How to deal with a "broken" guy?

[wildfire4689]

I have been seeing this guy for a bit now, and at first things seemed to be ok. But now, I am not so sure and I am not exactly sure why.

 

First off, he and I are not seeing eachother as much as we'd like to, his boss has him on crappy 4pm-2am shifts and it couldn't clash any worse with my schedule. So there is already one obsticle for us. We hardly see eachother now. But when we do, it's great b/c we have a blast. I've never met anyone like him.

 

Well recently, we have become intimate and it was wonderful. We have such chemistry, it's wild. He came over brought some candles and things to make it romantic, it was very sweet. After all the fun, he kept telling me to get close to him, the guy's the cuddler in this case. lol

 

Ok, and on to the problem...he has me so confused. It's like when we get close, he pulls back. He will keep going back and forth with things. Since the "night" I haven't seen him at all and it's been 5 days. He's called but not much. I want to be understanding and I know his job has him nuts now, but I am feeling kind of insecure. I feel like maybe being with him was a mistake , that I should have waited now. I didn't regret a thing before, but now, I am starting to feel that way, and I don't want to. I guess it's human nature, atleast for me...lol How can you go from a night where you act like someone is your everything to barely seeing or talking to this person? It makes no sense to me.

 

Before, he told me that he wanted to take things slow and I agreed, I needed to as well. We both have come from relationships where we were "crapped" on. I want to take things slow too....but I hate it when he pulls away from me. It makes me feel like I have done something wrong.

 

So guys, can a man be scared to get too close to a girl because of past issues? He was cheated on (has been done this way twice by two different girls) in the last relationship. He was inlove with her and she screwed him over. Is it because he senses that we are getting closer or he wants to get closer, that he pulls away like this? For me, I am just as scared as he is but I know that I have got to move on with someone, I'd like it to be him but I can't make that happen if he doesn't try as well.

 

Can you tell me what I should do to help him feel better about things? I wish there is some way to show him that I will not mistreat him like his past g/f's. I guess he will have to come to realize this in his own time. It's just frustrating from my end. Any advice on dealing with this type of guy? Thanks....

[NEONINK]

Good question! You can't take it personal, if he is having to deal with some demons in his head. Those are his demons. You might feel like you don't want to ask him a lot of questions, for fear of driving him away, but if he's a talker, you have a better chance of knowing what's going on in his head.

 

I think that's the key, what's going on in his head? Unless he talks to a therapist or trusted friend, he may remain this way for a while. However, if you can get him to talk, that's even better. He sounds like a romantic fella. Yeah! I know how you feel, you want the cake, not the crumbs. You are inside the circle waiting on him to jump in with you. The slowest must lead, so take your time, but only a reasonable amount of time.

 

 

Love is always a risk. But I believe, one man's trash is another man's treasure. We just have to be willing to take the chance.

[clia]

I disagree on trying to get him to talk. He obviously needs his space. It's not uncommon for guys to pull back slightly after some intimacy. Just be there and don't hound him about it. He will come back to you when he is ready. It's so much better for you not to bring it up and have big talks about it. I'm not sure on how long you have been dating him, but big talks can and do scare guys off from time to time. (Note that I am not saying communication is bad. It is good. But I know you want to talk and talk and talk about this...when in reality, all he needs is some time to figure things out.) You can prove to him that you won't cheat by being there for him when he needs you, being supportive, etc. He will learn to trust you over time. Just don't push it.

 

And also, read Mars and Venus on a Date. John Gray talks about the rubber band phenomen, and I've found it to be quite accurate.

[Kelebek]

That rubber band theory is SCARILY true, it really was a help to read. I recommend that too!

[Iamhappy]

What is this rubber band theory? Please explain. Thanks.

[TremblingBluStar]

Originally posted by clia And also, read Mars and Venus on a Date. John Gray talks about the rubber band phenomen, and I've found it to be quite accurate.

It can be. I know I've found myself pulling away from women who push too hard for intimacy and an emotional connection. There are a few instances where I wish I hadn't. However, things change with age. I think now if I met a girl that I knew was perfect for me, I'd have no problem becoming intimate right away.

 

Of course, I can't speak for other guys.

[Kelebek]

Hi Iamnotnothing , this theory states that men need to pull away when they get too close to a woman, to feel free and in control. Like a rubber band. Usually after you have gotten close to them, physically or emotionally (more the latter, really) they pull away, stretching like a rubber band to their full extent. Once they have reached this point, they will come back, like a rubber band does. A man apparently needs to feel his independence, get a sense of his SELF back after an emotional moment, as he is scared of losing that sense of self in a "relationship," where he feels he would become half of another person, not simply himself. It's hard to describe, but it makes perfect sense.

 

In the space of time it takes for a man to stretch away and enjoy a bit of quality him-time, a woman gets worried over why he isn't calling, questions it, holds emergency meetings with friends, over-analyses every single second of the relationship so far, wonders what she did wrong, was she too controlling, not controlling enough, etc etc etc. The list goes on. (Indeed, I'm going through this phase right now, lol.) Then the man comes back, oblivious to the fact that he has upset the woman, who is angry that he doesn't seem to care about her. Apparently men don't feel the same need as women do for catch-up sessions, getting to know each other again after a gap in the relationship, no matter how small. They just think they can pick up from where they left off, without any fuss. They don't even realise there's BEEN a gap, all they see is that one day they're calling a lovely woman, they leave it for a few days to clear their heads and feel like themselves again, call the lovely woman and for some reason she is very grumpy with them. I understand it, to an extent, I just don't see why we have to make their lives so easy, by accepting this behaviour!!

 

Except even when you know what is happening, it's still hell!!!!!! John Gray describes it in a far more concise manner, and much less complicated than I just did. Look it up on Google, that might help!

 

Wouldn't it be so much simpler to be a man????!!!!!!

[TremblingBluStar]

That's still a good description, Kelebek.

 

I don't know. I must just be an over-emotional man attracted to manly women because quite a few of the women I've dated did the same thing you are describing. Of course, I'm attracted to very independent women, so this may be a factor.

[moimeme]

Oh goodness! I hope that being an 'independent woman' doesn't classify one as 'manly'!

 

I'm the former but definitely not the latter But you raise a good point. I wonder whether Grey's hypothesis that this is a 'male' trait is true or whether it's just a relationship style.

 

I would be real interested to hear from both genders about this!

 

You asked:

 

So guys, can a man be scared to get too close to a girl because of past issues

 

Again, not a guy, but the answer is a resounding YES. People got baggage. Baggage bedevils relationships, sometimes even despite the baggage handler him- or herself.

 

Your guy might wish to get close but have some warning bells shrieking in his brain. People can and do get over these things but, it isn't simple.

 

This, you see, is the 'run like a rabbit' syndrome spoken of here before. My what a tightrope it is to try to walk carefully between not being too eager lest they flee and being not eager enough lest they mistake that for lack of interest or rejection. Oh, for a course in mind-reading!

[TremblingBluStar]

Originally posted by moimeme

Oh goodness! I hope that being an 'independent woman' doesn't classify one as 'manly'!

I don't know. How much facial hair do you have?

 

When I say manly, I don't really mean "looks like a man". More like takes charge, isn't afraid or passive, doesn't take s%@! from anybody type of woman.

 

Maybe I'm simply attracted to traits in women I see myself lacking. I don't know. Unfortunately, most of the relationships I've had with women who fit this description didn't work out for one reason or another.

[coursingthru]

You think your guy is broken? Try mine out - he and I dated over 2 years, my daughter and I moved in with him last May - on his request. A lot of things happened within weeks after us moving in to me personally and I have had to pull myself together but because the traumas were so severe (I've just figured this out how severe ovier the past month) I had bouts of anger where I would accuse him of things, destroy things - like letters, pics, etc. and I didn't know what was bringing on the rage.

 

 

He was there for me thru all of it - accepting my apology. But the thing is, I didn't have the true coping skills to deal with what I had to deal with and his idea of just "changing your mindset" didn't work for me. I felt like I was losing my mind. He still asked me to marry me in September and I said yes but because of my traumas - it didn't feel like it should have. I was numb and noticed I was becoming something I never was in my life ever with anyone, but with him.

 

 

December we broke up for good - he moved out and completely shut down and for a month was pacifying me to make sure he could get back in the condo and make me and my daughter move out. When things didn't go way - he turned into an extreme MF - seriously, a side I never saw but am glad to God that now I have seen his trueself. He is an excellent BS'r and would make an awesome Stepford husband. What I have learned is that I am 100% real and he hides behind a mask afraid that if others new his true self, they might be dissapointed in him. I think what really snapped me out of feeling we may work out is when he went off on me Sunday on the phone of evierything he's ever done or bought me - including the ring - which I voluntarily gave back to him. He told me he treated me the best out of all my relationships and what was his reward. I simply quoted to him what he told me all the time, "I am so thankful you are so allowing and open with me." "I am finally the man I've always wanted to be because you let me be myself".

 

 

I could go on, but when it comes down to it - when they are feeling a certain way, ask what's going on or if there is something maybe you can do to help or maybe modify a behavior that you may be doing unintentionally and just maintain being yourself. I loved this man like no one else before and felt he did too, which I am sure he did but doesn't know how to deal with emotions, he is that typical "book smart, emotionally inept" case. It hurts and it's sad, but I can only let go. It is like my brother says, "The woman picks the man and if she can be there for him no matter what, sit back and wait - he will eventually come around". He tells me I picked this guy and he is stupid because there will never be another woman that let him be who he is as I with him.

 

 

I'm not being full of myself - I just know what I have to offer just as evieryone else should feel about themselves as well.

 

 

Remember - a lot of men do not like to express themselves to women and it has to be slowly opened up and in an enviroment that they are comfortable with. The one way I chose for my (ex) man, was setting the mood with candles, Ottmar music, and draw him a bath and then givie him a massage and I would talk to him quietly while he was fully relaxed and he would just let things out.

 

 

Another important thing is "listening" to what he is saying, make sure you hear what he's said - even if you repeat it back to him in your own way, that way he knows you are listening. I've learned to do this and it is amazing how much you don't really listen to what someone said or take it out of context! We had to do a day per our therapist where we couldn't ask eachother any questions, it had to be in the form of a sentence - like; "I'm feeling hungy and think pizza would be good to order". or "I hope your day has gone well for you today". It was difficult but it makes you pay attention to a question and response.

 

 

ANYWAY - I am glad I found this site!

[Venéa]

It's very hard for anyone to trust again after being cheated on by the one they love. Some seek to talk about it, maybe get emotional, some don't want to talk about it at all and in this case you must give them the space they need. He seems like a very decent guy, who is just confused and worried that he might lose another person who means alot to him.

 

The rubber band theory is definitely true. Spookily true in fact.

 

Kind of off topic but relates: What annoys me is when men (and women) are cheated on and they seem to think that punishment should be given to every one of the female (and male) population. Example: my guy was cheated on many years back by a love and for about 3 years he fooled around, never took dating seriously, used women etc etc. It's sad to see someone hurt so much and act so foolishly, themselves believing that paying every woman back for one's mistrust makes them feel better in the end. I have never met anyone who has acted like that and doesn't regret, opting eventually for talking or shutting it out.

[reasontosigh]

wildfire, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am more or less in a similar situation. There is a guy I have gotten very interested in who is also going through some work-related stresses at the moment. The other thing that sounds a bit like your situation is that I did find out (when one of his friends had mentioned it to me) he had been engaged about a year or so ago, but she had cheated on him. It seems to me that he is still getting over it, though the one time someone mentioned her name his reaction was not a very kindly one, shall we say, so I sincerely doubt he'll be in touch with her, much less getting back together.

 

From what I hear, the work stress should ease up over the next few weeks, so we shall see what (if anything) transpires from there.

[faux]

Originally posted by wildfire4689

...So guys, can a man be scared to get too close to a girl because of past issues? He was cheated on (has been done this way twice by two different girls) in the last relationship. He was inlove with her and she screwed him over. Is it because he senses that we are getting closer or he wants to get closer, that he pulls away like this? For me, I am just as scared as he is but I know that I have got to move on with someone, I'd like it to be him but I can't make that happen if he doesn't try as well.

 

Can you tell me what I should do to help him feel better about things? I wish there is some way to show him that I will not mistreat him like his past g/f's. I guess he will have to come to realize this in his own time. It's just frustrating from my end. Any advice on dealing with this type of guy? Thanks....

 

Yes, I think men can be afraid to get too close to a girl because of past issues with other women. This is still the case for me at the present time. I met a few really wonderful girls, but kept pulling away from them. I really thought the world of them, too, but me keeping distant drove them away.

 

It's probably as much, if not more, frustrating for him as it is for you.

 

I've been hurt like this guy has, too. I don't think that he doesn't trust you or love you, but just that getting close reminds him of situations that really upset him. I don't think he knows what to do, but that's just how I feel.

 

Share your thoughts and feelings with him. You stated your concerns here well. Maybe you can copy what you posted here into a little note, and use it as a queu card when you try to talk to him, if you need help organizing what you want to say.

 

I'm sure he'd appreciate your concern, and your willingness to understand and work this out.

[dontgetmen]

I'm going to have to look into this. I went on a date w/ a guy from my past who, like me, had been cheated on by his ex-spouse. We both divorced around the same time. I know that he had a good time on our date. I could tell that he was VERY interested. He said that he had a good time and wants to spend more time w/ me. Complimented me....yet, has made no effort to make a second date. He just pulled away. It has been over three weeks and I haven't heard from him. I gave up trying.