Techguy382003 Posted September 30, 2003 Share Posted September 30, 2003 From february to august I was dating a woman who is separated and near finalizing her divorce. When the time came for the final stages of the divorce, she began to withdraw. I discovered that she was pursuing other relationships via a web dating site. When I discussed it with her she denied it. I didn't handle this well, and sent her an email saying that I couldn't handle this and good luck. I regreted that the following day and attempted to see her, but she refused to answer the door or phone or talk to me. Eventually thru a few emails she talked to me but refused to discuss why she had withdrawn and what she was upset about. It took about 3 weeks to get her to tell me what the problem was. Many of the problems she named are minor and easily correctable or in some cases inaccurate, but all basically point to her feeling that I did not make her feel good about herself. Most of this came as a surpise to me. During the time in which she wasn't speaking to me, I attempted to reach her with a series of emails discussing everything about our relationship, my hopes, my guesses about our problem areas and suggested solutions to all of it and my commitment to resolving our problems through communication. But, she would have none of it. I've been advised that she is probably in the middle of a personal crisis related to the divorce, her several children and her emotional turmoil. I understand all of this, but I still felt it important to get everything out in the open. Including my desire to pursue a long term relationship, and marriage. While her issues with me were focused on her feelings, she has also made references to not being able to give me what I want (?) and not feeling that I could handle dealing with her kids. I've made a strong attempt to insulate myself from the older children who are aware of the divorce since she was pushing very hard to put me into the role her ex had. I felt this was terribly premature. To top it off, she is about 10 years younger, less experienced, and very anxious in general. Now, I know that getting involved so quickly after a separation was probably not a good idea. But I'm looking for input for now rather than then. I love her dearly and I want a long term relationship, marriage etc. We've known each other for years, and I've felt this way for years as well. Until she separated, I never told her of my feelings and never really expected anything to come of it. She seems to want to retain a friendship, as do I. But it is terribly difficult for me. She however seems to have a strong desire to be friends, and only friends. After ome prodding she has confirmed that she really does not want me to pursue her. Now I've been advised that she may reconsider once her stress abates some. This is hard to see from my point of view. We do not currently work together but may in the near future. She chats with me online and via telephone regularly, and while she is civil and talkative, she is somewhat cold in a calculate sort of way. So, my question is what exactly is she going thru now? What is the psychology? Is my being a readily accessible good friend a positive or negative for her? for the possible continuation of our relationship? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
LadyX Posted September 30, 2003 Share Posted September 30, 2003 It's not a good idea to get involved with someone straight out of another relationship. She hasn't even had the chance to get to know herself as a single woman yet. I assume she wants to experience life, without becoming so emotionally involved right away. Do yourself a favor. Seek a woman who emotionally available. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted September 30, 2003 Share Posted September 30, 2003 You can't force someone to love you. She has already stated that she wants a friendship only. Coming out of a marriage she is likely to go through bouts of dependence and lonliness and if you are close to her she will lean on you and probably send you a LOT of mixed signals. Sounds like she may not even know what she wants for herself and will change her mind, and her heart, frequently. I'm sorry that you are getting crushed in the storm, but you might want to back off completely for a while before you become a fall-back guy when she is feeling lonly or rejected by others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Techguy382003 Posted September 30, 2003 Author Share Posted September 30, 2003 LadyX thanks for the hindsight and the advice. I'm not quite ready to write her off just yet. Hokey, thanks. I realize I can't force her. I've only been trying to force her to communicate with me her reasons and now she has. You are right about the mixed signals. She has been pulling away when things (I) get too emotional and then returning within a couple days to try to keep the friendship. So I know she want that. She has also said that she still has feelings and misses "us", but that she just can't continue as we were. I am backing off now (finally), but I do very much want to maintain the friendship we had before all of this. We were very good friends and get along very well. The fall back guy thing is a very good point. Do you mean sever all contact? Or just not try to interact romantically? I have all the answers I wanted from her about why she is upset, and she has heard everything I have to say, but now we are communicating at a different, very superficial level. I expect this will change as her comfort level with me improves. At least I hope it will. My main concern is if being around her as a friend, without any sort of involvement, will make things harder for her or if it would be supportive. Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted September 30, 2003 Share Posted September 30, 2003 HI. My opinion? You might really want a long term relationship with this woman but there is one, rather significant problem in your way --- she is still married! Separated is not divorced. Divorced is divorced. Until she is divorced (papers in hand and on her own) she is not available, (unless you are looking for an affair, in which case, only you can choose to go that route) If you really think she is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, tell her so ... but also tell her you will call her 6 months after her divorce is final. I know, I know, that seems impossible or forever, but until she is completely independent (quite possibly for the first time in her life) she will probably continue to come to you in friendship and for comfort and then withdraw again and again. Give her time to experience being single (including surviving all the difficult "firsts" of being divorced -- such as her first "single" Christmas, her "first" New Year's and so on. If it is truly meant to be, this is the best gift you could give her. Otherwise, you might always wonder if you were a "rebound love" or doubt her feelings for you in the months and years to come. Not the advice you want to hear, I'm afraid. But hopefully something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Techguy382003 Posted October 1, 2003 Author Share Posted October 1, 2003 On the contrary Kay, excellent advice. The divorce is final within the month now. But you're right, it ain't over till the final lady sings. However I really do believe she has no intentions of reconciling with the husband. Her road up to the separation was long and difficult and the separation came after a mental turning point. And you're right it does seem impossible and forever. The comment about "including surviving all the difficult "firsts" of being divorced" is a very good point. Since she has been married for a long time and from a young age, all the more so. I've accepted that I have to wait and that even after waiting nothing may ever come of it. But maintaining the friendship is something I want to do, even it if puts me in harm's way for awhile. I'm resolved now to let her take the lead in how to proceed. God willing we'll both be happy in the long run - however it turns out. Link to post Share on other sites
skippy Posted October 3, 2003 Share Posted October 3, 2003 Did you get "I think your a nice guy and everything" routine? If so, it's a lost cause. That phrase is the number one tell tail from all women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Techguy382003 Posted October 8, 2003 Author Share Posted October 8, 2003 No, I got this: "Look I never intended for things to end up this way. I miss the way things used to be. but I need to move on now. I am dealing with a ton of stuff. And now I ask you to please understand and just be a friend to me. " She is constantly chatting with me online, but is now seeing someone else. I don't care about that. I know she needs to experiment a little and sows some oats. She was married for 10 years and with the same guy most of her life. I am willing to wait for her. But it's just so damn difficult. I had started to look at her as my future wife and now that's all gone. I can't move on to someone else. I'm still too much in love with her. She's chatting (online) regularly with someone else, but still chatting with me as well. She also really wants me to work with her (where I used to work and where we met). This is ok with me, but is still up in the air. On top of which, if I do go back I have to see her everyday and listing to her chattinf It's been two months since she started pulling away. And six weeks since we've been together. She's seen me in person twice since then. And chatted with me 4-5 times a week. I've been carefull over the last few weeks not to push her, or make any requests of her and to be there for her in any way I can. This is tearing my soul in half. My stress level is thru the roof and I've dropped 30 pounds (which I needed to do anyway). With time, the pain should lessen. But this ongoing contact, while desirable is extremely stressful. I know there's nothing I can do but wait or move on. God help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lester Posted October 13, 2003 Share Posted October 13, 2003 I can feel for you. I know what its like to be so in love with someone and then them tell you they dont love you but I can not feel sorry for you. Until the divorce is final she is still a married lady so that makes this nothing more than a cheating affair. I am currently separated from my wife and have made it very clear to all the horny men around that I better not hear of one of them sniffing around my wife. She is still my wife until the papers are signed and the same goes for your so called girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Techguy382003 Posted October 14, 2003 Author Share Posted October 14, 2003 Well good for you. But really, no one comes to a site like this for your morals lectures. You are also confusing legal terms with moral terms. Some churches don't even recognize a legal divorce as valid and require an annullment. You might want to pursue that. It will give you a reason to continue the lectures after the legal papers are signed. I suggest you give the speech to your ex-wife where it will do some good (or not) No doubt your strict attention to the letter of the law is contributing to your unhappiness. While I agree with what you are saying in principal, each situation has its own circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
delia88 Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Hi, I was just checking to see how everything turned out? I am also seeing someone who is about to be divorced. I hope you are well. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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