I've asked my EX back out... :/

[Hurting.]

So yeah, i text her asking her back out, we haven't been talking over a month now, and 24 hours later she text back saying "what has made you ask me now? you haven't been talking to me for a month"

 

I text back saying "no then?"

 

And i haven't had a text back, is this just her nice way of telling me no by not being direct or what ?

 

:/

--We broke in october, were friends till early January and ignored each-other up to now.

[Ronni_W]

I think it was her asking you about your current motives/inspiration/thoughts for asking her out after a month of ignoring each other. I also think it was a wise and fair question.

[Geishawhelk]

Who dumped who?

[Hurting.]

She was the dumper.

 

After we broke it was blatant we still both liked each other and we've both told each other that, i don't know how she feels now, but it's been a day since i texted her asking it it's a no then, but she hasn't text back.

 

You think i should of gave some sort of reasoning then ? What shall i do now? just wait.. ?

[Geishawhelk]

Why did you break up?

 

I hate to tell you this, but in all probability you're just prolonging your agony.

Even if she does take you back, in all likelihood, she'll dump you again.

 

You really should distance yourself from creating further and deeper heartbreak.

The reason she didn't jump at the chance, was - she didn't want to.

 

I'd break off all contact with her again.

And this time - make it permanent.

[confused and broken]

Dude you guys are already fighting.... Let her go find another hottie... One that will treat you right... Shes bitter you cant come back from that

[diskey23]

she didnt reply the 2nd time bc you basically put the ball in her court. she knows she can have you back now if she wants to. whats her rush?

[tuscansun]

Geese everyone's so negative on here you guys don't even know the situation. Personally, there have been guys that Ive broken up with and have had them pop their heads in later to ask me out, and yes I've been skeptical but it doesn't necessarily mean I don't like them anymore. It usually means that I want to see if they've changed at all. Her asking you 'why now' was probably a test to see where you were at. The fact that you ignored the question completely and just jumped to 'is that a no then' probably showed her that you didn't care about her concern and just wanted to know if she would go out with you. If I were you I would have addressed the question. Now it may very well be that she isn't interested anymore but sheesh ppl, hear the whole story before you make ppl feel bad....

[westrock]

she text back saying "what has made you ask me now? you haven't been talking to me for a month"

 

You never answered her question. What has made you ask her now? You haven't been talking to her for a month.

 

The fact that you ignored the question completely and just jumped to 'is that a no then' probably showed her that you didn't care about her concern and just wanted to know if she would go out with you. If I were you I would have addressed the question.

 

I agree with Tuscansun. She did not reply with the Yes that you hoped for, but she also did not reply with a No. Instead, she asked you a question, and you just assumed that meant a No. What do you expect her to do now, reply back with the same question again? If there is any hope here you first have to reply back to her with a proper answer other than a lame "no then?".

 

The other thing is why are you asking her out by text message? You should be calling her up and talking to her by telephone to explain yourself and then if you sense some interest on her part ask her out.

[Hurting.]

To answer her question then, well, i have ignored her for a month just hoping i will get over her, been having a laugh with other girls and going out for a drink with a couple, but over the month i've not spoken to her, no matter what i do, i've just been missing her and other girls don't seem half the girl she is.

 

Maybe i should have given her the straight up answer, but if i gave her that answer and she just text back with the answer, no. I look the dick.

 

Your right, it wasn't a yes, and it wasn't a no, what you advise i do now, i've text her 3 times over the last 5 days with no reply, i don't want to hassle her obviously.. :/ i see her in couple days, but she probably won't speak to me, and i can see the awkwardness will be there. Or shall i say something to her?

 

Also, i asked her out to her face last time, so just thought i'd try and text her hoping she'd say yes i guess, i don't see her like i used to and the time wouldn't be right to ask her over phone or to face.

[Ronni_W]

i don't see her like i used to and the time wouldn't be right to ask her over phone or to face.

That's a bit of crap, though -- the time is EXACTLY right for you to be more personal, put yourself on the line (because it is something that you want, and sometimes going after what we want comes with some risk) and call her.

 

Your best bet is something like, "Sorry I jumped to conclusions instead of answering your valid question the other day. The truth is I've been thinking about you and missing you the last month, and thought to ask you out."

 

You will not LOOK like a dick, for communicating honestly and acting with integrity. You may FEEL like a dick, if she says no. But that'll be a mind-game you're playing with yourself. In reality, just cos people aren't interested in dating us (again or for the first time), doesn't make us "dicks"...or whatever is the female equivalent of that, in this context.

 

Voice her, be honest and...good luck! Recall that she did NOT say 'no' when you asked, and she WAS interested enough to ask you a follow-up question -- pretty favourable, really, IMO.

[Hurting.]

Yeah, you have a point, i agree, but then i think, well if she wanted it that bad she would of made some sort of answer back, instead of just leaving it, if i liked a girl who asked me out and i asked her why she was asking me, and then she say is that a no, i'd still ask more questions etc. i wouldn't just leave it blank and let it go ..

Or do girls have different ways of dealing with this stuff? :/

 

It crosses me that she might not want to say no just to not dampen my feelings.

[carhill]

Call her up, tell her why you called and ask her out. Accept her response. Proceed

[Ronni_W]

but then i think,

Nah, see...you get yourself in trubble when you start thinking! Don't think and just do what carhill said.

 

The reason she didn't answer back is because YOU gave her a, er, dick reply to her question, which meant there was no space for her to respond in a mature way. Her lack of response speaks to how you reacted to her valid question, which was in an unfortunately under-developed way.

 

And your mind is doing its thing on you AGAIN, by not reminding you to put it all into context...she is your ex and you had been n/c for a month. And the fact that YOU would have responded differently if the table was reversed is so not relevant, your mind ought to tell you to forget it.

 

So, basically. Stop thinking and just do what carhill said .

[BCCA]

Can I ask a question? Did you give her a ration of crap when it finally ended, and tell her you never wanted to talk to her again, or something like that?

 

Because, her question could really mean, 'but I thought you didnt want to talk to me'.

 

well if she wanted it that bad she would of made some sort of answer back

 

Ok, so you've rationalized that she isnt interested, which truth be told - I dont think she is. Now, in the next breath, youre going to rationalize how she didnt say 'no', so maybe there is some hope here. See the fault in your logic?

 

If you need to make one final effort, for piece of mind or whatever, call her. Do not call more than once, do not send a text, and do not bother again if she doesnt get back to you. Personally, she knows where to reach you, but she didnt bother. To me, that makes a pretty clear statement. But who knows, stranger things have happened.

[Hurting.]

Ok, so i had a drink and find it in me to call her, explained i'm sorry for keep hassling and said that i just wanted an answer, told her the truth that i have just missed her and have been thinking about her for months.

 

(Btw, it was me who started the NC, i thought she was over me so told her to not speak to me)

 

She said she is really shocked and had presumed i moved on, she said the feelings for me are still there, but doesn't think it will work if we tried again, she said the NC was really hard.

 

Then she kinda wrapped the call up herself by saying she's tired and needs to get off so i didn't really get a chance, or want to ask more at the time, haven't had a call or text today, you just advise i leave it or what now? :S

 

EDIT: is there anything i can do, or say to make her change her mind on thinking it won't work? or just let this whole thing go ?

[carhill]

let this whole thing go

 

Yep, good advice

[Ronni_W]

Congrats on finding your courage to make the call!

And sorry that the outcome is not as you had hoped.

 

is there anything i can do, or say to make her change her mind

 

No. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

All there is to do is to respect that she made her assessments and arrived at a fully- and well-informed conclusion that, for her, it will not work. That is HER truth and reality, and that is what must be accepted and respected.

 

That part sucks. But the good part is that there are no longer any doubts and "what ifs"...those can keep one stuck, and limit one's ability to move forward unencumbered.

 

Hugs and good luck.

[Hurting.]

 

Well thanks for advice guys, guess i'll just have to start on getting over it once and for all.

 

And also, of course i respect what she wants, and that i'll do, just don't understand, she says she still has the same feelings for me, but has no intention of giving a relationship another go .. is that normal ? It's first time i've been the dumpee from a relationship and stuff. It's even more frustrating than her saying she doesn't have same feelings for me anymore i think. :S

[BCCA]

but has no intention of giving a relationship another go .. is that normal ?

 

First, just know that no matter what she said, your instinct would be to not accept it or understand it because its not what you wanted to hear. Thats normal human behavior.

 

Next, the harsh reality is that she isnt interested enough in maintaining the relationship to give it another go. That's why she doesnt want to even try, its just not worth it.

 

Lastly, it would not feel any better if she said she hated you, you smelled funny, or anything else. Rejection is rejection. We all think it would be easier to handle if it was some other reason, but its not. Refer back to my first paragraph - nothing she said would have convinced you because its not what you want.

 

Unfortunately, a lot of younger people really dont fully understand a relationship and the work it takes to make one work. So many of my friends run at the first sign of trouble, or decide that some seemingly small probably is just unfixable (usually because they dont value the relationship enough to make an effort).

 

Its all about effort. Where there is a will, there is a way. But when one person's will isnt there anymore, there is nothing you can do.

[Ronni_W]

she says she still has the same feelings for me, but has no intention of giving a relationship another go .. is that normal?

There is no "normal" when we are dealing with any single person -- we each have our unique set of beliefs, values, positive qualities, weaknesses, fears, idiosyncrasies, etc. And even if there was a "normal" when it comes to matters of the heart, and even if her position could be labeled "abnormal"...it makes no difference at all.

 

Can only suggest that you not give any weight to her crazy-assed mixed message...it is not meaningful and it is not significant. In fact, it is obvious that she does NOT have the same feelings for you, is it not?

 

You can respect what SHE believes to be true as her truth, and you can also apply your own intellect, see that there's no logic to what she's saying, and arrive at your own truth.

 

She could be saying it with intention for it to somehow make you feel "better" about things which, IMO, proves that she's not too knowledgeable about matters of the heart.

 

For you, though, it does not matter if it's actually true, or if it's just something she believes is true, or if she's just saying it cos she thinks it'll somehow help you. Everything she says must be put in context of: she does not wish to reconcile with you. Nothing else is as significant as that fact.

[Hurting.]

I guess your right, it has crossed me mind she is just saying she has same feelings to make the feel better, the phone call may of been sudden and she wasn't prepared to just say it too suddenly over phone.

I guess either way i need to let it go.

 

The last problem, i can't avoid seeing her about, do i go back to ignoring her? Do i start talking to her more frequent, i don't want to come across as a bitter *******, i was nice to her over phone, but i also don't want to be the guy she starts saying these stories too about her new boyfriend months down the line.

When i think about it, i don't want to be her friend, it's just gunna' hurt me in the long run, so how shall i act around her? Will ignoring her be the quickest solution to getting over her?

[BCCA]

i don't want to be her friend

 

Wise decision. From now on, act like she's a stranger. Be polite, hold a door open if it comes to that, but no chit chat, no phone calls, none of that.

 

don't want to be the guy she starts saying these stories too about her new boyfriend months down the line

 

Dont give her the chance, then. People WILL do that, and I agree - I wouldnt want to hear about it either.