Interesting...

[Lizzie60]

You know what.. I will ask one of my MM (I haven't seen him in a long while) but I'm sure he would accept to write me an email.. then I can copy/paste it..

 

I have to find his email addy..

[lord alfred douglas]

My Lizzie you never fail to inspire strong emotional responses from the women

[grogster]

Grogs.. like you, I don't like the term Cougar.. cause that sounds like 'predator'.. which I am not.. I have never ever chased a younger guy... they come to me... so I don't consider myself a Cougar.

 

Yes all the W are younger.. no exceptions.

 

There are as many reasons for men to cheat as there are cheaters..

 

I apologize, Lizzie. No offense intended. The term is more benign in my usage but I understand its power to offend.

 

Personally, I like "cougars." More often than not, they're very interesting women. Not boring--as they say.

[Lizzie60]

My Lizzie you never fail to inspire strong emotional responses from the women

 

 

hahaha.. I wonder why?

[Lizzie60]

I apologize, Lizzie. No offense intended. The term is more benign in my usage but I understand its power to offend.

 

Personally, I like "cougars." More often than not, they're very interesting women. Not boring--as they say.

 

Grogs darling.. I'm not offended.. as you know it is soooo not your style..

I honestly don't see myself as a Cougar although I am not against older women going after younger men.. to each their own.

[JamesM]

WOW Trimmer! Great insight!!! And I think you're SPOT ON!!!

 

I don't.

 

Based on the logic used by Dr. Trimmer Freud, we all are either monogamous or promiscuous as a result of our father's behavior.

 

I suppose that since my father has been married to my mother for fifty years, then I will stay married for fifty years. And since my wife's parents have been married for fifty years, then we have it made. No work is necessary.

 

I may as do what I want because it won't matter. My marriage will last despite my choices.

 

Thank you, daddy.

 

Lizzie, are you free?

[Lizzie60]

I don't.

 

Based on the logic used by Dr. Trimmer Freud, we all are either monogamous or promiscuous as a result of our father's behavior.

 

I suppose that since my father has been married to my mother for fifty years, then I will stay married for fifty years. And since my wife's parents have been married for fifty years, then we have it made. No work is necessary.

 

I may as do what I want because it won't matter. My marriage will last despite my choices.

 

Thank you, daddy.

 

Lizzie, are you free?

 

I haven't read his post.. but I suppose it's something like a 'kitchen therapist' type of post..

 

Some people seriously think they're psychiatrist..

 

Lizzie, are you free?

 

When?

[soserious1]

Can anyone say prenup?

 

I'm not interested in marrying again or in coming anywhere close to the place

where another person might lay claim to my assets. Actually, I'm really not interested in any but the most casual of relationships at this point.

[Lizzie60]

I'm not interested in marrying again or in coming anywhere close to the place

where another person might lay claim to my assets. Actually, I'm really not interested in any but the most casual of relationships at this point.

 

I feel the exact same way.. What I had left after my separations.. I keep for myself.. and what I'm working for now.. is for my own little pleasures and my kids and grand-kids..

 

No man on this planet will get one penny from me..

 

We get wise as we get older.. right?

[grogster]

I feel the exact same way.. What I had left after my separations.. I keep for myself.. and what I'm working for now.. is for my own little pleasures and my kids and grand-kids..

 

No man on this planet will get one penny from me..

 

We get wise as we get older.. right?

 

More independent and self-protective, that's for sure. I find I have much less "need" for a partner. In my misspent youth, I would have dated a hamburger. Now, I'm less needy.

[2sunny]

It's definitely all about WANTING a partner v. NEEDING one. Nobody truly needs one. It's getting to that realization that's difficult for many.

 

for most - it's more the fear of being alone, so they decide to marry for the wrong reasons.

[Lizzie60]

for most - it's more the fear of being alone, so they decide to marry for the wrong reasons.

 

or they stay marry to a jerk.. they can't even think by themselves anymore.. they become total doormats.

[Mr. Lucky]

We often talk about their life at home.. their kids.. etc.

I wonder if their wives would be more offended by the sex or the fact that they are discussing their marriages with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trimmer]

Based on the logic used by Dr. Trimmer Freud, we all are either monogamous or promiscuous as a result of our father's behavior.

You wildly misread my comments if you thought I was saying that "we all are either..." this or that. I was commenting to one person on that particular situation. If you want to generalize from that to everyone, it's you saying it, not me.

 

Given what I posted, I suppose I deserve your moniker, and the derision it implies. I accept that. I already regret reposting the link to the earlier thread and my subsequent comment in this thread. After it was too late to edit it and remove the comments, I seriously considered reporting myself, and asking to have my own posts deleted. Too lazy, I guess. Mea culpa.

 

What was happening back two years ago was that I was actually trying to understand where this person's very different perspective may have come from, and I was asking with an open heart and an open mind about her past, but she didn't want to go there - at least, not to discuss the stuff I was asking about. 'Nuff said; I should have left it alone, and I was wrong to bring it up again now.

 

I'm sure this will stir up your derision again, but I will say that it doesn't make me any more of a kitchen therapist than anyone else on here that I wonder how and whether traumas during people's developmental years turn out to influence their personalities, outlooks, and sense of how they fit in to society as adults. We all do that every time we ask people in painful situations about the history of their relationships and anything they want to share about their lives. Bringing up parenting is especially sensitive, and it's easy to throw stones at, because of its strong association with Freud (note your insult...) but it's a part of what makes us who we are. Not ALL, but certainly a part, more influential in some than in others. The OP doesn't want to share that - too bad because she's clearly a fascinating person - but that's absolutely her prerogative; she doesn't need my permission or approval, so I'll shut up about all that, and I apologize to her for bringing it up.

 

I suppose that since my father has been married to my mother for fifty years, then I will stay married for fifty years. And since my wife's parents have been married for fifty years, then we have it made. No work is necessary.

As insulting as that sounds to my intelligence, and as much as you may believe that I deserve that insult, do you really believe that's what I was saying?

 

Now, far be it for me to swing back onto topic, but here we go:

Personally, I don't think men work that way -- constant comparisons of that woman on the street to their wives, girlfriends. I think men look at an attractive woman and think, "Wow, she's a knockout/gorgeous/etc." And let it end there.

 

Bingo! Very, very true. Most guys don't go through the laborious comparison process. If we see a woman on the street who looks hot, we enjoy the moment and then get back to whatever it is we're doing. It's more often aesthetic than carnal.

 

We don't constantly compare. Why bother?

 

from my experience - i think women tend to size each other up with a more critical eye than men do.

I think these comments all fit together well, and weave a consistent thread that describes men's typical outlook. "Oh look, a hot woman..." and then once she's gone, she's gone. No comparisons, just a hot woman in that moment.

 

On the other hand, a woman's tendency to compare herself and size up the competition tends to lead her to project that onto her man - if I'm comparing myself to her, then he must be doing that, too. Where, in reality, once the target's gone, she's out of the man's mind - not a lot of post-processing going on there.

[Lizzie60]

Yes I do agree that childhood traumas DO affect our lives.. BUT.. in my case I don't see it that way.

 

I've been doing what I'm doing now.. only since I'm 49-50 years old.. about 6 years ago.

 

I would very much understand what you're saying... if I was 14-15 or even 20 with my lifestyle (most do it for drugs anyway)... then I would say mmmaayyybeee I have very bad issues .. you see.. I don't smoke.. don't drink.. and don't do drugs..

 

BUT

 

I had a very normal, comfortable... even boring life up till then.. 2 long relationships.. children... work... house... car... dog.. you know the 'normal' suburb life..

 

so.. in other words.. no childhood issues ... really... just a new lifestyle that works for me..

 

Hope this will answer your questions.

[JamesM]

 

Given what I posted, I suppose I deserve your moniker, and the derision it implies. I accept that. I already regret reposting the link to the earlier thread and my subsequent comment in this thread.

 

I am sorry. It was not meant in derision. I actually understand what you were saying and you are not the first to have said a similar statement regarding why we behave as we do. My personal feelings based on reading many books of psychology is different. While I DO think our past influences us to a degree, I don't think we can simply "judge" ones behavior and say it is a result of (fill in the blank).

 

I did throw in some sarcasm but not derision. We have met on many threads in a number of forums, and I have always found your posts well thought out (including the one you linked) even when I have profoundly disagreed with them.

 

What was happening back two years ago was that I was actually trying to understand where this person's very different perspective may have come from,

 

And there very well may be a connection. You could have easily pointed out to me that my upbringing DID have a big impact on the future of my marriage.

 

I'm sure this will stir up your derision again, but I will say that it doesn't make me any more of a kitchen therapist than anyone else on here that I wonder how and whether traumas during people's developmental years turn out to influence their personalities, outlooks, and sense of how they fit in to society as adults.

 

No derision from me. I agree with you. There are so many times that I see why someone is who they are here on LS from reading what their upbringing was.

 

And agreed....we all play armchair therapist. Funny thing is...those who are viewed as the better therapists are simply the ones who can put their thoughts on "paper" better.

 

I just don't like making blanket statements about anyone as if he or she can be put into a category or expect certain results based on things out of his or her control.

 

As insulting as that sounds to my intelligence, and as much as you may believe that I deserve that insult, do you really believe that's what I was saying?

 

No. I was drawing a conclusion based on your logic used. BUT...I know that even when are upbringing does influence who we are, there are many factors along the way that make us different than would be expected from such an upbringing. That in itself would make an interesting thread.

 

On the other hand, a woman's tendency to compare herself and size up the competition tends to lead her to project that onto her man - if I'm comparing myself to her, then he must be doing that, too. Where, in reality, once the target's gone, she's out of the man's mind - not a lot of post-processing going on there.

 

I think this is the key to how a man's mind works. He simply lusts or appreciates beautiful women. His thoughts are NOT "Why am I married to such an ugly broad when there are so many better looking women?" or "Whew! As beautiful as she is...I am glad I am married to my more beautiful woman!"

 

It is not about his wife. It is simply about the woman being noticed. And unfortunately, he does not think of how HE would feel if another man looked at his wife or girlfriend that way.

[Lizzie60]

But how old was your first LTR? Wasn't he, like, someone who COULD have been a father to you? And weren't you 15 years old? Someone could easily say, in that situation, that you were looking for a father figure.

 

Not tryin' to open a can o' worms. Just sayin'.

 

My first ex moved with me when I was 25. He was 11 years older. and yes I was the OW at 15... but then, in those years, lol.. my mother who was about 18 years older than I.. married when she was 16..

 

We cannot compare today's life with life 40-50 yrs ago..

 

I was babysitting babies at 9 years old.. who would do that today?

 

I don't think I was looking for a father figure.. unless you say that of ALL woman who love older men.. I don't think it's the case.

[marlena]

What's wrong with simply admiring a person from an aesthetic point of view without that necessarily meaning that one is making comparative evaluations? I see young girls in all their glowing youth and admire them. Does that mean I automatically compare them to my daughter? Heck, no. I also run into handsome men and admire them too. Does that mean my partner falls so short or that I love them less? Of course not. I see beautiful, mature women too. Do I instantly compare them to myself or thing any less of myself if they happen to be more appealing than I? No, I don't think so.

 

As for wanting to have casual relationships ant not a serious involvement, where's the mistake with that? Why must someone be considered flawed because he/she isn't looking for a long-term commitment?

 

Honestly, I don't understand the above thinking.

[Lizzie60]

No, but a 30 year old woman with a 45 year old man is way different than a young gal of 15 with a man 15 years her senior, for example.

 

 

Yes but my point.. is .. this was over 40 years ago.. life was different back then.... nuff said.. if you can't understand my point.. then it's useless for me to try to explain furthermore.

[Lizzie60]

 

What are your trade secrets?

 

 

I use my mouth for other things than to nag and whine..

[fral945]

I use my mouth for other things than to nag and whine..

 

If only more women had that attitude.........

[Lizzie60]

If only more women had that attitude.........

 

 

I know.. I know.. but it's easy for me to say though.. cause I see a different man almost everyday... no time to get bored..

 

With my first ex..I was using my mouth more to argue about sex..

[grogster]

I use my mouth for other things than to nag and whine..

 

That's a productive use, Lizzie. Also, you're not hooked-up with any of these fellows so you don't have to "nag and whine."

 

Yet another argument in favor of being single.

[Trimmer]

I am sorry. It was not meant in derision. I actually understand what you were saying and you are not the first to have said a similar statement regarding why we behave as we do. My personal feelings based on reading many books of psychology is different. While I DO think our past influences us to a degree, I don't think we can simply "judge" ones behavior and say it is a result of (fill in the blank).

I agree, it's not the only thing, and it's not a predetermined, all black and white thing. Some move on and rise above, some stay mired.

 

I did throw in some sarcasm but not derision. We have met on many threads in a number of forums, and I have always found your posts well thought out (including the one you linked) even when I have profoundly disagreed with them.

Hmmm - I don't recall anyone ever having disagreed with me about anything....

 

I don't know why I was in such a stink. I respect you and it probably stung a little extra because of that. I'm over it...

 

Yes I do agree that childhood traumas DO affect our lives.. BUT.. in my case I don't see it that way.

 

I've been doing what I'm doing now.. only since I'm 49-50 years old.. about 6 years ago.

 

I would very much understand what you're saying... if I was 14-15 or even 20 with my lifestyle (most do it for drugs anyway)... then I would say mmmaayyybeee I have very bad issues .. you see.. I don't smoke.. don't drink.. and don't do drugs..

 

BUT

 

I had a very normal, comfortable... even boring life up till then.. 2 long relationships.. children... work... house... car... dog.. you know the 'normal' suburb life..

 

so.. in other words.. no childhood issues ... really... just a new lifestyle that works for me..

 

Hope this will answer your questions.

Thanks, L.

 

I use my mouth for other things than to nag and whine..

Reminds me of the lyric by The Pretenders from "Tattooed Love Boys" where Chrissie Hynde spits out, "I shot my mouth off and you showed me what that hole was for"

[Lizzie60]

If a woman feels the need to "nag and whine," she's with the wrong guy. Either that, or she's just a bee-yotch! Lucky me! AND my lucky guy.

 

not necessarily.. some women think they have a license to nag once they have the marriage paper in their hands..