Lost

[Britney23]

I am 21 years old and still live at home with my Dad. My studies are very demanding, so I cannot work very much so I cannot afford to move out. I'm stuck.

My dad constantly threatens to kick me out, or tells me "if you don't like it then move out". And it really upsets me to feel that I don't have a home, I dont really belong anywhere.

My dad acts as if I'm some drop-kick child and sit around at home doing nothing. I am studying law and have 2 casual jobs so I dont really understand why he has a go at me all the time and it just lowers my self-esteem.

 

Also, he has lots of days off from his work so is just bored and lonely at home most days. So when I get home he'll just start arguments or attack me about everything under the sun. An example from last night "have u heard from your boyfriend? He's probably cheating on you, I dont know why he'd want to be with you. Maybe you will get more work if you start dressing better, etc." My younger brother just adds even nastier comments and gangs up on me which is really annoying because when ever my dad starts on my brother I always stick up for him and try calm dad down.

 

I am an insecure and overly sensitive person and i think my dad has a lot to blame for this because of his behaviour. I know that its not good for me to live with him but I honestly don't know what to do. i try to change the topic and bring it on to him somehow but it never works, especially when you have two of them ganging up on me.

 

My mom already said I cant live with her, and I dont think me and my boyfriend are at that stage of the relationship yet and I dont want to put that kind of pressure on us.

 

If I try to reason with Dad or tell him to stop being nasty, his response is "if you dont like it then move out." then he will remind me that my mother doesnt want me and my boyfriend wouldnt put up with me for very long.

 

sorry i'm just really frustrated, emotional and needed to vent! any advice would be nice?

[norajane]

There are all kinds of roommate situations out there, especially near universities. You can get a room in an apartment with 1, 2, or 3 people, so it really minimizes the costs. Plus, a lot of apartments near campuses are cheap, so it's likely to cost much less than you think. And you split utilities, too, so that makes it even easier to manage. If you find a student center or coffee shop on campus, you'll probably be able to ask around to find out where there are postings for roommates wanted. Or you can check on Craigslist.com - I've found lots of apartments through craigslist, and they have listings for most larger cities.

 

I understand you can't work much, but you have to make a decision what's important to you and then make the necessary changes. If it's important to you to get out, then cut back on your classes a bit and work more. Yes, it will take you longer to graduate, but that's the trade-off for peace of mind. If it's more important to finish school at the pace you're going, and you can't afford to move into a roommate situation, then you have to learn to accept your living conditions and learn not to "hear" what your dad and brother are saying.

 

At the same time, it's obvious that your dad has issues, and you're right, he's probably lonely and bored and wishing he had someone in his life who loves him, like your bf loves you. I don't really know how to deal with parents who clearly aren't being supportive parents and who aren't behaving like adults, but I do know you should let whatever he says roll off your back and don't take it to heart. You may not be able to do anything to get him to stop, but try to remember he's speaking from a damaged place in his head and heart, and it has NOTHING to do with you and your worth. One day, he'll probably regret his words, but he's too damaged right now to see it.

[Hippie]

I am 21 years old and still live at home with my Dad. My studies are very demanding, so I cannot work very much so I cannot afford to move out. I'm stuck.

My dad constantly threatens to kick me out, or tells me "if you don't like it then move out". And it really upsets me to feel that I don't have a home, I dont really belong anywhere.

My dad acts as if I'm some drop-kick child and sit around at home doing nothing. I am studying law and have 2 casual jobs so I dont really understand why he has a go at me all the time and it just lowers my self-esteem.

 

Also, he has lots of days off from his work so is just bored and lonely at home most days. So when I get home he'll just start arguments or attack me about everything under the sun. An example from last night "have u heard from your boyfriend? He's probably cheating on you, I dont know why he'd want to be with you. Maybe you will get more work if you start dressing better, etc." My younger brother just adds even nastier comments and gangs up on me which is really annoying because when ever my dad starts on my brother I always stick up for him and try calm dad down.

 

I am an insecure and overly sensitive person and i think my dad has a lot to blame for this because of his behaviour. I know that its not good for me to live with him but I honestly don't know what to do. i try to change the topic and bring it on to him somehow but it never works, especially when you have two of them ganging up on me.

 

My mom already said I cant live with her, and I dont think me and my boyfriend are at that stage of the relationship yet and I dont want to put that kind of pressure on us.

 

If I try to reason with Dad or tell him to stop being nasty, his response is "if you dont like it then move out." then he will remind me that my mother doesnt want me and my boyfriend wouldnt put up with me for very long.

 

sorry i'm just really frustrated, emotional and needed to vent! any advice would be nice?

 

You really do have a problem. According to your post you seem to be trying to work things out. Brother dosen't seem to help.

 

How longer do you have in college?

 

Maybe you and some girlfriend(s) can get together and share a place. I did when I went to college.

 

Good luck.....

[Britney23]

Thank you both for your advice.

 

All my friends at college are happily living at home still and have no desire to move out, and I am a bit hesitant to move in with strangers, and it is fairly expensive where I am. I only have one year left until I finish so that's something positive.

 

Norajane your right about my Dad, i think he is suffering from depression or something because he is very moody. sometimes he is very angry and spiteful, and takes it on me and the people he supposedly loves, and other times he is depressed and tells me that he has nothing to live for anymore, etc. And then other times he is kind and helpful and nice. So yes he does have a lot of issues and I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. But it is still hard living with him and dealing with his moods, especially when he tries to bring you down and yells and swears at you and threatens to kick you out every second day.

 

I spoke to my boyfriend and he said I could move in with him and pay only what I could afford. However, he lives with his friend whose name is on the lease and I dont think he would like the idea very much. Another thing is we have only been together for a year and this is my first serious relationship so I dont want to rush into moving in together for the wrong reasons because I am scared it wont end well. Should I? Or is that something I have to decide for myself?

[norajane]

You should never move in with a guy because you're running away from a problem, or for financial reasons.

 

The ONLY reason you should move in with a guy is because both of you want to live together, are ready to, and are committed to your relationship and want to take it further.

 

Him having a roommate who owns the lease is a big reason not to move in there - will make things very awkward for you, and you probably won't have a space to study privately anyway.