Author bermuda Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 Well another day another 24 hours survived.I should be on a skiing holiday today with all of our friends something of a traddtion, but my ex partner has held my ticket to ranson unless I rebuy it from him!!..so I havnt gone and nor has he! Where is the logic in that!!2000 pound down the drain with spite. His best friends who are there begged him for the ticket as they said after all hes done to me and my state of health they wanted to look after me for a week. Skiings my passion he knows it he can hardlet ski but me not going wasnt about money it was about he didnt want me to have fun with our friends. They cant believe it or him. HIs new girlfriend wants to cook them all dinner, they have all said no. Thankgoodness am not ready to deal with that. HEs got my cats in our home that hes changes locks so only he ca see them.That hurts as I have had them since they were born and they are like my babies....I have to sneak round to see them and sit outisde our door shout them and they come running. ITs like he comes back for his pound of flesh. One thing maybe someone can tall me about is drugs. His moods are erractic this behaviour is unlike him hes aggressive, shouting swearing and compulsively lieing. A friend mentioned that he has done cocaine, is this the behaviour that this does? He is like a stranger even his widowed mum cried telling me how agressive he is. Now the original guy was steady in control, never raised his voice or anything especialy to his mum. I have heard he has told this new girlfriend a whole crock of lies, and now hes having to cover these lies up with more lies no wonder hes stressed. He feels almost childlike to me. But none of this makes me feel better or love him less which in the real world is wrong. No woman wants a man who has slept with prostitutes, so why do i? Whats wrong with my brain. I have a great education, went to university have a degree was training to be a doctor, so what went wrong. I struggle everyday to get me together. I love him and would take him back tomorrow. My friends call me a battered wife, tongue in cheek..Im not I just cant deal alot with whats going on. To be honest I think if he had hit me Id still go back, how wrong is that. But I feel no futher forward than the day he left. I have no pity for myself just frustration and anger towards me. I feel ugly and hate to look at myself in the mirror. I workout evryday keep myself in great shape,but still I cant look at me. I so love him, our life hasnt been bad..we have rolled around laughing together,sahring life, its like Ive lost my best friend. Why cant I make my brain think like everyone else??? xx Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 I have no pity for myself just frustration and anger towards me. I feel ugly and hate to look at myself in the mirror. I workout evryday keep myself in great shape,but still I cant look at me. This is why. You don't like yourself let alone love yourself. And until you do you will not believe you are worthy of more. In the end you can not even love someone else truly. It is impossible to love another unless you first have self love. You are in desperate need of counseling to find out where this self loathing comes from. You can empower yourself by taking action. Contacting an attorney to get your options. And taking recourse to at least get your kitties back. Just standing up for yourself will help a little bit. Reach out to a friend to help you accomplish this if you must. But you HAVE to do it. NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 yes ur right I dont like myself let alone love myself. I cant understand my own head as any normal girl/woman would have ran a mile by now cheered and chopped my other halfs bit off! So why cant I have there feelings? I dont each know wether I can cope or not. My brain is all over the place. If any normal woman partner had slept with prostitutes they would have kicked him to the moon, so why am i so desperate to have him back? ITs like I cant shake myself. All I can see him is having sex with this new girlfriend living this perfect life of whatever. Even though I know he is lieing to her now I still think of what they are doing together. He was my Fiancee not hers she doesnt have the right to have my relationship if that doesnt sound mad? Ive been to a counsellor and it didnt make me feel any better. I look at myself and know there is something wrong with me. I have no shortage of atttention but its not what I want..I want him and it just wont go away. ITs not normal I know. I cant tell anyone how much I love him as they will think I am crazy after this. It tears my head up everyday and I dont get amoments piece. I am a normal woman somewhere but I cant move on. So I resign myself to this state of mind. I will never move on to another guy, I will never love someone like my partner and so each day I just stand and stare and pick faults with me.ITs jsut like I live the same day everyday. I cant thankyou enough for reading this as in some way it helps me xx Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 When you went to counseling, was it for this problem? You seem to have romanticized not only this loser but also the relationship you once shared. You consciously know he has done these horrible things. But you erase them in the moment and choose to think back to only the times when you got along well. My husbands cousin is the king of all players. He is a complete ass and he has always treated these girls horribly. He has bounced from one to the other for the last nine years. He has two little girls with one of them but married the other. And there have been additional girls sprinkled throughout that time as well. One of whom has a child by him too. For the two of them it seems it is more about having him or being able to say they are the ACTUAL girlfriend or the ACTUAL wife than how he has treated them. It completely boggles my mind. Counseling will help - you just have to find the right counselor and explain the whole of the problem. You really do need to seek out help. I know I am insistent about that but it is really important. You are really important and I'm afraid there can be no progression until you can address this. You do of course need to seek legal advice and PLEASE try to get your kitties back! At least do that for them. It will help you as well but really they are probably completely confused why you just come and sit outside and shout at them. Link to post Share on other sites
desertmoon Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Ok Bermuda. ENOUGH! You need professional help-MEDICAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL AND LEGAL---ASAP!!!! You do not need to come up with a plan of action to take him back right now. You are not in the right frame of mind or physical health to do that. First, take care of your health--see a doctor! I am almost sure your primary care physician will refer you to a PSCYH MD or at least a counselor specializing in Relationships, Loss and Mourning. Second, see a lawyer-what is with him throwing you out of his house? or the police raiding your parents house? Where do you live? Check if you have palimony laws. Lastly, baby steps...live one day at a time...you have it in you to survive this devastation. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Bermuda, next time your kitties come running to you in the backyard of your house he threw you out of, then put them in Cat Carriers and take them with you! Leave a note to psycho to let him know you have your own cats, and how dare he kidnap them? That you will take legal action against him if he tries to cause trouble for you getting your own pets back.... That is one simple easy beginning, is it not? You need to stop seeing yourself as the victim of the relationship, and start directing your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 Island girl thankyou...think i didnt make it clear I dont shout AT my cats I shout their names so they will come to me!!! Gawd bet you think Im bonkers!! They are beautiful and I would never shout at them!! NEVER!! Your all so right.I must sound mentally disturburbed to even consider a guy back like this. But 14 years of a relationship, I was never hit, had everything I ever wanted and was loved back until he went bonkers!! So its hard. I dont romantise about the good bits and bury the bad, if I was mistreated I would have left..but I truely loved this guy and still do. Dont get me totaly wrong that I dont have waves on anger and frustration but I take this out on myself. Im sort of lost in translation if that makes sense? Legally I have no leg to stand on so yes Ive lost and hes taken everything I just have the clothes on my back. My life has no route at the moment and thats a shock in itself. I try each day to focus on me but then seconds go past and im back to square one. My friends say if I got him back that would be the moment I dont want him back as then the penny would drop as to what hes done.Maybe they are right and maybe I need to get to that point to move me on. I just have lost me somewhere on along the way. I have put my fiancee first for 14 years and dont know how to put me first, crazy really. Its hard, I feel like a circus act some freaky circus act. Its the lies that are hard to deal with and I have lost my trust in everything. Yes I saw the counselor about this and one thing she said is that he has an addiction to deceit. IT does make sense. I jsut feel stunned all the time. The ironic part is I have agreat education, level headed, grounded the lot....so why do I not react in what seems a normal way..x Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Bermuda its good that you went to see a counselor I hope you are going on a continuous basis. Parting with someone you have been with for 14 years to whom you have devoted your life, in the face of such cruelty and deceit must be devastating. Its not something anyone would get over quickly. You need real support. So keep posting, keep talking to the counselor and take action with respect to the house. It sounds like you have a great group of friends and they are looking out for you as well. Some day this man may come crawling back to you (of course his type never crawls they expect youll be there waiting) and you will close the door in his face. Its just a matter of time. Take good care Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 Thankyou to everyone who reads this blog thing that I have done. ITs weird never would I have dreamt of this, me typing onto the net. Yes time moves on and I drag me along.Am sure I will be ok fast forward the clock and things will be different. I do believe that I will be the one to change forced unknowingly by his actions. I am no self pity person I am just typing for guidance I guess. I only went once to the counsellor as I havent had the drag in me to go back. Am shattered by all the events and I cant turn my brain off from him, wondering where he is, in bed with another woman. When I read that back it sends shivers down my spine. The funny thing is if anyone ever met this guy you would love him. How mad is that. I looka t my blogs and think Gawd Ive made him sound like a monster. Hes not really, maybe its me? Maybe I should handle things better. I just feel abit helpless. Today I am desperate for him back,maybe one day I wont. Deep down I know if you have slept with prostitutes once you will do it again. The scary thing is at some point myself and a prostitute would havebeen days apart with him. That does make me sad and angry at teh same time. But all that everyone says is read and thought about so thankyou to those that have replied you are more help than you know! Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Thats exactly why you need to go back to the counselor. Your brain isnt working through this on its own. Yes you are bright and accomplished but you need to accept that this is something you need help with. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I dont romantise about the good bits and bury the bad, if I was mistreated I would have left..but I truely loved this guy and still do. HE DID MISTREAT YOU. Constantly cheating on you IS mistreating you. Going out and sleeping with prostitutes IS mistreating you. Lying to you IS mistreating you. You say you love him but that isn't love. You can't really love someone who abuses you so blatantly. It is something else. It is like you are one of those people who gets brainwashed by a cult. I think you need to seek a counselor who can help with this specifically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 I hear you, honestly I do but things arent going in. Am sure they will one day..... I can see what your saying is right but today things dont want to go in. I think Im frightened, but of what I dont know. 14 years is a lot of memories and 90 per cent were happy. I dont feel abused I feel let down, very badly. I gave this guy honesty and love and its lost me everything. The missing him is driving me bonkers! I miss alot of things its all just one big mess. I am trying to sort myself out but its just getting me going. I just couldnt help who I fell in love with. I think I put him up on a pedalstool for 14 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 You put him on a pedestal? Well, no wonder he stayed with you for 14 years! you were feeding his ego; he needed that. Something changed and he wasn't getting his needs adequately met any more? Or he just decided to cut you out of his life -- these are classic signs and symptoms of a Narcissist. Look it up, see if it fits. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I think I put him up on a pedalstool for 14 years. I think you are absolutely right. I think you don't put the appropriate amount of weight on the terrible things he has done. And you place way too much weight on the "facade" of who he pretended to be when he was with you in person. He was not wonderful. He was a liar and just about everything that came out his mouth was self serving. He had his wants and that is all that mattered to him. No one else matters. This girl he is with doesn't matter. He is a serial cheater - more than likely a sex addict - and he will cheat on her and lie to her just as he has done to you for the last 14 years. They do not and will not have a life of happiness ad bliss. And you never did either. You had 14 years of him cheating on you continuously and lying to you constantly. That is the truth. Quit remembering it as if it was a storybook romance - it never was that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Well things go on from bad to crazy. I cant get my head around why a guy I have lived with who has never raised a hand or a voice to me can become so crazy. Hes arrogant wanting to have me arressted for anything and everything. It tears me up. He even wants the food back in the fridge..which he says I stole! I cant understand this. Some people have suggested actions/moods of a cocaine user. ? Its like hes now out of control. Ive never raied my voice, kept calm shed many tears. I cant understand how I am being treated like this yet I have not slept with prostitutes. caught lieing and still lieing, have my poor father arrested, me thrown out on the street..blah blahh.... and yet I am the one being shouted at, ordered around, totaly humiliated beyond anything.? Today I got through a little easier. I have only had a small cry which compared to every other day is a huge step. I still feel lonely, and devasted. I jsut cant get to where he is in his head space, its like hes flipped. Hes sending me mail telling me he wants me arrested...for what I dont know. Ive stayed away from him as I cant stand the way he speaks to me. ITs really tought to get to grips on. My mums had a breakdown and all he does is demand. His mother who is simply lovely is now calling to ask for things. Her words are his..its like shes scared of him. Shes a beautiful lady whom I have aclose relationship with and dearly love but hes cracking her now. ITs like nothing is enough any more Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 This seems to be my answer for everythign but have you seen a solicitor? This is harrassment. I know you want him back (only God knows why) but this has gotten to the point where you need to take action. hes thrown you out? Hes harrassing your mother? When are you going to DO something to protect yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 Yes i have sort legal advice, but the law is on his side in this country. Emotion doesnt come into it. His name was out on the title deeds by me and I trusted him to look after me. He hasnt. Hes a mentalist or a narcissist. My home was my life since it was built and hes took it all. Now he even wants the food back in the fridge!!! I look at all hes done the prostitutes for years. the condoms int he car, the sex internet datng websites the viagra, the girl in the bar and then to top it he takes my home. I still feel a wreck and am starting to feel hurt mixed with anger. Am angry at myself for still wanting the disgusting toe rag. I feel like a circus freak show. Hes humiliated me completetly. My brain feels numb. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 And this too shall pass! You have to go through the grieving process and you will be okay. Just try to stay focused on your feelings and don't get stuck in bitterness and anger. Try to keep getting up and prayer also works. God Bless!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Hes been taking Cocaine for years. How can I have been so stupid. Apparently he has even had parties with Cocaine at OUR HOME and I never new. Am disgusted. IT just goes from bad to worse. I dont know much about drugs but maybe this expalins the lies the deceit his awful behaviour. I just dont understand how. Why didnt I see something? Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Coke adds an entirely new flavour. Bust him. Drugs are much more important than a gf/wife. Drugs will leave a permanent flavour with him too. I respect your loyalty. But you have got to leave for your own sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 I am torn up. How can i have missed this!!cocaine. A user for years. Can anyone help by telling me about a persons behaviour when on cocaine? People have known for years why has no one told me. Ive wasted 14 years of my life. I am angry with me. HOw do people come off cocaine? cocanine and prostitution, God am so stupid. x Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 The4 person that you fell in love with would seem dynamic and alert. All from the drug. Eventually his nose would start to bleed as cocaine removes his sinuses. His brain is set on the next fix. Cocaine is his mistress. He needs professional help. Love, rebuild yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 In the same way he is addicted to cocain, you are addicted to him. What I would percieve as co-dependent... Sometimes the most toxic relationships are the hardest to overcome.... Tough Love and Co-dependent no more may be some self help books to occupy your mind... It may give you a better understanding and help you... You may have to come to some kind of realization that you cannot control what is happening right now.... A hard pill to swallow.... begging, pleading is not the way to go.... baby steps to just getting thru the day without contact and developing a life without him in it.... even if you need to make a list of things to do for the day to occupy your mind.... Staying strong, not having contact portrays a more strong, confident person that may be so unpredictable to him.... "How can he miss you if you don't go away".... Take control and let him wonder what you are up to.... Very hard to do... but can be very rewarding for you in the long run... Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I don't think the latest posters have read through your thread. I am actually surprised that you find this a shocking revelation. I understand you can't believe he was doing it all along - and how did you not see it. But you haven't seen a whole lot very clearly when it comes to this loser. Did you get your kitties back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bermuda Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 Yes the kit kats are back with me!!! No maybe I shouldnt be suprised at Coacine. But until you have spent 14 years with one person and then they are gone its just hard. Iam alot better than before but my brain still is unclear. I have people to help me but its only me at the end of the day that can help me. one minute am ok the next pretend through my teeth am ok. I just dont know what to feel. I go out and try so hard. I jsuty canty get my head round my own life. I havnt seen my partner for weeks. Its hard, I will get there I know but sometimes it feels like it someone else not me xx Link to post Share on other sites
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