Does no response mean anything?

[Just2cute]

Hello.

Iam 33 years old. Al is 43 years old. I met Al 10 mos ago. His sister fixed us up. It took one date and we were inseperable. Although he lives 500 miles away (grin). However we call each other 4 to 5 times a day. He would call me in the morning to wish me a great day. I would call him in the afternoon and let him know I was thinking of him and I loved him...vice/versa. Then He would call me at night and put me to bed. We would make sure we got together once if not twice a month. Our visits were always wonderful. He started talking about the possibility of future early in our relationship. However, both of us have much to lose if we move. Ihave my family and career here, and he has a 25 year career there. But as time has gone on, I am more inclinded to move. He is such a mature and grounded man. Relationships are hard to come by. Anyway...

I have a friend that I met as a pen pal over the internet. He is well into his 60's. Over the past few years, he has grown very fond of me. He has evenshared that he has had fantasies about me. We have only met for a few lunch date, but basically our relationship has consisted of supportive emails to one another. I mentioned "Arron" to Al early in our relationship. Although Al is not a jelous man, he felt that it was not healthy to continue a relationship with this man. I agreed. However, prior to ending my "email" relationship with Arron, he wanted to send me a gift of money to assit with a conference trip I was planning this past summer.

One day I walked into my office and an envelope from Arron was sitting on my desk. After much deliberation, temptation got the worse of me and I took the money.

Now...Al. As I mentioned before, Al's sister fixed us up. When I first met her, I really liked her and enjoyed her company. I wanted to share this gift with her and invited her to attend the conference with me. I explained how I got the money, not thinking twice. Well she felt the need to tell Al. He never told me.

 

Recently Arron emailed me and asked how the conference went? I responded and told him that I loved it and Thanks for the gift of money. I intended on paying him back as justification of taking it. He then emailed me and wanted to initiate our relationship again. I reminded him of our agreement. And told him good-bye.

 

Later I told Al about the email (not the money). He asked if there was anything else I needed to tell him? I told him No! He then shared with me that he knew about the money and wanted to know why I lied. He became very upset. I tried to explain....I thought it was innocent. He then explained, that NO man will give a woman money and not expect anything in return. He said he was hurt I took it and was hurt I lied to him. He said he needed some space.

 

I called him a week later. The same. He said he was thinking that he is so tired of being hurt by women. He just can't trust me anymore. He feels numb. I asked if he missed me, and he coldly said no. He would rather just be friends than continue on this way. I was dumbfounded. Although I recognized why he would be hurt, I didn't think he would break up!!! Al ended the conversation, while I was sobbing saying that he needed more time, but don't be surprised if all he can offer me is friendship and nothing more.

 

I wrote him an email and told him that I accept his offer of friendship and return that friendship as well. I explained to him that I was here in whatever compacity he needed. I never heard from him.

As hard as it has been, I will try not to contact him. He runs an Auto Craft Skills Shop for Ft. Benning Ga. Prior to our breaking up, he had a Mini Van that he was going to give me. He termed it "our family" car. My 200 thousand mile Taurus recently bit the dust. To save me the time, money and effort it takes to purchase a new Vehicle, he immediately drove 500 miles bringing me his spare truck to use until the Van is ready. That was the last time we saw one another. We were so totally connected. On the way back to the Air Port he was telling me that we really need to get our affairs together and ready to see who can reasonable make the move so we can be together. He was rubbing my leg and kissing my hand. I felt so close to him. The closest. The week prior to our break up was wondeful. We were planning to meet half way in Tenn. for a little weekend getaway. His family is here and tries to monopolize his time. Sometimes he would sneak in w/o telling them so we could spend some quality time together. However he would have a little streak of guilt. This time we just wanted a few days of "US". So, again, I am left dumbfounded. I really thought we had something special.

Oh....I did hear from him this weekend. I had left a message and told him that I had to replace the tires on his truck. This was after I told him that I would accept his gift of friendship in recognition of the pain he is going through. He didn't say anything. He just said that he still wants me to have the van, and I can use the truck as long as I needed it. He was pleasant, but it felt awkward.

 

Here is my last letter to him.....

Dear Al,

Not sure exactly how you said it...however what "I" heard you say to me, during one of our discussions....... was your desire to find a woman who would love you or return your love, with the same passion and commitment as you give them.

 

I want you to know that I love you very deeply. I literally gave you 100% of my mind, body, and soul. I may of made some mistakes, however my mindset was always dedicated to you and in my desire to nurture this relationship as much as you did. You literally could not (as you say)"Melt and pour" another man on me. I never even thought of another man because I already felt like I had the best!

 

That is one of the reasons I felt our love making was so beautiful. It was because of how I felt about you and could feel how you felt about me. It was more than technique, it was EMOTION. I never experienced that depth of emotion with anyone. I was proud that I went there with you. I loved you even more for taking me there.

 

I know I had a deep respect and love for you. A love I gave, I felt was full of passion and commitment. Even to a point where I was reflecting on my own behavior in regards to you, wanting you, needing you, feeling you, and loving you.

 

I am watching Oprah today on relationships, thus provoking my desire to to email you.

 

I miss you very much...

 

Love Just.

 

I emailed him that letter last Tuesday. No word. His Birthday is this Friday. I have a few things that I thought of sending him with a simple birthday card. What are your thoughts??

[moimeme]

This could be a lost cause. There's a great saying: 'never do behind his back what you wouldn't do in front of him'. Unfortunately, you broke that rule and, when given a chance to 'fess up, you bailed.

 

If you'd said anything in your letter, you should not have minimized what you'd done by saying you 'made some mistakes'. Instead, you should have shown remorse for exactly what you did and you should have promised him that you would never do such a thing again - if you meant it, of course.

 

Sometimes, if people are sincerely, deeply remorseful, the people they have hurt may forgive them. But that isn't always the case.

 

Yes, try one last time. If you truly are sorry for what you did, tell him so. However, it seems as though you are still justifying and minimizing it, and that won't do. It's only if you are genuine about it that there might be a tiny chance he'll believe you. Otherwise, you have blown it.

[jenny]

i remember your story, thank you for updating.

 

i am a bit confused about the car story. your ex gave you this car to save you from further trouble?

 

if sentiment is removed from the story, it would appear that you have again accepted an inappropriate gift, even if from him. accepting gifts where the emotional relationship does not warrant them was his initial complaint, was it not?

 

it's possibly i simply misunderstood. i am clear on the fact that you love him lyrically, but i'm not sure what the new problem is. it seems clear to me he is no longer interested in you as a long-term candidate, even if he is giving you large gifts.

 

i should be clear about my bias, as well; women who make money by dating men make me very nervous, ethically. this bias limits my understanding of the situation, but i would like to understand it better.

[Just2cute1969]

Al,

 

I was so wrong to accept the money. I was wrong to not admit

the truth right away. I am so very sorry. I promise you, I will

never withhold any truths from you again! I hope in time, we can

restart our relationship.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

Jus

[jenny]

i'm still unclear. forgive me, i am very slow.

 

did you accept the truck for use and will you eventually accept the van from him?

[moimeme]

I was so wrong to accept the money. I was wrong to not admit

the truth right away. I am so very sorry. I promise you, I will

never withhold any truths from you again! I hope in time, we can

restart our relationship.

 

I'm crossing my fingers for you.

 

Jenny, her ex promised her the vehicle before they broke up and kept his promise. I did the same thing with my recent ex; I'd promised him the second car and I gave it to him even though we'd broken up. A promise is a promise.

[jenny]

i would not accept a van from a man i was not living with. i find her motives for accepting it very strange:

 

"This was after I told him that I would accept his gift of friendship in recognition of the pain he is going through"

 

she may be sorry she got caught before, but there does not seem to be any fundamental change in behaviour. the other money was not returned, the sister and family are still, to some degree, blamed, and gifts are still being accepted. the love promises are very pretty, but they are not consistent with the actual behaviour.

 

i just want to understand more of the facts. through other posts, i understand the spin that she loves him, but some vital information is still missing here.

[moimeme]

So what do you think of my giving a vehicle to my ex?

[jenny]

i think you are ethical and living up to a promise.

 

i'm not sure the situations are similar enough to be compared, but i don't know.

[Lurker]

Originally posted by moimeme

So what do you think of my giving a vehicle to my ex?

 

The difference, as I see it, is this: You are honoring your word by following through on your promise. Your ex, on the other hand, is not honor bound to accept your offer and quite possibly should refuse it at this point (depending on all the details that we don't know).

[Lurker]

I was so wrong to accept the money. I was wrong to not admit

the truth right away. I am so very sorry. I promise you, I will

never withhold any truths from you again! I hope in time, we can

restart our relationship.

 

I remember you, too. Frankly, I would leave it alone at this point. I don't think there is anything you can add to what you have already said (including your latest email) that is going to change the situation. I also think you have to consider whether this man is able to move past this. Even if you can convince him somehow to re-engage, will it be worth it? Or will there forever be this black cloud hanging over you (or, worse yet, suspicion on his part)?

[moimeme]

I believe trust can be regained but it takes a huge amount of work on the part of the person who betrayed the trust to win it back. And sometimes the person who feels betrayed can't get past it. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to learn by making stupid mistakes that end up having huge repercussions on us.

[pinkroses]

why were you nurturing an online relationship with a man well into his 60's when you are only 33??? His offering to give you money for your event should have been a red flag. Even if it wasn't a large amount of money. I think it was very naiive to accept that gift, or to tell anyone about it, especially the sister of your boyfriend. I don't blame him for not trusting you, yet he's being honorable in holding up his end of the bargain, despite his hurt feelings. He sounds very mature. He probably thought you were too. My thoughts are that he may need time to cool off and think things over. You've done enough e-mailing and smoothing over, let him respond now.