yes Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 So there was an article in a magazine that was saying that some parents, who really want their kids to be happy, overpamper them, sometimes at the expense of their own happiness, and that such upbringing doesn't create people who'd be OK on their own. Instead, it creates self-centered people who assume their parents will pay their rent until they're 30. The article was talking about an extreme but it sparked a discussion with my parents. I was trying to tell them that a person needs to learn to be on their own gradually - i.e. at any age X+1, s/he has more decisions that s/he makes than at age X. That way, it's not like everything's decided for you & done for you until you're 20 and then BOOM - you're on your own. Now, I agree that it's not all in the parents - how much independence the kid asks for is also a big factor. I had never asked for it until I was 19 or so, and it caused big fights when I do, now. Unfortunately they have a great weapon of guilt. Anyway, what came out of it is that my mother things I'm a rebellious baby who's incapable of making good day-to-day decisions =( Although I disagree, it's too bad she sees me that way. I was trying to say that instead of telling me to go to university and not even giving me any options three years ago, it'd be better if the decision was mine, even if that meant working for a year or so before I realize i want to be more educated. They don't get it. They say - university was the right choice, so whatcha talking 'bout, you rebellious baby? Moreover, I was trying to explain that once I move out, it's complete, i.e. they're not going to be buying things for me anymore (because they're already talking about buying me a computer, errgh). I feel like a ungrateful brat for refusing their plans of supporting me, but I really don't think they should & I don't see the problem - if I won't have the $ for a computer, I'll use the ones at school. I was trying to say that even more important than learning to be financially independent is learning to be mentally independent. My parents' plan was to have me live at home until i get married - me being on my own wasn't even an issue, until i fought about it for a good while until they accepted the idea. I was saying that at 21, i shouldn't have to tell them where i'm going in detail & with who & what time i'll be back. Guess what - they said they'd want the same kind of monitoring once i move out! errrggghhh... Just ranting, but comments certainly welcome. Maybe I'm dealing with it in the wrong way ... maybe i should just thank them for whatever they did for me, and do my thing from here on. I dunna. I don't feel like hiding my opinion. sigh, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 Sounds like you've attempted to communicate your opinion on the subject, and that they have chosen to do with it what they will (ie ignore it completely and continue to patronize you.) You would not be "hiding" your opinion if you choose to not share it with them. Relentless optimism that a person who did not understand you yesterday might understand you tomorrow typically leads to frustration. I think your plan of thanking them for all they've done for you and doing your own thing anyway is a good one. They seem to expect you to "throw temper tantrums," and their response to that is as programmed as their need to "take care of their baby." Sounds like time for you to change your pattern of behavior for your own sanity! Good Luck, and happy venting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted October 1, 2003 Author Share Posted October 1, 2003 thanks for your reply, beth! i've talked to my dad some more about it - he seems to understand... mom's just upset that i'm not eternally thankful for everything they've done for me *sigh* oh well. I wish they'd realize that once they let go of me and let me have my own life, i'll come around & be close with them, albeit in a different way. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 Sometimes its very VERY difficult for a parent to let go. The standard was set a long time ago and it sounds like your mothers focus in her life was almost totally You. She may be very scared and worried that she didn't teach you enough to protect yourself or did not do right by you in some regard and will hold herself responsible for any bad decisions you may make. That's a very painful thing for a parent to admit to themself and those feelings often manifest themselves in overprotectiveness and can be interpreted as control issues. Maybe some reassurance to your parents that they have raised you right and given you tools to make your own decisions will help. Also reassure them that you know you will make some mistakes - we all do, but that you also know how much they love you and that you will be comfortable asking for their help or emotional support in the future if you need it. Also, also - don't disregard EVERYTHING they say just because they get on your nerves. Give them some credit for knowing things that you don't. BENEFIT from their experience! (like going to college directly after high school) It is possible to avoid making some of the same mistakes your parents have made, thus avoiding some heartbreak or depression or whatever, by truly listening to them and following some of their advice. Leaving home is an adjustment for everyone and it just takes some time to establish new routines, etc. If you live in a dorm or your own apartment and you are going away for a weekend, or even overnight, show them the courtesy of letting them know so that if they try to call you and don't get an answer they won't panic. Let them know your course schedule and if you set aside the same time each day or week for studying - let them know that too so that they don't call and interrupt you. They will adjust to not having you around so much, and you can help their adjustment, and yours, by keeping them informed about your schedule, but you don't have to give them a play-by-play of your daily activities, dates, etc. You can call them a couple times a week just to let them know you are okay and that calling frequency can dwindle after a while. You are an adult now and can consider other peoples feelings and how your actions may make them feel, and not just think about how their actions make you feel. Figure out some compromises and realize that this won't last forever. We all make adjustments and changes every day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted October 1, 2003 Author Share Posted October 1, 2003 True, Hokey, I do feel bad for not really acknowledging what they DID do for me, but it's very hard to be nice when they're pulling hard in the direction against mine. It's very hard to aks for advice when what you get in return isn't advice but a description of what I should do. I try to be patient about it most of the time, but sometimes i snap and speak my mind. thanks for your reply, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
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