ENIGMA1 Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 I have caught my wife lying several times in our 9 month marriage. The issues themselves are not huge by my standards but they do seem to point to a certain pattern of behavior that I do not find pleasant, the lying itself and trying to cover it up with other lies. In the most recent incident, she changed the password to our on-line banking for several days so I could not access it. She did this in response to some bills I paid off the she considered "my bills" and a portion of "her money" was used. I spoke with the bank and they indicated the password had been changed. When I confronted here with this information she got mad and denied it. Same pattern as the past, she gets very angry and defensive when caught in a lie and tries to play the victim. She still maintains she knows nothing about it and "magically" the password has been changed back to I can access it but she is now demanding and apology for my accusations. She gets very hostile and defensive when confronted so for the moment I just had to let it go. I am not sure if it is a control issue or her need to be a "good person" which causes her to do to lie and then try to cover it up. I also wonder if she secretly gets satisfaction she thinks she has me fooled. My biggest concern at this point is that letting her "get away with it" could lead to the same pattern with other issues in the future. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 did you not know her before marriage? sounds like you didnt know she was like this. i would suggest counseling. but im not sure a person like this would be one you would want to spend the rest of your life with... Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 I think that Jalexy hit this on the head pretty well, although I want to contribute a bit more from my own personal experience. Allow me to disclaimer this at the onset by saying that this is not necessarily what to expect of your wife. My exhb, as I have come to refer to him, is one of the most intelligent men I have known in my life. He is superb with numbers and concepts such as particle physics, et cetera. However, he has some extremely problematic issues that have come to include diagnosis of clinical depression among other things. He, too, is a big-time liar. The behavior you describe in terms of your wife "needing to be the good person" is very reminiscent of my ex's behavior, although now, he accuses me of doing precisely that. Whenever I would catch him and call him on a lie, (because just like you, I did not find that the lies were of any major significance at the time) he would make a scene, at times to the point where he would delve into our past to throw something "horrible" that I had done to him in my face. Great fun. I would say that you have more than reasonable cause to be concerned. It is possible that your wife is not necessarily aware that she is lying; she may have convinced herself that talking with you about the bank password situation was "none of your business." (Control thing.) I highly recommend you seek the assistance of a competent couples counselor. I'm not sure how to recommend you approach your wife about this, because chances are, she will take offense to the mere mention of a counselor. The best approach may be, "I truly love you and want for us to be able to spend the rest of our lives together, and I feel that we could use some help learning to communicate with each other more effectively." DEFINITELY avoid the pointing fingers approach, no matter what. I hope any of this is relevant to you, and I wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ENIGMA1 Posted October 1, 2003 Author Share Posted October 1, 2003 Originally posted by 2SidestoStories The best approach may be, "I truly love you and want for us to be able to spend the rest of our lives together, and I feel that we could use some help learning to communicate with each other more effectively." DEFINITELY avoid the pointing fingers approach, no matter what. I have been trying for counseling, I think your approach is well-suited to this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
robertt Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 I am married to a lier. I found the book People of the Lie by Peck helpful. The pattern of lying, changing the story to try and cover, becoming defensive, and finally blaming you is very familiar to me. My suggestion is to get out while you can. If children come into the marriage it gets harder and harder to deal with the lying and impossible to work together to raise the children. Counseling in my case has been futile. The lier can fool the counselors for months at a time. When they start to catch on, the lier finds that the counselor really doesn't understand her and goes off to another. This pattern has gone on for five years with my wife. After a handful of counselors it has only gotten worse. I wish you the best. And as hard as it can be to admit, a marriage without honesty is not the way to spend the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 One of my children really lies alot. I have found he does this to avoid confrontation and taking responsibility for his actions. I DO believe it can be a lifelong habit because his father was also like that. He always felt, due to someone else putting him on the spot, he was 'justified' to lie....therefore it wasn't really a lie....but a defense mechanism. I'm not sure how to deal with it. Certainly THEY need some sort of help from somewhere!!!! I don't know if lying is the real problem...as much as it just being a bandaide for what the real problem is. Link to post Share on other sites
Desert Wind Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 I agree with you, Arabess. Not every problem is really a big problem that CANNOT be handled and managed constructively. I have been to many therapists and psychologists for my own issues and many diagnosed me with symptoms from the books, but to come down more to earth with it, I was simply lost and torn between what I feel right and what is right. That was a conflict inside me which I didn’t know how to address, and I knew I had this problem. Like you said, Arabess… it’s like a band aid, a person just would try anything she thinks possible to manage the situation she is in, and when she realized that her spouse (egnima) confronted her with the FACT, she couldn’t handle being the one making a mistake. It is probably her way of getting even (which is childish in many eyes, and she probably knows that too) and when the subject is out, she felt guilty but still refused to admit it was her ‘jealousy’, ‘revenge’, ‘getting even’, etc., so she just did what she thinks as damage control without consulting the other party hoping the heat will just cools off in due time. This behavior can be addictive and if not corrected, can result in further disagreement in everything else when living together. But with the right counseling, it can be improved. It’s a matter of awareness of one’s actions and communication. She plays too well with assumptions and that is not healthy. Desert Wind Link to post Share on other sites
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