Wife acting strange during separation, divorce

[Alan430]

I am going though a seperation/divorce now because of very similar reasons. However i believe i began resenting my wife in the beginning for the lack of not doing housework etc. She was a young stay at home mom and would let the house work get so bad that it was probably a health hazard. I begun to take it on myself because as a new father i felt it had to be done for our baby. I have always been a good father to our child and have been a good provider as well as a husband in regards to helping around the house. I cooked, cleaned , did laundry, got the kid ready for school, gave him bath before bed, including all the "Man" jobs around the house. Well i just about did everything, and i was tired. I would find myself staying up really late on the weekends just for some me/quiet time. And my wife worked most weekends and my son was very early to rise everyday. Even the weekends my wife didnt work she would just sleep in regardless of how my son reacted. So he began to come to me in the mornings disregarding his mom. Well its not that it bothered me, i just felt years behind on sleep.

 

Fast forward a few years....

 

This behavior continued no matter how mad i would get or angry so i would just usually whisper something under my breath about it. I became almost stone to her. We would occasionally still have sex, but it was only the physical act. About a year ago she talked of divorce and we decided to work it out. Though i didnt realize the severity of the issue, it seemed to be quickly dismissed by her. I did better for a few weeks and then resorted back , however what she fails to admit in this all is that her part of the reconciliation was to become better at keeping the house clean. That never happend that i can recall.

 

Year later i hear that , i no longer love you that way. In which i have always known i have loved her for many qualities, however living with her was unbarable. At first i begged and pleaded no good. now she has been out of the house for almost and month and when we do see each other she seems very secretive and almost annoyed by me. However she seems like she is trying to act so much happier without me (well she very well maybe happier). But she absolutly seems to want to move on, except money, every few days she calls me in tears claiming she is entittled to this and that(what ever).

 

Now From my wifes side and it is true, I became distant from her. i Found hobbies that would totally exclude her but i always came home after work etc. She claims she would stay up waiting for me to finish whatever until she feel asleep. And that she has felt i didnt love her for so long that she gave up. Sex was always super b/w us however she said she felt more like a piece of meat because she always felt i didnt love her. I didnt hug and kiss her because i was so full of resent toward her and i can see what i have done now. She says that i have made her feel so bad about herself for so long that she doesnt thing her feelings will ever change.

 

When she left the pain was so much that it just melted the resent away. I realized i did love her and i was willing to do anything to save our marriage. I started reading everything i could get my hands in regards to saving a marriage. And i pretty much did the NC but we still had to talk due to our son. But nothing seems to be working. I do believe she is having an emotional affair about to become something more if not already. She is being very secretive with her phone, she keeps the screen hidding from me, and i needed to met her at her work today to finally get our Checking account separated. When i asked if it was ok just to meet her on her lunch to do it, she freaked out. Bottom line was she was ok as long as i didn't show my face around her work, so finally i asked if we should met at the bank and she said yes. So i believe in my case there is another man however she still denies, and she just says gross when i mention the thought of it.

 

I have began to move on and i pushed to finally get things seperated (bank accounts,bills,Phone plans) and start cutting the tie. Did i do the wrong thing? And is NC the wrong thing in these situations? She only seems to want me around for the fact of being financially secure. But she also makes comments like you sure are in a hurry to get this stuff done. I think its probably just me, always taken care of her, and she is freaked. she called me several times now crying about money and asking more then we orginally agreed to making claims that shes entittled to it.

 

 

I would love to her you girls take on my situation, i know its long but it would great to hear some real insight into this feeling.

[LakesideDream]

Alan, Other than the needs of your child, why do you "owe" her financially? From your post I understand shes "working" now.

 

I understand what you have written. Other than the "terminal" house maintaining thing, it's the typical Walk away Wife syndrom of the 21st Century. Read these boards. It's happening with ever increasing frequency. There is nothing I can suggest that I an others haven't written a hundred times. Frankly the whole social / legal system is completely stacked against you. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. If she wants to be "unmarried" then society, her friends, he family, literally everyone from the street sweeper to the President is going to align with her to make it happen.

 

Think long and hard my friend about re-igniting this cycle again once you are single. Make sure "the F-ing you are getting is worth the F-ing your getting" !!

 

As an aside I wonder how the current financial chaos is going to affect the current spate of Walk away Wives. It is some much more effecient to maintain one household than two, I am curious how long it will take for people to realize it.

 

Additionally, people, most often men who are in a "surplus" financial situation, those with at least slightly more income than they require will become those in highest demand. I am curious to see if the current financial downturn will last long enough to begin affecting couples willingness to remain together and work on problems rather than breaking apart when they see the first dark clouds on the horizon. These are interesting times.

[PWSX3]

Lakeside, I heard just the other day that the rate of divorce is down because people are staying together because of the hard times with finances.

 

Alan, I wonder if there is anything us guys can do. I was separated from my stbxw & when we got back together after 7 months I started doing most of the cleaning because she wasn't doing it before our separation & in counseling it was suggested that if I didn't like how the house was cleaned then do it yourself.

When she stopped cooking I just cooked for myself because during the separation I learned to cook & of coarse the foods I cooked she didn't like.

 

I did learn I wanted a clean house, I wanted to eat better then junk food & she could care less and I feel it was just something else to drive us apart.

 

If she has someone else there is nothing you can do about that, it will tear you apart thinking about it. I know in my case there was no other man & she just feels she needs to be on her own for a while since we got married young.

 

Just try & move on, be by yourself for a while & take care of the little one.

[carhill]

OP, try getting yourself some counseling to help you process your emotions. This is sometimes difficult for a man, especially when kids are involved and you must remain in contact with your ex.

 

Be who you want to be, for yourself. Expect that she won't notice, care or respect that. Health will come when that is irrelevant to you. What she says or how she acts is irrelevant. You can't "save" her or the M.

 

If she's a monkey-branch gal with lots of insecurities (the cr@p calls about money are a sign), dollars to donuts there's another guy out there. There always is. Again, not your problem

 

You're a lucky man. You have a son. A young mind to mold. Think about how you want your son to turn out and let that guide your actions.

[theotherwoman100]

Alan...first I applaud you for recognizing errors you have also made! Speaking as a woman, I can tell you that one of our biggest flaws is the "Grudge Factor". Women hold resentment far to long! It ruins a lot of relationships, it effects our sex lives and pretty soon...we are just done. As far as one of your reasons for resentment "house keeping"...people are who they are and we have to accept them as is. You had originally fallen in love with her for great reasons...but with that...you had to accept the bad. Smoking, housekeeping, night owl, not organized, too organized...or we woman have to accept golf, hunting, guys night out, Sunday football, ect. Relationships need to be worked on daily but many couples forget that once they are married. I believe that marriage licenses should expire every five years Couples would try harder! Wishing you the best. Last words of wisdom...life is too short to be miserable...what you learned from this experience will make you THE BEST HUBBIE the next time!

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