jasminetea Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Of course they’ve killed our sexual relationship. I suggested many things, even taking a so called “week-end holiday” from them. It does work and there are many studies on this, regardless of what has been said on this board. She refused. She refuses to go off them to see if she would be ok again without them. Ummmm... but before you said: thanks for the link... I knew that, beacuse I've done some research myself. Funnily enough, our problems started when the wife started taking them... no desire, no emotions... a couple of time she went off them and she literally assaulted me for sex... But anyway, you must realise your problems started before your wife started taking medication, surely that's self-evident? Have you confirmed when you can move? Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Ummmm... but before you said: But anyway, you must realise your problems started before your wife started taking medication, surely that's self-evident? Have you confirmed when you can move? she went off them, she didn't like it and went back onto them... the problems started after the birth of our second child (nearly 14 years ago) and were precipitated by the ADs a couple of years later... she wasn't into sex at all after the birth of our second child... I had to wait six months before she would agree to sex again. Is this normal? I'm perfectly aware of the "mommy mode" and hormons and the lot, but she even refused to give me a hand job. I was only asking for a compromise... BTW, I haven't managed to speak to my friend yet... he is away on business... hopefully, I'll see him tonight... Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Right, I think your current situation is a combination of factors, which is usually the case, isn't it? Its not just as a result of your wife becoming a mother, but that's probably a factor and yes, it being a factor is probably usual. Both parties have to want to work at improving a relationship for the relationship to actually improve and your wife seems to not want to do that, for whatever reason. Now I don't know that you've done all that you needed to do, but until you're both willing to work at it, it doesn't matter. I just think your moving out would help both of you to either reconnect and be stronger and better than ever, or split. But either way I think it would put an end to this unhealthy way of life once and for all. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Hi Giotto, Thanks for your reply. It's very easy to see the frustration in your posts. But the problems in your marriage are not simple ones to overcome. They are complicated and long-standing. No one would blame you for packing your bags and removing yourself from this hell hole of a marriage you are in. The thing is I am not convinced chucking your marriage will bring you happiness. You are on AD's and have suicidal thoughts from time to time. This goes way beyond the unhappy husband frustrated by not enough sex. And mixing AD's with alcohol is a no-no. Just makes things worse. And it really isn't clear to me from your posts...are you under the care of a medical doctor for your AD's? And why are you not in continuous, aggressive therapy for depression and suicidal thoughts. Seek true professional medical care for these issues, Giotto. Until you do this, you will not be able to tackle any problems in your marriage. Now, about your wife...she is on AD's for anxiety and recurring thoughts. Does she have a proactive doctor...or one that just keeps writing her prescriptions and telling her to have a nice day? And why isn't she in therapy in conjuction with these AD's for anxiety and recurring thoughts. She needs to be seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis. You say your wife does not have depression, only anxiety. I am not a doctor, but do you know that depression and anxiety often co-exist? And why is your wife on AD's if her diagnosis is strictly anxiety. There are medications out there strictly for anxiety. Why isn't she on one of those, rather than an AD? Like some other posters here have suggested, medication side effects can play havoc with a person's life...mentally and physically. After a number of life-altering events effected my life last year, I was put on an anti-anxiety and an AD by my physician. The anti-anxiety worked wonders. I took it for 2 months and then weaned off of it when I felt I could cope without them. The AD was another story. Zoloft took me off the emotional rollercoaster ride of severe highs and lows. BUT it had a numbing effect. I couldn't feel real joy, real happiness. It curbed sexual desire. I didn't feel bad, but I didn't feel good either. It leveled emotion. Kind of a zombie-effect. I told this to my physician. He switched the medication to Cymbalta. I immediately noticed a change. The highs were much higher, but not a drop in the lows. The gamut of my emotions felt "more normal." I hope you and your wife make a concerted effort to deal with your individual mental situations before you make a decision regarding your marriage. Your problems may be more internal, than external. You also mentioned that you suggested HRT to your wife and she laughed. Why laugh? How old is she? You also seem to be hung up by your wife's decisions to cut cigarettes, alcohol and chocolate out of her life. Maybe these things are addicting to her and she wants to lead a healthier lifestyle. Can't blame her for that. Running off to live in some buddy's house and chatting on line with some woman you've never met ...these are not going to solve your unhappiness problems. Why? Because you are just running away from your problems, not facing them. Your root problem isn't sex. It really isn't. If you and your wife can solve your mental problems the sex will work itself out. Both of you need to be in therapy, individually and together, IMO. Can't stress that enough. Taking that first step to go to therapy is difficult for someone who is depressed or anxious because of a sense of "hopelessness" that comes with depression. You and your wife have to force yourself to go. You are both sick and need medical care. Do it together and support each other in going. You say therapy just made things worse. You only went 6 or 7 times! That's nothing. A crucial part of therapy is being forced to look at that which we don't want to see...the ugly parts of us...the ugly situations...the root causes of our discontent. OF COURSE IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ALL RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE. Therapy makes us take a painful look at ourselves and who we are. But there IS a purpose to it. It does solve problems IF you STICK WITH IT. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I missed this bit: chatting on line with some woman you've never met I hope you're not chatting with anyone in an inappropriate way, giotto? Anyway, you're getting very conflicting advice, so I'll bow out and wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 I missed this bit: I hope you're not chatting with anyone in an inappropriate way, giotto? Anyway, you're getting very conflicting advice, so I'll bow out and wish you well. I'm not chatting in an inappropriate way... actually, we stopped chatting now. Didn't feel right and it wasn't... yes, there are many confilcting suggestions here. I can only say that since starting this thread 13 days ago (funnily enough, it was Valentine's Day), I've come to the conclusion that I need time on my own to see things objectively... BTW, I'm not suicidal anymore... I managed to "survive" despite going through the same routine, day after day. It's been a dark period of my life, but it's gone... HRT... she is 45... not in menopause,... maybe it was a silly thing to suggest... Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I've come to the conclusion that I need time on my own to see things objectively... Taking a break my not only help you to see things objectively, but to also see things clearly. Your wife will probably also welcome the break. It's your children who will have a difficult time understanding this, even though I am sure they KNOW SOMETHING is going on. I hope you and your wife can sit down together an explain to them the need for this "break" in a way that does not point fingers and in a way that will reassure them that you both still love them. Sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees. It's pretty obvious, at least to this poster, that you are having trouble seeing things clearly..what the reality is..what the real root problems are. Intense emotions can cloud the picture. You know problems in a marriage start WAY BEFORE a woman stops having sex with her husband. He may not notice the problems UNTIL the sex stops because the full force of the problems may not hit him until then. Women don't just stop sex for no reason at all. You both need to find out what that reason is IF you want to salvage what's left of your marriage. If you choose, instead, to part ways with your wife after you have had time to think clearly, no one would blame you, giotto. You sound very beat up from this long-standing dysfunctional marriage. No one would blame you for not wanting to put any more effort into it. But please make sure it's what you really want and why. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 HRT... she is 45... not in menopause,... maybe it was a silly thing to suggest... See, giotto, this is what I'm talking about when I say you are not thinking clearly. That's all you are focused on is the "NO SEX." Believe me, the problems in your marriage run deeper than this. The "NO SEX" is a symptom something is wrong, it's not the cause. I repeat, a woman doesn't stop sex for NO REASON. And the problems in the marriage begin WAY BEFORE the sex stops. To suggest HRT for a woman who isn't even in menopause shows that you have not a clue about how to solve the problems in your marriage. Your suggestion goes beyond "silly." Do you realize how controversial HRT is, even for women who are in menopause? HRT comes with it's own set of negative side effects that make even the most menopausal women think twice about taking it. You wanted a quick fix to sex....WRONG APPROACH. . Link to post Share on other sites
stilllearning2 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 thanks for the link... I knew that, beacuse I've done some research myself. Funnily enough, our problems started when the wife started taking them... no desire, no emotions... a couple of time she went off them and she literally assaulted me for sex... I'm taking them as well, because the whole thing has made me depressed (even suicidal at times)... and they do wonders for my libido... Be careful as they are not good long term and tough to get off! Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 little update... I was just about to pack my bags when the wife agreed to sex once a week wothout "alcohol ban" (whatever that was). I was reluctant, but she said that she wanted to have sex, otherwise she wouldn't agree... I have not packed my bags. I'll just wait and see how it goes... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Boy, she's got you right where she wants you, hasn't she? I told you. She should be agreeing to sex because she wants to make love with you - not as a bargaining tool. Now you'll think the only reason she's having sex is to manipulate the situation. Not because she loves you and wants to demonstrate it. Which would be about right. Good grief. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 Boy, she's got you right where she wants you, hasn't she? I told you. She should be agreeing to sex because she wants to make love with you - not as a bargaining tool. Now you'll think the only reason she's having sex is to manipulate the situation. Not because she loves you and wants to demonstrate it. Which would be about right. Good grief. I thought in marriage you have to compromise. I know she is doing it to keep the family together, but I don't want to go and hurt my children if I don't really have to. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. If it doesn't work out, amen... and at least she is now manipulating me by giving me sex, not by withdrawing it... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 I doubt very much 'keeping the family together' has either crossed her mind, or is the real reason. The fact is, she doesn't want you to leave because you're the comfort provider. She's used to having you there and be able to bounce around you. so she goes for the one thing she knows will do it for you. The sex. You keep going on about the children, but frankly, this is just an excuse. Thousands of people get divorced every year and their kids are still standing. You know why? because most of their friends have parents who are divorced also. My daughter went to school the first day she learnt of our separation, feeling very down. She came home at lunchtime, and seemed perkier. I asked her how her morning had gone. She told me everything was cool, because she'd told her best friend we were divorcing, and her friend turned round and said - "Hey that's cool! Join the club! That's twice the presents you'll get! Your parents will be bending over backwards to make you happy - no worries!" Kids can be mercenary when it suits their needs. It's all part of the survival reflex. The bottom line now, is that she knows exactly which of your buttons to press. Do let us know when you first have sex with your wife again, and how well it went. I think we'll have a bit of a wait, and a disappointing up-date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 I think we'll have a bit of a wait, and a disappointing up-date. it's planned for tonight... we'll see... I agree she is doing it for the "family", but a renewed intimacy might improve things a lot... I think it's worth a try... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Why wait until tonight? Have some non-genital sex right now! I just don't get all this mechanical stuff around sex. Just flow the non-sexual physical affection right into the bedroom...... IMO, if she's not responsive to nor appreciative of your physical affection (not sex), I wouldn't waste my time. Kids or no kids. Life's too short. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 it's planned for tonight... we'll see... I agree she is doing it for the "family", but a renewed intimacy might improve things a lot... I think it's worth a try... So if your wife is just having sex with you "for the family", and not because she's "into you," how much intimacy do you think the sex act will generate? What will this sex mean to you? Or is getting the "release" enough for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 So if your wife is just having sex with you "for the family", and not because she's "into you," how much intimacy do you think the sex act will generate? What will this sex mean to you? Or is getting the "release" enough for you? she might be having sex for the family at the beginning... I'm hoping that the more sex we have the more she will enjoy the physical contact and this might help her to overcome her issues... we can only try... I'm probably kidding myself, but I want to have a go at it for the last time... Just getting the "release" is not enough for me, but it could be a start and we'll take it from there. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite sceptical, but nothing ventured... BTW, she enjoys sex very much when we have it... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Of course she does. She's in control Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 3, 2009 Author Share Posted March 3, 2009 Of course she does. She's in control ah ah ah Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 she might be having sex for the family at the beginning... I'm hoping that the more sex we have the more she will enjoy the physical contact and this might help her to overcome her issues... we can only try... I'm probably kidding myself, but I want to have a go at it for the last time... Just getting the "release" is not enough for me, but it could be a start and we'll take it from there. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite sceptical, but nothing ventured... BTW, she enjoys sex very much when we have it... Giotto, I am glad your wife has agreed to have sex with you. It really doesn't matter "why" at the moment. The fact that she is willing to have physical contact with you is a good thing. We'll see if it truly happens, won't we. I think the more women have sex the more they want it. Kinda like exercise. Once you start doing it on a regular basis, the more you want to do it. At least I think that's how it seems to work for women. So, hopefully, once she starts getting back into having regular sex with you, she will continue to want it. Take advantage of this "opportunity" to knock her socks off....romantically speaking. Don't have the same old, same old sex tonight. Surprise her with something new. Do it someplace new. Make it a night to remember. With that said, I can't say it loud enough...SEX will not solve the problems in your marriage. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because your wife has sex with you...problems solved. This is wrong thinking. Dangerous thinking. Naive thinking. Men use sex as a barometer to gauge the health of the marriage. The thing is the marriage is pretty "sick" by the time the sex stops. Just because the sex starts again doesn't mean all the problems that made the marriage sick just disappear. The sex will not "help her overcome her issues." Sex was YOUR issue. Not hers. Take time to explore her issues as you get your needs met in the bedroom. If you can restore the physical intimacy with your wife, that will be a big step in getting your marriage back on track. But you and your wife also need to roll up your sleeves and start the hard work of addressing the real problems that made your marriage "sick" and prompted your wife to stop engaging in sex with you. If you do not address the underlying emotional issues, you will find yourself back in a sexless marriage faster than you can say, "Honey, wanna get it on?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 well, enjoyable sex last night... Let's see where it takes us... Giotto, The sex will not "help her overcome her issues." Sex was YOUR issue. Not hers. Take time to explore her issues as you get your needs met in the bedroom. I must disagree on this one. Sex is part of the marriage and if she is not sticking to this part of the marriage, it's an issue and it's her issue as well... sex is not just my issue. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 well, enjoyable sex last night... Let's see where it takes us... I must disagree on this one. Sex is part of the marriage and if she is not sticking to this part of the marriage, it's an issue and it's her issue as well... sex is not just my issue. She's not the one on here complaining about it. You are. Think your marriage is back on track now since she had sex with you last night? No worries! Be happy! (See ya the next time she withholds the sex..) Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 She's not the one on here complaining about it. You are. Think your marriage is back on track now since she had sex with you last night? No worries! Be happy! (See ya the next time she withholds the sex..) the marriage is not back on track just because we had sex once. As I said before , it's a start. So, if your partner withheld sex from you, it would be YOUR issue, because you want sex. Right? If I get married, I would expect to have sex with my partner. Is this a strange thing to expect? So, if I want sex and my partner doesn't want sex - in a marriage - it's ONLY my problem? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Eventually they'll get to the part that's not about the sex Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Did she enjoy it? Did she say she's looking forward to the next time? Did she throw herself into it, or did you feel an emotional resistance there....? did she initiate? Did she seem to have been glad it took place? these are all pertinent questions, to the issue here.... Link to post Share on other sites
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