Author giotto Posted February 15, 2009 Author Share Posted February 15, 2009 the thing is I've already bent that spoon and now is breaking... but you are right: it's impossibile to set a time limit. I will have to take a decision, a decision I probably already know... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Share Posted February 15, 2009 Sometimes life is about discovering the decisions you've already made. This I know a lot about Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 well, I know the answer... also because the situation is indeed unbearable and I don't quite understand why my wife is prepared to throw away so many years of relationship and traumatise the family... for what? Sex once every other week? She even enjoyed it when we did it! Mmmm... it's a bit beyond me... you know, if I were in her shoes I would sleep with her even if I found it a bit of "job"... but obviouslt things go deeper than that... time to pack my bags... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Put socks in shoes, it saves space. I'm sorry, that was flip.... but you know, your comment about 'throwing away so many years of relationship and traumatising the family' is actually also flawed.... Days drift into weeks, drift into months and drift into years, but they're gone in an instant. I bet you remember your marriage as if it was yesterday. And in a way, it was.... And some people have a far more intense and meaningful relationship in months, than some others do in years, so it's a poor gauge.... Time is irrelevant. it's quality, not quantity. Children are traumatised, of course they are, but if you're open and honest with them, and tell them what they need to know, and let them know in no uncertain terms how much you love them, and that there, nothing will ever change - it's not so hard. Remember, kids nowadays live in an environment where the majority of their friends and peers also come from parents who are now divorced. Many have step-parents too..... Please now I really dow ish you all the very best. Tell her, definitively, that it's over, then tell your kids, face-to-face, together. Then, carry through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 you know, I'm one of those people who never thought this would happen to him/her. I see other people's marriages and how the husbands treat their wives in a appalling way and still I think I'm a very decent, caring man and this is not enough... I have to accept it and I can accept our marriage being over, but I find very difficult to accept that our lovely family is also over... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 No. Your lovely family is NOT over. You are both still parents to the children, and your children are still your children. Simply because you divorce somebody, it doesn't mean you're abandoning or destroying the family. This is purely between you and your wife. When my ex- and I divorced, I urged him, time and time again, to not let his emotional state drive his reason, legally. I likened our divorce to the dissolution of a business arrangement, in which we had to legally divide goods, chattels, property and finances, equally. These are not things that can be decided on an emotional footing, because emotions can warp and distort thinking, and cloud the vision. Such things have to be done almost in cold blood, because they are, fundamentally, nothing to do with the emotional side. Emotions do not figure in the distribution of the coffee table, television, sofa-bed and garden chairs. Emotions are there to deal with the whys and wherefores of your separation as husband and wife. And that is all. Be mindful of keeping the two issues separate, and always, when dealing with mattersd such as these, ask yourself what your motivation is, and what's driving you. Logic and Reason, or Emotions and Feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 No. Simply because you divorce somebody, it doesn't mean you're abandoning or destroying the family. Unfortunately, this is how I feel like... if I move out, we are not a family anymore... it will be 4 children living with their mother and me somewhere else... this is not a family... and it's quite funny I have to leave, since she left me... Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I am a bit surprised that no one has suggested that she see her primary care physician for a meds update. The biggest problem with anti-depressants is that they kill the libido. I could have cared less had I ever had sex again when i was on them. If you have a good marriage except for the sex, then don't you think it makes sense to try to solve the sexual issues (and ADs is a HUGE issue here) before you throw in the towel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 I am a bit surprised that no one has suggested that she see her primary care physician for a meds update. The biggest problem with anti-depressants is that they kill the libido. I could have cared less had I ever had sex again when i was on them. If you have a good marriage except for the sex, then don't you think it makes sense to try to solve the sexual issues (and ADs is a HUGE issue here) before you throw in the towel? I suggested taking "week-end holidays" from the ADs, but she refused. She also tried to get off them, but she says that the anxiety and recurrent thoughts come back with a vengeance and that she cannot live without the ADs... when she was off them, we were having sex 3 times a week, as opposite to once every other week... it was dream come true for me! She won't budge on this and she says that her lack of libido is also partially due to the ADs... what can I do? Nothing. Unfortunately, she's been on them for a long time and when she started taking them our problems started as well... the thing is, she knew this, but couldn't or wouldn't do anything to fix it... my pressure made things worse... I just couldn't understand why she wouldn't put a little effort into our relationship. Result? We are separated now... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 yes.. I think it's too late.. move out.. move on.. it's been over for a loonng time.. she probably just doesn't love you anymore.. the love rarely comes back.. btdt... I left.. like your wife.. I couldn't stand him anymore.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 You don't take "weekend holidays" from ADs. This is why I suggested taking your wife to her doctor, and talking frankly with the doctor with both of you in the room. There are LOTS of medss out there now, and she may need a dosage change or just a completely different med. ADs take the edge off of everything - they make you simply not care. It boggles my mind that you would throw away a good marriage to a woman that you claim to still love, before trying the simplest of fixes WITH a doctor's help. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I'll add, if seeing a doctor regarding the meds, go to a competent psychiatrist or other mental health MD. Also, a psychologist or psychiatrist can teach her cognitive tools to manage anxiety without or with minimal medication. I learned some of these tools in MC while I was still caring for my mom. I've never taken AD's or meds of any sort. Trust me, it wasn't easy Your wife has to want to do these things for herself. She has to be open to potentials. You can't will her to be better or to love you. Personally, I think people need to hit rock bottom before they'll get on the clue train. I know that was the case for me. I thought I was going to die and didn't want that to happen just yet Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 you have a point... but you can have a little holiday from ADs... I take them myself, so I know... it takes 3 days to get your libido back... maybe we are not all the same. The problem with the ADs and going to the doctor together is that she is a very reserved person and I don't think she would do that. Sure, I haven't asked... because she says she feels mentally absolultely fine with them, I'm very reluctant to upset her delicate equilibrium... but we talked about the ADs and I got the impression that she is not prepared to compromise... BTW, I take ADs to kill my libido, since not having sex was driving my up the wall... Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 No you can NOT take a break from ADs. That causes 'antidepressant discontinuation syndome'. Abruptly stopping ADs can cause severe depression, mood swings, anxiety, nausea, tremors, sleeplessness among other side effects. And you think having THOSE feelings will make her want to have sex with you? It should take several months to taper off ADs, and this should be done with a doctor's knowledge and approval. I have NEVER heard of a doctor advising a patient to "take a break" from ADs; it is unsafe for both a patient's head and their body. Personally, I have no idea who prescribed ADs to you for "killing your libido", but that is whack. Why not eat a lot of soy products, which contain phytoestrogens? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Yes, a good friend of mine went off a SSRI without consulting her doctor and ended up crawling around on the floor like an animal in what I understood to be a near psychotic state. Brain meds are serious business, which is why I recommended a psychiatrist to manage care, preferably a progressive one who integrates multiple treatment methods. OP, if you want to kill your libido, masturbate. Works like a charm, for a day anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 well, I wasn't talking about discontinuing the drugs cold turkey... we all know what the effects of that are... I was only talking about a couple of days. There's a lot of research done about this. I know, because I researched the subject... this is a little extract from the first hit on Google (my wife is on paroxetine): Try a "drug holiday". This involves taking a short respite from your medication. Evidence shows that periodic two-day breaks from antidepressants therapy can lower the rate of sexual side effects during the “drug holiday,” without increasing the risk of a recurrence of depressive symptoms. For example, in one study, taking medication Sunday through Thursday and skipping it Friday and Saturday allowed participants to enjoy improved sexual functioning 50% of the time on weekends, with no overall worsening of mood. This approach works with quick-clearing drugs, such as Zoloft (sertraline) and Paxil (paroxetine), but not with Prozac (fluoxetine), which has a longer half-life and therefore clears more slowly from the body. One potential risk with taking a “drug holiday" from antidepressants that have very short half-lives, such as Zoloft and Paxil, is the onset of withdrawal symptoms. http://www.johnshopkinshealthalerts.com/alerts/depression_anxiety/JohnsHopkinsDepressionAnxietyHealthAlert_709-1.html there might be light side-effects, but only in extreme cases... as far as masturbation is concerned... do you think I haven't tried that? Doesn't work as well... I'm horny again after 2 hours... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Paroxetine was the SSRI referenced in my post. Withdrawal, combined with onset of anxiety, induced psychosis. I managed brain meds for my mom (Aricept, Zyprexa, Seroquel, Excelon, and a host of others over the years I cared for her) and I can tell you from experience that it's nothing to be messed with casually. Proceed at your own risk If you're horny two hours after a good masturbatory orgasm, then you'll likely have sexual incompatibility with a large portion of the female population, if you equate horny with needing sex. I've met very few women who function that way long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 mmm... obviously you are talking from your point of you and it's fine by me... I think I was joking about the 2 hours.... maybe 10! Sexual incompatibilty? No, I'm a very reasonable man! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Or you need more wives Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Or you need more wives I wish... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 No. You don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 No. You don't. yes, more complications... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Insanity shortly to follow Watch the "Mudd's Women" episode of the original Star Trek series for a humorous iteration of the classic. Wish I had that button. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 we had an interesting chat this morning... I was still in bed and she came back from her night shift... she still hasn't found a therapist... and then I asked her whether she had changed her idea of our relationship and she replied "I have no idea about it". I also said it would have been nice to have sex again at some point and she seemed quite positive... but then I hugged her and she made a repulsed face... she said: "I can't face the pressure thing"... I replied: we were just talking about it! I think she misses me, but she hates not being in control of the sex thing... it was driving her mad. If she feels that something is controlling her, she just gives it up. She's given up smoking, drinking, chocolate and she eats always the same thing. I suppose it was a bit more difficult with sex, because it involved me! What would you call this kind of behavior? Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Personally, I have no idea who prescribed ADs to you for "killing your libido", but that is whack. Why not eat a lot of soy products, which contain phytoestrogens? BTW, nobody prescribed me ADs for the libido... I was depressed and suicidal (never told this to anybody), but the anti-depressants do wonders for my libido... Link to post Share on other sites
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