Friendsfirst Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and would like to tell you my situation and get all of your inputs. There are a ton more details than I will put on here so any piece of the puzzle you think I am leaving out just please ask. My wife and I have been married 2 years, together for 6, and friends for 2 years before that. I am 31, she is 25 and have been together since she was 18. We are currently separated although not legally. She is still living in the house and I have been staying with my sister for the past two weeks. We both agree that our personalities are very compatible. However... Without going into all the lengthy details (although I will if you ask)…my wife has had a fair amount of problems with my family, especially my Dad, and rightfully so. He is an extremely hard man to get along with, he likes to play games, he’s mean, and he’s extremely judgmental. I also think that he has trouble welcoming our spouses into the family as I think he sees them as a threat. We (more so me) made the mistake of buying our house right around the corner from him as well as my sister and her family. The tension has gotten to be unbearable and has made so many changes in us that we are now to the point of legal separation. My wife says she is very tired of trying to impress my family and please them enough so that she feels welcome and part of the family. I have become extremely tense all the time as I don’t know what they are going to do next that will upset her and that in itself has made us grow very distant. Both our affection as well as our romantic life has gone away and we now feel more like roommates. She feels as though through all her troubles with my family she has lost her own identity and now wants to re-find that. I think that is great but I don’t want us to grow apart in the meanwhile. I would like to do this with her so that we can grow together. I understand her desire to separate and get away from it all but at the same time I don’t want to throw away such a compatible and fun relationship. Just this past weekend we spent Sunday together, we went to the local boat show and then dinner. We had a great time and even had a long awaited for romantic kiss when I dropped her off that she said gave her butterflies. I am more than willing to sell the house and even move away if that’s what’s right for us. I will do whatever it takes and even though times have been tough I think deep down we are still in love with each other. But now we are at crossroads and we both feel like its 90% due to outside sources and not our own. Has there been too much damage done by my family? Can she ever look at me again and see just me and our relationship, and not focus on all the negative things they have said and done? Is that fair to her to expect her to put up with them and not have in-laws that give her the same respect? Again…anything I am leaving out just please ask… Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I am more than willing to sell the house and even move away if that’s what’s right for us. Has there been too much damage done by my family? What will it take for you to be ready to admit that moving away WILL be the "right thing" for your marriage? (If it's not too late to save your marriage, that is.) As to whether or not the damage that's been done BY YOU, is repairable or irreparable -- she is the only one who knows. Have the conversation with her, and ASK her what she will need to see from you that will let her know that you've found your spine, and you value YOUR RELATIONSHIP enough to grow up and away from your family of origin. YOU stood by and watched this happen. Do not minimize or deny your own role in the mess. I also can't imagine that she is going to be to anxious or impressed to hear that you're just going to continue to blame the situation on everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Friendsfirst Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Thanks for the response...let me just clarify that I am not one who needs to be that close to my family. In fact I very rarely talk to my Mom or Dad. We only bought the house where we did because of affordability. We wanted a house a bit bigger than a shoe box and this was the area we could afford it. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 we both feel like its 90% due to outside sources and not our own. That's your problem. When you can say it's 90% due to inside sources, then you will have the strength to take action. It's always easy to point the source of one's problems to outside factors. Moving away sets up a physical boundary, but that may not necessarily fix your problem. The solution you are looking for is to learn how to set emotional boundaries especially with your dad. I'm not saying it is easy to do, but that is where you need to focus your attention. Research the topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Friendsfirst Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 I understand what you are saying and I certainly need to do something more with him. Believe me we have had it out about the way he treats her and yet he still plays games, throws jabs and makes snide little remarks. He has set the family up so that it is wrong in every way to upset him or disagree with him. It turns into a family affair instead of just a simple argument... Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 we have had it out about the way he treats her and yet he still plays games, throws jabs and makes snide little remarks. He will never change. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can focus on a solution. The only thing you can do is change the way you respond to him. You do that by setting up emotional boundaries. It turns into a family affair instead of just a simple argument... Your job is make sure things never even get to the "simple argument" stage. He probably thrives on arguments so he will do whatever he can to provoke them includng playing games, throwing jabs and snide little remarks. Those are all tactics he has learned over the years to push your and your wife's buttons. Whatever he needs to do so that he can feel in control or superior, he will do it. The way you avoid even a "simple argument" is to essentially agree to disagree and move on. You don't have to completely shut him out of your life, but you must refuse to engage him when any discussion starts heading down the path of any type of argument. If you enjoy debates or arguments, do that with someone else, not him because you will never win. Link to post Share on other sites
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