Cheated .. get him back from the OW

[Heather1]

Are you sticking w/ it because once you're married, you'll be the love to change his bad ass ways?? That ring will not signify an undying love & commitment...just kids & bills & more women, etc.. The guy doesn't love, and you're just hanging in there for a couple of morsels. Being married will make this all worse for you. Go on a two week trip & get away from it. Come back to counseling & some support to find out why you stayed with this guy in the first place. Some women can't see the end of a relationship when it comes.

 

I'm not being mean. Does he make you feel like the best person you can be when you're around him? Or like a lunatic? Guys who know how to love know how to make you feel really good. You've been with him so long, you're getting your feelings mixed up as love.

 

You're afraid to let go, and sadly that will be the only thing that will ever bring him around (if it's possible). But by the time you've moved on, you'll have a clearer perspective of who he is & won't want him back.

[LovieDove24]

Realize that you are treating yourself JUST as horribly as he is.

 

Now who do you actually have control over to fix that? Him or You?

[Awakening]

Believe it or not Bermuda your last post shows that you are progressing in your recovery.

 

It sounds like you have people around who care about you. That is so very important. And yes at the end of the day we are alone but it will get better. Believe me, I speak from experience. I could be the the poster child for codependence. I have been where you are right now.

 

I'm so glad you have your cats with you. Pets offer unconditional love when we need it the most. And you need it right now.

 

You will get through this. You will, and when it is all over you will have reached a level of self awareness that will allow you to move onto a much healthier relationship with a much healthier person.

[bermuda]

I met with my ex Fiancee last night. My choice to start to act like adults. I realised that deep down I love him. We had an hour of screaming and a few hours of calm and adult conversation. I saw the person still love inside although he took some digging out. What I did realise that there were no drug parties at my home maybe the odd bit of cocaine on a social night out but thats it. No heavy coke head. IT did seem out of character but when people tell you lies you dont know who to believe. I asked about hte prostitution, he denied it but that was a lie.

I went back emotionally weeks. I thought not seeing him would help me but its made me worse. Now I am struggling to even think straight. Once again I had far too much to drink. He did sit and lie to me bare face on other things and I really dont know why..he has nothing to lose. I ended up drunk on my parents doorsteps sobbing.

So now what. everythings gone backward at high speed.

[Awakening]

Hmm...so you don't see him for awhile and begin to feel better and then you see him and what happens? Right back into the depths of despair.

 

Pretty obvious isn't it? If it doesn't feel good then don't do it!

 

Just stay away from this guy. Being around him makes you feel bad and do stupid stuff.

 

Also, he is gaslighting you in a major way, trying to downplay all of the crap he's done over the years.

 

I understand that you feel like you threw away 14 years but that is no reason to want to throw away the rest of your life with this liar. After you work through the pain and get on your feet again emotionally you will realize that it wasn't all a waste but staying on would have been.

 

Move on. I promise you that it will get better. Yes, you will have crappy days but they will pass. After awhile you will notice that you have more good days than bad. But, if you continue contact with him you can count on further self destruction.

 

Be strong.

[bermuda]

Well I cant thank you enough for your replies. It helps alot to read and think about. The thing I have realised that no matter what I still love him. I know it sounds crazy but I do. After our meeting yes emotionally I have gone back weeks but alot has to do with confirming what I already knew. Just because the normal thing to do would be to kick him between the legs and run for the hills. But I asked alot of questions when we met .Some were answered with lies and some truths. I do believe yes to the Prostitution but a def no the drugs. I only know as there has def been a case of mistaken identity. That I know to be the truth. But I love this guy. I do want him back..maybe then in the future it will work out that I wont as there is alot of damage, but for now I do, I really do. My parents are pulling there hair out. But typical the more they push me away from him the harder I drive towards him. They have made it very clear that if I have him back then its going to be unpleasent. They cant forgive him for making me so ill and for the police etc ...but I know he will lie and still is but you know what if i can live with this does this make me a bad person??

x

[Athena]

but you know what if i can live with this does this make me a bad person??

x

 

Nope, it doesn't make you a 'bad' person to want to live with him, just a stupid one.

 

Seriously. Its not about whether you love him or not. Its about whether you have a loving relationship with a partner who Equally Loves You Back. And you don't.

Its stupid to make a decision to want to live with him, when CLEARLY he does not care for you. Not only that, but he acted in a very cruel way. And did terrible things to you that not even a stranger on the street has done to you.

 

Stop being so pathetic that you go back for some more.

Start Loving Yourself!!!!!!

[Island Girl]

But I asked alot of questions when we met .Some were answered with lies and some truths.

 

You can't be sure any of what he said was true if you know that he was lying.

 

Seriously you really need to get into therapy and get to the bottom of why you feel so worthless and deserving of such abusive treatment.

[bermuda]

Well what can I say. I hear everyone screamimg run away but I just keep beggng n begging. I cant stop loving this guy. You cant just turn off 14 years of love despite everything. I still cry nightly and since seein ghim I have bolted backwards emotionally to the day he left. I cant seem to climb back out of this hole again. I didnt think i would. We have had 5 hours together today and its tore me up inside, really badly. My parents have gone nuts poss want me to leave as the strain of all the activities s too much. They just want to hurt him, and I dont. ITs awful atmosphere

x

[Athena]

You're a sucker for punishment. Clearly you wont leave him. So, you will put up with his maniacal behavior whenever he acts out, just so you can have some love and good times with him when he is good to you?

If you think you cannot extricate yourself from him now, what makes you think it is going to be any easier in the future?

 

And, out of curiosity, does HE want you back? What happened to the barmaid? Tell you what, if he does want you back, say on one condition -- that he sign the house over to you....

[bermuda]

I know and read your reply, I can see myself outside looking in. Its like puttng your hand in a light switch and being told not to and you just jab it in alot harder. I have tried to talk to my friends about this and its like I cant stop. I hear every word they say...and my parents too but its like I cant stop. It feels like an addiction. Of course any one else wo came to me with problems like this I would be dragging them away kicking and screaming.

But I cant stop. Its like I need to win hm back to know if we slept together how would I really feel.? WE have talked, hes not happy, but hes stll with her. Hes not found the gold at the end of the rainbow, his words. But I cant stop loving him , maybe if I got him back reality would kick in I would think of all hes done which I know is so bad.

My friends say I sound like a battered wife. Its hard when your so deep in this emotionally how to think straight. I obviously have no common sense at the moment. But he knows exactly how to play me. I can see straight through him I know him better than anyone.

If I had common sense I would have gone for the jugular by now. ITs like looking through a window in my life and as hard as I try I cant climb through it. He is still lieing through his teeth about everything, he couldnt lie straight in bed if he tried. But I have no answers as to my behaviour.

Hes deceitful I can see it and dont react. I dont trust him but I dont know why I would want a l want a life which such a man, but I stupidly continue to want him. Hes constantly 'all about him' attitude which makes me want to scream at him very loudly. Hes nice because he wants something.What he needs is counselling not a new girlfriend.

I was ok till I saw him then my mental state got sucked right back to day one. I never ever thoought I would be in this place at 36. Im a well educated have a degree and a good family so why cant I move my brain into reacting normally?x

[blueintheface]

i think your pride is battered and you've lost the most important thing - the feeling of having control of your life. some people feel the need to win back their cheater to regain that feeling of control because it is damn scary whwen your life is spiralling madly.

 

i suggest you focus on your inner well being (therapy, books, etc), appearance (exercise, makeup), job and friends. don't focus on him. if you want to win him back, don't focus on him. ifb you want to regain control of your life, don't focus on him. if you want to get him backk to chuck away, don't focus on him. get your life together. he was a part of it but he is not the whole of it.

 

but somehow i doubt you will take this advice. just remember, when you look back on this, you have always had control to stop this madness, you just really don't want to.

 

Its hard when your so deep in this emotionally how to think straight. I obviously have no common sense at the moment. But he knows exactly how to play me. I can see straight through him I know him better than anyone.

 

pffft. you know exactly what to do, you just don't want to because it's too hard or whatever excuse you want to give. and that last sentence is obviously delusional. obviously you didnt know he did drugs & cheated on you with prostitutes so frankly you didn't know him better than anyone. this isnt a sudden midlife crisis, it has been going on for years. i'm sorry i'm being harsh but it's so frustrating.

[Athena]

this isnt a sudden midlife crisis, it has been going on for years. i'm sorry i'm being harsh but it's so frustrating.

 

Hmm it's called Selective Memory... think I have had it too.

[bermuda]

Everything you say is so right and yes I even feel your frustration.!! I am angry with myself for not doing the right if not sane thing! Yes I do feel somewhat out of control..in all aspects of my life and I am control freak so that is one battle. I do keep myself busy, I workout daily to keep myself busy and also to keep my apprearance. I am a persoanl trainer and DAnce trainer so I have to have some form of accountability for my appearance. But I have maybe gone a little overboard on that! I keep myself dresssed very smartly and take pride in this. Silly really my theory is I dont want my ex Fiancee to look back to think I have let myself go! Infact when we met he got all upperty about how well I looked and was dresses. Quite sarcastic infact that I 'obviously was doing ok by the way I looked' I do know from a friend that his new girlfriend isnt as smartly dressed as myself..so mentally that was red rag to bull to me. It obviously irritated him. So on all that front Im ok.

Please dont think I am some insane 36year old. I am an intelligent girl but seem to have reacted badly to this. I though I was strong.

Why do I want him back.......I do still love him but in an odd way of thinking...if I get him back which I want to, I will know whether or not I am going to be ok..as I am either going to lie in bed with him and my brain finally registers what he has done, and I will walk away or I will be able to move on and forward with him.

Im very lost and each day feels surreal. My blogs must be read as I am bonkers! I am not.

Its like I cant even register the prostitutes, Cococaine and all the other crap....but at some point I will..and then I think I will have to deal with all that.

Can I trust him...no if you want the honest answer, but I dont knw why I love a compulsive liar. I have been reading up Emotional Abuse and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.. and I saw my life and my partner. He carries all the traits to the point where I am seeing him infront of me on the net. I ahve cast my mind back over the years and thought alot about our lives. How he slowly chipped away at my friends so I hardly went out, how he manipulates friends to get what he wants and to get them to think hes this amazing person and everyone needs him in their lives. Its hard to read but it does feel a bit like therapy.

I know if i get him back I will move on believe it or not with or maybe without him, but I have to get there to make the decision. Almost backwards logic eh!

I miss him very much be it rightly or wrongly. But I can see at the moment all he thinks about is him, and I feel the hurt of him everyday. He is very selfish very.

I have been out with good friends and have had alot of offers for dates...but each and everyone I have turned down. I checked into a hotel the other night just to clear my head. I thought it might give me a bit of time out..but it didnt. Just gave me a good night sleep.

If i was reading this I would slap me!

Im scared this girl who is clearly after his money, will get pregnant. And That would bring me too my knees in a flash. I cant stop thinking about it. I think that is my main problem.

x:(

[bermuda]

And yes reading back how could I know him..I didnt know about the prostitutes and cocaine and the other women. Your right, things sometimes register when you read them. MAybe it is a bit of selective memory...maybe...... and yes things are spiriliing out of control. ITs not that I dont want to do anything its just that I feel totaly upside down totaly. Wahts funi is that if this was happeneing to another girlfriend of mine I would be telling her exactly what everyone is telling me to.

And again I made him all my life and really he should have been part of it.

I need to stand up to him some more as hes still when hes speaking to me trying to manipulate me. I can feel it happening.

I just want to get the power back to me and turn the tables xx:bunny:

[Athena]

I have been reading up Emotional Abuse and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.. and I saw my life and my partner. He carries all the traits to the point where I am seeing him infront of me on the net.

 

You put him on a pedestal? Well, no wonder he stayed with you for 14 years! you were feeding his ego; he needed that.

 

Something changed and he wasn't getting his needs adequately met any more? Or he just decided to cut you out of his life -- these are classic signs and symptoms of a Narcissist.

 

Look it up, see if it fits.

 

Sigh -- so he is a narcissist! Geez, I am getting pretty good at spotting them now, even in posts, lol... all thanks to being married to one for years!

 

Listen Bermuda. You are clearly desperate.

Do you hear me?

 

You are also addicted to this man.

I am not sure how best to break an addiction, but you might attend some 12 step program like Children of Alcoholic parents, so that you can get some help. Will you go?

[Athena]

BTW you never said how exactly it came about that you got your cats back from him?

 

Did he actually agree to give them back to you?

 

What is he saying about stealing your house? I mean, does he know he did that to you, or is he pretending it IS HIS house? Or what? You never explained any of his point of view. Please do.

[Athena]

Start keeping a journal. Write in it every day.

 

That will help with the 'selective memory' thing you have, of remembering the good times counterbalanced with Reality.

Do it.

[Island Girl]

The first thing you can do to assist yourself with getting a REAL perspective is stop referring to this as LOVE.

 

You are in a horrible emotional and mental abusive cycle.

 

IT IS NOT LOVE.

 

What you feel for him IS NOT LOVE.

 

It is an impossibility to LOVE someone who is so abusive to you.

It is an impossibility for him to LOVE you and yet treat you so badly.

 

Saying over and over "but I love him" is a LIE.

You have been lying to yourself for a VERY VERY LONG TIME.

 

You can not discern real love at this point.

 

But if you stop lying to yourself even in this tiny way at least you can start to address the confusion.

It is the healthy first step.

 

You are wrapped up in trauma and you have made the classic mistake of believing that the pain means LOVE.

IT DOESN'T.

 

That is NOT real.

That is emotional trauma.

 

Call it anything else.

BUT QUIT SAYING THE WORD LOVE IN ANY CAPACITY WHEN IT COMES TO HIM OR YOU.

 

PLEASE.

[blueintheface]

Please dont think I am some insane 36year old. I am an intelligent girl

 

^^That's why i find it frustrating. You are abviously intelligent and i just want to beat my head against a wall because you know better but you take the short term easy, long term harder route. Gaaaaah!!

 

ok, some of the things you are doing are spot on. what i do after a breakup which may help you:

 

1. cry, scream, go emo, watch chick flicks, become a hermit and wear your baggysweats at home. No more than 2 weeks. After that 2nd week, toughen up.

 

2. no contact! delete email, phone, don't go places you know he will be. tell your pals to help you. don't talk about him. i usually get rid of sentimental stuff too.

 

3. go shopping. probably shallow but it makes me feel better. buy something that makes you look and feel good. a splurge whether it be a cashmere top or nice jeans or do a relaxing spa day.

 

4. keep busy by hanging out with friends. no accepting dates for at least 3 months. no alcohol either. go to places that are single friendly and not pickup joints.

 

5. don't forget the good memories. they are yours and i don't think they should be overshadowed by his twat behaviour.

 

6. remember why things won't work out for the two of you eventhough you love him. remember why you two broke-up. hell, write a list and stick it on your refrigerator. this is the hardest thing ever but let go before you go a 2nd round with him. truly let go!!!!!!!!!!!this stage means forgiveness for yourself. forgive yourself that you didn't see it coming. forgive yourself for still loving him despite the fact he is a major twat. write the word twat across his forehead on his photoes that you keep. this isn't for you, it's for me because i'm pissed off and it'll make me feel better.

 

i hope you move on. i hope your feelings of attachment won't over-ride your responsibility to look after YOU. seriously baby or not, you have no control over his actions. the only person you control is yourself and right now you're giving him power of control over you. he doesn't control you. you just LET him have his way.

 

good luck bermuda.

[bermuda]

Athena, Island Girl and Blue in the Face, who ever you are thankyou. Blueintheface your use of the word twat really made me laugh out loud as thats how hes behaving!!!

Well another 24 hours. Yes your right I feel addicted addicted to him and how he treats me. I feel like hes my drug and I cant cope without it. Addidction is the right word and I feel co dependent if that sounds not too mad!! Hes like a drug and I need a hit. My brain doesnt seem to function normally where hes concerned. I ccan go to work function normally, train my team and then totlay lose it where he is concerned. I dont know how to turn my brain around to get it to move on. He occupies my thoughts every minute. I feel angry and desperate. I never in my wildest thoughts could believe any man could affect me physically and mentally. I lookat my life in boxes and sob. Am 36 adn I let him take it all. The cats well my sister got them by calling them, he was pissed but not that much. House wise well he keeps telling me its his home. But I lived there for ten years. We brought it from new a shown home with beautiful gardens. And he has no remorse about taking it. The sad thing is and its really sad that is if I won the lottery hed be crawling back. Money governs his life. I know hand on heart hes selfish and life revolves around him. Hes built up this image to everyone that hes great, just mr perfect. He tells lies to his friends to manipulate them and he does really easily. He ran off with this other tramp and told his mates when they tried to put him on the spot, he did it for their good!!! What a skank. Yes hes a liar, deceitful and has slept with god knows how many prostititues so when can I not get it to sink in to my dum head!!!! When I have met him to discuss house things etc..all I hear is me me me me. I do get angry in my head. Why cant I just push him away? Why do I cry everynight for him and have done since the day he left. Its not normal. My weights dropped, I hardly sleep, I workout to the point of using it to switch my brain off. Ive got great friends but even one of them cried as to not being able to help me. I just feel well I dunno all over the place. Somedays I jsut dont want to wake up as the days feel the same. AM ok at work but nighttimes I am hopeless. Why do I imgen him sleeping with her? I am a normal girl and change in me is shocking. HEs a twat I know doesnt deserve me I know but I just keep putting my finger in the light socket but harder each time. I know I wont settle till I get him back, and then I will know whats what. Its like I need to go backwards to move on. I am sensible and have a loving family a great education but am behaving like a twat myself. I find it hard to look into mirrors picking fault with me all the time. But your repiles help. I readf them over and slowly ur chipping away at my stupid brain!! What you all say is right I know I can see that. But at the moment I am really struggling to function. Please bear with me xx

[Athena]

Bear with you? Of course!

 

Who am I not to? I have stuck with my N. H for years and years, so I do understand the desperateness of getting back what you first had with him... and he may decide to give that to you, but then again, he may not.

[Athena]

write the word twat across his forehead on his photoes that you keep. this isn't for you, it's for me because i'm pissed off and it'll make me feel better.

 

 

I LOVE this!!!!!! :lmao:

[Athena]

Athena, Island Girl and Blue in the Face, who ever you are thankyou.

 

All I want is a personal training session in return!