fcleitao Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 I really need help. I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and she suddenly broke up with me. I'm 27 and my girlfriend's 22. She just graduated from University and found a temporary job, and I just got back to school after working for years. And half the reason I went back to school is because of her. I've been to 3 relationships, and she've been to 6. I'm a bit towards being introverted right now, and she is a total extroverted. I'm the kinda person who treasures love more than other things, and she's kinda opposite. But we loved each other so much, she actually changed a lot. She was to go back to asia to his family after graduation, but she actually stayed for me. She is the kind of person who see's her friends more than his boyfriends before, and she actually see's me almost everyday until recently. We treasured each other dearly, and we would talk over all problems and promised not to not talk to each other more than one day when things get hot. Plus, we never went into really big fights. I love her so much, and it just feels better to be in heaven when I'm with her. I've been the best to her, and she tells me she never met someone who treasures and loves her as much as I do. I don't understand how can this mutually perfect love can go ashes so easily. I started to see small changes in her life, I asked her if there is any problem, and she said nothing was wrong. But I know now that it was something wrong. It was one day after she went out 4 days consecutively, and I expressed my feelings and was a bit unhappy with her. The next day, she came and I wanted to discuss the problem and she told me her love for me is gone. She told me she started to love me less recently, but she couldn't explain why and didn't talk to me about it. The only explanation she gave was that she got bored. She says she is a person who gets bored easy. Almost all her past relationships ended the same way, she grew tired of it. But before she enjoyed being together even if we do nothing. She said and I believed that she totally changed cause of me, but how on earth things go 180 degrees so unexpectedly? She even mentioned she wants to plan going back to Asian soon. I tried so hard to change her mind, but she is just determined. She believes she could never love me the way she could, and she gave up trying to save the relationship. She definitely have not been seeing someone else, she said she don't want to be in a relationship right now. She wants to do her things, but I never stopped from doing anything. What can I do to revive our relationship? I really don't want to give up our relationship, and I really do love her to the end of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 1, 2003 Author Share Posted October 1, 2003 Anyone who's readint my story.... please give me some guidance. I'm very desperate, and I really love my girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Babee Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 Hey! Things sound really rough on your end..... my advice, move on!! You seem like an amazing guy, and you deserve someone who doesn't get "bored easily" in the relationship. Not sure if you're going to take my advice, but its there for you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Unfortunately, two people are required to make a relationship work. If one refuses to try, nothing you can do will make that person want to. It's a very hard truth to have to deal with, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 2, 2003 Author Share Posted October 2, 2003 My heart is totally broken... We peacefully finalized the relationship, but it's soo painful... I couldn't stop crying last nite when we last saw each other. I still can't stop thinking about her for a second, and all the past memories flashes back just like it happened a minute ago. I can cry so easy right now... even writing this message right now would make me tear... I can't cut the connection with her, we still text message and icq each other. It's extremely painful to end this relationship, but it's even more painful to cut the connection with her. I feel I might faint from heart pain, if I have to stop conencting with her. What can I do......... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Hi, mainlander Getting over losses require that we go through the pain. Stinks, but that's how the process works. The best you can do is to find ways to give yourself breaks from it from time to time. Indulge in foods you like or watch TV you like or play sports or do volunteer work or your hobby - anything that can inject a bit of pleasure into your life or that can distract you. You'll end up feeling pain again after the distraction, but at least you'll have had a bit of a break until you're finished the mourning process. Link to post Share on other sites
devinmusicman Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 I saw your last message, and though I should give my two cents. Trust me, I KNOW how counterintuative it seems to cut off all contact with the one you love. Hey, you miss them, therefore you want to talk to them, makes enough logical sense. But man, take my word for it...by continuning contact with her, you are prolonging the healing process 10 fold. It took me about 2 months to really realize this fact. I made the painful decision to stop talking to the one I still held so dear. And in about a month's time, I found that I healing at a much much greater rate. In fact, I found that I essentially was not healing at all by talkign to her because I was clinging to hope, and in the process belittling myself. I sincerely hope that if you break contact with her (which I strongly suggest), it lasts for a LONG time. Trust me on this one again. As I had mentioned, I cut contact with my ex for about a month's time and was doing considerably better. However, we are both university students and upon our return to school, I found myself in unavoidable situations of being around her, and I essentially had a minor breakdown. I ended up taking about 50 paces backwards and now have to forge my way ahead again by dealing with "her ghost". The moral: DO NOT reestablish contact with her until you feel you are good and ready. If you are in a situation where you MUST see her daily (Such as school and/or work), then i admit it will be extremely hard. But I guess I'm getting through it somehow, so you can too. Hang in there man. It DOES get better, but you have to help yourself make it better. And in my own experience, it only gets better once you can start to build a new life SEPERATE from hers. Peace, Devin Link to post Share on other sites
kclay21 Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Devin, That is so true. The days that I don't talk to my ex or hear from her, the pain is not that bad. I start to not feel sorry for myself, I begin to eat, and I am generally happy. As soon as I contact her, to know she is not ready to come back home, my day and the subsequent one goes to crap. I get sad... Don't get me wrong, I am still trying to NOT contact her, but each day it is getting easier. fcleitao...you WILL get through this. I have been where you are. I, too, felt like there was no tomorrow! I am still where you are, but after a whole month, each day that I make it through makes me that much stronger to persevere. Each day makes me respect myself that I am dependent of this woman's presence. I'm still in the process of healing, but I feel I am making headway. Chin up, bro... kclay Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 4, 2003 Author Share Posted October 4, 2003 I'm really confused. It's been two days and we haven't seen each other besides that we SMS message and icq. She cares about me and my feelings, and she worries about me so much, because I wasn't able to eat or sleep. This morning, I received a message from her saying that she wasn't able to sleep too, because she missed me a lot. This morning, I wrote her a two page letter trying to talk her into being together again. I got her message tonight saying that is was the most beautifully written letter and it meant so much to her. I try to lie to myself that nothing would change, but my heart just endlessly desire for her to come back to me. What can I do? What should I do? I really need your help..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 4, 2003 Author Share Posted October 4, 2003 Hard as rock!! Her heart is hard as rock!! I was stupid enough to try and ask her to come back again. Should've known the answer, but I guess I don't wanna give up her and the pain as well. I know that when a girl changes heart, you can almost never change it back. But I'm so determined to try the 1% or even less than that, but that determination made my heart hit the rock again and again. How much hit can a heart endure, I wonder..... Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 Hi fcleitao This must be exceptionally painful for you, i know what you are going through, i really do - and from both sides of the fence. a decade ago when i was 22, i was much like your girlfriend, i had intense powerful relationships that i would back away from after a period of time - i thought i was conquering the lack of comittment i was feeling over time and over relationships - but i HAD to move on from the boyfriend i had at the time, he had taught me all i needed to know and once it was done, it was done. The boyfriend i had at 22, really was special at the time. by the time we split, so much had happened that for that time, it really was over on my part. he reacted so badly and he was desperate, i broke his heart, he turned up at my work, shouting insults across the street at me and even broke into my mums house. Had he and i been rational in the circumstances, i dont know what would have happened. i still feel guilt wheni think of him now, i needed him to move on and respect my wishes, but he clung on and it eventually destroyed anything we could have had together. i have to stress to you, that it sounds like she has made her decision, and you absolutely have to respect that. i know, like most of us here you want to hear that there is a magical phrase to action that can stop this happening, but that magical phrase is the last thing you want to hear - take this and learn from it. you take extra knowledge with you when you move forward from this. take care & let us know how you get on - you can do this. Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 i was also a 22 year old girl almost 20 years ago and broke off with my long time bf. i was also coming from the same direction as the last post. i agree you should back off as it is a hopeless situation to change. once i made up my mind there was no turning back. hope this helps you see the women's point of view. p.s. if is ran into him now i do not know how i would react. i would love to hug him and tell him what a great experience he gave me and how it really affected my life. i would not tell him how there were many moments that i had looked back with regret on breaking up with him over the years. what purpose what that serve? timing is everything and your time will come with the right one and you'll be so much wiser! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 4, 2003 Author Share Posted October 4, 2003 I don't fully understand why she doens't take some minimal effort to continue this wonderful relationship. I don't understand. Are young girls in their early 20's really not stable? She loved me so dearly also, she couldn't have been just fooling around with me.... I want to understand it from a woman's perspective. I loved her so dearly, I wasn't even destructive. I'm the best boyfriend she ever had, how could she just break up with me when the love starts to get stable? I really treated her like a princess. Even after the break up I didn't want her to feel so regreted, I actually said I wanted to be is really really close friend, like a big brother to her. I maybe have stupidly thought that that leave me some chance in the future, but honestly, I really wanna become one of her really close friend which can talk about anything and help each other in bad times. The question is, whay would a girl think or feel for for me becoming her close friend? And is there any chance for me to be with her again in the future, lets say if she's still in around a year ago? Or if she goes back to Asia, do I still still stand a chance after 2 or 3 years? Am I not reasoning here? But I really love her, from the bottom of my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 just leave her alone. cut off all contact, right now! if anything will make her come back to you, it's missing you and seeing that you're strong. crying in front of her and writing long letters doesn't constitute strong. don't you see what ego-trips you're giving her by this whole soap-opera?? if nothing can make her come back to you, cutting all contact is also good because it'll help you heal sooner. best of luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
BodaciousBunny Posted October 4, 2003 Share Posted October 4, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme Unfortunately, two people are required to make a relationship work. If one refuses to try, nothing you can do will make that person want to. It's a very hard truth to have to deal with, unfortunately. Ahh so true... I my guy said the exact same thing to me. I wonder what makes someone stop loving a person, a person who never hurt them and gave them everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 5, 2003 Author Share Posted October 5, 2003 Originally posted by BodaciousBunny Ahh so true... I my guy said the exact same thing to me. I wonder what makes someone stop loving a person, a person who never hurt them and gave them everything. I really don't understand how could that be. Does one has to hurt the one you love for your loved one not to stop loving you? Don't give your loved one anything, and your loved one will stay? To love someone, isnt to love her with all your heart and soul? I don't think hurting my "girlfriend" and don't give her anything anymore will help me..... or it does help in other sense I dont know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 5, 2003 Author Share Posted October 5, 2003 Originally posted by yes just leave her alone. cut off all contact, right now! if anything will make her come back to you, it's missing you and seeing that you're strong. crying in front of her and writing long letters doesn't constitute strong. don't you see what ego-trips you're giving her by this whole soap-opera?? if nothing can make her come back to you, cutting all contact is also good because it'll help you heal sooner. best of luck, -yes Can anyone explain what/how I've done that gave her ego-trips? What can I do to save the ego-trip problem? I don't understand how being strong will change her mind, can anyone explain the concept to me? Any little thing that gives me chance for change I will do..... I want to know the way to cut contact and try to make my "girlfriend" come back..... please help..... Link to post Share on other sites
kclay21 Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 You are missing the whole point of the "leave her alone" concept. There is no magical remedy out there to bring her back to you. You can do a million things to woo her back in your life, but you have to realize that it all lies in her hands to be where she wants to be, and who to be with. The "leave her alone" concept prepares you to healing and to understand yourself and the things that went wrong in the relationship. It will also give her time to think about this whole thing and not be pressured into making the wrong decision about her life. Be assured...something will come from this breakup. Be it a wonderful knowledge for subsequent relationships, or you guys will get back together (with knowledge still...). Life is brutal...but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Let her be, man...let her be. kclay Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 5, 2003 Author Share Posted October 5, 2003 Thanks kclay21. I think I'm getting a bit of what you're saying... But what should I do when she calls or messages me? If I were to igonre her completely, how long should I ignore her? I don't want to ignore her and make her feel I'm mad or angry at her. Link to post Share on other sites
kclay21 Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 Talk to her if she calls. Just show your interest in how she is doing. Try to just keep things general. Just follow her lead. If she mentions the relationship, let her guide. Just listen. If she doesn't, then you shouldn't. Let her show that she is ready to come to you to talk about things. It shows her a lot about you. She feels you respect her by giving her what she needs, and that you are not being selfish about wanting her back in her condition. I know it hurts man. You will make it through. Just exhibit some patience, and really really work hard to change those things within you that may have cause the relationship to go sour. She may be back, and she may not. Time will reveal. kclay Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 5, 2003 Author Share Posted October 5, 2003 At the time she broke up with me, she was so determined that nothing would change her mind. And it did happen in all her previous relationships. She broke up with all her ex's for, probably because she lost the feeling. Expect the last ex when the guy broke up first, came back begging, got together, and she broke up because she doesn't have the feeling again. When a girl is so hard-hearted to broke up with her boyfriend, is she really that hard-hearted? I mean we were all good before she broke up with me. There's no way to tell how long before she might even consider reunion, right? She goes out almost everyday; if I don't call her or anything, what happens if a new guy step in the way? I can't do anything neither, right? Link to post Share on other sites
kclay21 Posted October 5, 2003 Share Posted October 5, 2003 Listen to yourself...you have all the answers. This is totally out of your control. You are just torturing yourself thinking about if she is coming back, or if she wants someone else. You are traversing into a world of the unknown, and it is killing you. Be patient...time reveals all. kc Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 6, 2003 Author Share Posted October 6, 2003 I thought I was doing better today, I thought I did...... It's impossible for me not to know how she's doing. I can't be as hard-hearted as she is. I just visited her photo album site, and found pictures of her going out with her friends for the few days. She was smilling so brightly, and she is happy. Just when I found out the ring I gave her from her finger is missing from the pictures, I'm totally crushed again. I know thats gonna happen, but I just can't take it. I can't breath. My heart is feeling more than pain. It hurts so much. Every minute of my life seems years. I still can't eat or sleep, and I think I'm losing my mind. Maybe by sharing out my feelings here would make me feel better, but this time I'm really really down. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fcleitao Posted October 6, 2003 Author Share Posted October 6, 2003 My heart is hurting SOOOO much... I can't breath... SOO painful, I can't take it no more... I so wanted to call her right now, I want to call her... but I might make her see me being weak again. I can't accept the reality that she has totally forgotten our love, I can't accept she put away our ring. My heart can't stand the pain anymore!!!!! PAIN!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Amerikajin Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Can't argue with the advice you've received so far. It's best to move on. You should at least withdraw and stop trying to communicate with her - there's the off chance that she might start missing you and want to come back. You have to be VERY careful here not to misinterpret signs here. She's being nice to you now because she doesn't want to hurt you more than you've already been hurt. That's because she doesn't want to feel guilty when she sees that you're in pain. She's being nice to you so that she can clear her conscience, not necessarily because she wants to continue a relationship with you. Look at this for what it is: she's 22 years old and still trying to make sense of the world around here. You're 27, so you're at a point when you're more likely to take relationships seriously. At 22, dating can still be a hobby for some people. Sorry you had to learn the hard way. Next time, find someone who's been out in the real world and had a taste for life as an adult. In the meantime, let this fish back into the sea. P.S. Ni shi cong Zhongguo laide ma? Link to post Share on other sites
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