Author giotto Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Did she enjoy it? Did she say she's looking forward to the next time? Did she throw herself into it, or did you feel an emotional resistance there....? did she initiate? Did she seem to have been glad it took place? these are all pertinent questions, to the issue here.... she enjoyed very much... but she always enjoys it... once she gets going she turns into a beast... She didn't say she is looking forward to the next time, but I got the feeling that she could get into it quite quickly... No emotional resistance... she needs a bit of warming up - cuddles, palying with her hair, a little massage... but she ddin't initiate... she never does. She leaves the initiative to me. Yes... she said she loved me, afterwards... I'm not saying that everything is perfect... but it's a step forward. We'll see how it progresses. Given the circumstances, I think it went pretty well... but then I got a big one... only joking... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 How are things outside the bedroom? For me, this is where the fundamental disconnect occurred. It's what lent an air of falsehood to what went on inside the bedroom, over years. The disconnect was clarified in MC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 How are things outside the bedroom? For me, this is where the fundamental disconnect occurred. It's what lent an air of falsehood to what went on inside the bedroom, over years. The disconnect was clarified in MC. we get on quite well outside the bedroom... well, we didn't recently... I disconnected because of the lack sex. But we always pulled ranks for the family. In the past it was ok... we were still having sex (although twice a month) and it was just about ok for me. But then she started being even more withdrawn and the sex went underhill. She says she has her own issues and me pressurising her for sex didn't help. I'm glad she is accepting she has to do something about it. Hopefully, the counselling will support her in her decision. I'm confident that the more we do it, the more natural it will become. It felt quite good last night... no resistance, she wasn't falling asleep and she was quite chatty and friendly before sex, which is quite unusual for her... it looked like she wasn't dreading it... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 When's the next counseling session? Adding.....is she still in IC or are you joining her now? I forget.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 When's the next counseling session? Adding.....is she still in IC or are you joining her now? I forget.... she is still not in counselling... sha's had problems finding a therapist, because she works shifts. Her sister is a therapist, so she has suggested someone in our area. I suppose she is arranging it. I am not going to join her. I think it will be more beneficial for her to talk about her personal issues without me being there... we were in counselling together, but she found it very difficult to talk about her issues in front of me... she is a very private person... Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 21, 2009 Author Share Posted March 21, 2009 quick update... after 3 weeks of things going quite well, this week my wife came up with the usual excuses for not having sex (headache, too tired after work...). Mybe she was being honest, but I decided that I could not bear this sex nightmare anymore and I told her to forget it and that we can consider each other as "separated". I said I wasn't moving out, just being on my own in the house. I have not thought about what I want to do, nor I want to think about it at the moment... I just want peace and quiet... I'm coming to the conclusion that I can't stand this woman anymore... Bring on the "I told you so" comments... Link to post Share on other sites
geefine Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 Dear , Is your marriage in trouble? Were you hoping that you might find something on this site that would help you realize what is happening, solve the problem and get things 'back to normal' again? Or do you want your relationship to be even better than before, better than you ever thought possible? "Do you feel like your only choice is between accepting things as they are now, no matter how bad they get, or leaving your partner? "If your wish is to save your marriage, then you have come to the right place. I created Save My Marriage Today with YOU in mind, so that you will get immensely satisfying results with your relationship FAST... "...Even if you are experiencing severe communication issues and are the only one who wants to work on it! "I designed Save My Marriage Today to be the most practical, easy-to-follow and comprehensive system available for people like you, in a marriage crisis, who wish to rescue their marriage and get back on track to a healthy, long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. "Thousands of people worldwide, just like you, have used my unique methods to put themselves on the marriage rescue fast-track, while regaining their inner happiness in the process. Will you be next?" For more information,visit us at http://tinyurl.com/dcsyjd Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 quick update... after 3 weeks of things going quite well, this week my wife came up with the usual excuses for not having sex (headache, too tired after work...). Mybe she was being honest, but I decided that I could not bear this sex nightmare anymore and I told her to forget it and that we can consider each other as "separated". I said I wasn't moving out, just being on my own in the house. I have not thought about what I want to do, nor I want to think about it at the moment... I just want peace and quiet... I'm coming to the conclusion that I can't stand this woman anymore... Bring on the "I told you so" comments... Do you know what the root of her problem is? Is she not attracted to you? Is she having an affair? Is she gay? Does she have resentment for you? Is it a physical issue? Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 quick update... after 3 weeks of things going quite well, this week my wife came up with the usual excuses for not having sex (headache, too tired after work...). Mybe she was being honest, but I decided that I could not bear this sex nightmare anymore and I told her to forget it and that we can consider each other as "separated". I said I wasn't moving out, just being on my own in the house. I have not thought about what I want to do, nor I want to think about it at the moment... I just want peace and quiet... I'm coming to the conclusion that I can't stand this woman anymore... Bring on the "I told you so" comments... No "told you so" comments here. But, giotto, the only way you and your wife are going to get to the root of your problems is to get into marriage counseling...BOTH of you. SEX is not the CAUSE of your marital problems. It's the SYMPTOM..and it's the symptom that you are feeling the most. Think of a person having the flu. They will complain: I have the worst headache and achey joints and stomach cramps and that's all I do all day is puke. (This is you complaining about no sex) But the real root of the problem..with flu...is a VIRUS wreaking havoc on a person's body. You and your wife need to figure out what is wreaking havoc on your marriage..what "virus" has infected it that is resulting in the symptoms (no sex) that you are enduring. Telling your wife that if she just starts having sex with you the marriage will be fixed is like telling a person with the flu to just stop puking and the flu will go away. You have got to look beyond the sex if you want to find the root of the problem. MC can help with that. You and your wife obviously have been unsuccessful in finding it on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 we've been to counselling, but it didn't work out... I've been giving a lot of thought to this in the last few days and I've come to the conclusion that it is, indeed, me... I am the problem. I'm not happy where I am now. I hate the family routine, the same grey monotony, the boredom... I just can't do this anymore and I get grumpy and isolate myself. I feel like I'm going mad. I'm not surprised my wife doesn't want to have sex with me... I'll have to take stock and decide what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 we've been to counselling, but it didn't work out... I've been giving a lot of thought to this in the last few days and I've come to the conclusion that it is, indeed, me... I am the problem. I'm not happy where I am now. I hate the family routine, the same grey monotony, the boredom... I just can't do this anymore and I get grumpy and isolate myself. I feel like I'm going mad. I'm not surprised my wife doesn't want to have sex with me... I'll have to take stock and decide what to do... I think you should let go, I mean you've been at it for a long time and your libido's are seriously outmatched for each other, yours is high and her's in low. I think that she needs to want to save the marriage but subconsciously I think she wants the marriage to be overs anyways because she doesnt want to do the hard work of fixing it? am I right? It's okay to get frustrated, you want more and that's fine. your getting older and not slowing down, maybe it's time you told your wife you want more than what she's offering and you need to leave, nobody wants to be stuck in a sexless marriage, especially when one spouse knows and yet does nothing to fix it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 we've been to counselling, but it didn't work out... I've been giving a lot of thought to this in the last few days and I've come to the conclusion that it is, indeed, me... I am the problem. I'm not happy where I am now. I hate the family routine, the same grey monotony, the boredom... I just can't do this anymore and I get grumpy and isolate myself. I feel like I'm going mad. I'm not surprised my wife doesn't want to have sex with me... I'll have to take stock and decide what to do... Giotto, It's not JUST you. It's your wife, TOO. Feel free to share the blame for this deteriorating marriage with your wife. It isn't your fault and it isn't her fault. It's both of your faults. Both of you have let the ball fall. You are unhappy and grumpy so you isolate yourself. You have eluded to this several times in your posts..how you pull away from your family..physically and emotionally. Your wife is doing the same thing! You are both unhappy. You are both in the same boat. It has holes in it and it's taking on water. What are the two of you going to do about it..together? Are you going to isolate yourself at one end of the boat and she at the other? Or are you going to come together, admit you have a shared problem, roll up your sleeves, and fix the problem? If you don't, your boat will sink. You and your wife can either choose together to keep your boat afloat or sit back and let it sink. I see a couple miles apart from each other...physically and emotionally disconnected. You are both so unhappy you can't even think about the other one's unhappiness. Each of you is in too much pain. What happened in counseling? How long were you in counseling? Why didn't it work? Bad MC? No effort on your part? No effort on your wife's part? How did counseling end? If counseling didn't help the marriage, what did the MC suggest you do? Did you discuss possible separation or divorce while in MC? You and your wife created a marriage together. The marriage is in serious trouble. You either work together to save it or you work together to end it. Either way, it's a joint effort. No more finger pointing either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 we only went seven times, but my wife wasn't enjoying it... it made things worse for her. So, we decided to stop. In the last 3 months we tried very hard to get things back on track, but it's too late. There's too much resentment there. My wife says I blame her for everything... and that if she blames me, I turn things around againts her... we are probably both to blame, but it doesn't matter now... we had a talk this morning and we decided that it's probably best if we get a divorce... Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 we only went seven times, but my wife wasn't enjoying it... it made things worse for her. So, we decided to stop. In the last 3 months we tried very hard to get things back on track, but it's too late. There's too much resentment there. My wife says I blame her for everything... and that if she blames me, I turn things around againts her... we are probably both to blame, but it doesn't matter now... we had a talk this morning and we decided that it's probably best if we get a divorce... Divorce is a choice, giotto, and no one would blame you or your wife if this is in both of your best interests. Only the two of you know for sure. But if I may say one thing..there are alot of marriages that reach this point..where both parties are ready to throw the towel in...and then they decide it's not what they really want...what they really want is a happy marriage together. I think you and your wife did so much finger pointing that created so much resentment, your love is buried. It is so buried you can't see it or feel it. My husband and I attended a marriage program called Retrouvaille designed for couples on the verge of divorce...couples who had given up hope, like you. Some even had divorce papers filed. One couple came the weekend before the final signing was scheduled. These couples came because they really didn't want a divorce. They wanted a marriage..a good marriage. But didn't know how to make it happen. You can check the program out if you have even the slightest doubt about following thru with divorce. I would also consider MC again. MC is hard work. It is uncomfortable. It isn't all flowers and rainbows and feel-good feelings. At least not at first and not for a long time. MC requires patient. But above all it requires committment...a stick-to-itive attitude. I don't think you and your wife gave MC enough time or effort for it to work..so obviously your problems did not get solved. Perhaps these words are falling on deaf ears because you and your wife see the writing on the wall and divorce is imminent. All will respect your decision. But if you are still looking for any shred of hope, here it is... I'm sorry for the pain you are going thru. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 taylor, the marriage is broken and it's not possible to fix it again. Too much baggage, too many issues, too much resentment. She did tell me she doesn't love me as she used to. To me, this is like saying that she doesn't love me, but she cares for me. She even said once - many years ago - that I wasn't "man enough for her". I should have got out then. We tried, I tried, but she only tried because of the kids. She told me that. I don't want "pity sex", I want to be loved and that's not there anymore. Sad, but true. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 I am so sorry to hear this , giotto. And I am sad for you. I don't mean to push the counseling card, BUT even if divorce is imminent, counseling may still be helpful to you, personally, to guide you thru the murky waters of divorce. Sounds like you have alot of healing to do, giotto. This marriage has been toxic for you..it has left you weak and broken. Counseling can help you pick the broken pieces of your life back up and put them back together so that you can move on. Counseling can help you unload the baggage and deal with the resentment in a way that is healthy for your own personal recovery. I have never been divorced but I know many couples that have. Many realized at some point that it was the right choice and many concede that they are much happier now than they were when in the midst of a failing marriage. I guess divorce is not just an ending. It is a new beginning. You may also get some great support and guidance from the folks on the separation and divorce forum if you haven't been there yet. Keep posting giotto. We care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giotto Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 thank you for the kind words, taylor. If feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I still love my wife, but she can't give me what I want (love, affection, sex...) and there is no point in trying anymore. I just get resentful and make things worse, which pushes my wife even further away. I cannot make her love me... it all boils down to that. Shame, but not a lot I can do about it... Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Giotto, I have found a site that is teaching me many things in my own marriage. I recommend the articles at marriagebuilders.com on quite a regular basis. Dr Harley runs this site. He has written a book called His needs/ Her needs. On this site their is an Emotional Needs questionnaire which establishes you and your wife's point of need. Clearly you have high sexual needs which she may never even meet. There is advice to both you and her to meet needs. The site is free. Me and others can testify to the effectiveness of their articles council. What can you lose by checking? I've printed all the pages and find myself continually learning. Link to post Share on other sites
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