Insufferable Sister - end of my rope

[HaleyK]

I am 22, and have a fraternal twin sister. She has had clinical depression since the age of about 14, and she had struggled a lot (leaving home, expelled from school, abusive boyfriends etc etc). Well she calmed down a lot in the past few years and we finally developed a friendship. We even started going out together, and I would say that these were some of the best nights I have ever had. We started talking about moving out together last year, and things looked really good.

 

However, for some reason this year has been completely different. She has always been short tempered and volatile, but I'm feeling the effects even more now that I am now emotionally close to her. I'm quite a strong willed person myself but I have no choice but to back down whenever she flares up, because there's just no reasoning with her. I'm not saying that she doesn't have genuine grievances, but she overreacts and flies off the handle whenever something doesn't go her way. It is almost unbearably frustrating! For example, it is our mother's 50th next week and we agreed to get her tickets to the theatre and an overnight stay in the city. Well i called my sister this morning to confirm things before I sent my credit card details, and she got angry with me for calling her at work. I got defensive and she ended up hanging up on me, sending me an email saying she was no longer going in with me on the present. I am so upset that i wont be able to give my mum a special bday present because of my sister's short-sighted selfishness.

 

I also became somewhat socially dependant on her and now all she wants to do is go away to the country every other weekend, rather than to bars and parties like we used to. It may be selfish, but I don't understand why she is throwing away her early 20s on things she can do in her 40s - now is the time to go out and be reckless because we both start full time work next year. In any case, I have made a concerted effort to organise nights out with her up to a month in advance. Yet she still continuously stuffs me around by throwing a tantrum at the last minute and refusing to go (over things as trivial as clothes or make up), or creating a drama mid-week and refusing to communicate with me at all. I have other friends that I can go out with but it was just so much easier and more fun with her.

 

I don't know what to do. I guess it's not within my control, but I am finding it hard to seperate myself from her after disovering how great it could be to have an actual relationship. It's not all bad... but I just don't understand why things can't be normal between us.

[midori]

Your sister has a clinical condition, which you are obviously familiar with. It probably means that she is going to be, well, moody for the rest of her life. Hopefully it won't get too bad and be a completely disruptive force in her life.

 

But she's the one with the problem. Nowhere is it written that the loved ones of depressed/moody people have to tolerate rudeness and irrational anger. She gets upset, stay away from her. Don't come near until she has calmed down and unless she has apologized. It's not something you should have to put up with.

 

It does seem like you're overly dependent upon her. What's up with that? It sounds like you've been getting signals for a while from her that she's not as excited about the party scene as you are. So why are you pushing it on her? Doesn't matter how far in advance you graciously make plans for the two of you -- if they're not plans she's keen to take part in, you can't reasonably expect her to go along just because you gave her a month's notice.

 

Who are you to decide what is appropriate for people in their 20's to be doing? You want to go out -- fine, go out! Have a blast. Don't assume that just because you want to do something, that it's the norm and your sister's wish to do something else is aberrant.

 

It sounds like the two of you are close in some ways, but not fully compatible. You don't like doing the same things all the time; but you don't seem able to respect her individuality. She doesn't seem to be able to keep her temper in check. Probably living together isn't the best idea.

 

Why not act individually: make your own social plans, find a group of like-minded friends and hang out with them when you're in party mode. You can extend a standing invitation to your sister to join whenever she likes; but obviously your plans are with other people and won't be changed to suit your sister.

 

You've had evidence that planning things jointly with her (e.g. your mum's b-day) isn't good because you can't rely on her. So don't. Don't come up with ideas whose execution requires her participation. Get your mum something you can afford by yourself. Maybe you'll just take her to dinner, the two of you.

 

I can see that your feelings are hurt, but it doesn't sound like this is all your sister's fault. It sounds like you've been ignoring her cues that she'd like to have more space than you've been giving her. That doesn't excuse her rudeness of course. But you need to respect her wishes.