19 years old... suffering for 3 years from unrequited love

[StrikeFreedom]

I've chosen to post here because I cannot help but feel like I need to turn to someone about this.

 

I've been suffering for 3 years almost and I'm being destroyed emotionally and mentally.

 

My story is complicated... I don't know what details are important but I'm going to try my best to describe whats happened between me and a girl I feel like I deeply love...

 

 

I was 16 and we happened to have a few classes together in the 2nd last year of high school. I didn't take an instant liking to her as far as I remember... we talked a lot on MSN Messenger because she was away from school sick for a month or so close to after we met. She was very inviting and friendly to me and I believe I started falling for her because I never really got this kind of treatment from a lot of girls. Eventually when she came back to school we tried talking and hanging out and we had a lot of fun together.

 

However during all this, one of my newly made friends always use to join us. And eventually they started to flirt heavily with each other. This discouraged me and I became very jealous and bitter. Eventually, 6 months passed from our meeting and I found it in my self to ask her out, she declined saying he wasn't ready for a relationship because of how her last one ended. After that, we talked to each other the next day on like we always did before... however little did I know that only a month later, her and my friend grew close and began to like each other, and eventually came to dating for a week... until he took off going back to his old girl friend. A week or so after, school started again and although I felt distant I tried my best to keep talking to her and keep our *friendship* going. But we became distant until Christmas started coming up. We were talking to each a lot, she seemed to enjoy my company and I was happy. Eventually though, during a hang out with her, myself, and another one of my random friends... my friend grabbed her and kissed her in my room.... I became so angry... but there was more anger then sadness at this point.

 

 

I just realized how long this story will be. I'm sorry I bring in so much detail but a lot of emotions get brought up as I wright this and I cannot help it. I will try to shorten it but so much has happened.

 

I told her I had feelings for her that night once we got to be alone. She smiled, gave me a big hug and told me we would talk about it the next day. We never did, and on New Years eve I hung out with her and my friend again. My friend kissed up on her all night, at this point I was heart broken, and during the new years count down they had a big kiss and as I watched I felt destroyed. I had never felt such pain or despair before. It was insane.

 

END OF YEAR 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

Year two begins. After this event, some tense months and dramatic events at school took place between the three of us and she ended up leaving the guy a month or two into the 2nd semester. Also, my old friend and her 1 week boyfriend from the summer came back to school during this time. They started spending a lot of time together again. I told her I still wanted to be with her, but she said she was so bitter about everything right now and didn't want to be with anyone. It was close to the end of the semester and I couldn't get her off my mind. She never me, and the jealous of my two friends having a chance to be with her before ate me up inside. I got advice from one of my friends to just randomly try and kiss her one day or tell her how I feel. I went with the 2nd option and she told me she wanted to wait till a less stressful time to talk about us because of exams going on so I waited. I waited almost a month and then summer started. We never talked, I kept getting told we would but kept getting let down. Eventually I became so depressed and done in by this... the summer went on and we barely stayed in contact because she spend most of her time hanging with her friend/ex-bf from the last summer. We both went back for an extra school year.... but we when met up on the first day of school and saw her I broke down because it had been so long since I had seen her and I tried getting everything I wanted to say out to her in the middle of the school hallway.

 

This lead us to a situation which finally messed me up to the point where regardless of how painful it was I had to leave her alone. She told me I was scaring her and creeping her out with my extremely desperate and emotional actions that have been going on since the summer to the awkward confrontation at school. I dropped out of my extra school semester the day after because I was so affected by this I knew I wouldn't be able to handle school. We avoided each other until February of the next year.

 

END OF YEAR 2

 

 

Year 3 begins. This year of 2009. Some MSN messages are exchanged and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me or try working anything out. A week later I wake up to a facebook message saying she had thought about what I said and she thought it would be a great idea if we started hanging out again. That moment made me very happy, but I was in for another very crippling and depressing emotional time. After that MSG, a few weeks went by with us talking on MSN like friends again... but we hadn't hung out. Eventually I popped the question of when I'd get to see her, and she would reply sometime soon when shes not busy with school. However a few more weeks passed after and I really was breaking under the extreme waiting I had to do to see the girl I love. She never came to see me though, and although we fought a lot about it because I let her know often how angry I was we made up too and did this countless times until the summer started. Eventually we hit another big and messed up argument and I took it too far because of how messed up and heart broken I was about her false hope all year. Eventually, after sending her a MSG we started talking again and having conversation. It was obvious things at this point were awkward, but I popped the question again of when we would hang out and do something. I wasn't ever given a straight answer... and after a few more months passed, through all mess of it all, we met up again. Things have gone..... for the lack of a better word........... fantastic since then. We've hung out quite a few times, we laugh and have a lot of fun together. Sometimes we even flirt with each other. I was finally feeling like I was getting over the crippling past. During one of our hangouts, I was holding her close to me during a conversation... and the moment practically seemed to tell me to finally try giving her a kiss. I didn't however, I waited till she was leaving and tried to give her one as I hugged her before she was going to leave to go home. I was denied a kiss however.... and was told a few days later it was only because she wasn't single right now. I found out she had been dating her friend/my old friend from the 1st summer since October 2008. Since then... I've been sent back to the hell I was in during all the other painful moments I've had with her.

 

 

 

 

This is my story... I don't know what kind of impression it gives off to you readers but I assure you, the pain and sickening feeling that I've been feeling almost constantly for these last 3 years is destroying me. I've become on the inside a very miserable person because of everything that has happened.

 

I want to make some things clear however. I understand first of all that she is her own person and if she doesn't and or never will feel the same way about me, or even give us a chance to ever try being together... it's her choice.

 

I understand that she may not be *the one* or even because I love her that if we ever got together... it would work out. But I assure all of you, I love this girl with all my heart. I want to do my best right now to keep our friendship together until the day may come that I may get my chance. But seeing her while knowing she has a bf tortures me. Thinking about the fact I might live my life without ever knowing what it's like to share a kiss with her kills me. Past events make me feel that... even if we got together..... everything is spoiled for me now. I've been turned down and ditched so many times because she hasn't felt the same way and I've always been wanting her.

 

 

No girl who I've bin with or has come in and out of my life in these past years makes a difference in how I feel. Seeing other people doesn't change my feelings or help me cope. Having the girl I love in my life as a friend doesn't help. Achieving other good things in life doesn't help.

 

I'm currently back to being depressed again. Constant day-dreaming and negative thinking about the future. And now whenever I see her I can't act naturally or myself since I got the news of her bf.

 

 

 

 

I don't know what to do.... I'm in pain, it's been going on forever. And although we are not together and I've never told her I love her or what I went through... I cannot let this girl go. We're close right now.... it would destroy me completely if I were to lose her now. And I don't want to... it's not her fault I feel this way about her but I feel like it's not my fault either. I cannot help but feel the way I feel. I'm stuck and I have no where to go for now.

[Chimera1]

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago. I also had a crush on my best friend. It all started when I was 14, now I'm 20. She was in my class, and I saw her every day. In that periode of 4 years she had dated 3 or 4 guys, but I kept having a crush on her. It went almost the same way as in your story. At some point I told her how I felt about her, she held my hand, she gave me a hug. A few months after that she kissed my best mate, and my best mate stabbed me in the back, he knew everything about how I felt about her but he started dating her. I said to myself, it is my own fault, if I had taken some action sooner I would be with her. They dated for 2weeks and I became close with her again. Then highschool ended.

 

She went to college, I almost went to the same college, but changed my mind. This was the point where I saved myself. I slowly cuted off all contact. And it is true what they say: out of sight, out of mind. Sure, that doesn't happen all in one day. I had some weak moments where i contacted her. On her birthday I wore a T-shirt I made with: I'm your present, take me home.

Very very painfull.. She made out with a guy the same evening and they were a couple for a year.. Then i broke all strings which connected me to her and now I am over her. I had a girlfriend, I opened my eyes and saw there are other people out there to.

Now we are friends, nothing more nothing less..

 

If she really wanted you, wouldn't you have been together by now?

--> A friend said this to me, it was shocking but i opened my eyes..

[ans562]

I went through almost the exact same situation as you back when I was in high school. I was completely head over heels in love with this girl. Eventually I got sick of the way that she made me feel and just stopped talking to her. Cut her off completely, never called her again. She is good friends with my sister still and last year she actually told me that she very much missed me and loved me more than I would ever know. It was nice to hear, but you know what, after being so far removed from it, I realized just how wrong she was for me and I have no interest in her at all now. I am 24 now so it all happened a long time ago, but take my word for it, remove yourself from the situation and maybe she will one day realize what she missed out on. If you still feel the same then maybe there is a chance. Just give yourself some time to heal. Make plans, go on a trip, move to a new state or city. Just concentrate on getting yourself back again.

[StrikeFreedom]

I've done some research on this subject and the other mental issues I've been facing while all this has been going on. I understand the advice you've offered me but I'm sorry to say it's not that simple for me at this point.

 

 

I was doing a lot of drugs near the start of this whole mess... I was also over weight and did a lot of reckless things. I've come far since then however. I haven't done any drugs in almost 2 years now... I've lost a lot of weight and made working out and training in MMA one of my main hobbies. I've done so much and worked so hard to get where I am right now... but all this time I've never had any success with getting over this girl. I'm drained now.... I really am. I don't know how much longer I can keep pushing myself. Something drastic has to happen to me now or else I think I'm just going to give up on everything. I have to wake up everyday knowing I'm depressed... knowing I've been in love for 3 years and taken nothing but incidental abuse over it because I am unable to settle for a friendship with a girl I love very much. I'm sick of working so hard and enduring this hell everyday only to never have more then a tiny momment of happiness.

 

There is still so much more to life then this crap... I'm at the age where responsiblities are going to start weighing heavily on my life and those I love. If I stay as weak as I am right now.. I'm going to let my loving family down and I'm going to acomplish nothing. If I stay the way I am... people are going to suffer... no one is going to gain anything from me being the way I am. If the girl I love ever chooses to be with me... how will I ever be strong enough to hold our relationship together?

 

I refuse to turn to drugs, I refuse to give up.... but if I have to wake up another 3 years from now to see that nothing has changed and to live down I've wasted so many years I don't know what I'll do with myself... this is not a life I can bare to live.