Seperating and Shocked

[whichwayisup]

The lap dance is nothing

 

Obviously the lap dance wasn't "nothing". It was something that made his wife snap, enough for her to decide she's had enough.

 

Why did he have the lap dance? Couldn't he have said no? That it would be inappropriate since he is married?

 

Yeah.. he went to a bachelor party and got a lapdance from a clothed woman who didn't touch him....

 

How do you know she was clothed and didn't touch him? How do we know he didn't have an orgasm during the lap dance? Unless I missed the post that described what happened, you're assuming alot.

 

Anyway, I hope for the sake of your stepdaughter and your young son, the two of you DO go to marriage counselling, if not to fix your marriage, then to learn how to co-parent together since you'll still be in eachothers lives for many years ahead..

[LakesideDream]

Stipclubs.. and porn on the computer. Both VERY bad things to do if you want to remain happily married, or even just married period.

 

This is the 21st Century. Your soon to be ex can do whatever she wants to do. Your wants needs, and desires are not important in todays society. That's a fact. From this point on you are just carry on baggage. She will dictate all the terms and results. Input from you is not necessary anymore.

 

I do suggest that you find out who the other man is (there always is one) so that you will have that knowledge to build on as you try to put together the shattered remains of your life. Salvage what you can, unilateral destruction is just a lawyer away. Pray she doesen't have a scorched earth personality.

[Alan430]

Totally agree with Lakeside.

However the OP said it was a one time occurance.

 

Honestly all she is doing is trying to relieve the GUILT by finding everything possibly wrong with you to somehow justify leaving in her mind. I think this is a very common way for Walkaway wives to cope with guilt. What ever you do DONT BELIEVE IT MAN!

[peteyj]

Here's the deal... he doesn't get to decide for her if a lapdance is a deal breaker or not. She gets to decide that just as she also gets to decide if she wishes to spend the rest of her life with a guy who's on a totally different page from her on an issue this important.

 

 

If a guy thinks lap dances are just fine and the woman he's involved with thinks it's infidelity... that's a glaringly huge difference in values... too glaring for a marriage to survive imho. Such couples are better off parting ways sooner rather than later.

How do you know? Obviously you've never actually been to a strip club. In many cities these days they wear clothes and can't even get that close to people anymore. Yeah there are seedy ones but I bet they went to a gentlemans club if it were for a bachelor party.

 

The reality is if this were a real problem, she should have said something. She should have told him she didn't' feel comfortable with him going to a strip club. I don't know what was said and what wasn't said during their conversations. But since they are married, these are things they both should have talked about beforehand.

 

I have a friend whose wife would get pissed if he ever went to a strip club. I have another friend whose wife doesn't care as long as he doesn't get a lap dance. These things are what MARRIED COUPLES would talk about.

 

And the fact the guy was going to a bachelor party this SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED.

 

Whether it was or not we don't know and what they talked about, who knows. If it were a no-no and he went anyway, then the doghouse he'd be in. If he did this all the time, then I can see why she left. But if she didn't care he was going to a bachelor party, which most of the time means strip clubs or strippers, the reality is she's probably using this as an excuse for her own indiscretions.

[soserious1]

How do you know? Obviously you've never actually been to a strip club. In many cities these days they wear clothes and can't even get that close to people anymore. Yeah there are seedy ones but I bet they went to a gentlemans club if it were for a bachelor party.

 

The reality is if this were a real problem, she should have said something. She should have told him she didn't' feel comfortable with him going to a strip club. I don't know what was said and what wasn't said during their conversations. But since they are married, these are things they both should have talked about beforehand.

 

I have a friend whose wife would get pissed if he ever went to a strip club. I have another friend whose wife doesn't care as long as he doesn't get a lap dance. These things are what MARRIED COUPLES would talk about.

 

And the fact the guy was going to a bachelor party this SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED.

 

Whether it was or not we don't know and what they talked about, who knows. If it were a no-no and he went anyway, then the doghouse he'd be in. If he did this all the time, then I can see why she left. But if she didn't care he was going to a bachelor party, which most of the time means strip clubs or strippers, the reality is she's probably using this as an excuse for her own indiscretions.

 

 

Believe it or not,there are guys who can attend a bachelor party,have a couple beers,enjoy the view and come home.. somehow managing to avoid having lapdances with strippers. I'm betting the OP's wife thought she was married to one of those guys and she trusted him, didn't feel the need to lecture him like she was his mother.

 

At any rate, he obviously thinks lap dances are just fine, she doesn't.. when you've got a divide that big... you've probably got 2 people who shouldn't have gotten married to begin with.

[stillshocked]

Thanks for the discussion. I have been away busy trying to repair things.

 

With regards to the strip club, here is the scenario:

 

At first I didn't even know the bachelor party was going to the strip club. She actually knew before me and told me "it is ok if you go, I understand it is a one time thing for a good friends party, but just be honest about what happens and I can deal with it".

 

So I go, come back and be completely honest about everything that happened. And when I seems suprised that she is upset, she says I don't take her feelings seriously.

 

So to me it seemed like a misunderstanding. I have only gone the once the whole time I have been with her, and don't frequent, or even enjoy going for that matter. I was willing to 100% no questions asked never ever set foot in a strip club again for the rest of my life.

 

So since that time things haven't been good, she has been unable to forgive me. I passed on all bachelor parties since. I asked her several times to go to marriage counselling with me, to which she refused. The last time I asked she agreed very reluctantly and I didn't go ahead because I did not feel it would be beneficial as she was only trying to appease me.

 

We try to work through things, and up until a few weeks ago she tells me everything is getting better and she is working to get past this.

 

So then she tells me that I don't do enough for her, don't show her enough affection, hold her enough, etc. At that point I am hestitant to change, I mean, she married me, I have never been that affectionate and now I am not good enough?

 

Anyway, few weeks later she comes home from work and says "life is short and I am not happy anymore" I need time to think and may want to get seperated.

 

A week and half later she accusing me of dating someone, and then tells me she wants to live seperating. I tell her that is a step in teh wrong direction for me, that it doesn't feel right, etc.

 

So she is looking for her own place, and I am starting counselling on my own tomorrow.

[stillshocked]

So the point (soserious) is that I didn't realize that their was this large of a difference in our thinking. Had I know this, I would not have even gone had I thought it would be the end of my marriage.

 

I didn't do any with any intent to hurt her, and because I was suprised that she was so upset, she thought I wasn't taking her feelings into account.

 

Anyway, she has thrwarted any change of reconciling. I have totally given up on trying as she is inpenetrible.

[SRV]

If you actually dig deeper there is an actual reason that she is behaving this way or using the strip club episode as an excuse to want out. You just have to dig deeper, by any chance is she seeing someone else? An ex-bf or the dad to the first child back in the picture? Check cell phone records, emails, you will find your answer. Good luck!

[stillshocked]

Totally agree with Lakeside.

However the OP said it was a one time occurance.

 

Honestly all she is doing is trying to relieve the GUILT by finding everything possibly wrong with you to somehow justify leaving in her mind. I think this is a very common way for Walkaway wives to cope with guilt. What ever you do DONT BELIEVE IT MAN!

 

Still no sign of OM. Don't know if I believe that yet?

 

It is funny you mention the guilt. You may be on to something there. I told her that if she wanted to leave the relationship that I wanted the house, and the kids at least 50% of the time. She agreed without flinching.

 

I have asked her whether she considers this a 'temporary' or final seperation. Waiting for her to reply on that one...

[Alan430]

Man, Whatcha got there is some guy(s) flirting with your wife and telling her how great,Sexy, and Hott she is blah blah blah. Welcome to my Dark hole, ill slide over and give you room to sit. She is in an emotional Affair, and it could be as simple as flirting. But it is giving her a super ego powertrip and you havent been making her feel like this at home. Once you guys seperate it will probably slid toward a physical affair with someone, but use it to help you get over her. Me and my SOTBX is about 2 months into this. I am still unsure if there a specific other person or not, but i dont care. What she seeks is other men's Attention. And as my wife said it to me, i will say it to you. If she stays in the marriage with you she probably cannot stay committed. Now my wife tried to back track but she said it, so she has thought about it. It is going to suck man, and there is nothing you can do or say to make her change her mind. And as i said earlier let her point the finger at you and just agree. This is her Guilt Talking and take what you can out of her accusations. There will be some truth to it, but its not why she is leaving. I have been reading these posts for a while now and the theme is always the same. My case was i didnt show her enough affection, while there are guys on here tell their story and im like WTH, They were like prince charming to their wives and still the same exact thing happend. So I have come to the conclusion that 99% of women leave for that new and exciting thing. Wait till she starts in on the money, thats fun. Anyways dont be too hard on yourself and only listen to her accusations and improve them for yourself. Eventually she will get tired of guys flirting and hitting on her to try and score some ass, and then she will be calling you once again. She will remember who tried to share their life with her and not just a bed. I realized that even though i Still love my wife, that i could never be married to her again because i do not trust her anymore, So i am now pushing the divorce. GL man Stand Strong, start working out and take notice how many women are looking for a good man.

[stillshocked]

Thanks Alan430.

 

I am realizing the same thing. The more I think about it now even if she wanted me back, I am not sure I would take her.

 

All things I didn't like about her are now really noticeable and bothersome to me, because I no longer have the desire to ignore them and make the best of things as there is basically no marriage left.

 

Another guy? Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't really matter.

 

My focus right now is on the kids, and get the money situation wrapped up as quickly as possible before the dynamics change in our relationship.

 

Mixed in with all the other emotions I actually have some relief and excitement, that I will finally have time to worry about myself again, now that I don't have to worry about trying to make her happy all the time.

[mark982]

accusing you of dating someone? well she could be saying this, so when you find out she is,she can use that excuse.

[suzanne2009]

I can relate to what you mean about being releived and excited bundeled in with a lot of other emotions. I have been separated from my husband now for three weeks and I just moved into my own apartment this past weekend. The first night that I came home to an empty house (besides my two cats) it was exhilirating, scary, exciting, sad and lonely all at the same time. It is really a rather odd combination of emotions. Enjoy it and stay strong.

[stillshocked]

So, I have my fist session tonight and I am already started to feel the emotions brewing when I think about what I want to get out of it.

 

I know I am going to sound like a broken record, but I am still pretty sure there is nobody else.

 

I think the biggest reason for the separation was that my wife was incredibly insecure. She told me that ever since the lap dance episode that she constantly feels rejected by me. That the lack of affection that was OK in the beginning of our relationship was no longer enough once she had these insecurities.

 

I really want to figure out what happened here. Maybe I should have done more to console her, to accept her insecurity and cater to it, I don't know.

 

I do have some guilt that maybe I should have been more in-tune and responsive to things. I need to deal with this.

 

I also still have a lot anger towards her though. I mean, I threw the line out there about going to cousnelling to help us get 'through' these issues. If you wanted it to work would you not have jumped at that chance?

 

Not really sure who is responsible for dealing with very insecure people? Is it the spouse who should cater to it or should the insecure person be the one dealing with it?

 

Anyway, I have given up on reconciliation, but still want to relieve my confusion and understand what happened, so I can deal with any personal guilt or anger towards her and get on with my life.

[TrustInYourself]

You did too much. If she can't accept it, it's her problem, not yours.

 

You accept many things about your wife, even though others would tell you she's being irrational or insecure.

 

The question of what else you could do, has nothing to do with you and more with what else she could have done.

 

You're not innocent in this matter, but you can't blame yourself for her wanting out. The sooner you come to realize that, the sooner you can deal with your grief.

 

Give it time. Work on yourself. Do not enable her behavior. You are doing so, by accepting and trying to fix the issue with her insecurity. You need to back off.

[Owl]

I agree with a lot of the other posters...

 

She's angry about the lapdance (and rightfully so)...things appear to be getting better between the two of you, then suddenly, out of the blue, she's wanting a seperation???

 

She's cheating.

 

I'd bet you quite a bit.

 

I hear that you don't want to "resort" to snooping...but...do you want to save your marriage?

 

If she IS cheating, snooping is the only way you're going to find out. And unless you take action to end the affair...you can kiss your marriage goodbye.

 

If she's NOT...then you're not going to find anything, and it won't hurt anyone.

 

What have you got to lose? What do you stand to gain?

 

That's where you should be at right now.

 

Until you sort through this, MC tonite will be a sheer waste of time and money...as will any other action you take to work through this.

[Gowithflow]

She's a drama queen. Probably way too uptight to have an affair, (i usually suspect the opposite). Counseling should be very interesting. I suspect she will make it all about "him bad, me good". Keep us posted.

[Alan430]

I suspect she will make it all about "him bad, me good". Keep us posted.

 

Dont all WW do that? Seem to be the popular thing on these forums, leave and tear us a new one and while your at it make us feel like it totally our faults!

 

Yah Keep us posted. I still think its fruitless when it comes to WW. The only one that can show them the light is themselves.

[Alan430]

Thanks Alan430.

 

All things I didn't like about her are now really noticeable and bothersome to me, because I no longer have the desire to ignore them and make the best of things as there is basically no marriage left.

 

I used this technique myself. Everytime i starting hitting rock bottom about things, and my mind is flooded with all wonderful things about my wife i loved, I will force myself to think of the annoying and aweful things about her.

[pelicanpreacher]

Thanks for the discussion. I have been away busy trying to repair things.

 

With regards to the strip club, here is the scenario:

 

At first I didn't even know the bachelor party was going to the strip club. She actually knew before me and told me "it is ok if you go, I understand it is a one time thing for a good friends party, but just be honest about what happens and I can deal with it".

 

So I go, come back and be completely honest about everything that happened. And when I seems suprised that she is upset, she says I don't take her feelings seriously.

 

So to me it seemed like a misunderstanding. I have only gone the once the whole time I have been with her, and don't frequent, or even enjoy going for that matter. I was willing to 100% no questions asked never ever set foot in a strip club again for the rest of my life.

 

So since that time things haven't been good, she has been unable to forgive me. I passed on all bachelor parties since. I asked her several times to go to marriage counselling with me, to which she refused. The last time I asked she agreed very reluctantly and I didn't go ahead because I did not feel it would be beneficial as she was only trying to appease me.

 

We try to work through things, and up until a few weeks ago she tells me everything is getting better and she is working to get past this.

 

So then she tells me that I don't do enough for her, don't show her enough affection, hold her enough, etc. At that point I am hestitant to change, I mean, she married me, I have never been that affectionate and now I am not good enough?

 

Anyway, few weeks later she comes home from work and says "life is short and I am not happy anymore" I need time to think and may want to get seperated.

 

A week and half later she accusing me of dating someone, and then tells me she wants to live seperating. I tell her that is a step in teh wrong direction for me, that it doesn't feel right, etc.

 

So she is looking for her own place, and I am starting counselling on my own tomorrow.

 

Sounds like a Macheovelian plot to set you up for a fall because she knew of the bachelor party long before you did and what better way to mask her own secret infidelity then to entrap you in circumstances uncommon to your own proclivities. I smell a rat that's been banging your wife and he was at that bachelor party with you watching and waiting. Even if you only drank all night you'd still have been vulnerable to "Plan B", the lies of gossip and the gossip of lies, so you were done the moment you took the bait and went to the party!

[stillshocked]

Well,, counselling went OK (it was individual not marriage).

 

The counsellor convinced me to try to talk to her about delaying her getting her only place, that an 8 year relationship should be given some more consideration. I agreed so planned on talking to my wife tonight.

 

Well before i could, she got a call and was approved for a place.

 

I basically spilled everything, told her that we could have a great relationship if she gave it a chance, we could work on things together, etc.

 

All to no avail...she couldn't even answer if the separation would be temporary or permanent.

 

So time to get on with my life I guess.

[suzanne2009]

I think that you are right. She can't answer because she doesn't know. It all depends if things work out with OM. There has got to be someone else involved. I think that she would be more definitive if there was not. I also (wrongly) believed that my husband would NEVER....guess what? Yup...

[stillshocked]

Well, I begged her to tell me that there was another man...that would make it so much easier to understand why she is so unwilling to even consider any possibility of this working out.

[Alan430]

Well, I begged her to tell me that there was another man...that would make it so much easier to understand why she is so unwilling to even consider any possibility of this working out.

 

StillShocked in the same Boat. She wont admit to it or it really isnt "another man" but she has admited to enjoying the attention of other men flirting and hitting on her. She may have not stooped to that level of physically cheating yet, but its still cheating and you have To realize this. That harmless flirting or whatever has caused the rift in your marriage. And unfortunatly the only way you are going to get her approval is disguise yourself like another man and go flirt with her.

 

Regardsless if she hasnt because she feels too guilty, you better believe she wants to, and she will shortly.

[suzanne2009]

I got all the denials as well until I heard about it from someone that saw them together. When I confronted him with it, he said she is just a friend...I have known her for 10 years...blah blah blah...He still won't admit it to me, but he doesn't have to. In my heart I know and I am sure in your heart you do too.