How does it feel to be cheated on?? (guys)

[wildfire4689]

This is for the guys who have been honest and faithful in a relationship but were cheated on by their wife of g/f.

 

I am trying to start a relationship with a "damaged" man. It's going thru a confusing spell right now. I am the first relationship since the one where he was hurt. I want to know how I can help him move on, maybe by understanding where he is coming from better.

 

Here are a few of my questions:

 

Did having your partner cheat create trust issues? Do you still have trust issues? How scared are you to start a new relationship after?

 

Even if you like a girl, why is it so hard to move to the next step with her? Do you think all girls will hurt you?

 

Why is it that you act like you want a girl, then when you feel you two getting closer, you pull away?

 

What are you thinking when debating about being ready to start a new relationship with someone? How much does genuinely liking the girl actually factor in, or is it more about other things, like trust issues?

 

How can the girl show you that she is not a bad seed like the ex g/f who cheated on you....and how can the girl help you move past it all and help you slowly move into a new relationship?

 

 

**** I know these are alot of questions, but I am dealing with a tough situation with a guy, I really care for. He has been cheated on twice by two different girls and the last one was a hard blow to him, he definitely has issues. He has so much to offer a girl, he is so wonderful, but I don't think he knows it or feels like it. I want to have something with him and I think he wants me too, it's just he has these issues and I have no idea as to how to help him.

 

Thanks!!!!

[raine]

I have trust issues like your bf and personally I think I need to seek counseling. You could suggest the same for him or you could just try the method of reassurance. Make sure he knows that you love him and he is the only one for you. Compliment him and support him. It will probably take a very long time for him to fully trust you, what you need to ask yourself is if you have the patience.

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Originally posted by wildfire4689

 

 

Here are a few of my questions:

 

Did having your partner cheat create trust issues? Do you still have trust issues? How scared are you to start a new relationship after?

 

Yes it did create a bad trust issue for me.

 

Even if you like a girl, why is it so hard to move to the next step with her? Do you think all girls will hurt you?

 

yes. he's possibly thinking ,how are you any different from the others? or hes possibly hasn't gotten over the hurt it created in his life.

 

Why is it that you act like you want a girl, then when you feel you two getting closer, you pull away?

 

FEAR of getting hurt,its like why try,(at least thats the way i saw it ,when i was going thru that) its just gonna end up the same way it did the last time.

 

What are you thinking when debating about being ready to start a new relationship with someone? How much does genuinely liking the girl actually factor in, or is it more about other things, like trust issues?

 

if i like the girl alot i would wait and see what she has to offer to me in terms of love,trust,and friendship.

 

How can the girl show you that she is not a bad seed like the ex g/f who cheated on you....and how can the girl help you move past it all and help you slowly move into a new relationship?

 

being loving and standing by him.

 

you have to talk to him and convince him you'll alway love him (if you really love him don't ever lie to him about your feelings)

[emokid]

I never want to get hurt like that again and yeah, it did lower my self esteem and hurt me bad to the point where it was hard to trust a girl's love. Because one minute you have a girl that seems so into you and tells you she loves you and that you are sooo handsome and the best guy in the world , then it's all over. she's cheated on you. she doesn't need you anymore. WHAT? what about all those things you said, it was all lies? So yeah, stuff like that ruins you.

But, you shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells for the guy. I mean yeah, i have some trust issues now and am reluctant to just give my heart away to a girl who's really into me, but i don't punish her for what another did to me and I don't expect her to kiss my ass everyday so that i feel better about myself. He's gotta heal on his own, you shouldn't have to try and try to clear him of all this. Just be yourself. You can only do so much, if he can't get over the past hurt and see that he has a new love and he can't learn to be strong and control his emotions, then you're gonna have problems with him and that wouldn't be fair to you.

[reservoirdog1]

I don't know if this is advice, so much as my perspective.

 

My wife confessed to me in August that she'd been on-and-off unhappy during our whole seven-year marriage (more like "mirage", actually), and that she'd had one affair a few months before it, another lengthy one a few months after, and another 3 years ago. The last was with a married man, and much of the sex was unprotected. I was blissfully ignorant of all of this. We tried to rebuild for about two months and then mutually gave it up. I'll never forget what she did and I may never forgive her, and if we stayed together I'd always be suspicious. That's a rotten way to live.

 

Would I ever trust her again? Not in a million years. To me she's fundamentally dishonest and deceitful. I've been through the grieving process pretty much by the book, and with 10 days to go till I move out (we have kids, that's why I didn't leave sooner), my feelings towards her range on a continuum between anger/hate and total indifference. And when the facts of her rampant cheating enter my mind, I just think "f*ck you, you lying little slut" and I feel better almost immediately.

 

It's occurred to me that I may have trust issues with women going forward. However, the number of people who have assured me that she's an aberration, and that most women are not like her, has been quite encouraging. I haven't entered the dating scene yet so I don't have direct personal experience with my feelings on this. That, I think, is why the profanity-laced technique I mentioned above has worked so well; it's enabled me to mentally place her into a little box with other philanderers and their sad, pathetic little world. It enables me to see her as a deeply flawed, plastic individual living in a world of genuine, sensitive and honest people. (That's pretty black-and-white and a bit unrealistic, I know, but it's really helped me.)

 

One suggestion might be to do your damnedest to be incredibly honest with him. NEVER, for any reason, fake happiness for his benefit. Let him know your insecurities. Try to find ways to prove to him that, no, most women aren't like that and that he just got dealt a few hands of bad cards. Find out some of the details about his previous relationships that ended in the women's affairs -- not specifically the sexual details, but rather some ideas about how those women acted, their personalities, how he found out about their cheating, etc. It could give you some insight into behaviours he has his guard up against; if you don't exhibit them he could learn to relax. Go out of your way to show that you aren't like them. Were they ultra-showy, obsessed with image over substance, constantly engaging in "innocent" flirting while they were with him? (My wife was like that.) If so, DON'T be like that. Be genuine. Show that you're different.

 

And especially... have YOU ever been the victim of a cheater? If so, tell him that. Commiserate. Talk about how much it hurt, how used and humiliated you felt. Tell him about how you dealt with the betrayal, and any trust issues you had. Make him see that you'd never cheat on him, because you've been on the receiving end and you know how it feels.

 

And finally, remind him over and over again how great he is. And that there may be such a thing as karma, and that the women who cheated on him will get it back in their faces one day. I know that will happen to my wife, and when it does, I'll do my best not to laugh and point.

 

And if none of the above works... get him to try the "f*ck you" trick I mentioned above if they cross his mind. Works like a charm for me.

[UCFKevin]

My first relationship was with a woman who was secretly engaged and I ended up being her final fling, so in a way, I was being cheated on and so was her fiancee. I didn't know a thing about her engagement, she planned on me going to college and never learning about it.

 

Unfortunately, that episode really messed me up for a long time and I've had pretty bad trust issues ever since. They come and go, sometimes I can go a while without worrying or wondering but then it comes back. And it's ALL because of that one woman.

 

Then ANOTHER time this girl I was with, she knew I had trust issues, and she figured if I wasn't going to trust her, she might as well take advantage of it so she slept with three guys in this fraternity (which further fueled my hatred for fratboys) but somehow we got past that, I dunno HOW the hell I got past that, to be honest. If it happened now, I'd tell her to go to hell.

 

But yeah. Guys who've been cheated on will have trust issues.

[daverave01]

i find it hard to trust a women, especially when you put allot of effort into them, the things thats makes me angry is how much women critisize men for cheating when they are just as bad, im in a new relationship now it's frustrating cause i don't want to be controlling her life and be jealous but women love alot of attention which makes men jealous, at the moment she ressures me that she doesn't want to loose me and that im best she ever had, i have nothing to worry about, hmm how many people have heard that? and been hurt? the fact is were all human and prone to making mistakes then feeling guilty afterwards that is how we learn. i have problems in my relationship where she likes to recieve but doesn't like to give(not sexually) but it takes 2 to tango so she has to makes hard decisions cause she will loose me!

[moimeme]

It enables me to see her as a deeply flawed, plastic individual living in a world of genuine, sensitive and honest people.

 

Wow! Congrats on being able to get perspective on all this! That will certainly help you in your next relationships. Very impressive that you've managed not to be bitter about women in general.

[emokid]

Did i mention that when my girlfriend cheated on me, She didn't tell me she had until i gotten all the way to London from the u.s. to visit her at school( she had left for 3 months of school in London and Apparently needed a man right away)???

 

She waited til i flew 11 hours and took time off work to see her and be with her, to tell me that she was breaking up with me. She didn't even have the nerve to tell me that she had cheated, she said it was because she couldn't deal with the distance...so she didn't want a boyfriend. I actually found out accidently by borrowing a piece of paper from one of her notebooks and low and behold, found a love letter from him to her, Thanking her for "Their wonderful, passionate night together". What a Freakin' kick in the head.

[Bryanp]

To UCFKevin:

 

I am amazed by your story. You have a girlfriend who was aware you had trust issues because of previous bad experiences so because of this she goes out and screws 3 different men? Why in the world would you have wanted to work it out and get past it? Are you saying that if you did not have trust issues she would not have had sex with 3 different men? I am just amazed why you would have wanted to work it out with her in the first place.

[UCFKevin]

Well, to begin with, I HAD a girlfriend, it was from a few years back, and the thing is...we were together, but not. We were both rebounds, coming from a pretty harsh break up, and we felt like we loved each other but we really didn't. And like I said, truth be told, I have NO clue why I got back with her after she cheated on me.

 

But it was never meant to be, I never really expected it to last to be honest, it was more like a sex relationship with some feelings involved.

[reservoirdog1]

Hey... just goes to prove that cheaters are fundamentally dishonest people. My to-be-ex-wife put up an extremely effective false front that had me completely fooled for years. She made me believe she was happy -- I have a stack of cards she gave me on anniversaries, birthdays, etc. telling me how I was her best friend, how we were soulmates, etc. etc. What a complete crock. And, she had my family and hers completely fooled as well.

 

They're also fundamentally selfish. Your girlfriend made you fly across the ocean just so she could break up with you, without even having the guts to tell you the real reason. My to-be-ex-slut had her third affair with a married man, even though she knew his wife, apparently not caring that she was hurting both me and her. She had her second affair less than two months after our wedding, not caring about the vows she'd sworn in front of a few dozen of our closest friends and family. She took what she wanted, without a care for anybody but herself.

 

Who'd want to live with somebody like that? I certainly don't. There are more than enough people out there to be with who aren't serial liars and selfish cheats, who actually understand the meaning of big words like "commitment" and "fidelity". Neither your ex-girlfriend or my to-be-ex-wife are representative of women as a gender, or of people as a species. They're aberrations. Keep that in mind.

[UCFKevin]

God damn, Dog. That really sucks.

 

You think you know someone.

 

God damn.

 

[reservoirdog1]

And I forgot to mention affair #1, a few months before we swore our vows. That was with a friend of ours (not a terribly close friend of mine, but a friend nonetheless). I'm pissed at him, don't get me wrong. But when she broke it off with him, he was supposedly devastated -- he thought (because she led him to believe? I don't know) that there was a future between them. He was probably in love with her. So, she not only hurt me but him also. Yet another example of her selfish slut nature.

 

In a weird way, I feel some sympathy for him. But, he was the lucky one -- he got to boff her a bunch of times, and he's now happily married and lives across the country. He's damned lucky she dumped him to marry me -- if she hadn't, he'd be the poor bastard who was deceived for seven years. Nope, she saved most of it for yours truly, lucky son of a bitch that I am.

 

I spent seven years thinking she was honest and faithful and would never cheat on me. Go figure...

[moimeme]

I spent seven years thinking she was honest and faithful and would never cheat on me.

 

I'm starting to think that getting a full psych workup on a potential partner is the wisest course of action. I'm pretty sure 'pathological liar' would show up if the assessment was done right!

[reservoirdog1]

"Pathological liar"... my God, that about sums it up. And not for the reasons I thought.

 

Last night I was packing some of my things in preparation for my move-out on Saturday. I came across a few pages of handwritten prose belonging to my to-be-ex-wife.

 

I'm pretty sure I wasn't meant to find them. Also, I'm pretty sure they were written sometime in 1999, before affair #3.

 

Anyway, the writing began with her stating that, if people were asked what they thought of her, they'd probably say hardworking, community minded, honest, etc. Then she goes on to say that this is all based on lies. She went on to write that she's always lied -- to get laid, to get a better job, to get ahead, to STAY MARRIED! (She's told me in the last few months that the reason she didn't tell me about her affair #2, 2 months after we married, was because she didn't want to lose me.)

 

She went on to write that her mother used to tell her things... "don't tell Daddy, this will be our little secret", etc. She acknowledged that the natural tendency is to blame one's parents for one's own psychological makeup and behaviour. However, she then went on to say that she thinks she learned from this that it's OK to lie to those you love if the truth would be less appealing. Definitely the case with her actions towards me.

 

So, my feelings in the last day have shifted a bit, away from simple anger and hate and "she's a slut", and towards "she's completely messed up and an extremely unhappy person who hates herself." I think she's a pathological liar. I'm not sure if I should bring this up to her (she's already acknowledged that she tends to get involved in activities that involve a loose affiliation with the truth -- politics, public relations, e.g.). But, needless to say, I don't want my children raised with those same values -- I place a great value on honesty and want them to as well. I've gotten her to agree that neither of us will ever ask our kids to lie for us -- but how do I know she'd adhere to that? Is this pathology hard-wired into her brain?

 

I'm not backpedaling -- there's no way I could stay with her. Our marriage is shattered, in pieces on the ground. But man... what a complete mess. Her and our married life.

 

Anyway, this is rambling and may not need a response. But, it's extremely clear to me now that I didn't really know her at all. Quite a thing to realize after 7 years of marriage.

[Bryanp]

To Reserviordog 1

 

I have to tell you that your story is one of the worst stories I have ever read.

This has to be the ultimate nightmare realizing that you have a spouse that

not only slept with other people behind your back but acknowledges that she

has been a contant liar throughout your marriage and her life. In a bizarre way you are actually lucky that you found out even after 7 years. There are people

who never find out until 20 or more years later that their entire marriage was

a sham. You now have the time to find someone else who is not a pathological

liar and to be able to protect your children and counsel them.

I agree with the other poster that said a full psychological makeup exam

should be part of the pre-marriage process. I can only imagine the shock it

must be to know that you have lived with a stranger for 7 years. Your story

gives me absolute chills because I know it could happen to anyone. I wish you luck.

[reservoirdog1]

Thanks for the well wishes. It's weird -- despite the antipathy I feel towards her now, I actually don't wish her ill will (e.g. I don't hope she gets hit by a bus tomorrow). I honestly believe that she's something of a psychological mess, and I hope she gets help (though I don't know if I should be suggesting that) and that she finds happiness somewhere. The problem with lies is that they eventually come back and bite you on the ass, often when you least expect, and if she's spun as many as I think she has, it's only a matter of time.

 

But in any case, I know she can't be happy with me, and I can't be happy with her. I may never forgive and I know I'll never forget. But I agree, it's better to find out all this crap now than ten or twenty years from now. I'm only 31, so I guess I'll try to do in my 30s what I should have been doing in my 20s, rather than settling down with her. There are other fish in the sea.

[NYCmitch25]

I've never been cheated on (that I know of) but I would think that reaffirming your feelings would help a lot. I would tell him at ad nauseam that you aren't a cheater, and have never cheated and be dead serious about it. Tell him that you promise on a stack of Bibles that you would leave him before you would ever cheat on him. Would expand on this but I have two dogs begging to go outside..

[sparticuss]

Firstly congratuations in taking on something so daunting with so much understanding.

 

You may thingk that many girls do this but they dont. As soon as they find themselves with an damanged man they dump them doing even more damage.

 

I'm going to give you a whole mess of wrong answers because you are in the wrong mindset and asking the wrong questions.

(Not your fault of course considering that there is so little information on damaged guys, and both women and board moderators are so touchy about it when guys simply open up and tell you the truth )

 

Firstly, its not the cheating that damages the guys. It's the breakup. The cheating's just a symptom of the breakup. Guys don't actually LIKE it if their gf cheats but they arent excessivly put off if they KNOW its just sex and that she's coming back.

 

In Austraila post divorce suicide is actually the highest killer of men under age 45. HIgher than heart attacks, higherthan road accidents, and a suicide coount higher than all the rest of the suicides put together.

 

And most of these divorces do not involve affairs. It's the break up that does the damage, not the affair.

 

So Wild fire , you say you " want to know how I can help him move on, maybe by understanding where he is coming from better" concentrate on the damage done by seperation Wildfie. Don't dwell on the affiair.

 

A few morre questions --

 

Did having your partner cheat create trust issues? Do you still have trust issues? How scared are you to start a new relationship after?

 

--- The loss of love is the issue. Not the affair. If I know my partner can be "trusted" to come home after her little weekend fling I don't like it but the trust is not broken. The affair becomes one of those female bad habits. Like the male bad habits of wistling at every stray passing female.

 

 

Even if you like a girl, why is it so hard to move to the next step with her? Do you think all girls will hurt you?

 

== Lets see Wildfie? Hard?

 

Try this. You have a hot date and you are dressed really sexy. While on your way to his place a stranger accosts and rapes you. And in court blames the sexy gear you are wearing.

The court scoffs at that scapegoat and sentences him to the usual jail. Now Wildfiere, although the counseller tells you it wasn't the sexy clothing, and that it was purrely your rotten luck t be in the wrong place at the wrong time, would you ever contemplatte wearing that sexy gear again???? And would you think that ALL men would rape you given half a chance.

 

For every rape victim who suicides over post rape trauma there are over one hundred divorced guys who suicide over post divorce trauma. It's not an accurratte comparision but Ithinkit may give yo some idea of how badly these guys are hurting.

 

Yes they do think that every woman will hurt them.

 

 

Why is it that you act like you want a girl, then when you feel you two getting closer, you pull away?

 

== Because we do want a girl. But we do not want that pain. (Easy answer this time)

 

What are you thinking when debating about being ready to start a new relationship with someone? How much does genuinely liking the girl actually factor in, or is it more about other things, like trust issues?

 

== We are not debating starting a new relationship. We are flat out trying to survivethe emotional damage from the last one.

 

 

How can the girl show you that she is not a bad seed like the ex g/f who cheated on you....and how can the girl help you move past it all and help you slowly move into a new relationship?

 

Great questions! Ill start with the don'ts

 

- Don't tell him to "snap out of it". If I had been dating a rape victim and she couldn't face sex after her trauma I wouldn't tell her to "snap out of it". I'd lose her pronto if I did. Damaged guys and damaged rape victims do not jst snap out of it.

- Don't expect an offer of sex to magicly fix everything. There is no magic fix.

- Don't go stomping off in a tantrum like a child if he forgets some birthday or annerversiary. His brains are scrambled enough already and if you stomp of he won't come begging forgiveness. You will never hear from him again. You will lose him.

 

 

And the do's,

 

- Do accept the relatinship on his terms. That may well be casual with no co habitation and no committment for several years. Never forget how badly committment hurt him before.

 

- If you two are listening to a seperated gf moaning on that ALL men are barstards you DO jump donw the throat of your gf fast and hard . You tell her in no uncertain terms that your new BF is not a barstard and that she was a fool for picking up with a barstard inthefirstplace when there are so many good men around.

 

 

 

 

Wildfire. Theres a site called Dads in Distres DIDs which has alot more of this information .

 

 

Above all remaber the issue is not cheating.

Women and society are grizzling about lack of male committtment. Well he committed to apast relatinship. And that committment was bertayed. And he was dumped. Thats the issue. Not affairs.

 

Goodluck Wildfire.

[sparticuss]

This rambling on definitely does need a response.

 

Forget about you for the moment fella. What about you children.? Who gets custody.? You or her.? Get to the courts and fight for sole custody of your children.

 

Also,( and do it now, without waiting for the courts) get into the social welfare departmentand make sure that they know that your kids are being raised by a pathalogical liar.

Even if the courts wont let you protect your kids fromthis nut case the social welfare department makes its own rules, in defiance of the courts, as it goes along. If it's involved then your kids will have a chance.

 

 

"Pathological liar"... my God, that about sums it up.

Anyway, this is rambling and may not need a response. But, it's extremely clear to me now that I didn't really know her at all. Quite a thing to realize after 7 years of marriage.

[el cheato]

I like to think that being cheated on during what I thought was a loving relationship has taught me some things as much as it hurt.

 

When I found out it, it was such a shock. But upon reflection, I saw that I should have seen it coming, but chose to ignore it, to not upset an ideal I had in my head. (Could it have been when she played me the Stones 'Beast of Burden'? I take solace that she still wanted to "make sweet love to me"). It was a blow to the self esteem and convinced me to take a closer look at the people I surround myself with. But as resevoir has pointed out, sometimes you just can't tell.

 

So I say trust your own judgment, love him as much as you can, and be truthful, so at least you yourself can't say you didn't try.

[Cecelius]

Firstly, its not the cheating that damages the guys. It's the breakup. The cheating's just a symptom of the breakup. Guys don't actually LIKE it if their gf cheats but they arent excessivly put off if they KNOW its just sex and that she's coming back.

 

I can't get behind this statement. If my g/f cheats on me, then she's a weak egoed slut and she goes in the trash -- end of story. The only thing I am upset about is that I picked her, or if I banged her after he did. No rational man ever becomes so attached to a woman that her absense is quite that damaging.

[Woggle]

It was like being kickd in the gut with a steel toed boot and I hated women for a few years because of it. People think men don't have feelings but we do and we hurt just as much when we are betrayed.

[Outcast]

Kids, Wildfire asked the question in OCTOBER 2003