Wife’s in counselling... shall I wait?

[jasminetea]

Moving out may just give her the space she needs to realise how much she loves you and what she needs to do to make it work. She has absolutely no reason to change at the moment and no motivation to do so, either.

 

Are you worried that if you move out, it won't motivate her and you'll lose the relationship completely?

[giotto]

Moving out may just give her the space she needs to realise how much she loves you and what she needs to do to make it work. She has absolutely no reason to change at the moment and no motivation to do so, either.

 

Are you worried that if you move out, it won't motivate her and you'll lose the relationship completely?

 

possibly... but you are right thet she has no motivation again... in theory, we are not even separated anymore, becuse we "patched it up". It's funny, because after my "letter or resignation", she said she loved me... but we are back to square one. She hasn't been to counselling yet... I'm fed up with it. I'm not prepared to wait forever. What is really keeping me here is the children.

[jasminetea]

I'm not prepared to wait forever.

So how long are you prepared to wait for?

 

What is really keeping me here is the children.

Does this answer my first question? You'll stay until they're adults?

[Geishawhelk]

 

....what she's doing is actually compromising her own wishes in order to try to pacify you and keep you around.

Understand - she won't be having sex with you because she loves and desires you. She will be having sex with you as a bargaining tool.

 

When she realises that it works, she'll go off sex again. After all, she willl have accomplished what she set out to do.

Keep you close.

 

I'm sure she does love you.

But she will have to consider more concrete, long-lasting and deeper ways to prove that, other than to just say - "I'll have sex with you if you don't leave."

 

 

My opinion is that he should still move out, but then recommence re-building the relationship from an independent standpoint.

IE, once he's out of there, it will be easier to gauge exactly how determined and committed she is to meeting him towards rebuilding the marriage.

Actions always speak louder than words.

He should follow through his words with actions, and then, she should back up her words equally.

 

possibly... but you are right thet she has no motivation again... in theory, we are not even separated anymore, becuse we "patched it up". It's funny, because after my "letter or resignation", she said she loved me... but we are back to square one. She hasn't been to counselling yet... I'm fed up with it. I'm not prepared to wait forever. What is really keeping me here is the children.

 

OK.

So what part of the above have you just not got yet?

 

If you are sensible and mature, and you handle the children sensitively - they'll be fine.

 

MOVE OUT!!

 

You need to grow a spine, honey.....Sorry, but there you have it.

[giotto]

I know.. she is walking all over me... the thing is, after I refused to accept the "agreement", I said I wasn't moving out... I've regretted that since. So, as far as she is concerned, I'm prepared to wait... At the moment, I don't think I can bear more upheavel. I'm emotionally drained. I will give it a couple of months and then I'm out... I need to prepare myself mentally...

[Geishawhelk]

What is a couple of months going to change, that hasn't been changed so far?

 

This is getting you absolutely nowhere....

Tell me, (or us) exactly, what it is that is stalling you and making you put up with more of the same?

 

This is ludicrous.

[jasminetea]

Upheaval = excuse

Unprepared = excuse

 

 

Everyone knows that it's a very difficult thing to do, especially when children are involved, but if only you could see how much happier everyone will be if you and your wife go your own ways.

[giotto]

What is a couple of months going to change, that hasn't been changed so far?

 

This is getting you absolutely nowhere....

Tell me, (or us) exactly, what it is that is stalling you and making you put up with more of the same?

 

This is ludicrous.

 

three things: I still love my wife (after 23 years I still find her very attractive and we almost "grew up" together)) and the children... and the thought of a failed marriage.

[Geishawhelk]

ONE: Nothing stops your love for your wife, wherever you are.

TWO: Your children are and will be your children, until the day you die. I divorced my ex- and look at that - my kids and I are still my kids and I...

Thirdly - it's not a failed marriage. It's a kmarriage that began, had a middle and now has an end.

I think you'll find that happens with everything on this planet.

[giotto]

looks like I'll have to write another letter...

[Geishawhelk]

Nope.

Looks like you look her in the face, as you walk out the door holding your bag, saying:- "call me when you decide to put something into this.

Or I'll call you when I get the papers."

[carhill]

OP, fear is a potent motivator. Stare it in the face. The only obstacle is ourselves.

[giotto]

sure, but my problem is that I don't want her to have sex with me just to keep me here... I know she would do it just to keep the family together. I don't want a "pity shag"...

[jasminetea]

sure, but my problem is that I don't want her to have sex with me just to keep me here... I know she would do it just to keep the family together. I don't want a "pity shag"...

 

Who are you answering?

 

You haven't given one good reason to stay, so go.

[stilllearning2]

I have a friend going through the same thing .....Found this website on this issue. It has helped my friend understand although he is still devastated.

 

 

It's the most hidden issue in America today....Marriages desroyed by antidepressants, pain pills et. They Are Not telling us these medications change the brains chemistry and the person's core identity. They blunt all their feeling of love and attachment!!

[giotto]

Who are you answering?

 

You haven't given one good reason to stay, so go.

 

myself?

[jasminetea]

myself?

 

No kidding

 

Found a place to move to yet?

 

I did say there would be umming and awwing; but I also said own up, at least to yourself, when you're making excuses.

[stilllearning2]

Reposting link: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=400510998

[giotto]

I have a friend with a big house who kindly offered... but I will still have to work from home for the time being, because I can't move my office that fast (Internet connection, etc.). Also, I will have to be here when my wife works late shifts...

[giotto]

Reposting link: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=400510998

 

thanks for the link... I knew that, beacuse I've done some research myself. Funnily enough, our problems started when the wife started taking them... no desire, no emotions... a couple of time she went off them and she literally assaulted me for sex...

 

I'm taking them as well, because the whole thing has made me depressed (even suicidal at times)... and they do wonders for my libido...

[jasminetea]

Well, that's a start, which has to be a good thing. Make sure you move everything you possibly can, don't leave any excuses for you to 'just nip back'

 

It won't take long to move your office, even if your friend doesn't have broadband, it won't take long to set up; a week, maybe 10 days. As for going back home when your wife is on lates, that's fine, you're not on tap for her, just your children.

 

Excellent news!

[giotto]

actually, we lived in that house for 9 months when ours was being fixed due to flooding... so, I know it quite well... I'll have to talk to my friend to make sure he was serious...

[taylor]

Joining the party late, but here goes...

 

From your first post you say you have had marital problems for 10 years, WAITING FOR A SOLUTION.

 

While you WAIT for the solution, you withdraw emotionally from your wife and family.

 

Then you say you've done everything you could to make the marriage work.

 

REALLY?

 

Sounds to me like you just put up with it for 10 years. Putting up with it is not the same as doing everything you could to make it work.

 

You and your wife BOTH let this marriage slip out of your hands by doing nothing for 10 years except pop pills and isolate yourselves from one another.

 

Now that the marriage has become UNBEARABLE, you want a quick solution...not sure you can wait for it to turn around.

 

Your wife goes to counseling on and off for 6 months. You do, too, but then bow out and choose to reach out to another woman on line for support. You are ready to pack your bags and move out because 6 months of therapy hasn't fixed the problems yet.

 

You and your wife LET this marriage get unbearable by neglecting it for 10 years. Neither one of you addressed the problems.

 

At least your wife is in therapy looking for answers. And while she is doing that, you're getting ready to pack your bags.

 

Why don't you get yourself into therapy, too, if you love your wife, want to keep your family together, don't want a failed marriage, and don't want to give up a 23 year history?

 

Do you honestly think 6 months of half-azz therapy is going to turn a marriage around that's been dysfunctional for 10 YEARS??

 

If you truly want your wife and your marriage you need to commit to doing the hard work necessary to turn your marriage around. And you need to commit to putting in the time necessary to do that.

 

There is no easy fix here. You and your wife let a mole hill turn into a mountain. You aren't going to fix it with a couple shovels. You're going to need a dozen bulldozers!!!

 

Of course, you have a choice. If you don't want the marriage and don't want to put the work into it, you can divorce. You have the right. And in the end, that may be the best solution for you.

 

But don't choose that solution just because 6 months of therapy didn't turn your marriage around. Don't choose that solution, either, if you still love your wife and think you have it in you to work on it.

 

Marital recovery is hard work. I know. I am in it right now. You take two steps forward and one step back. It isn't a smooth process. And it doesn't take off like a rocket. It sputters and konks out and then starts again...hums along for awhile and then stalls..and then as time goes by, it hums along a little more often than it stalls.

 

If you can't handle that...or if it's not worth it, then divorce. But this is the reality of marital recovery.

 

One more thought. Your wife has a disease called depression. She will always have this disease. She is on medication for treatment of the disease. The medication has side effects.

 

Depression is not an easy disease to live with. It affects everyone in the family, especially spouse and children.

 

You need to ask yourself if you can continue to live with a person who has this disease.

 

You say in one of your posts that your wife proposed an asexual relationship. Then you say in another post that when she went off her meds that she nearly attacked you sexually..she wanted you that much.

 

This tells me your wife's lack of sexual desire is medically related to some degree. Has this issue been explored?...a change in meds?..a change in doctor's? Does your wife exercise? Does she have a healthy social life? Has she attacked her disease aggressively?

 

And why does she want you to stop drinking if it is just casual? What is she so opposed to...the alcohol itself or the fact that you meet up with others in a social setting without her.

 

IMO, your wife's depression and her medication side effects started the havoc with your sexual life. Problems in your sex life got worse by you pulling away and isolating yourself from her emotionally as well as by you pressuring her for sex.

 

You both have contributed to the demise of this marriage.

 

I commend you for supporting your wife as long as you have thru her depression. I also commend you for not stepping out of your marriage when the sex dwindled. This tells me you still love your wife.

 

And I do believe your wife still loves you. She recognizes she has a problem and she is going to therapy for it.

 

But now that you have both started addressing the real issues, you are ready to throw the towel in?

 

It's your choice. No one will blame you for taking either route. But make the choice with a clear head.

[giotto]

wow, this will need a detailed answer... ASAP...

[giotto]

Joining the party late, but here goes...

 

From your first post you say you have had marital problems for 10 years, WAITING FOR A SOLUTION.

 

While you WAIT for the solution, you withdraw emotionally from your wife and family.

 

Then you say you've done everything you could to make the marriage work.

 

REALLY?

 

Sounds to me like you just put up with it for 10 years. Putting up with it is not the same as doing everything you could to make it work.

 

You and your wife BOTH let this marriage slip out of your hands by doing nothing for 10 years except pop pills and isolate yourselves from one another.

 

We both withdrew... but I tried to do something about it... she never tried. Just buried her head in the sand. I wasn’t just waiting, I was actively working on it.

 

 

Now that the marriage has become UNBEARABLE, you want a quick solution...not sure you can wait for it to turn around.

 

Your wife goes to counseling on and off for 6 months. You do, too, but then bow out and choose to reach out to another woman on line for support. You are ready to pack your bags and move out because 6 months of therapy hasn't fixed the problems yet.

When I titled this post, I made a mistake. She wasn’t in counselling yet, but she gave me the impression that she would go ASAP. She hasn’t been in counselling at all. We went together 7 times and it made things worse. She said she would go on her own... this was a month ago. Nothing’s happened. No surprise there.

 

You and your wife LET this marriage get unbearable by neglecting it for 10 years. Neither one of you addressed the problems.

 

At least your wife is in therapy looking for answers. And while she is doing that, you're getting ready to pack your bags.

She is not looking for an answer... she is doing nothing. I’m packing my bags after 10 years of trying to turn this marriage around. But she is too lazy. She doesn’t want to solve her upbringing issues or our issues....

 

Why don't you get yourself into therapy, too, if you love your wife, want to keep your family together, don't want a failed marriage, and don't want to give up a 23 year history?

I’ve been to therapy on my own... you see, I take action...

 

Do you honestly think 6 months of half-azz therapy is going to turn a marriage around that's been dysfunctional for 10 YEARS??

 

If you truly want your wife and your marriage you need to commit to doing the hard work necessary to turn your marriage around. And you need to commit to putting in the time necessary to do that.

 

 

We both need to work hard... I’m afraid the hard work is all one-sided here.

 

There is no easy fix here. You and your wife let a mole hill turn into a mountain. You aren't going to fix it with a couple shovels. You're going to need a dozen bulldozers!!!

 

Of course, you have a choice. If you don't want the marriage and don't want to put the work into it, you can divorce. You have the right. And in the end, that may be the best solution for you.

 

But don't choose that solution just because 6 months of therapy didn't turn your marriage around. Don't choose that solution, either, if you still love your wife and think you have it in you to work on it.

 

Marital recovery is hard work. I know. I am in it right now. You take two steps forward and one step back. It isn't a smooth process. And it doesn't take off like a rocket. It sputters and konks out and then starts again...hums along for awhile and then stalls..and then as time goes by, it hums along a little more often than it stalls.

I still love my wife, but I don’t respect her anymore. As I see it, she’s ruined my life. Harsh words, I know, but it’s the reality. If she didn’t want to be with me anymore, she should have been honest. She should have told me, not let me dangling here for 10 years, for nothing. I’m very angry about this. Now she says she loves me... how can I believe her? She is just saying that to keep me here, as a butler...

 

If you can't handle that...or if it's not worth it, then divorce. But this is the reality of marital recovery.

 

One more thought. Your wife has a disease called depression. She will always have this disease. She is on medication for treatment of the disease. The medication has side effects.

 

Depression is not an easy disease to live with. It affects everyone in the family, especially spouse and children.

 

You need to ask yourself if you can continue to live with a person who has this disease.

 

You say in one of your posts that your wife proposed an asexual relationship. Then you say in another post that when she went off her meds that she nearly attacked you sexually..she wanted you that much.

 

This tells me your wife's lack of sexual desire is medically related to some degree. Has this issue been explored?...a change in meds?..a change in doctor's? Does your wife exercise? Does she have a healthy social life? Has she attacked her disease aggressively?

My wife is not depressed. She is taking ADs for anxiety and recurrent thoughts. Something completely different. Of course they’ve killed our sexual relationship. I suggested many things, even taking a so called “week-end holiday” from them. It does work and there are many studies on this, regardless of what has been said on this board. She refused. She refuses to go off them to see if she would be ok again without them. I cannot force her to go to the doctor. I suggested HRT, but she laughed at me...

 

And why does she want you to stop drinking if it is just casual? What is she so opposed to...the alcohol itself or the fact that you meet up with others in a social setting without her.

She doesn’t drink and she doesn’t like me drinking... I suppose it’s the alcohol...

 

IMO, your wife's depression and her medication side effects started the havoc with your sexual life. Problems in your sex life got worse by you pulling away and isolating yourself from her emotionally as well as by you pressuring her for sex.

 

You both have contributed to the demise of this marriage.

Of course we are both at fault. I’ve isolated myself, but only in the last couple of years, after trying very hard. It just got too much.

 

I commend you for supporting your wife as long as you have thru her depression. I also commend you for not stepping out of your marriage when the sex dwindled. This tells me you still love your wife.

 

And I do believe your wife still loves you. She recognizes she has a problem and she is going to therapy for it.

 

But now that you have both started addressing the real issues, you are ready to throw the towel in?

 

It's your choice. No one will blame you for taking either route. But make the choice with a clear head.

I’ve supported my wife for many years. She is not depressed, she has a mental problem. She is not in therapy. She goes along pretending it’s not happening. I am the depressed one, now. Feeling suicidal is no fun, believe me. Of course I have a choice, it’s a choice I wouldn’t want to make, but it’s the only choice which might give me my happiness back...