LDR Over but what about...

[NCdude]

ITS A LONG STORY IF YOU DONT WANNA READ IT JUST READ THE LAST SUMMARIZED PARAGRAPH.

 

I've known this girl for 4 years. Only the last 2 years were getting into a deep relationship. All 4 years, almost never 1 day without talking. All 4 years were Long distance though. We talked all the time from the time we met then just over the course of 4 years got very close. We probably only argued like 5 times and everytime we fixed it soon after. two were bad and ended in a bit of bad words but were fixed by the next morning with appologizing. we were perfect together. We were each others priority. We knew we were gonna make this happen, take it to the next level, when we were able to. Barely any hiccups through the relationship, we were content with each other and had no desires for anyone else. The last year of the relationship she visted, we loved the mess out of each other. We had sex and basically knew we were just going to wait til it was possible to take it further by one of us moving. Things were better than ever after that, we didnt even think we coudl get closer but we did. however...About 4 months after she visited, things got weird. We talked less and I could tell something was wrong. There was someone at my highschool (12th grade) that I thought was... interesting, so when things got weird with us, I didnt wanna pass up and oppourtunity with this girl just b/c of a girl that things are getting messed up with and shelives far aways anyways. I know that sounds horrible, but yeah. I did love her alot and as bad as I am, the girl in highschool was just sort of to keep me occupied. I would drop any girlfriend in a heartbeat to be with the LDR girl. Well, i told her the LDR girl i started dating someone, she got mad and we didnt talk. Soon after, like 1 month, during the summer the highschool girl broke up with me and the LDR girl was already dating a new guy. Turns out this was what was actually "getting weird" with us. She was liking that guy and talking to me less. This is all understandable as thats what happens in LDR's... people that are actually near you start looking attractive since you cant have a full relationship in the LDR.

 

Anyways I was bitter towards her b/c i missed her and i didnt get nearly as much attention and I was extremely jealous. not justified b/c i did it too for a bit, but If she came to me like i did to her, i woulda broke up with the highschool girl. She wasnt going to do that for me. She did feel bad for me though, but gave pessimistic excuses like... it wouldnt have worked anyways and Its too hard with you not being here. So we stopped talking a bunch, jus the occasional stuff. Then maybe like maybe a few days out of each month we'd have a stretch of days where we talked like crazy cause we missed each other. It just went in cycles.

 

Well I keep hoping she will break up with him. I know if she isnt dating anyone, I am her main priority, now that I am in college I can easily transfer to a college near her. I jus wish she'd break up with him then we'd get attached again and I'd go. Anyways, they dont get along all the time and she talks to me more when he isnt around, then ignores me a good bit when he is. She knows she does it, and would stop if i told her, but i allow it. She got so close to losing him recently and me and her got slow close, but they fixed the problem and blah. Anyways, she says she wants to visit sometime and I know things will go good if she does. She wont let me visit now b/c she says itll be too weird and her bf will get too bad and she wont know what to do with me while im there.

 

my main question is, I'm dying lol.... what do i do? We text a decent bit now and she jus acts like a great friend with the occasional flirt depending on her mood and how long its been since she hung out with her bf. We are good friends, we still get on the webcam on occasion, and she jus acts like everything is great and normal, so do i, we really enjoy each others company (talking anyways) but it kills me. Everytime we talk a good bit, i miss her so much. The longest break ive been able to take from her was 1 month. When i came back i could tell she missed me a ton, we were on the phone for 5 hours. got my hopes up.. got shot down.

 

So yeah, i think if she breaks up with him, we will get close again then i can go visit her or she can come visit me and we can go from there, hopefully ending in me transfering and things going wherever they go.

 

but like i said its killing me, while i wait for her to break up with him. But i dont wanna make it better b/c by making it better I will have to not talk to her for a long time and im too scared I'll lose her completely or any chance of getting her back later. I feel like there is a good chance for later on and i dont wanna ruin that. I want her to be the one i marry, we used to even talk about it alot as it being a future fact. , i love the mess out of her, everything about her.

 

 

 

TOO LONG? DIDNT READ?

Known her for 4 years, serious for 2 years. The whole relationship, i hesitate to say we went one day without talking. We were very close, loved the mess out of each other, she visited, we did everything lol but now....We broke up cause we both tried other relationships later on, She is still with him and i get way less attention now except for sometimes we talk a ton if we havent ina while. I'm single. I miss her, we are good friends, she misses me if we dont talk for a while. She is like a rollercoaster with me going from good friend to flirty again depending on how her and her BF are doing. I know we will get close again when they break up, she knows it too. but for now its killing me, we talk like good friends and all but it hurts me so much cause i want her and miss her. On good days we even still get on the webcam when we're bored. Thats painful when we get off, haha makes me miss her even more. The only way to stop the pain is to leave her for a while, but Im too scared I'll mess up the chance of something between us later. When she leaves him and we get close agaian, which i know we will and she knows it too, I'll be able to transfer to her college or one nearby. What do i do? Tough it out? or Risk ruining my chance for us to get together later? I really love this girl, everything about her and she is the one i want.

 

If you have any questions, please ask. If i left anythign out that would help or anything like that.

 

Thanks =)

[NCdude]

If my grammar is too bad in that, let me know. I may retype it I typed it really fast since I have to study. I have a test tomorrow but I couldn't get it off my mind so I went ahead and threw it up on this board. Eventually, I was going to do so anyways, but doing it now got it off my mind so I could study

 

 

EDIT:

I forgot to add this in the first post it is a very important aspect.

 

 

They do have sex. Her and her new BF. This makes me feel like he is some form of a physical escape for her. obviously our relationship lacked that since we couldnt see each other very often. I feel like she got frustrated, as did I but I didnt go off and have sex. Im scared she is getting too attached to having a BF there and I dont like the idea of them having sex, of course. Who would? But like I said, we still talk and she still acts attracted at times. When they arent doing well she acts very attracted and talks about old times with us. So like I said, i see us getting back on track when they are done but I'm just trying to speculate why its taking so long. They do have problems alot so it makes me feel like she isn't happy with him yet she stays becasue she is enjoying the physical aspect too much atm. Makes me sad to see her act like this though

[Island Girl]

You are in a very strange position.

 

There is a danger that while you are talking to her (ESPECIALLY listening to her problems with her current boyfriend), you are playing second best and her feelings may be morphing into seeing you as a 'girl friend'.

What I mean by that is that she may get even closer to you but in a way that causes her to lose respect for you as a man and changes her ability to view you as a potential male partner.

 

When you have had these "breaks" for instance is it you who calls it quits and you who ends up faltering and going back for more?

Has she ever called and initiated the renewed contact?

 

I get the feeling the answer is no. But I could be wrong.

 

When you wrote in the post (the long one BTW - I took the time to read all of it ) that "things were getting weird" I could've told you she'd met a guy there. The signs were pretty much classic.

[NCdude]

EDIT: Wow, I am sorry. I did not mean for this to be that long. I started typing and it just ended up that long. I am not good with words so it is hard for me to explain things in a short manner.

 

Her finding a guy at the time she did was very ironic as we both basically did it at the same time. It took me a while to notice the changes in our relationship. They mainly consisted of just less attention/conversations. But it took me a while to notice as I had my eye on the other girl. Anyways....

 

I am seriously afraid of that "morphing". However, I don't listen to her boyfriend problems. I have before, but I don't usually. I usually say don't talk about it and she knows its because it bothers me. And several times I've said, exactly, you shouldn't be with him so leave him. But in these hard times... I have basically become her bitch. Haha, I can't think of another way to put it but you know what I mean. Like, if she wants to talk, I'm there. I try to treat her like the best thing in the world, if she is on the webcam, there is no way she gets off without feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world. If i want to talk to her, and she doesn't want to, then I just get a couple of scattered replies from her. She never gets that from me. I'm always there in full when she comes to talk.

 

When we have these "Breaks", well..... we've only had one long break, which was a month. I started the break because I got mad at her about something to do with her boyfriend. I am the one who came back to her first but she jumped all over me when I did. She said she told her mom she thought I just needed time away. She talked of breaking up with her boyfriend during that time. She then, two days later, justified not leaving him because they were just going through a tough time and thats how far their "problems" go each time. She feels like leaving him.

 

We have a ton of miniature breaks though. The cycle goes.... A little bit of texting for a few days, maybe a week then a few big talks for maybe 2 days, consisting of a webcam session or two where she seems likes she back in love with me and wants me. She acts like things are back to normal, and I even feel that way. Then a few days later, she will have hung out with her Bf and it starts back over. She will be giving me a lot less attention, as he is the priority during those times.

 

She does come back to me first sometimes though. Usually she initiates the "big talks" after a small break of barely talking. Even sometimes if I leave her alone for 2 days she will go and talk first. So its back and forth.

 

I may have contradicted myself a few times in there but it's because its not always consistent. Ask for clarification in any of that if you need it.

 

BTW, thank you for reading the whole first post. I really appreciate it.

[Island Girl]

So when you took a break she was really questioning whether she wanted to stay with her boyfriend?

 

Then you came back and she decided to stay...?

Problems he was having etc. aside Those were the course of events correct?

Hmmmm.

Doesn't that make you feel that as long as you remain she has the best of both worlds? Kind of having her cake and eating it too correct?

I know this because I was her in this same situation many times over.

 

You even say you are becoming her *b*tch* at this point. You are becoming her best girlfriend. That is not the position you EVER want to be in.

 

Is she close to graduating? Do you know what her plans are after High School?

Do you know much about this other guy?

And exactly what her problems are with him? -- I do not advise becoming the sounding board for her problems with him (I think that is obvious from my previous post) but a knowledge is power as well so if you do know that is helpful to you - or could be.

[NCdude]

Well, It is rather hard to say. When I came back we hit it off. We even talked about me coming to visit and she joked about us walking by his work and stuff. She said she didn't want to be the one to break it off with him because it would cause problems in her group of friends, or so she says. Like I said, now she justifies her saying they are going to break up with them "just going through a bad time."

 

Those problems they go through... I am not sure. I can't recall word for word what she has said but he just annoys her sometimes and says he is really moody. He doesn't show sympathy when she isn't doing to well, she says he makes her feel worse. She has named a few times things that he doesnt that she doesnt like, silly things. Like he asks her where she wants to go to eat, she says she doesn't know and he will get mad and that just messes up the rest of their night together. More recently I got this out of her: She says that when they have their problems, she just goes home and wont talk to him and acts like it didn't happen then goes back to him. Almost like... it bothers her and makes her mad but she cools off, ignores it and goes back.

 

*Disclaimer: A ton of that is speculation, it is my take on a few hints i have gotten from her. So when you read that, realize it is amplified and may not be as extreme as it sounds. I tend to think the worse so yeah. If you think, "Well you should have no amplified it and just told me what she said", well... I cant. i dont remember what she said very well, i just remember how i felt and what i thought of it.

 

But it is hard to say becuase these seem like recurring problems and i feel like yeah its possible that i added to it this time around. meaning... when he made her mad she started having second thoughts about him because I was there at the time and she may have been thinking that she can just leave him because he sucks anyways and go back to me. but i guess he gave in and went back and hung out with him a few days later and things went back. So I dont know, it could have been my return that made her second guess him, or it could have been my return that furthered her bad feelings towards him since she may have felt she had some better alternative.

 

As far as becoming her girlfriend, I have trouble not complimenting her and treating her well. I've always done so, since the beginning. I assume it is the guy she fell in love with. I just notice myself more now cause i analyze everything i say to her. Or maybe i am doing it more, that could be it.

 

We are both in our second semester of college.

[NCdude]

EDIT: I know, I know, another wall of text. Do you take paypal? I seriously appreciate your time. You have no idea how much it means to me. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this and if I do bring it up to someone, they don't have any good input. They just know nothing of the subject and say "aww I'm sorry, good luck though"

 

I will go ahead and add this. Tonight we talked. I said I still wanted to come visit but I am not going to bother coming if you don't really want me to. I finally got an answer from her, she always says she does not know. She finally said she didn't think so because it would be too weird. She said she wouldn't be able to tell him "sorry i cant see you because he is here". And she said she knows things wouldn't go to well if we saw each other (aka she knows I would beat the crap out of him and she knows i could). We talked on the phone for a bit more and giggled and said "I should just come see you, and I can tell him I am going to visit my dad".

We talked for a bit more and she was very talkative and eventually we got cut off. I called back a few times... no reply.

 

I got on my computer to continue studying and she got on MSN and said her phone died. We talked a bit and was a good talk. We even somehow got to talking about some "good old times" stuff. Even some talk of some "content" she had sent me via her phone a while back. She asked if i remember. It wasn't random, a conversation lead up to it, you know how that goes. A conversation can go anywhere. She even talked about things she would do while she was hear, funny things (ie. my roommate drinks alot and she knows it and says she would jus make him do stupid stuff when he got drunk). So it was jus a casual funny conversation. She then got signed off. She texted me saying it crashed but she was going to take a shower anyways.

 

She came back, got on the webcam for a bit, maybe like 2 minutes. It was only her though. She prob got off cause I wasnt talking much cause I had to run to the kitchen. When i got back I was like dang it you got off then we talked a bit more and she had to go. I said, "wait before you go, lemme know if i need a hair cut" so i got on the webcam. (I am going back to my hometown tomorrow after class, and when i do i get a haircut sometimes b/c i have someone i go to there). So I got on and it flew from there. A few compliments coming my way and she no longer had to go. We joked around, laughing about different stuff. She complimenting me some more, she said liked the hair the way it was. And it was jus a great conversation. She said "nooo dont shave ur beard i like it". And stuff along those lines. And she repeatedly said stuff like "ah i have to go" then I wouldnt even stop her but she'd stay anyways just talking. At the end she was like "have fun with your homework" and i said u have fun too, and she said "yeah... woo... goin to watch tv" (aka downplaying the time should would be spending with her bf). A bit more "prolonging of the leave" went on. When she would go to leave, i wouldnt even do anything and she'd saw "aww" you look sad. and she'd continue to talk. then she finally left with one of her signature "BYEEEEE"s. The extra E's usually mean more from her I even got a text from her on her way to his house, nothing special just saying something.

[NCdude]

So when you took a break she was really questioning whether she wanted to stay with her boyfriend?

 

Then you came back and she decided to stay...?

Problems he was having etc. aside Those were the course of events correct?

 

To answer that more directly. I am not 100% sure. I didn't talk to her. I don't know if she was questioning him before I came back or not.

[Island Girl]

Don't worry about my fee - pay it forward in some way!! LOL

 

In any event here goes my take on what you wrote back:

 

He is a colder sort and doesn't give her all the emotional support she requires.

Enter you. You do give her all of that so as I said before she has her cake and is eating it too.

 

Wouldn't we all if we could get away with it? But that is what we do in relationships; make sacrifices because of the benefits outweighing the negatives.

 

Right now any of the negatives are made up for by her relationship with you.

 

She is worried about her friends having a problem if she breaks off the relationship? What are they, on his payroll or something?

And she should be worried only about herself and how she feels when it comes to her love life. Eh. Nothing you can do about that but it does show you immaturity on her part.

 

I really have to say that part about you wanting to beat him senseless made no sense to me. Why? She is the one who is involved with him - not you. And she chooses to be. So the blame for all of that falls on her shoulders, not his.

So if you have jealousy issues - remember she is the one putting you in such a situation.

 

Are you committed to staying in contact with her with the hope that eventually if or when she breaks it off you will be right there willing and waiting to swoop in and then all can move on to happily ever after?

 

Because the longer you spend in the friend zone you could very well be cementing your feet there. She could always get to that point and then of course comes, "I just don't want anything to happen to our friendship because you are SO important to me". You get the idea.

 

When was the last time you saw her in person?

 

Can you get her to commit to a visit?

If you really want to see what is there you can set up the visit, make sure she has a fabulous time, do some truly romantic things that she doesn't do anymore (or never has done) with her current man, and scramble her brain with how amazing she feels with you.

 

When she goes back you can reduce contact if there is contact at all and really make her see what she would be losing if you were out of her life - and what she would have if she commits to you.

 

Certainly this would take orchestration on your part and yes it is manipulative (I am the queen of that sorry).

 

But where you stand right now, the position you are in could go on and on with her being with this guy or another or another and there you are just waiting in the wings. THAT sucks.

 

And in the meantime you are not trying to find another more fulfilling relationship. THAT sucks.

 

Now you write back and let me know what you think.

 

This is more like a conversation than posting don'tcha think?

 

And BTW you are quite funny and quirky. Very attractive qualities and your posts are well written and easy to read so do not apologize further.

[NCdude]

Thanks And Yes it does seem like a conversation, which I love. I Like getting fast replies

 

I understand that first part, completely. Thats where I feel she is right now. She gets from him the things I lack the ability to, and she gets from me what he lacks. I however, know for a fact that I possess everything she wants. I just can't offer it all. But that's the definition of an LDR right? We have what each other wants but can't give it all. Can you last through the hard-long time apart? Well, I am nervous that lately she has become reluctant to do some. I will elaborate on this.

 

She has always come across to me as someone who will do something and enjoy something she likes. however, it the road to it is too hard, she is good as shrugging it off and accepting that she doesn't get everything she wants. I don't really know where I got this feeling though. Maybe from a few times of me leaving and her not showing anything signs of caring, causing me to come back. But, that could just be that she has figured that out. I don't know. I don't have any hard evidence on if she is really like that or not, but it is just my feeling that if I leave, she will sigh and say "well I wanted him, but he is gone, I can't have him so I will settle with what I can get here". That is just speculation and I will really sit here and think on that somewhere and try to find out where I got that idea because I am sure there is a source. Because, those few times of me leaving and her not caring are all recent and all during this time with her new boyfriend. So she could handle me leaving for the short time because he was there. Also, as I said these "leaves" have never been long other than the 1 month.

 

I am just scared to attempt to leave and wait for her. I seriously think she will say to herself that it didnt work. I feel she will accept me if I took it to the next level by coming there and we would live happily ever after but it will have to be on my part. She was all for it and wanted to be with me so bad back before all of this but ever since him... I feel it has just been an eye opener for her. Seeing that maybe they arent perfect, and maybe they arent me, but there are other guys there. I'm not sure. I could be wrong though. I have no way of truly knowing how she will react.

 

My thoughts.... I need to tough it out, trying not to be her "girlfriend" the best I can til we can meet again. I know I can knock her off her feet when I am with her. I did the last time we were in person. Which was last year in January.

 

If I could just do that and get her away from her boyfriend for long enough, I could be there. I don't worry about this happening again and again because I can transfer colleges in a heartbeat and I would if I could just get her back to me and me only. I don't want to invest in something like that while she is dating someone and things are "iffy".

 

I really just wish I could find out how she would react to me leaving... without me actually leaving. Haha. I feel that we are in too much of a slump to risk it. I feel that she could confide in him too much at the moment if I leave. I don't know if thats the right word. Maybe, that she gets enough from him right now to make it through the initial roughness of me leaving. But I don't know. I just have no way of knowing as we've never experienced this. Its just that all the short term breaks point in a bad direction for me, but hey, those are short term right? What would happen with me gone for long term? Right? Well, the second I say that, I get this feeling in my gut that she would move on because, like I said, we are in a slump right now.

 

She doesn't have the most optimism for us (as far the future goes) at the moment. But its all clouded because of a boyfriend right now. Thats why I feel the need to be the crutch until I can take over. Until I can have her here, show her what she is missing again, then take it to the next level.

 

P.S. Just got a post-night-with-boyfriend text. Continuing our conversation from earlier. Does really point towards the best of both worlds doesn't it? But Like I said, too nervous she could survive right now with just one world if I left.

 

EDIT: P.S.S - And I quote, ":( you need someone to study with you if i was there i would make you lol" Thats just one of many things she will sneak in there from time to time. And heres a little bit of care "well try to stay awake you need to do good". Thats another sign of things being alright between us, the high end of the cycle. Her talking of being with me. However, this will be a very interesting cycle as it is after the first time of our first month break.

Anyways, hearing that care and interest in me just makes me hear whispers of "I love, and want you, but I just cant right now, its too hard being far, just wait til we can be together". If only those whispers were in actual text

 

 

I edit a lot....Maybe I should stare at my wall o' text a bit longer before I post.

[Island Girl]

Okay -

 

The way I see it you can get what you want.

 

That said I am sure I will get other posts back that completely flame at me for what I said and what I am going to say but I do have basis for what I advise and I have never suffered as many have here so - well I guess what I am trying to say is that MANY people disagree with the fact that relationships are in many way strategic dances in the beginning. A series of actions and reactions that get us where we want to be - with that other person in a fully committed relationship.

 

You already know she is attracted to you and physically compatible so you do not have that part hanging over your head. Many others in LDRs do not have that box checked off so to speak (sorry to the other LDs out there but this is a very important component).

 

You already know you can fulfill her emotionally and have demonstrated that again and again for a VERY long time.

 

So your problem now is reigniting that longing for you.

 

This can only be done in person. As I stated before you must have a time where you can remind her how wonderful, secure, beautiful, supported, and whole she feels when she is with YOU.

 

Then she can compare that to her current relationship and really see what she doesn't have with him. But in order for her to see what she doesn't have she has to miss it -- which means you can't be around. Because you fill the void.

 

If you can get the time with her and make it fabulous and real, then at the end you should put yourself out there and say what it is you want but also that you can no longer just be a friend. That you are willing to move there and truly start your life together but this isn't a halfway commitment that you are after.

You hope she makes the right decision ad that she means the world to you but she does indeed need to make up her mind.

You also want to tell her that you hope that when she does pull her head together that you hope you are still available -- somehow. That one is tricky.

 

Then the best move would be NC. I am sorry to say it because I don't think you can. I think you will still want to be in contact. But it does you no good.

At the very least you should be in RC at that point.

 

If she is willing to just say "oh well" and be with someone who is just there and she is settling - well then you MUST really examine that.

It is a detrimental character flaw. Because in the face of adversity one needs to stay true and there are many difficulties in marital relationships. Sometimes you do have to hang on even though you want to call it quits and it is easier to do that than stay and work at it.

 

Part of the reason she is still in the relationship she is in and somewhat content is because you are there filling the void. That is terrible. But it is true.

 

What do you think so far?

[Island Girl]

I however, know for a fact that I possess everything she wants. I just can't offer it all. But that's the definition of an LDR right? We have what each other wants but can't give it all. Can you last through the hard-long time apart?

 

A brief history to help answer the questions above.

 

I have never wanted for dates. I have had the extraordinary experience of dating any man I have ever wanted for as long as I have wanted (with the exception of middle school and high school crushes).

Only two men have ever ended a relationship with me and they came back (crawling of course lol).

 

This I tell you so you do not have the impression that I am some desperate person who will sacrifice myself or am in desperation for a relationship.

 

My husband and I have been together for over 8 years now.

We are in year 7 of LD.

Since January of 2003 we have seen each other a total of 28 days.

One week in July of 2003 and 3 weeks in 2006 when we were married. (That was the last time I saw him.)

 

We have been trying to complete his immigration to the US for over 2 years since we were married.

 

We have both been faithful and we have both grown to love each other even more over the course of the relationship even though it has been LD.

 

He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner and I am not willing to give that up for anything especially the momentary satisfaction of physical affection. Just finding an attractive man that wants a relationship has always been easy - but a man that I want completely that gets me and that doesn't become a broken down mess when he is dealing with me is another.

 

You want a woman who is that loyal to you and loves you like that.

 

It is the greatest thing in life.

 

Yes relationships can whether the distance. It is up to the people involved in the relationship and their strength of commitment and love.

[NCdude]

Sounds good to me. That is what I want to happen. I can't have enough effect on her when I am not there. I need to be able to have her here then I can make her fall for me all over again. I don't doubt that I can.

 

I must say that this may turn out to be a short post. I don't have much to refute or add. Sounds good to me and is in-line with what I think. You just put it into perspective a lot better than I can do for myself.

You are right though, NC (I'm assuming No Contact?) will be hard for me as I will be drooling at her feet after she leaves from her visit. Maybe I could achieve RC (I'm assuming Rare Contact? Or atleast the equivilent.) Also, I have given her a sort of "ultimatum" similar to what you have said. Telling her to make her decisions. It did turn out to well because it was at bad timing. I am horrible at bad timing. I did it on the downside of the cycle, and she didn't exactly have that "longing" for me. I got pessimistic replies of not thinking it will work because I am not there. She failed to see me saying, "But I can come". I don't think she has 100% trust that what I am saying can be true. As In the past, we had no idea how we could make it work. So now, having an idea to for real take it to the next level is.... new.

 

Also, Here is where I drop the bomb. I haven't been 100% entirely true. I still believe that all of that will work, but not in the time frame that was previously offered. I can't exactly pack up tomorrow. But that can sort of, possibly, not hurt me that much. When I gave her the "ultimatum" she did respond a tiny bit to my prods of "I can come there." The responses were, "I don't know, I don't if I'm ready" etc. Which makes sense to me, it really does, I can feel where she coming from. But I will pass on explaining that. Anyways, her mother works at Delta so she can fly for free. If I can get her to come visit me, do all of the stuff you said and I agreed to, then it will reignite the longing for me and then we can fully take advantage of her mother's new position at Delta, which includes unlimited-free flying.

 

So yeah, do all of that, but a bit more prolonged. Not exactly have an instant turn towards the future after that next visit. A few more visits as often as she can find time and then the big step of transferring there. On the next visit, I would still tell her she needs to make her decision. I will basically ask, "Are you with me in this?" And basically what you said. If a good response follows then I will ask for a time frame for when she isn't feeling rush. I will then not go to NC but I will keep the "high" going and start planning when we will be seeing each other again instantly.

 

So maybe I altered your idea a tad, but I promise I will contemplate both endings to the first visit very hard. I will decide on whether or not prolonging the process is necessary or not. Because all of the "I don't, or I don't know if I'm ready yet" stuff came at a bad time like I said, so I'm not 100% sure where she will stand after I "woo" her

 

Also you may be thinking, "Wow you're actually thinking of adding more time to this massive LDR?!??" Well, if it does turn out that way, it shouldn't be too much longer and you must realize it will not be an elongation of the same LDR. Our original LDR was very long, very very long. And we did it so well, which is why I have so much hope in us and why I know we share something very special. It is also why I know there is something there to bring out in here again, reignite that longing. We went that entire LDR with only 1 meeting. We met in 2004. This new, much shorter LDR will be like an entire new world to us, having our minds set on the future and having the privilage of meeting each other in a much more accessible fashion.

 

 

I type what I am thinking so my mind rambles on and new ideas come. So thats why I first I said I completely agree, then I came up with a slightly altered idea. In short.......

 

"I must say that this may turn out to be a short post."

 

I lied.

 

[Island Girl]

If this is something you are sure you want you can apply for a transfer in to the college near her -- or where she will be going (is she going to school too in the fall?).

 

You can get the acceptance letter before you lay it out there about the decision making. Then you have proof for her that it can and will happen IF you are together. But that you will not be transferring if you aren't.

 

You can always get the acceptance and choose not to go.

 

And as I explained in my previous post your LDR is long but not incredibly long to me.

 

The fact that you did it for so long while so young is amazing though. And that is why I am saying that there is a lot in your relationship where questions that are normally hanging out there have been answered.

 

The very next visit doesn't have to be it.

 

You want to do it when it is too much for you. When you are willing to go "all in" and put it on the line.

When you are willing to walk away-- or at least start dating other people - if you don't get the answer you want.

[NCdude]

In response to your post that you wrote while I was typing.

 

Wow, that is amazing. I have not been in forums like this for very long so I have not read a ton of stories but that one sounds amazing to me. I really respect you and your advice knowing that it is coming from someone who has lasted through that. I know its tough. Also, I love hearing it knowing that these situations can have positive outcomes. Not that I didn't believe it before, but that it just reinforces it.

 

At the last part, where you said you wouldn't give it up for a moment of physical affection. I don't feel as if you were aiming that at my girl, not one bit, but when I think of you, in your situation, it makes me think of her and think, well she fell for that temptation. But, it doesn't discourage me too much. I trust her and I know she cares so much for me, she is just having trouble. Not everyone is strong enough. I may not even be, I dated someone for a short while then too. Who knows where I'd be if that continued. But when my small "fling" ended I realized how much I care for this girl and I realized how much I miss her when she is not there. I do not hate her or have doubt in her for what she is doing now. I have reason to believe if I hadn't dated that girl she wouldn't have continued with that guy. I gave her reason to. We both basically gave permission since we did it simultaneously, hers just lasted longer. And since I did date someone at the same time, she may have not had 100% trust in me either so she may have though the same thing I did at first, "Should i really pass this up for something I am not sure about?".

 

Maybe a bit of character flaw, but no one is perfect and in my eyes, it was justified. Also, we were both each others "first" so we had our eyes opened up to something new and... well... you know... amazing. So to get a taste of that and go back to the LDR and have no "next meeting" in near sight... well it was just discouraging and over the course of the next few months may have just been what it took to cause us to look around at what was near us. Yes, childish and silly to give up something so great because of something so small, but we were in highschool, our senior year, and being stupid. I am back on track and have my priorities straight, she will too once I show her what she is missing again. And she will realize, just as I have that it won't be nearly as tough as it was before and the end (the good kind of end ) is on the horizon. Thats what she needs to see and hear so she won't be so nervous to dive back in with me for the home stretch. She doesn't realize it could be the home stretch. I can show her so easily and have her back in love... just gotta get her here That dang boy is a distraction.

[NCdude]

That's it for me, for the time being. I will read and reply to your next post after my test in a couple hours I must finish up reading these chapter powerpoints.

 

Wait... just one small reply...

 

Yes, she is going in the fall as well. We will both be starting our sophomore years. That is an excellent idea, showing the acceptance papers. Thanks!

[Island Girl]

Wow, that is amazing. I have not been in forums like this for very long so I have not read a ton of stories but that one sounds amazing to me. I really respect you and your advice knowing that it is coming from someone who has lasted through that. I know its tough. Also, I love hearing it knowing that these situations can have positive outcomes. Not that I didn't believe it before, but that it just reinforces it.

 

Yes it can work out. But it does take considerable effort and it is painful.

The pain is too much for some and I understand that too. My husband and I were together in RL first and that gave us a firm foundation to base our relationship on. The distance then allowed us to get to know each other in a deeper way than I think we would have had we stayed in close proximity to each other.

We were also older, both of us had been in LTR that hadn't worked out, and both of us were what you would call "players" before we got together. Neither of us had found a fulfilling relationship - ever - until we met each other.

And, well, we just "get" each other.

 

At the last part, where you said you wouldn't give it up for a moment of physical affection. I don't feel as if you were aiming that at my girl, not one bit, but when I think of you, in your situation, it makes me think of her and think, well she fell for that temptation. But, it doesn't discourage me too much. I trust her and I know she cares so much for me, she is just having trouble. Not everyone is strong enough.

 

I'm glad you didn't take it that way. It wasn't a comment meant to cast her in a disparaging light. I acknowledge that it is hard, VERY hard, to be alone when there are couples all around you who get to share the physicality of a relationship that isn't LD.

 

I may not even be, I dated someone for a short while then too. Who knows where I'd be if that continued. But when my small "fling" ended I realized how much I care for this girl and I realized how much I miss her when she is not there.

 

Exactly.

 

And think about that part. Your fling ended - you were alone - and then you realized how much you missed her when she wasn't there.

How can you miss something you still have?

 

That is why she doesn't miss you like that. Because you are still there -- and she has that pesky distraction (damnit!).

 

I do not hate her or have doubt in her for what she is doing now. I have reason to believe if I hadn't dated that girl she wouldn't have continued with that guy. I gave her reason to. We both basically gave permission since we did it simultaneously, hers just lasted longer. And since I did date someone at the same time, she may have not had 100% trust in me either so she may have though the same thing I did at first, "Should i really pass this up for something I am not sure about?".

 

Yes. All of this is true. I am glad you do not have a one-sided view when it comes to her dating this other guy because you did have another relationship too.

 

Too many times men have double standards and I am glad you don't.

 

Maybe a bit of character flaw, but no one is perfect and in my eyes, it was justified. Also, we were both each others "first" so we had our eyes opened up to something new and... well... you know... amazing. So to get a taste of that and go back to the LDR and have no "next meeting" in near sight... well it was just discouraging and over the course of the next few months may have just been what it took to cause us to look around at what was near us.

 

Okay how well I know the difficulty.

 

Long story short - when I went to marry my husband we hadn't seen each other in 3 years (not even pictures) and those three weeks of our honeymoon was PHENOMENAL.

 

Then I had to leave but the plan was to turn the spousal paperwork into the embassy that does the interviews for his coutry which is in Fiji directly within 4 months of my return. We were to meet there when he did his interview and then it would be at most 6 months for the approval.

 

There was a coup that delayed that and then a law was passed that made that an impossibility.

The paperwork had to be filed here and then there were other delays.

So here we are LD still and the last time I saw him was August 12th, 2006.

I do not know when I will see him again.

It truly is horrible.

 

Now what I was talking about as far as a character flaw was the willingness to just say "oh well" in a sense.

That was in one of your previous posts that you said you don't know for sure if she is like that but it is the sense that you have.

Determination is very important in a lot of aspects of life in general. That is what I was referring to.

 

Yes, childish and silly to give up something so great because of something so small, but we were in highschool, our senior year, and being stupid.

 

Yes you were extremely young to be handling all of that. It has been tough for me and my husband and we are both 40 now. Well I will be in a couple of months.

 

I am back on track and have my priorities straight, she will too once I show her what she is missing again. And she will realize, just as I have that it won't be nearly as tough as it was before and the end (the good kind of end ) is on the horizon. Thats what she needs to see and hear so she won't be so nervous to dive back in with me for the home stretch. She doesn't realize it could be the home stretch. I can show her so easily and have her back in love... just gotta get her here That dang boy is a distraction.

 

YEP YEP!

 

Your personality just seeps through in your posts. No wonder you have had her attention LD. I agree it has been reduced only because of that dang boy and the distance. He would be no competition if you had been right there all along!

[NCdude]

She really does like this guy i guess a bit more than I thought. Likes me enough to still have me there and I'm sure would be all for it if he wasn't, but she isn't willing to give him up for me. So this won't be as easy as we assumed I guess. I was in a good mood and all when we talked so it was a bit easier to be optimistic.

 

Had a bad night tonight, I kinda got mad about something and went off on her about him saying he wasn't right for her and what night and Yup, she defended the mess out of him. The sum of her texts "yeah we argue, but who doesn't... he still wants me to be happy and does everything for me."

 

Yeah its bad news, but stuff like this has happened before. I've really been on edge with her since all of this crap started and she knows that. Thats why if I ever do anything and the next day or two i come back and talk she is jus like... "yeah i know you jus get like that because of him". So yeah...I kinda considered going NC after this but I'd rather jus fix this up ina few days, get her on the webcam, make her drool all over me again and start talking of coming back again then right as she does that.... "Wtf.... why am I even doing this, Im sick of you are your bf and Im sick of starin at you and can't have you, if you want him he's all yours. Bye"

Something along those lines. atleast then I leave for NC on better standings and a better last though of me Instead of jus some mean texts while driving home.

 

I'll post more tomorrow and let ya know what went down. Kinda just wanna go sleep, hoping I won't wake up for a year.

[Island Girl]

She really does like this guy i guess a bit more than I thought. Likes me enough to still have me there and I'm sure would be all for it if he wasn't, but she isn't willing to give him up for me. So this won't be as easy as we assumed I guess. I was in a good mood and all when we talked so it was a bit easier to be optimistic.

 

Wellhe is there daily and you haven't been physically there for quite some time. So that kind of is no surprise.

 

This is not something you have to decide right away. You can take your time and figure out what you really want before you actually go for it -- if you do.

 

I'm sure there are other girls around that you have been ignoring. Maybe you should take a break from the level of involvement, get out there, and chat some of them up.

If nothing else they can be a beautiful distraction.

 

Had a bad night tonight, I kinda got mad about something and went off on her about him saying he wasn't right for her and what night and Yup, she defended the mess out of him. The sum of her texts "yeah we argue, but who doesn't... he still wants me to be happy and does everything for me."

 

She defended him and that is no surprise either.

He is her boyfriend. She is supposed to have some loyalty to him. It is one thing for her to put him down. It is quite another when another person does it no matter who it is.

 

Yeah its bad news, but stuff like this has happened before. I've really been on edge with her since all of this crap started and she knows that. Thats why if I ever do anything and the next day or two i come back and talk she is jus like... "yeah i know you jus get like that because of him". So yeah...I kinda considered going NC after this but I'd rather jus fix this up ina few days, get her on the webcam, make her drool all over me again and start talking of coming back again then right as she does that.... "Wtf.... why am I even doing this, Im sick of you are your bf and Im sick of starin at you and can't have you, if you want him he's all yours. Bye"

 

I understand your feeling. If you are going to end it with that kind of message, refine it a little bit more. There is nothing wrong with leaving in a way that you look awesome so you leave on a high note - even though you are going NC.

 

Something along those lines. atleast then I leave for NC on better standings and a better last though of me Instead of jus some mean texts while driving home.

 

Yeah. I wouldn't do it at the tail end of a disagreement. I'd pre-plan and leave when she least expects it and when things are really good from her perspective.

 

I'll post more tomorrow and let ya know what went down. Kinda just wanna go sleep, hoping I won't wake up for a year.

 

Oh. I am so sorry you are feeling down. That is the problem with hanging on to someone that is with someone else. And you have been doing it for so long!

 

I hope you sleep well and everything feels better and looks brighter in the morning.

[NCdude]

I have so much to do today since at back in my hometown, not much time for a good thought out reply but thought I'd throw this out there while the shower is warming

 

She already replied this morning asking, "You make it home alright".

 

We didnt say bye or anything last night, jus ended in me saying w/e he does the job of makin you happy i dont need to bother anymore then since thats all i wanted you to be.

 

But yeah i wanna reply so bad saying, "Oh look your talking, as always, then the second i want something or need something its 'sorry my bf is more important'"

She always talks to me in the mornings and afternoons, as she is either between classes or at home bored.

 

Also tempted to reply so I can have things not so bitter from last night so i can plan my "NC leave on a good note".

 

Anyways, thats my version of a short post.

 

P.S. VALENTINES DAY IS GONNA SUCK! "Hmm, i wonder what they're doin right now......."

[NCdude]

Well, Just as I am deciding to go NC for a bit just because I am mad anyways..... I had to change my mind. Later that day she sends me a message saying that she knows I'm mad at her but her mom is going to have a longer weekend, this weekend. her mom wants to take her to atlanta to eat some "real" grits. (Long story behind that, not as stupid as it sounds) But yeah, i live within 30 min of atlanta.

 

Whenever I've tried to bug her to come to visit me, its always been... Just come to atlanta, I'll come pick ya up and we can hang out for the weekend, since its free for ya. Well, obviously I havent gotten far with that argument lately buuuut, look now. They are suppose to come this weekend. Now I must decide if her reason is legit or is it a secret "mom if your not gonna be busy then lets go to atlanta, please". however, that wouldnt be good either, as the only reason I could imagine her hiding her true reason for coming would be because her reason is just to keep me attached. haha, but of course... I do overthink and analyze things way too much.

 

Anyways, I did fail. When I saw the text I replied 30 minutes later, "well, I dont wanna see you." Then 10 minutes after that i said, "Psh, I'm jus kiddin, had to mess with ya." And I have been texting her like normal and the normal conversations since then.

 

Bad Grammar again sorry horrible sentences lol

 

EDIT: Also, sorry I haven't replied to your messages directly. I promise I do read them and contemplate them. I haven't really disagreed with anything and I've just been posting with some updates and news.

[NCdude]

:(

 

Got a text today saying... Her mom wants to go to San Fran now. This is all just a bunch of BS, i can't take it......

[Island Girl]

I am sorry.

 

I just can't help thinking you should be in NC and focusing on girls that are there.

You'd be surprised how many wonderful and beautiful girls are right under your nose.

You just have to start paying attention.

 

With your personality you shouldn't be depriving yourself of human companionship while she gets to have that and an all access pass to you too.

It just sucks.

 

Are you on a good page now? Do you think it may be best to just go NC? Or do you want to see her again first just to leave that much more of an impression?

Because if so I think you are going to have to go there.

[NCdude]

Well, thats just it. I'm planning on going NC if things don't go amazing the next time I see her. I mean, give her my take on things and say its either this or nothing. I'm 70% sure that if/when I see her again, itll just result in me saying to myself, okay time to go NC til its a thing of the past.

 

I just hate ending things without some sort of closure. Closure being a visit.

 

Thats one reason I am so mad that I don't get to see her this weekend. I was ready! Was gonna have a good weekend, basically just know I'd be going NC after it, but atleast there was that one last time. So I don't go on thinking... well man, I may have had a chance if I jus saw her one more tme.

 

It's all just a battle with my own thoughts. I need that closure. However I may go NC prior to a visit anyways. All because of this crap. I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow and say, Look, I can't wait anymore, heres the deal: Then go on saying how I'm gone. I'm jus too worn out about this to wait another 6 months to see her again, just to probably go NC anyways.

 

And about girls here. Its jus so hard right now, and has been in the past to look at others as possibilities since she has always been the most beautiful and the most amazing girl. It was always like.... why settle for less? When I see other girls, they are always compared to her. I know that will change overtime and overtime I may start seeing the bad sides of her, but that's just it - overtime.

 

And I suck at meeting new girls anyways. I have had 3 relationships in my life. Not all dating, but were potential, and could have gone that way if i had wanted. All of them just came my way. I've never had to go meet the girl or put myself out there. I know that probably doesn't make much since but, I dunno how to explain it. In short, it's gonna be tough for me to get used to getting out and meeting girls while having those sort of intentions. That need for a girl, a girl to fill that role in my life, has always been met by my LDR relationship.

 

EDIT: On a side note... I just noticed my name, NCdude, looks like "No Contact dude". Thats not what it means haha. I did not know the jargon of LS when I made this account Doesn't really matter, but just thought I'd throw that out there. Mainly, I guess, because initially I came across as someone who never wanted to go down the "NC" road and yet... my name was NCdude. haha

[Island Girl]

Well, thats just it. I'm planning on going NC if things don't go amazing the next time I see her. I mean, give her my take on things and say its either this or nothing. I'm 70% sure that if/when I see her again, itll just result in me saying to myself, okay time to go NC til its a thing of the past.

 

Yeah. I agree to leave it on a high note so that is what she has the last memory of. Then when she and this guy do break up - she thinks of you. And even while they are together she is haunted by what she had with you.

 

I just hate ending things without some sort of closure. Closure being a visit.

 

I completely agree. I understand. And I think it would be best. It just may not happen that way.

 

Thats one reason I am so mad that I don't get to see her this weekend. I was ready! Was gonna have a good weekend, basically just know I'd be going NC after it, but atleast there was that one last time. So I don't go on thinking... well man, I may have had a chance if I jus saw her one more tme.

 

I know! How frustrating! Why can't she just cooperate! lol

 

It's all just a battle with my own thoughts. I need that closure. However I may go NC prior to a visit anyways. All because of this crap. I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow and say, Look, I can't wait anymore, heres the deal: Then go on saying how I'm gone. I'm jus too worn out about this to wait another 6 months to see her again, just to probably go NC anyways.

 

I wouldn't say that you are worn out.

I'd say, "you have a relationship in your life, someone who is there, and I want that person to be me. I can make that happen and be there for you in all ways. But you aren't in a position to be there for me in all ways. So I have to think of what I need for my life to be full and not settle for this part time relationship."

 

I would end the contact by saying, "if your situation changes, I welcome you to contact me. If I am not in a relationship at that time then we could be a possibility. Good bye."

 

And that's all. Then you go NC.

 

And about girls here. Its jus so hard right now, and has been in the past to look at others as possibilities since she has always been the most beautiful and the most amazing girl. It was always like.... why settle for less? When I see other girls, they are always compared to her. I know that will change overtime and overtime I may start seeing the bad sides of her, but that's just it - overtime.

 

That's just it though. With her taking up your time and thoughts of her occupying your head - you are quite possibly overlooking quite a few girls there.

Just getting out in your life more, finding things that would occupy the empty time, and take your thoughts away from this will help to get you out meeting people, etc.

You just need to do things you enjoy and be open to new things you may have thought you'd like to try. The rest will just happen.

 

And I suck at meeting new girls anyways. I have had 3 relationships in my life. Not all dating, but were potential, and could have gone that way if i had wanted. All of them just came my way. I've never had to go meet the girl or put myself out there. I know that probably doesn't make much since but, I dunno how to explain it. In short, it's gonna be tough for me to get used to getting out and meeting girls while having those sort of intentions.

 

It is not hard to understand. You have a wonderful personality. Women would be drawn to you if they get the chance to see the real you.

 

That is why I said just do things you enjoy or want to try. There are girls everywhere. And the ones that are attracted will show you that they are.

 

That need for a girl, a girl to fill that role in my life, has always been met by my LDR relationship.

 

Yes, I know. And right now she has a "full" relationship because you give her what he doesn't. But you don't have the person there filling what she doesn't. It isn't fair and you are getting the short end of the stick.

 

EDIT: On a side note... I just noticed my name, NCdude, looks like "No Contact dude". Thats not what it means haha. I did not know the jargon of LS when I made this account Doesn't really matter, but just thought I'd throw that out there. Mainly, I guess, because initially I came across as someone who never wanted to go down the "NC" road and yet... my name was NCdude. haha

 

I thought it was an abbreviation for North Carolina dude.