Cheated .. get him back from the OW

[bermuda]

How can I get my Fiancee back from a girl he picked up in a bar. Have known my Fiancee for 25 years and we have been together for 14 of those. WE grew up together as children and met after university. Im in a mess hes cheated etc,....and thats complicated but I feel I ned to deal with that. Christmas Eve he left me anote saying its over and I find out he met a girl in abar and has been having a relationship with her. Im in my mid thirties, I work out look after me dress well etc and have done nothing wrong but give him unconditional love. MY gut feeling is hes not happy and he has told me that. MY friends dont want me to have him back but as an adult I need to arrive at that point in my own time. But now today I do....so having been in a relationship for 14years I want them to let me fight for him.They are upset how hes treating me and the fact he ran off on Christmas Eve with just a note. I have been very low etc..but right now I want to fight..it might be ventually I dont want him back. But how can I try...Please can someone just help me a little?

[Billie63]

How can I get my Fiancee back from a girl he picked up in a bar. Have known my Fiancee for 25 years and we have been together for 14 of those. WE grew up together as children and met after university. Im in a mess hes cheated etc,....and thats complicated but I feel I ned to deal with that. Christmas Eve he left me anote saying its over and I find out he met a girl in abar and has been having a relationship with her. Im in my mid thirties, I work out look after me dress well etc and have done nothing wrong but give him unconditional love. MY gut feeling is hes not happy and he has told me that. MY friends dont want me to have him back but as an adult I need to arrive at that point in my own time. But now today I do....so having been in a relationship for 14years I want them to let me fight for him.They are upset how hes treating me and the fact he ran off on Christmas Eve with just a note. I have been very low etc..but right now I want to fight..it might be ventually I dont want him back. But how can I try...Please can someone just help me a little?

 

Hi there, you poor thing. You must tied up in knots.

Firstly, I believe if anyone, man or woman, does not want to go back to their ex, there is absolutely nothing you can do to get them back.

 

However, if he has any doubts about what he's done then I believe yes, you can get him back.

 

I remember reading a brilliant article years ago about a BS who did just that. They'd been together a long time, he ran off with someone else, BS was devastated. Eventually she decided to fight for him with a well thought out campaign that she carried out over months.

 

1. She lost weight - easy to do when your'e heartbroken. Bought a new wardrobe, had her hair restyled until she was looking the best she had looked in years.

 

2. She then pretended to the husband that she had a boyfriend - she didn't have one at all. When the husband came round to pick up the kids she would be all dressed up and ready to go out with her 'new man'. In fact she was going round the corner to her friend's house for a glass of wine.

 

He eventually couldn't stay away from her but she held him off - she was very cool - she wasn't prepared to be the OW while he went home to his girlfriend. Anyway he came back to her and as far as I'm aware they are happier than ever and in the interview he admitted he respected his wife's campaign and her single mindedness.

 

You need patience and a cool head for this. Also, your ex may come back because he wants what he can't have, only to leave you again later on.

 

I think right now you need something to focus on and that's why you're thinking like this. How often do you see him?

[jwi71]

Have known my Fiancee for 25 years and we have been together for 14 of those.

 

14 years?!?!? Fourteen years and no ring. Then, when he presents you with one, he cheats.

 

This is NOT the guy for you. My first guess based on your post is he has commitment issues. And YOU don't need that in your life.

 

Its a red flag for me.

 

Im in a mess hes cheated etc,....and thats complicated but I feel I ned to deal with that. Christmas Eve he left me anote saying its over and I find out he met a girl in abar and has been having a relationship with her.

I think his ACTIONS and his note say it all. He is NOT going to marry you. And if he does, my money is on more cheating. Not because you are ugly or fat but because he is NOT committed to you.

 

MY gut feeling is hes not happy and he has told me that. MY friends dont want me to have him back but as an adult I need to arrive at that point in my own time.

You should REALLY listen to your friends. I know what they says sucks and it isn't what you want to hear - but it is prolly for the best.

 

But now today I do....so having been in a relationship for 14years I want them to let me fight for him.They are upset how hes treating me and the fact he ran off on Christmas Eve with just a note. I have been very low etc..but right now I want to fight..it might be ventually I dont want him back. But how can I try...Please can someone just help me a little?

OK. With the caveat that you face a hard uphill battle I will offer what I would do to save your R with him.

 

1) No more bars.

2) No more contact (NC) with the OW (other woman).

3) He surrenders all privacy aka secrecy. No email, no cell phone and he checks in when NOT at home.

4) He goes to IC (Individual Counseling)

5) You both go to MC (Marriage Counseling). I know you are NOT married so call it "Couples therapy" - same thing really.

6) You EXPOSE his cheating to EVERYONE. His parents, his friends, his coworkers...everyone. Not to humiliate him but to EXPOSE the A. It won;t end if it remains a secret.

7) Gather friends of your R together for support. Get THEM to help you and him recover.

 

It will take time. A great deal of time to get back to "normal". Its a long and painful fight - but it can be won IF both partners want it.

 

Good luck

[Squirtal]

Hi Bermuda

I am sorry you are going through this.

I think to be honest, your first port of call should be to get yourself tested.

You said in your other post that he has been cheating for years with Escorts and other women.

I'm not sure how you can want to have back after all the lies over so many years, but I guess love knows no bounds.

But please..check yourself out and make sure you are physically well.

Hope you can overcome the pain.

[Dexter Morgan]

How can I get my Fiancee back from a girl he picked up in a bar.

 

Why would you want his sorry ass back? Let the floosey have him and move on with your life.

[bermuda]

Thankyou to those people who have replied, it means a lot to me sat on my own pulling my hair out. We have been in contact but my health has suffered alot due to stress and shock...and my weight loss has shocked everyone as I was tiny to start so the loss is really shocking. But its not for effect I just cant eat. But that is a by product of all this mess. Despite all that has been put in front of me over the last few weeks my I still in my heart want to fight for this guy. I will not walk on 14 years, so I just need to know do I kick and scream and cry or do I get a grip calm down and do things slowly. God knows why he picked a girl in a bar. Hes admited she doesnt know him or really care..but the more I chase for him the more she will find him attractive..I love him I just need a bit of guidance how to work through this? xx

[Holding-On]

Sigh.

The best thing would be to move forward.

 

Being a pathetic mess is not hot and is not going to get him back (why you want to though? ...)

[bermuda]

I can feel pulling their hair out with me..and I must sound like a lunatic. But I am not far from it. Yes my friends think he should be put in sheep dip including his best friend. His best friend has begged me not to return to him,, but for n ow I need to do this. One day I might look back at this and wonder what the hell I have been doing but Im not there yet so until my brain changes thenn I need to fight. I would tell any woman to run for the hills as fast as she could but now I am here I cant do it....

I am a really sad girl and know this is not a good look. So far since he has left I have had no shortage of male attention but it makes me wanto hide my face and body in a bag. I get attention because of my job in fitness and that I look after my body etc..and as a good trainer and consultant I know alot of males..and many have offered to take me to dinner,even away but it just makes me want to curl up futher into ball and cry and lock my door! I feel like a freaky circus act. When I was with my partner I did get a lot of male attention and I just turned my back on it all, which my friends used to tell me not to. So it just drives me futher into the floor at high speed.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thankyou to those people who have replied, it means a lot to me sat on my own pulling my hair out. We have been in contact but my health has suffered alot due to stress and shock...and my weight loss has shocked everyone as I was tiny to start so the loss is really shocking. But its not for effect I just cant eat. But that is a by product of all this mess. Despite all that has been put in front of me over the last few weeks my I still in my heart want to fight for this guy. I will not walk on 14 years, so I just need to know do I kick and scream and cry or do I get a grip calm down and do things slowly. God knows why he picked a girl in a bar. Hes admited she doesnt know him or really care..but the more I chase for him the more she will find him attractive..I love him I just need a bit of guidance how to work through this? xx

 

I'm sorry. I cannot advise you to fight for a total cheating jackass and advise you to become a whipped lapdog. Thats not a slam against you, thats just what you will come off as if you "fight" for a guy that has interest in another/other women. He should get a big ego boost out of that.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. All I can say. good luck

[Lucky_One]

The girl that he met in a bar is not the problem here.

 

He is.

 

He has cheated on you for years with other women - paid and unpaid. This girl is just one in a string of dozens.

 

You have been engaged (??) for five years. It is clear that if he wanted to be with you, he would have married you by now and he would not have left you on Christmas Eve. He does not want you, and if he were to come back, he would continue to cheat on you because he knows that you won't stop him.

 

Let him go. Get a therapist.

[Billie63]

i've just seen your other thread. You can't take the guy back hon. Don't waste any more years on him.

[bermuda]

I know its just so hard for me. I cant seem to move forward. My brain doesnt want to do anything accept feel love for him. I cant eat, I dont sleep and hate waking up. I dont know how to fucnction anymore. I just cant seem to move forward. I hate not being able to help myself. I am so desperate and feel like I am having some form of breakdwown xx

[jj33]

You are in shock. Its been awhile but your brain cant accept it yet. The important thing is not to run after him. This is not about you. it truly is about him. And nothing you can do can change who he is. Give yourself time and get a good therapist and keep posting. Everyone will keep telling you the same thing but it will help you come out of the fog.

 

You cant go back to this guy. He is not for you even tho he has a good side that fooled you for awhile. Even Ted Bundy had a charming side, otherwise he couldnt have gotten those poor girls to go out with him.

 

You got off easy. If youd married him it would be far more difficult to unravel.

 

Take good care

[bermuda]

Thankyou all for your replies. I never thought I would be emptying my thoughts out on the net. Today feels no different to any other. The reality side of my brain thinks get up , go out, enjoy today..but then the idiot side of my brain goes into mental meltdown and takes over. Its hard as 14 years of my life I gave unconditional love. Im bright and outgoing love life and normaly a sane girl! We had a great times together, and I would be happy to have this agin. Yesterday about killed me, Valentines. I just cant bear someone else waking up with him, making him breakfast and hanging out on Sunday afternoons. Then without sounded crazy I feel waves of disgust, huge surges of disgust. I cannot beleive hes having sex with someone else..then I feel hate for the prostitutes, I found 16 numbers in total and 4 brothels. Then my brain goes fuzzy and I see the person who I have known since 11 years and i am 36 now and i know ddeep down no matter what I love that guy. The guy that used to lie with me and we talk about life and laugh. I know I will never fall out of love with him..its just a long road for me and I cant seem to walk on it. Its awful I have lives alone in our home for 8 weeks and I might ahve to learn the hard way but right now I still want him..and I want to fight for him back. I feel totaly exhausted x

[Island Girl]

Thankyou all for your replies. I never thought I would be emptying my thoughts out on the net. Today feels no different to any other. The reality side of my brain thinks get up , go out, enjoy today..but then the idiot side of my brain goes into mental meltdown and takes over.

 

Oh bermuda. I am so sorry.

 

Two of my very good friends were just as stuck. And one of them for exactly the same reason - only that guy didn't leave a note; he just disappeared from her life with no explanation. (She had to hear it from his mother if you can believe that!)

 

I am glad part of your brain is clicking now you just have to go about strengthening the side that says get on with your life and quieting the idiot side (forgive me!) that says you really want him back.

Because in truth - you don't want a man that would cheat on you in all forms, completely disrespect you, and disregard you at every turn.

 

Its hard as 14 years of my life I gave unconditional love. Im bright and outgoing love life and normaly a sane girl! We had a great times together, and I would be happy to have this agin.

 

This is where you can be your own worst enemy. You are selectively remembering your relationship.

 

You are disregarding how much you have suffered over the years when he has cheated on you at every turn for so so long.

 

Those "happy times" were a smoke screen. They were not the truth. The truth is he was a serial cheater who lied continuously and put your health constantly at risk.

He was someone who never deserved your trust and respect.

Although you say you loved him unconditionally - I am a firm believer you can not love someone who is so horrible to you. You got stuck. You were caught up in the idea of what your relationship was and who he was. He is not the man you think you love. He is a lying, cheating, selfish, irresponsible, narcissistic loser.

 

So the first thing you ca do to really help yourself is get real about who he really is.

 

Yesterday about killed me, Valentines. I just cant bear someone else waking up with him, making him breakfast and hanging out on Sunday afternoons.

 

Yeah, another person he'll cheat on, lie to, and treat like utter crap in every possible way.

He is moving on to destroying someone else's life.

 

You have escaped. It doesn't matter how it happened. You are now liberated. You can now get your brain back to normal because you have been brain washing yourself - otherwise you would have never even entertained the idea of marrying this guy let alone staying with him and wasting 14 years on a guy who is ABSOLUTELY undeserving of it.

 

Then without sounded crazy I feel waves of disgust, huge surges of disgust. I cannot beleive hes having sex with someone else..then I feel hate for the prostitutes, I found 16 numbers in total and 4 brothels.

 

 

Then my brain goes fuzzy and I see the person who I have known since 11 years and i am 36 now and i know deep down no matter what I love that guy. The guy that used to lie with me and we talk about life and laugh. I know I will never fall out of love with him..its just a long road for me and I cant seem to walk on it.

 

That guy was a facade. A pretender. He was putting on his act for you and creating these false moments of intimacy. He orchestrated his persona and manipulated you consistently to the point where you allowed yourself to be walked all over and then thanked him for the privilege of being who he wiped his feet on.

 

Don't you see how your mind has been twisted to still believe how wonderful he is even though everything in his actions tell you he IS a lying, cheating, manipulative, scumbag?

 

That is what you have to remind yourself.

 

You haven't lost anything because he was never really yours in the first place. He is with whoever strikes his fancy at whatever time. He has no feelings of remorse or guilt.

He doesn't respect women. He is a coward.

 

They aren't all like this. Now you have the opportunity to find out what it really feels like to have shared experiences with someone who actually can feel love and respect for you. It is tremendous and you have yet to know what that is like.

You have the chance to have a different life with someone who doesn't see women as disposable.

It will take time but at least now you have that chance.

 

With this loser you would have never known what having someone really love you feels like. So be GLAD he is going to make someone else's life terrible now.

 

Its awful I have lives alone in our home for 8 weeks and I might ahve to learn the hard way but right now I still want him..and I want to fight for him back. I feel totaly exhausted x

 

There is no fighting to get him back.

 

He was never really present. So you ca't get him back. And it will take some time and you will have to remind yourself how gross he really is and what a liar he is but you will get to the point when you do realize you were stuck in love with the idea and the dream of what you wanted him to be. Not who he actually is.

[joybean72]

Bermuda,

Reading your story breaks my heart. Trust me that I understand completely how you are feeling right now and you ARE in shock. (Who wouldn't be?!) My stbx husband is a serial cheater also and has a "hidden" drug habit to boot...also a life threatening illness caused by it. Do you think he told any of these other women this???...Nope! Why???...Cuz he's a selfish Narcissistic a-hole who only cares about himself. (Forgot to throw "opportunist" in there too!) I whole agree 100% with everything Island Girl wrote.

I KNOW how much this hurts your heart, but believe me that it WILL get easier once you realize how FAR better off you are away from this bottom feeder...and YES, that is what he is. Honestly bermuda, I think you dodged a bullet here.

Please go get yourself tested once you are feeling up to it, not something pleasant either...but necessary. Talk to a therapist, friends, family...also necessary. My heart breaks for you...the days will get better though! Just know you are not alone okay?

[bermuda]

Island girl and Joybean. Thankyou for taking the time out to reply. I really cant belive people are out there that would do something out of their way like that. I am very very grateful.

Well another day and still my brain cant function. Everything you have both said is educationaly sound and right. BUT..my switch isnt on. I have learnt today that he went missing on a friends stag party in Spain, and rolled up in the wee hours claiming hed got lost and had a drink in abar...he cant sit on his own in a bar as beleive it or not he is shy. ( understatement now!!)..two friends argued as one claimed hed visited prostitutes and the other, now my friends husband stuck up for him and now look whats out the woodwork!! ...My health!!..if it is true and law of averages now say a good old maybe...some dirty girl in a tacky resort in Spain..and that was 5 years ago...I cant belive it..then I find out hes done a few drugs....I am an honest girl looks after my health and devoted myself to him. I am sat alone on my lounge floor wondering how much more can I take. I had my own company and signed the house over to him so we would be safe if anything ever happened to my company, now he wants the 'his' house and wants me out ..I have no where to go. I am distraught as still my feelings of hate cant outweigh the feelings of love. I do miss him and I am struggling with everything at the moment. This was our home for ten years, it was beautiful and immaculate and always welcomed people.Now I am about to lose my home too. Why arent I angry and nasty and screaming at him? Any other normal woman would be. I dont know whether I am on my head or backside. Last week I drank myself into astouper only to find mysef comforted by his best friend on the floor sobbing at the damage he has done. I dont drink, hardly ever now have timeoff work as am too drunk to go. What is happening to me. I was a strong character, a bright funny life and sole of the party girl, always invited out to livent hings up and get the party going now I look scrawny, and pale. I cry 24 hours a day or drink myself in to a bottle of wine. I collapsed through lack of food..but all this I can stop but I dont know why I cant hate him. I am lonely, missing him, missing his voice etc..but I am the one who never strayed and I am losing control of my life. I cant thank anyone enough for taking the time to reply. I want to hit my own head againstthe wall so no doubt other peole will to knock some sense into me. I feel like I will go insane. I have never felt like this and feel utterly alone. He is a arsehole, common sense will tell you that but my brain wont switch on. I reckon if he walked back in tomorrw I would sob with happiness..and thats not normal I know. Ive never hurt anyone in my life I go out my way to give others happiness. My friend said you have never put you first. and shes right so deep down I dont know how too. But that still doesnt change where I am right now fighting for my sanity. Please dont think I am some mad girl/woman I just dont know myself anymore and I cant seem to find me. xx

[blueintheface]

Holy cow ..... I can hardly believe what you have been through.

 

Go get legal advice & change the locks!!! Even if the home is in his name it sounds like you were in a defacto partnership so i think half the house is half yours anyway. You really do need to change the locks though because he could do that before you and you would really be locked out then. Forget about moving on or taking him back at this point in time. Really, just begin mourning your old relationship and letting it go because it wasn't real. He acted out a part and now he's tired of acting and showing his true colours.

[2sure]

OK look. This is what you have to do, regardless of your state of min or physical health:

 

GET A LAWYER AND TAKE BACK YOUR HOUSE.

 

From there...the rest can be addressed. Once he has no house, chances are he will want back in with you (hopefully by then you will have come to your senses).

 

If you cannot get your house back, he will throw you out now or in the future. He has made ZERO committment to you, you have made ALL of the committment to him.

[bermuda]

what can I say...hes thrown me out onto the street, canceled my car insurance then didnt tell me but phoned the police in the hope I would get arrested. It didnt happen thank god when the police came to throw me out HIS home! Then within one hour my poor parents house was raided by police after some of his belongigns. My father was arrested and later released with NO CHARGE. Its a mess. HEs gone balmy!!This was Fiance...for 14 years....I am distraught. Im a young woman not stepped out of line ever just gave him unconditional love...I now have no home, no cats just the clothes on my back after 14 years. HOw could he..and why do I still love the bloody idiot. Im a sensible girl. My worlds fell down. I have found out hes been lieing to the other girl and trying to cover up these lies. What on earth is wrong with him. I dont know what to do I just feel like I am having an outer body experience...

[Island Girl]

You need to seek legal advice now.

 

Whether you feel you can or not you have to.

 

There may be something you can do. There may not. But you need to know your options.

 

I hope you are realizing how incredibly lucky you are that you didn't marry him.

 

Whoever you thought you were with - isn't the real Mr. Ex.

 

He has a vicious streak that is more than a mile wide.

 

Protect yourself as much as possible by finding out what you CAN do.

 

I am so sorry he is such a *^&*#%%&^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am just so sorry.

[Athena]

Its hard as 14 years of my life I gave unconditional love.

 

I still want him..and I want to fight for him back. I feel totaly exhausted x

 

Didn't read all the posts, but:

It takes TWO pple to make a relationship work, but only ONE person to end it... .anyway,

 

Sigh.... the more you chase after him, the more he will run away, don't you know that?

If you really want the sleaze-ball back, then quit chasing him. Obviously, you can't go NC because your end goal is to get back with him again ()

So, you need to let HIM contact you, and be pleasant but cool... YOU have to end the conversation (right at the point that he is enjoying talking to you), be busy and say you have to go out.

What is going to be attractive to him is you acting self-confident and almost unavailable... do you think that woman he picked up from the bar hangs all over him?! Of course not.

 

Give him some breathing space.

 

Another thing I want to say to you has to do with this 14 year investment you have made in him... truly I hope that in itself is not why you are hanging onto him?

Because you will just get more of the same over future decades... sigh...

[Athena]

what can I say...hes thrown me out onto the street, canceled my car insurance then didnt tell me but phoned the police in the hope I would get arrested. It didnt happen thank god when the police came to throw me out HIS home! Then within one hour my poor parents house was raided by police after some of his belongigns. My father was arrested and later released with NO CHARGE. Its a mess. HEs gone balmy!!

 

Dang, girl! I just finished reading all the posts... um,... and you still want him?!

 

Look, he is mentally not normal, okay... do yourself a favour and read the book How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra L. Brown.

You can even buy it and read it on the Internet

She explains why these relationships (with pathological people) can feel so intense...

[NewSunrise]

I had my own company and signed the house over to him so we would be safe if anything ever happened to my company, now he wants the 'his' house and wants me out ..I have no where to go.

Sorry Bermuda that it's been hell. Been there and came out happier and stronger.

 

What you are going through is "normal" for any "BS"---emotional roller coaster.

 

Rather than fighting to get the jerk back, refocus all this bad energy and fight to keep what you've got. Your sanity, security and self preservation. You have NO OTHER choice.

 

Signing off the house to him does not make him the legal owner. WHO made the mortgage payment and from what/whose account payments came from. Seperate or joint? Even if you signed the house over to him, but you continued to make the payment, the house is still yours. If all you did was add him to the title, what he paid towards the mortgage will have some value plus whatever court thinks might be the "appreciated" value or "interest".

 

Even if you signed a quit claim deed but the mortgage is still in your name, you are still the legal owner since you are NOT married.. Might be a blessing in disguise that you are not married to the jerk. Count your blessings you are NOT married to this guy and there are no children involve.

 

So get off your pity party mood and fight back. As long as you allow yourself to be stepped on, he will take everything. Don't let him.

 

Former First Lady Nancy Reagan was once quoted, "A woman is like a tea bag. She never knows what her strength is until she's poured in hot water".

 

I think you'll be fine. You may not think it because you're emotionally beaten by the "surprise" attack from the ONE person you thought you could trust. You were strong once. You're still that strong person. You just gotta decide when you've had enough and "intelligently" plan your defense.

 

Good luck.

[Honest2Bob]

I would definitely recommend that you explore why you want him back. Are you afraid of being alone after so many years? Also, if you did get him back, how would the relationship go? Are there changes to be made? why was he looking for someone else? Can you not only forgive him but forget that he cheated on you? I never was able to forget or trust thereafter.

You're right though.. your friend can tell you the world, but if you are not ready to hear it, there's only you to listen to. 14 years is a long time and it would be a shame to lose all of it for something that can be fixed if it can.