LoveAlwaysJami Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Hi everyone! Well lets start by saying I work a lot (11+ hours a day) and my husband is a 3rd shift coal miner. I work 7AM to 6:30PM and he works 9PM to 9AM. He sleeps until 8PM most nights. We've always had disagreements about pornography and I've come here for help. I don't know how to approach it other than how I already have and it's not working. I used to find it on his computer and then he started being more careful and deleting it. And then last night I found magazines hidden in a drawer that I normally don't get into. I thought about all of the things I could do (like tearing it in shreads and throwing it on the bed, counters, sink, laundry room to see if maybe she could clean too, then my husband wouldn't need me at all!) but instead calmly threw them away. I told him this morning that I threw them away and here was our conversation. Me: I threw away the mags, sry Him: I guess I will just have to use my imagination then Me: Or how about maybe using your wife? Him: Because she's too busy Now this was a lot longer but this is the just of it. No, I don't have a lot of time with him, but when I do he's just waking up and grouchy. He hasn't hit on me since we were married last year. To be honest, there isn't any attraction for either of us it seems like. Im only 23 years old but I know this isn't right. Some people are okay with it, I am not. It makes me sad to think he's imagining being with other people. It's very close to cheating in my eyes. And I'm so lonely anyway, I sleep alone everynight, I wake up alone, I cry in the shower... I've never been this lonely in my life. I think that he doesnt want me sexually because he's already been pleased by the girl in the magazine. Its confusing because I think Im a very attractive girl. Lots of guys ask me out, flirt with me but I've stayed true to my husband. Now he wants nothing to do with me and he defends the pornography. Do I have any hope? Does anyone know how to talk to him to make him understand? I feel like Im dying a little inside... Link to post Share on other sites
polola303 Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Sorry to read your story... I know exactly how you feel, how lonely and sad you must feel. I went through the same thing with my ex, I ended up leaving him, it has only been 3 weeks but I definately feel much better now that I'm alone, but not lonely. It took a great toll on my self steem and self image, I still can't understand why he would prefer porn than to be with me, but I try to keep that out of my mind as much as possible. I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Also, is there any way to figure out a way for you guys to spend more time together? Try to get the spark back in your relationship, go out on fun dates and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 My take is that you guys have to find a schedule that works better for your relationship...I think one of you or both, need to find a new job/career. The porn is just a symptom of the overall disconnect in your relationship, which stems from the lack of time spent together. He needs to do his part by working harder on the relationship now...But I think your marriage has a better chance if you guys are going to bed at the same time and getting home from work at the same time. Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Can either of you do anything about your working hours? I personally wouldn't blame him... sex just after waking just doesn't work for a lot of people, and when he's horny you aren't there. Ditto in your case. Besides, as gopher says, you both have so little contact... less even than many people in LDRs! That will definitely cause a lot of problems in the future unless you fix that root issue IMO. Or is it just a temporary thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 Porn isn't the problem, your schedule is. Even people with healthy sex lives regularly choke the chicken to porn and it's perfectly natural. Normally, porn is only a problem when it is being used to excess and is harming your sex life. But, again, the problem seems to be your schedule, not the porn. If he stopped looking at porn (yeah right), you'd still never have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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