want to "work on the bigger issues?"

 

Very frustrating. Thanks everyone.

[RoadtoRepair]

I feel for you 5&10... I was the bad person in my M and I can tell you that going to MC won't help if her heart isn't in it.. or the A is still going on. Only your W knows what it in her head and heart.. It sounds to me that she is still interested in the OM and I do believe there has been more - she could be minimizing the damage to you.. I know what I was capable of doing and still insisting there was nothing..

 

I know that may be hard to read and I am sorry.. A are terrible things..

 

My wife has given me, and us a second chance and I am doing everything I can to make it work.. I know in my heart how I feel and I know that NC is the only way - temptation will always be there.

 

I feel for the situation in that it is hard for her to change jobs. I travel and while I know I do nothing bad while away for days at a time - it is not good enough for my wife who has absolutely no trust in me and wants me to find a new job - but we are single income family.

 

Short of GPSs and random phone calls, I am not sure what will restore your trust in her. Maybe pop in on her at work? why not meet the guy... they are after all "Just Friends".. I do not believe in hurthing others around the situation as my OW has gone complete Bunny Bolier and now I am fearful for my kids and wife...

 

Good Luck

[five&dime]

Well, we are in marriage counseling, and I think she wants to be there...

 

...but it's just so hard to reconcile some of her actions. She's dangled writing a "no contact" letter to OM over my head, but she hasn't done it. And what good is it anyway if they see each other every single work day.

 

Here's a sample of just one of the many "little" transgressions I've endured because of their continued "work" contact...

 

He called her cell phone from his cell phone right before Thanksgiving. I found the call in her phone a week later. She said it was just work related (phone records show it was only 2 minutes). She said she "simply forgot to tell me".

 

I asked her a few days later if she spoke to OM about the call, and she said, "Yes. Well, I emailed him about it from my work email to his work email. I told him you found the cell phone call, it caused a lot of pain and turmoil, etc. and I told him not to call me anymore from his cell phone to my cell phone. He said he just couldn't find my number and I was out in the field and his cell phone was the only place he had my cell phone number. He said he had to call me."

 

You know what? All of that is perfectly plausible. They do work together. He's the I.T. guy. She said he was calling because she was out in the field with the wrong file (disk). Okay, whatever. Again, it's plausible, and there's no way for me to disprove that, so I won't even try.

 

Here's the kicker, though.

 

After she said she supposedly emailed him and admonished him for calling, I said, "Okay. Would you please forward that email thread to me?"

 

Oh, did she get indignant! Angry! "No! Why do you need to see that? No! I have to draw a line! I need boundaries! I'm ending this conversation!" And she walks away. This was after Thanksgiving.

 

A few minutes later, she calms down, I go up to her and she says "You know, I don't think I have that email anymore anyway."

 

So, I give her the space to go check (of course, at this point I'm thinking she knows full well that either A) there never WAS an email admonishing him, or B) she's wasn't sure if she'd actually gotten "rid of the evidence" or not.

 

So she pulls up her email by herself, I walk in a minute later...and lo and behold... "Nope. I don't have it anymore." It's gone. Not in the inbox, the sent file or the trash. No record of it whatsover.

 

Then, two weeks after supposedly admoshing him for his call to her...here's the fun part...she inadvertantly leaves her work email up at home, and I take a look at it. It only takes me ten seconds to find the two of them connecting...and remember...this is two weeks AFTER SHE TOLD HIM NOT TO CALL HER. He emailed her about a Christmas play, and there she is responding to him (sounds like fun!), and there she goes the next evening to see the play. (No, he didn't go. At least, that's what I was told. I know everyone will laugh that I do believe he wasn't there, but I'm pretty confident he wasn't. She went with a woman from the office, though I didn't go, so who really knows?).

 

Still, to me, OM says "jump" and after all of this devastation, WW still seems to say "how high?" And just two weeks after supposedly admonishing him about calling her.

 

That's some serious "thumbing their noses" at me, imho.

 

I'm numb. Nearly seven months of this "contact" between them is just inhumane. I guess shame on me at this point. It's just so hard when you have little kids. This last incident I just detailed, which is still fairly fresh and recent, did really bad damage. I asked her what she thinks this does to my already destroyed trust, and she just said, "I know. It further damages your trust in me." Wow! Rhodes Scholar!

 

It probably seems like not much to some, but little things do add up. And, actually, I don't see this as all that little.

 

Thanks guys!

[whichwayisup]

She hasn't suffered ANY real consquences and that's why she's still in contact with him and flirty..She is in a fog and not thinking of ANYONE but herself. She also thinks it's not a big deal what she's doing to you.

[2sure]

In reading here on LS you will find VOLUMES of posts similar to your own, you will find different scenerios of the same infidelities - emotional and physical. The same questions from BS, the same responses from WS.

 

If you look you will also find the results of the many different ways the infidelity has been handled within the marriage. Some have resulted in Divorce, some in recovery. For recovery, what you need to do is VERY clear. The affair has to stop before you can move on to the next step.

Stopping the affair often creates the window you and your spouse need to move on. Sadly, stopping the affair is often completely up to the BS because the WS is too blind, too caught up, to see what they are doing. While YOU are the only victim of their actions - while they have no real consequences - they arent going to stop. At least not for long.

 

So far, you havent done anything but ask her to stop. So, nothing changes.

[five&dime]

She's paid me plenty of lip service about "how things have changed" between her and OM, but how do you believe that based on the situation I just described in my last post.

 

I don't have the power to force her to quit her job, and she's indicated she's not going to do that anyway. Not in this economy, not in her current emotional state, not without another job (4 resumes in 7 months).

 

At the very least, I should take her up on her offer and demand she write "the letter" to OM that she has offered but hasn't come through on. She is convinced he never felt the same way about her as she did about him, and writing that letter would absolutely humiliate her. (Of course, that's probably just a smoke screen, that he didn't share her feelings. A married woman chasing you around like that? He was involved.) It's just so hard to navigate through the huge denials from her.

 

I could demand access to her work email account, but what good is that if she "scrubbed" it anyway? Her feelings for him developed over a six-year span of knowing him inside the walls of that office...and inside that office is where they remain, with me firmly on the outside.

 

There really is no acceptable solution other than one of them leaving that job. Still, I should deman access to her email (she's kept it locked), and I should demand she write "the letter". I really should tell her boss, but oh how she has gone bezerk whenever I've threatened that. Pretty much a "you do that, and we're done" type of response.

 

I guess I'm sounding more and more like a drip here. I'm not spineless. I've certainly made life for her not fun at all at home. She's humiliated now that people are starting to learn. She feels a lot of shame and embarrassment, yet Monday morning through Friday afternoon, she lays eyes on OM, they talk, they connect, I know it but can't fully prove the extent because I'm not there.

 

But how do you just stop having feelings for someone just because your spouse found out the affair, especially when you still see the OM everyday? Don't you have to excise them from your life permanently?

 

It's just so tough when you have little kids and absolutely depend on both of our incomes.

 

Thanks, friends!

[jj33]

Shes kept her email locked? And you put up with that? Is it because a part of you really doesnt want to be confronted with what might be on there?

 

And of course have her write the letter. Who knows if it will help. If she does she could always tell him that you made her do it. The only thing it shows is that she does not plan to leave the marriage at this point in time. Humiliated? Too bad. Thats the price.

 

The problem is that you dont have anything with "teeth". If you tell her you are at the computer and you want access right now to see what is on her email account and she says no what are you going to do?

 

You could say fine if you wont allow me to see it there is no reason for us to go to MC. But you said you have only been to this counselor 6 times. Is that because its a new counselor or because you are not going to MC regularly?

 

I am not advocating games but you also need to let her earn your trust back. It sounds like you are begging her to "reenter" the marriage emotionally and she is resisting. That is not a good sign.

 

So what if she is upset that you told people. Tell the world if you want to. She took that risk when she broke your trust. If you are more comfortable sharing this with people and it will help you move forward, then she is just going to have to live with it.

 

Yes you rely on both your incomes, but you if you really want to put a stop to it, you need to start taking some real action.

 

It sounds like you are concerned she will leave. Is that part of it?

 

Its understandable she is concerned about leaving her job in this economy but is she even open to looking for another job?

[2sure]

Well, you're talking about logistics here. And they ARE important. I understand she cannot quit her job but the lack of sincerity in searching for a new one is a betrayal. She has got to find another job. Send A LOT of resumes, go on interviews, make sacrifices, make it a priority.

 

Unless you can get her away from the affair - you best be prepared for more of the same.

 

Is the OM married or living with someone?

[Ramrod]

Kick her *ss out of the house. Period. Tell her to get her sh*t and get the f*** out.

 

Tell her she can do as she pleases once she is on her own. If you don't man up soon your going to find out they crossed the line while this affair has been known to you. Your not taking action and that is why she is refusing to change. Get a grip. If you keep up this pace you'll be sleeping on your couch while the two of them are doing the matress mambo right under your roof. Where is Dexter? Wait until her reads your thread. He'll readjust your perception of what's going on in this marriage.

[five&dime]

Yes, she keeps her work email locked from me. Early in this crisis she offered to give me access, but then quickly reneged, stating that it would jeapordize her job, so I backed down. I spoke to my counselor just today about the scenario, which I was thinking about last night while she was working on her work email at home, of asking right then and there to let me go through her work email. I know it would start WWIII. My counselor said, "Why don't just do it?"

 

And, of course, if it did start WWIII, what conclusions do I draw? Duh!

 

I guess my challenge...well, one of many...is that for almost seven long months, I have been beat down emotionally by this continued contact, and the continued contact has made me an unhappy and difficult person to be around. Whatever disenchantment she was feeling before I discovered her affair, trust me, it's way worse for her right now. She's teetering on the edge, so it's a fine line I feel I need to walk to not blow our marriage completely out of the water over something that as devastating as it is, is certainly forgivable in the long run. Oh, but the daily damage that is being done is further destroying an already wrecked ship. It's such a Catch-22.

 

After nearly 20 years of marriage (we've been together since we were both 21), I was completely caught off guard by this, and totally destroyed. Obviously, part of my problem is that it took two full months for any sort of admission about her true feelings for OM, and the full-frontal attack of denial on her part, coupled with the continued daily contact between them, well, I guess I've just been shell-shocked from the very beginning. I'm truly numb, still, and it's this continued contact that has exascerbated this feeling. Oh, I've been angry as hell, called her a "liar" more times than I can count, and she does acknowledge that she has done wrong, though she also expresses the frustration that she can't believe that what she actually did has amounted to all of this (ie - it's my fault we are where we are, not hers). To her, it just wasn't--and isn't--that bad, though she recognizes that to me, it is horrible.

 

Yes, I agree that 4 resumes in 7 months is betrayal. Hell, WW's recent personal dialogue with OM not two weeks after admonishing OM to not call her cell phone because I found out was a monster slap in the face and did huge untold damage to the zero trust I had in her anyway.

 

The common denominator among almost all of the responses here seems to be that I'm not doing enough. I've yelled, screamed, withdrawn, humiliated her by finally telling others (after four long quiet months of keeping to myself, even with my parents, just to ****ing protect her because they think so highly of her (can we cuss here?), and she was fine with me keeping quiet and suffering because of it.) But I've been downright ugly to her, and now I've shamed and humiliated her by finally speaking to some of our friends and family. I didn't talk to others to shame and humilate her; I did it because I needed to talk to friends and family.

 

I guess what I haven't been is forceful enough. Maybe that stems from the only time, about two months ago, that I sort of laid down an ultimatum--sort of--almost a trial balloon--that I don't know how much longer I can take this, and she essentially told me that she's "this close" to calling it quits with the marriage. So I backed down a bit.

 

I definitely feel like I've got post traumatic stress or something from all of this.

 

We have been to two marriage counselors so far. We didn't go for the first two months because I wasn't even remotely close to wanting to. I immediately went into personal therapy and have been there ever since (twice a month the first three months). Our first marriage counselor was horrible, and we both agreed, so he only last seven sessions. We do like our new one, but we've only seen him six times so far. We are seeing him regularly now. But like I told my therapist today, at some point, as long as she is still seeing OM at work daily, I can't help but think we'll be just spinning our wheels because the pain of their continued contact just supercedes any lasting benefit from marriage counseling. Does that make sense?

 

Sounds like I need to ratchet up the consequences for her continuing along this path. Of course, she wants her cake and to eat it too. She wants to "work on the bigger issues of our marriage" while not having to really pay the price for what she has done and make things right (ie - work 10 times harder to leave her job... humiliate herself by writing to OM and exposing her true feelings for him (which is silly because he obviously already knows; that's a bunny trail she's leading me down, that "he doesn't reciprocate my feelings"...) Perhaps it's time her boss found out (or perhaps I use that as leverage for more action on her part; her boss finding out would devastate WW--she's second in command of 65 people. I'm sure her boss would be tickled pink to learn what was going on between her second-in-command (wife w/2 small kids) and the single British I.T. ("respectful, caring, gentle, he-gets-me, good listener, soulmate, knight in shining armor).

 

This is so freakin' hard! It's like a balancing act to do the right thing, you know. I'm not spineless, believe me. I just want to do the right thing. We've been together pretty much all our adult life. Two small kids. The problem is, the damage we've done to each other since my discovery probably exceeds now the damage done by the affair itself. That's f***ed up!!!

 

Huge Catch-22.

 

Thanks for all the help, really.

[Spark1111]

five & dime,

my heart breaks for you! MY WS also had an affair with a work colleague who lived a mile from his office.

 

Some suggestions: Call HIM and calmly tell him that you suspect your wife has developed romantic feelings for him. Don't blame. Don't get angry. Tell him that you are in both IC and MC and how important it is to save your relationship with her --how much your children and family mean to both of you. Make yourself a REAL caring family man to him. Implore him of how much you would appreciate his efforts to remain strictly professional with her during the work day.

 

Okay, this is what that will accomplish, HOPEFULLY: He will see you as a decent guy, not the ogre she may have portrayed you as. Your awareness will shake him up in regards to the possibility of losing his position in the company. It will scare him enough to back off.

 

She will mourn for a while, but then you have a shot at true growth.

 

IMO, part of the problem is the OM/OW does not think of you at all as a "real" person, with "real" feelings with an invested stake until DDay comes crashing down around them. It's true nothing may change at all, but maybe something will. I wish you peace.

[jj33]

You are having a really rough time and I feel for you. She even has you blaming yourself for being not fun to be around. FUN? She is still in an EA so far as you know.

 

And that is nonsense about access to the emails. She neednt give you access to confidential business information. She is lying pure and simple.

 

Im not sure calling him will stop anything. He will say hey your H called me. Whats up with that. If they were so concerned about your feelings it would have stopped. There already HAS been a D day. YOU KNOW. People who want to cheat will cheat. The issue is does she want to stop.

 

The only way to force her to stop is to be ready to end the marriage. Then she will have to make a choice. She can only be forgiven if she ends this and puts it all behind you and regains your trust. I dont see ANY evidence of that at this point.

 

the problem is you are afraid to lose the marriage so she has cuckolded you to use an old fashioned phrase. You dont want to lose her so she feels she has free reign.

 

OPEN THE EMAIL. If it starts WWIII so be it.

 

If you find more contact, quit marital counseling you are wasting your money.

 

Unless you are willing to stay in the marriage on any terms (which seems to be the case now) then you have to be ready to lose her in order to show her that you are not going to be messed about any longer.

 

I dont want to throw salt on the wound but she may be waiting for you to say you want a divorce. I just dont know.

 

Does your counselor have any suggestions. If hes simply sitting there listening and nodding and billing you, you may want to find a more proactive therapist.

[Dexter Morgan]

There wasn’t a lot of lovey-dovey talk but enough to convince me instantly of an emotional affair. Things like “sleep tight” and “until tomorrow” and “Oh, you’re so intelligent…” were the types of things I read. There was more, but I’ll keep this short. I don’t think it ever went physical, but I’ll never know 100%

 

Naturally, she denied what I was looking at, and I got the “just friends” song and dance. Of course, I spiraled and needed to find out more. I soon found 150 cell phone to cell phone calls between them.

 

You can bet more is going on between them. There is no need for that many calls between them. Only friends? Ya right.

 

 

She denied ever going out alone with him, only to finally admit that they HAD gone out alone

 

So she lied. And why did she lie? Because the nature of her relationship with him is inappropriate. You better believe that she has lied about other things they did.

 

 

but just to lunch and only three times (yeah, right). Still, for two solid months, she denied everything but “we’re just friends. He’s ‘a bud! That’s it!’” Then, two months into my devastation, she finally admitted what I knew from the first minute, and that was that she had, indeed, developed feelings for him…but that “she didn’t know it at the time…”, which, I suppose, absolves her from any wrongdoing...

 

...but if there was nothing wrong about it all, why all of the deception?

 

 

Exactly. You have your senses about you. She kept it from you and lied when you asked because she is in an affair with him. Emotional and probably even physical.

 

So she admits she has feelings for him? So you need to ask her, "so, now that I know you have the hots for another guy, what do you think I should do about it?.....do you think I should dump you flat on your ass?"

 

You also need to call or IM this guy and tell him you know what is going on. Keep it short and sweet and just say something like, "I know what is going on between you and my wife" and leave it at that.

 

 

My question is: how do I deal with the PURGATORY of them still working and connecting everyday?

 

You don't. She gets another job or gets another home.

 

 

It’s just proven impossible to get over, seven months later. The idea of “no contact” is not in my reality. We need both incomes, and this is a horrible time to get a new job. Still, she has only sent out a whopping four resumes in nearly seven months.

 

I don't care what the economy is, she keeps trying til she finds something. I don't care if she gets sick of job hunting. She is the one that did this to your relationship. She needs to sicken herself with sending out resumes til she vomits.

 

Honestly, I'd divorce her, but if you are wanting to stay with her, then getting a new job should be her top priority and the very least that she needs to do if she is serious about this marriage.(which I doubt otherwise she wouldn't be in an affair).

 

I'm not suggesting, unless you really don't need the money, that she quits first, but she keeps the job until she finds something else. She should send out 5 resumes a week. If she complains, tell her its either her sending out 5 resumes a week, or get one slip of paper informing her that she is about to become single.

 

 

She promised me from the very beginning that she would limit any and all conversations and contact with him to work-related things only.

 

All fine and dandy until she gets another job.

 

 

Of course, I have “stumbled upon” (i.e. – searched and found) instances, even very recently, of 100% personal dialogue and “connection” between the two of them--just in place they never assumed I'd find (work email she left up inadvertantly).

 

Tell her if it doesn't stop, you are going to meet up with this guy and have a face-to-face talk with him yourself.

 

But really, she lied again about the contact with him. Have you considered getting rid of her?

 

 

We have done so much damage to our relationship since I discovered things

 

No, SHE has done so much damage to your relationship.

 

 

mainly because I can’t get past the reality that they still see each other and talk to each other every day of the work week. It’s daily salt in the wound. I’ve told her that my broken heart has never had the humane environment to heal, and that’s the truth.

 

And what was her response? Ah, its no use really what she said, she still is in personal contact with him even after the discovery.

 

 

Okay, I’ll leave it at that. I could go on and on, of course, but that’s the gist of our situation. Our 20th anniversary is in May. We have two children, nine and eight years old.

 

Thats the worst part, she didn't give 2 sh#ts enough about her own children to be faithful to their father. and thats the kicker, if you 2 ever divorce, if she wants custody, she'll get it. The man gets the shaft unless the woman can be proven COMPLETELY unfit.

 

so the situation would be then, she cheats, you lose your children on a daily basis and have to pay her. nice huh?

 

 

I know the rote response from many will be a simple "she needs to leave her job!" I wish it were that easy, especially in this economy (she's used the economy as a big shield, even if it is valid to no small degree. But she's also said she's "in no emotional state" to find a new job. Four resumes in six months speaks volumes, I think.)

 

Yes, she DOES need to leave her job. Again, she doesn't have to quit her job until AFTER she finds another one. And if she doesn't find another one, then she keeps trying until she does find one. I don't care if 10 years from now she is still sending out resumes.

 

And no, 4 resumes in 6 months isn't sh#t. my figure of 5 a week was exaggerated. But she should be skimming the Sunday paper every week and sending out 1 resume a week. And no, I'm not joking. When I needed a job when I was young thats what I did, sent out 1 sometimes 2 or 3 resumes a week for months.

 

Sorry, 4 resumes in 6 months to me says she isn't trying hard enough and doesn't give a crap about her marriage.

[jj33]

Have you been to a divorce lawyer? I would go PDQ if I were you. You need to know what your rights are and what might happen if it does come to a custody fight.

 

I would consider whether you want to keep putting money in joint accounts. How do you know what she has planned?

 

Keep copies of any evidence you have of the affair. I know in most states there is no fault divorce and cheating isnt taken into consideration but you never know. She simply doesnt sound like she is motivated to stop the affair.

[taylor]

After nearly 20 years of marriage (we've been together since we were both 21), I was completely caught off guard by this, and totally destroyed. Obviously, part of my problem is that it took two full months for any sort of admission about her true feelings for OM, and the full-frontal attack of denial on her part, coupled with the continued daily contact between them, well, I guess I've just been shell-shocked from the very beginning. I'm truly numb, still, and it's this continued contact that has exascerbated this feeling. Oh, I've been angry as hell, called her a "liar" more times than I can count, and she does acknowledge that she has done wrong, though she also expresses the frustration that she can't believe that what she actually did has amounted to all of this (ie - it's my fault we are where we are, not hers). To her, it just wasn't--and isn't--that bad, though she recognizes that to me, it is horrible.

 

Yes, I agree that 4 resumes in 7 months is betrayal. Hell, WW's recent personal dialogue with OM not two weeks after admonishing OM to not call her cell phone because I found out was a monster slap in the face and did huge untold damage to the zero trust I had in her anyway.

 

The common denominator among almost all of the responses here seems to be that I'm not doing enough. I've yelled, screamed, withdrawn, humiliated her by finally telling others (after four long quiet months of keeping to myself, even with my parents, just to ****ing protect her because they think so highly of her (can we cuss here?), and she was fine with me keeping quiet and suffering because of it.) But I've been downright ugly to her, and now I've shamed and humiliated her by finally speaking to some of our friends and family. I didn't talk to others to shame and humilate her; I did it because I needed to talk to friends and family.

 

I guess what I haven't been is forceful enough. Maybe that stems from the only time, about two months ago, that I sort of laid down an ultimatum--sort of--almost a trial balloon--that I don't know how much longer I can take this, and she essentially told me that she's "this close" to calling it quits with the marriage. So I backed down a bit.

 

I definitely feel like I've got post traumatic stress or something from all of this.

 

Perhaps it's time her boss found out (or perhaps I use that as leverage for more action on her part; her boss finding out would devastate WW--she's second in command of 65 people. I'm sure her boss would be tickled pink to learn what was going on between her second-in-command (wife w/2 small kids) and the single British I.T. ("respectful, caring, gentle, he-gets-me, good listener, soulmate, knight in shining armor).

 

This is so freakin' hard! It's like a balancing act to do the right thing, you know. I'm not spineless, believe me. I just want to do the right thing. We've been together pretty much all our adult life. Two small kids. The problem is, the damage we've done to each other since my discovery probably exceeds now the damage done by the affair itself. That's f***ed up!!!

 

Five&Dime,

 

Your house sounds like a frickin war zone. There are NO signs of any real attempt at problem solving, understanding each other, or reconciliation. Neither one of you is approaching it the right way.

 

You have every right to be angry as hell at your wife. And I understand the fear you have of not wanting to lose her after 20 years of marriage, despite the EA.

 

But you have got to get this anger and fear under control. It is doing more damage than good. Vent away here or to the therapist or to trusted friends, but you need to get that anger under control around your wife.

 

Why?

 

Because your wife responds to your anger by lashing back at you...more fighting, screaming, angry words.

 

That's all you are BOTH doing is perpetuating WAR in your house. You are both out of control. Both of you are trying to gain control, usurp power from the other.

 

Don't get me wrong. I understand it. But it is not serving any purpose. It is hurting both of you in the end. And hurting your marriage more and more every day.

 

You are hurt and angry. You want to punish her, yet save your marriage at the same time.

 

Your wife, on the other hand, is trying to deal with powerful emotions she has for another man, not sure what direction she wants to go in.

 

You know she had the affair. Why spend endless hours trying to prove it over and over again?

 

She knows she had the affair. And she knows she still has feelings for this man. They aren't going to go away just because you found out, especially since she still works with him. It is unrealistic to expect this.

 

Your wife is addicted to this man and as long as she continues to see him or talk to him, he will feed her addiction.

 

You can't FORCE her to stop feeling what she feels as long as she is working with him, just like you can't force an alcoholic to stop wanting a drink when there are 10 shots lined up in front of him.

 

The only way your wife is going to have a chance of breaking this addiction is to leave her job. There is no way this affair will end until she does. So don't expect it to end until that happens.

 

Do you think your wife is deliberately not looking for another job so that she can continue the affair? Or is all the upheaval from the affair and the marital turmoil making it difficult for her to focus on looking for a job?

 

Do you really know what your wife wants?

 

You contradicted yourself in two previous posts. In one post you said the OM was just in it for fun and games. In another post you said he was emotionally involved with your wife as well.

 

Regardless of how vested the OM was in the affair, your wife has told you (you posted it twice) that she was more invested in the affair than he was. I believe her. She is probably trying to deal with this. I am sure she is very confused right now. She is probably trying to figure out why she has feelings for a man that doesn't feel the same way for her and why she betrayed her husband who loves her so much. It's alot to figure out.

 

And while she is trying to figure this out, you are bashing her over the head and running around telling everyone how she cheated on you.

 

Again, I understand this. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO. But, it is not helping the situation. The two of you are not working together to resolve the fallout of this affair.

 

I agree with posters who say MC would be a waste of time right now IF the goal is reconciliation.

 

But I believe MC, and definitely IC, would be beneficial to help you and your wife find a better way to communicate, a better way to approach the problems you are dealing with in the aftermath of the affair.

 

You two are not communicating effectively. You are at each others' throats, instead. Until you can both sit down and talk to each other in a calm, effective manner, you aren't going to solve anything.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

It sounds like ONE of you wants to restore the M - and that's a huge problem.

 

As long as your W continues her A, NOTHING you do will have any positive affect towards reconciliation. And as long as she works with her OM, the A continues. It's really that simple.

 

I know YOU want to work on your M but your W clearly does NOT. Her NOT quitting, no matter the reason, is the choice to place YOUR needs and YOUR well being last.

 

Time to make this real for her.

 

Sit her down and tel her EXACTLY how this is affecting you. Tell her in no uncertain terms you want and hope your M can survive (if that is true). Also tell her that the lies and secrecy are unacceptable and it MUST stop. She must unlock her email and she MUST resign tomorrow. She is incapable of working with her MM "as friends" - she proves it time and again. Yes, she will refuse. Then ask her to leave. Tell her you CANNOT live like that with her. She will likely refuse that too. So YOU leave. Take half the cash, your clothes and go. Go to an extended stay hotel - get a room for a month. Let her taste life w/o you. And this means NC with her EXCEPT in MC (obviously make an appt and communicate that to her).

 

This is divorce-lite. I KNOW you are not there yet - a flat out D. Time for you to spend time on your own, working on YOU and YOUR future. A future that may NOT include your W. Time for her to reflect on HER choices and what life is like w/o you.

 

She will NOT change unless she has a reason to. Right now, she has you and she has her lover. She has everything right now - the best of both worlds - her doting H and a lover. If she won't quit him and she won't quit you then YOU quit her. At least temporarily.

 

But she ISNT changing - so YOU do it for HER.

 

I know its HARD. I've been there in an almost identical situation.

 

You CAN make it. YOU can have her back. But its a fight. And it ain't easy.