Is 'Dinner with a Friend' Code for "Dinner with a Woman' ? Is he cheating ?

[2sunny]

oh hell yeah

if he calls me up last minute saying he is to sick i will say oh i will come over and take care of him

 

yep

 

honey, wake up! he already called to cancel and you aren't recognizing it! he's not taking you out tonight.

[Nagini]

i still vote for following him - he will go out...

 

if not, drop by with some soup around 730 or 8 and see if he answers the door.

 

even if he weren't feeling well - it's v-day - he would still ask you to come over and hang out with him if he didn't feel well enough to go out.

 

he's totally blowing you off, and you want dinner out so desperately with him that you continue to agree to crumbs, so now he HAS to find a way out - and that is by being sick. :rolleyes:

 

im not desperate to have dinner out

 

hes done that a million times

 

i just want answers

 

ALL my friends already have plans and if i tell ANY of them about this day theyll go ballistic.

[2sunny]

this is so you can save face with your friends?

 

something about it all is still VERY FISHY! it stinks! he'll cancel. you already look desperate from his perspective.

 

make plans to follow him at this point and find out the TRUTH, because he certainly isn't willing to tell it to you.

 

may i ask how old you both are?

[Nagini]

this is so you can save face with your friends?

 

something about it all is still VERY FISHY! it stinks! he'll cancel. you already look desperate from his perspective.

 

make plans to follow him at this point and find out the TRUTH, because he certainly isn't willing to tell it to you.

 

may i ask how old you both are?

 

he's 40, im 31

 

i dont care about saving face with my friends

they always tend to over react so im waiting until i have solid answers

 

if he doesnt show i now have a back up plan.

if he cancels and doesnt let me come see him/take care of him while sick i wont CARE what he thinks of me

[Nagini]

this is so you can save face with your friends?

 

something about it all is still VERY FISHY! it stinks! he'll cancel. you already look desperate from his perspective.

 

make plans to follow him at this point and find out the TRUTH, because he certainly isn't willing to tell it to you.

 

may i ask how old you both are?

 

 

he didn;t cancel

picked me up 15 minutes early.

he was sick and was sweet enough to tak eme to dinner and buy me gift anyway

he offered to take me home after dinner cause he felt crappy and i offered to take care of him

i took care of him all night with hugs and now Im sick today after drinking his tap water.

Busy calling water company and no more time to deal with people of loveshack giving crappy advice.

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

Notice that the crappy advice is always consistent with how poorly you have reported this guy treating you.

 

I'm serious, Nan - five weeks is not enough for him to change. Even if you have to go back and read every single post you have written about him, at the very least force yourself to tuck away some part of your heart and be careful!

 

Behavior is pattern based. Study the patterns, and never, ever set yourself up to be surprised by something that he does or says.

 

 

See if he is as anxious about being with you as you are with him. It is sounding like you are making a lot of emotional effort, and he is simply just being himself.

 

A lot of us have been on the narcissist-go-round (I'm in the exact same spot I was in when I first started posting here five years ago!), the abuse-go-round, the cheater-go-round and I can tell you this - the saying "a leopard doesn't change its spots" was coined for a reason. The benefit of the doubt is never a good thing when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

All I'm saying is be careful. The stuff you have posted about him is not something that just changes in the course of a month. Give it time, and lots of it. Make him prove to you that he is serious.

[Trialbyfire]

i hate that i have this 100% track record of being right with my gut intuition.

and the few times ive ignored ive kicked myself.

I'm quoting your comments for effect. Learn it and live it.

 

Even your friends tell you HJNITY, therefore, it's one of two things. Either the men you date are jerks OR you misrepresent them. There's only one constant in your dating experiences and communications with people outside your dating relationships. Bear it in mind.

[marlena]

the saying "a leopard doesn't change its spots" was coined for a reason. The benefit of the doubt is never a good thing when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

 

So, so true. I wish I knew this when I was in my twenties and thirties. A person tells you who he is and what his feelings are practically from the get go whether he/she realizes it or not, it is there for you to see if you squinch your eyes and see beyond the fog that is so much a part of falling in love. No excuses, no confusion, no doubts, no double talk. It either welds or doesn't. Truly, it is that simple. You can not enforce love and even if you do, one day it will come back and bite you in the arse.

[2sunny]

he didn;t cancel

picked me up 15 minutes early.

he was sick and was sweet enough to tak eme to dinner and buy me gift anyway

he offered to take me home after dinner cause he felt crappy and i offered to take care of him

i took care of him all night with hugs and now Im sick today after drinking his tap water.

Busy calling water company and no more time to deal with people of loveshack giving crappy advice.

 

 

well - i too am laughing - because his words said he would take you home (bold part) and your actions (underlined) controlled the outcome by TRYING to take care of him - making everything to appear ok.

 

it's still not ok - from the perspective that i am seeing it from. you are in denial of what is actually happening here in the big picture. denial or delusional - one of the two, you can look up the meaning of both.

 

keep posting about what happens next, it's bound to be very predictable and you will need some help coping. we are here to help, no matter what happens.

 

honestly, i wish i could believe it would be a happy ending...

[whichwayisup]

Your gut instinct was right.. Anyway, you need to find out about this "friend."

 

Another thing, you shouldn't be involving your EX in this, seeing as you KNOW he wants you back.. Did you ever stop to think what you opening up and letting your ex into your private life would do to him? I mean, now you're back and OK with the new boyfriend, your ex is probably upset wondering WTF? She used me!! Talked to me, wanted me to make her feel better and now she's back with this other guy?

 

Good luck in life.

[Nagini]

alright , alright.... i eat my words...

he has called me sunday, emailed me monday, called me last night too

 

which would seem caring.

and yes he is insanely stress trying to raise millions in cap. for his biz within next 2 weeks...

 

but, but I just sense this sarcastic distancing vibe.

before when he was stressed he would say he was stressed BUT still show he cared...

 

and not to sound ungrateful but the more i think about the valentine's gifts the worse they seem....

this is a man who deems himself beyond romantic and poetic and also says he likes to be lavish with loved ones....

his gift was very well thought out from me, but what he gave me seemed like last minute grab

 

something is off and i have to give you all credit.

feh.

[Nagini]

A lot of us have been on the narcissist-go-round (I'm in the exact same spot I was in when I first started posting here five years ago!), the abuse-go-round, the cheater-go-round and I can tell you this - the saying "a leopard doesn't change its spots" was coined for a reason. The benefit of the doubt is never a good thing when it comes to matters of the heart.

I have dear real world friends and a few have sent me links on 'signs you are dating someone with NPD"

he hits most of the signs.....

 

grrr.

 

[Nagini]

Your gut instinct was right.. Anyway, you need to find out about this "friend."

 

Another thing, you shouldn't be involving your EX in this, seeing as you KNOW he wants you back.. Did you ever stop to think what you opening up and letting your ex into your private life would do to him? I mean, now you're back and OK with the new boyfriend, your ex is probably upset wondering WTF? She used me!! Talked to me, wanted me to make her feel better and now she's back with this other guy?

 

Good luck in life.

my ex is currently seeing a girl, so even though he wants me to move still he is living his life.... we're great friends if nothing else.... he actually told me he is too biased to give advice..

which means he IS agood guy. he isnt trying to angle for a selfish outcome. he told me he wants me to be happy.

[2sunny]

it's easier for us to see because we don't have the emotional attachment that you have.

 

we don't say mean things to make you wonder or to make you defensive... we say the obvious given that these tend to run in patterns and when you read the same circumstances for years - well, you usually see the outcome as soon as the scenario is presented.

 

people usually come here to post because they do wonder... hmmmm, is this what i think it might be?

 

when the facts are typed out - it's usually pretty black and white and plain to see.

 

the hard part is getting the original poster to take action on a crummy situation they might be in.

 

the best solution is if they set a healthy boundary and stick to it - that tends to help. also tends to keep them from putting up with too much crap on a daily basis.

 

just keep in mind to pay attention to his actions, that tells you way more of the truth than his words.

 

is he still sick or did he have a "miraculous recovery?"

 

i'd also pin him down on which "friend" he met up with last week. if he hesitates to tell you, then you know he has something to hide. ask questions about where they went and what time they met... that might give you enough time to read his body language and see if he gets nervous when asked. he's nervous if he starts to fidget, hands to the neck, move around in his seat, changes the subject, hands move around a bit more when asked and will be lying if he covers his mouth when he answers your questions.

[Nagini]

well this is interesting.....he called me around 4 pm today. asked me to call him back and said her hoped I was well.

i had already sent him an email that Im sick with the flu....

so i decided to wait to call him back

 

last tuesday is when he mentioned 'dinner with a friend'

well called him at 9 pm

no answer

 

this is a man who is glued to his mobile for work...

he sleeps with it next to him

 

also emailed him something else.

 

i know its only half hour later...

but fishy...

 

he'll probably say he was at the movies, BUT he told me Im his movie date from now on....

 

Im just posting here at this point so i can keep track..........

[Nagini]

[Nagini]

Nope still no return call..............

[2sunny]

well this is interesting.....he called me around 4 pm today. asked me to call him back and said her hoped I was well.

i had already sent him an email that Im sick with the flu....

so i decided to wait to call him back

 

last tuesday is when he mentioned 'dinner with a friend'

well called him at 9 pm

no answer

 

this is a man who is glued to his mobile for work...

he sleeps with it next to him

 

also emailed him something else.

 

i know its only half hour later...

but fishy...

 

he'll probably say he was at the movies, BUT he told me Im his movie date from now on....

 

Im just posting here at this point so i can keep track..........

 

probably called at 4 so he could get his phone conversation in before he went out. not available now because he's with someone. ASK HIM! or tell him you don't need to see him anymore.

 

he obviously has something going on Tuesday eve - so find out. you could drive by his house and see if he's home - as long as you're feeling better. speaking of that, he didn't hardly acknowledge that you were sick? geeez, you took care of him while he was "sick" - but he made an early phone call and blew off any caretaking for the evening.

 

now you really have me wondering what he's up to... just ask! no reason not to know at this point. will at least be interesting to see if he tells the truth. maybe he joined a Tuesday bowling league or something... :lmao:

[Nagini]

probably called at 4 so he could get his phone conversation in before he went out. not available now because he's with someone. ASK HIM! or tell him you don't need to see him anymore.

 

he obviously has something going on Tuesday eve - so find out. you could drive by his house and see if he's home - as long as you're feeling better. speaking of that, he didn't hardly acknowledge that you were sick? geeez, you took care of him while he was "sick" - but he made an early phone call and blew off any caretaking for the evening.

 

now you really have me wondering what he's up to... just ask! no reason not to know at this point. will at least be interesting to see if he tells the truth. maybe he joined a Tuesday bowling league or something... :lmao:

 

 

Im already guessing his excuse tomorrow....

he didn't want to 'disturb me' since I was sick and since had such a busy day he went to bed early...

He lives 20 minutes away so its not easy to swing on by....

but his neighbors know me now .....

 

the fact that he didnt reply to any of my emails makes me CERTAIN he is with someone right now...

 

 

he is completely plugged into facebook and regular email all the time...

[Nagini]

yes the 4pm was weird timing

he knows im busy in the afternoon and always calls morning or night.

[2sunny]

that's why you will need to know the facts from him.

 

he obviously has something on Tuesdays now. if you had the same thing going i think you would expect him to say something to you if it seemed like a pattern to your "away time."

 

you will need to ask, and think ahead whether or not you can live with him seeing someone else or if you prefer to tell him it's not going to work for you.

 

the bottom line from my perspective is that he's being sneaky about it. why would he just not be upfront and honest about it? oh ya, he wants the best of both worlds for himself... = selfish. that's not attractive from here.

 

i would want a man that called when i'm sick and offered to drop by and bring me medicine and take out food. maybe rub my feet for ten minutes. that's not too much to ask if a man cares and is sweet and loving and thinks of others besides himself. over the top nice would be taking my dog for a quick walk...

[Nagini]

that's why you will need to know the facts from him.

 

he obviously has something on Tuesdays now. if you had the same thing going i think you would expect him to say something to you if it seemed like a pattern to your "away time."

 

you will need to ask, and think ahead whether or not you can live with him seeing someone else or if you prefer to tell him it's not going to work for you.

 

the bottom line from my perspective is that he's being sneaky about it. why would he just not be upfront and honest about it? oh ya, he wants the best of both worlds for himself... = selfish. that's not attractive from here.

 

i would want a man that called when i'm sick and offered to drop by and bring me medicine and take out food. maybe rub my feet for ten minutes. that's not too much to ask if a man cares and is sweet and loving and thinks of others besides himself. over the top nice would be taking my dog for a quick walk...

 

 

Look you and I both know he has to be seeing someone...

even if it dies out, i wont salvage things...

he came on so incredibly sincere and strong about his feelings that i cant cut him a break here.

he is not allowed to go from telling me he is all mine, his heart is mine forever, that we're made for each other and then a few weeks later be doing horizontal limbo with someone new.

 

no way.

[Nagini]

my problem is figuring out HOW to catch him without him making it seem like Im some jealous paranoid chick imagining things......... confused......

 

 

thats all i care about now. finding the clear cold answer and proof and then cutting ties.

[2sunny]

my problem is figuring out HOW to catch him without him making it seem like Im some jealous paranoid chick imagining things......... confused......

 

 

thats all i care about now. finding the clear cold answer and proof and then cutting ties.

 

let's not JUMP to assuming he's sleeping with her. if nothing else, he has something going. if you are unable to drive over there now, then i would call and ask him for the truth.

 

what's wrong with asking? better to ask than to assume. see what he says. don't over react, just face it head on and find out the facts.

[Nagini]

let's not JUMP to assuming he's sleeping with her. if nothing else, he has something going. if you are unable to drive over there now, then i would call and ask him for the truth.

 

what's wrong with asking? better to ask than to assume. see what he says. don't over react, just face it head on and find out the facts.

 

 

He 'joked' Monday night that he is sexually frustrated

 

(we havent done the deed yet... thank God)

 

so thats why im guessing he is trying to get something something on the side...