Seperating and Shocked

[Alan430]

Unless you were cheating or abusive, and she walks away from her marriage, it is because of an affair. There is too much time money.comfortability and legality invested into marriage.

 

I know there is a Post up there saying it is not always OM/OW, but read her story. She has been through many many years of the same thing, and is still hanging in there. Though she may leave her husband she is no way classified as a walk-away wife. I have alot of respect for her. She actually gives me some faith, that i can one day regain my Trust for women.

 

But you my friend, are in the same boat as me. Check her phone bill if you have access and computer, you will be surprised what you find there. Start showing up at her work for lunch, and watch her face and her annoyed reaction. She wont want to someone to see you together. I did this though my wife Claims she isnt cheating. I told her i would met her at her work for lunch to get some legality issues straited out, and she freaked out, yet she was ok just to met at the bank.

 

Just dont play the fool

[stillshocked]

 

Just dont play the fool

 

I don't plan to. Still don't believe there is another man or that that is her intention, but I will admit that all the pieces do fit.

 

It would be the only way I can understand completely walking away when so many other options were made available.

 

The last thing I said to her last night was "this wasn't fair to me, I was completely shocked by this, and that isn't fair. I don't believe that you have done everything you can to save the marriage before or after you decision to seperate. I would have given you another chance."

 

I feel I have done everything I can now. It will be up to her to deal with herself and whether she can feel the same way or not.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone.

[SRV]

How has she been say for the past couple of months in regards to her demeanor? Has she been affectionate or distant and irritable? You answer will lie within a certain time frame. Based on this she might have checked out of the marriage a while ago you just did not realize it. She does not want to come off as the "bad" person.

 

She is using the b-party as an excuse to vaildate and relieve herself of the guilt of what she is doing. I can bet you 95% there is someone else waiting in the wings. Have you looked up the phone bills, emails etc for activity? The answer is right there, you just have to dig deeper. She will not admit it to you, some don't, even if they have the evidence staring them right in the face.

[stillshocked]

How has she been say for the past couple of months in regards to her demeanor? Has she been affectionate or distant and irritable?

 

Have you looked up the phone bills, emails etc for activity? The answer is right there, you just have to dig deeper. She will not admit it to you, some don't, even if they have the evidence staring them right in the face.

 

She has been affectionate, actually more so than normal. More interested in sex, etc.

 

yes, I have lookeda at what I can (email, phone, etc). If anything it would be email at work which I do not have access too.

[pelicanpreacher]

The tell that she has been seeing another man is her accusation from out "out of the blue" that you've been dating another woman is a typical cheater's tactic to deflect the actions of their own image in the mirror! No longer beg and plead for her to tell you the truth but instead, assert that you know for a fact that she is involved with someone else. Follow this with the ultimatum that if she leaves you for him she'd better hope to GOD it works out for her because she will now be considered your worst enemy and dead to you from here on out! Inform her that should that happen she'd better watch her back for you will find a way to exact such a brutal revenge upon the both of them they will be ensured a legacy of pain for a lifetime!!!

 

Though you really won't put actual thought behind those words, from a parting gift standpoint...

it is the thought that counts!

[stillshocked]

Follow this with the ultimatum that if she leaves you for him she'd better hope to GOD it works out for her because she will now be considered your worst enemy and dead to you from here on out! Inform her that should that happen she'd better watch her back for you will find a way to exact such a brutal revenge upon the both of them they will be ensured a legacy of pain for a lifetime!!!

 

Well, I will tell you one thing, I wouldn't want to be on your bad side!!!!

 

The thought has crossed my mind, but for the sake of my kids could never be done without indirectly hurting them in the process.

[pelicanpreacher]

Well, I will tell you one thing, I wouldn't want to be on your bad side!!!!

 

The thought has crossed my mind, but for the sake of my kids could never be done without indirectly hurting them in the process.

 

Again, though the threat be idle, she doesn't need to know that for it is the fear of dire and painful consequences that crack the criminal's code!

[TrustInYourself]

In response to your question, here's what I wrote in a separate thread.

 

Yeah, I got the same type of replies. What does she hope to accomplish with this separation? Losing you? Because it's happening.

 

Is she looking for someone else to replace you emotionally or physically? Because that's happening.

 

She's tired of being married. Yeah, she wants freedom, that's cool.

 

I think what I expressed while my wife was gone, was that I was happy when she was happy. Sure, find someone else, make a good life, I will be happy for you. I forced myself to see things from her perspective and to become part of her support. That was hard. I had to go outside myself.

 

Now what comes into play is does she respect and love you enough, to see the consequences?

 

Are you at a point emotionally and physically, to look past your own wants and needs and tell her to do what she wants to be happy. To treat your relationship loose and fun, the way it was when you were dating? No strings attached? That's not easy either. I did it though.

 

Everyone is different, so my advice comes with a grain of salt. My wife was looking at other men, but not with them. So who knows. What applied in my situation, may not apply in yours.

[stillshocked]

In response to your question, here's what I wrote in a separate thread.

 

I think what I expressed while my wife was gone, was that I was happy when she was happy. Sure, find someone else, make a good life, I will be happy for you. I forced myself to see things from her perspective and to become part of her support. That was hard. I had to go outside myself.

 

Now what comes into play is does she respect and love you enough, to see the consequences?

 

Are you at a point emotionally and physically, to look past your own wants and needs and tell her to do what she wants to be happy. To treat your relationship loose and fun, the way it was when you were dating? No strings attached? That's not easy either. I did it though.

 

 

Thanks for that. I am confused by what you mean if she loves and respects me enough to see the consequences?

 

And how, after all the difficulty and pain, where you able to do that without any resentment?

[theBrokenMuse]

Inform her that should that happen she'd better watch her back for you will find a way to exact such a brutal revenge upon the both of them they will be ensured a legacy of pain for a lifetime!!!

 

 

Bad, BAD idea. If she keeps track of 'threats' like this, it could easily work against him if they do end up in court. He'll look like an unstable and/or violent person and she'll come across as the victim.

[flash582]

You may want to try a completely different tactic ....

 

Don't argue with her any more ... she's in love with her negative feelings right now.

 

Anything you say will fuel her argument once again. ANYTHING you say will end up in an argument.

 

Just smile and agree, apologize ... ONCE and only once. .... and in a quiet voice tell her she's absolutely right and that you agree with her that you're not sure the relationship can be saved given the huge differences in your positions.

 

Don't whine, don't grovel, don't apologize again, be nice, but be firm.

 

Then tell her you'd be happy to help her find another place to live. Tell her to take some time and think it over.

 

Then walk away my friend. Walk away from the discussion. Take the kids to a movie, to the park, to dinner, whatever. Be be gone for 3 to 4 hours.

 

Then every day, focus on the kids, and what ever you do, don't discuss it again, no matter what she says. Don't get baited into an argument, don't discuss the past details, just tell her, simply and calmly, that you understand why she would feel that way, frown slightly, and walk calmly away to focus on something else to do with the kids.

 

If she moves out, then you weren't ever going to be able to save the relationship anyway, it was too far gone. At least you end it on a positive note with your self respect and, most importantly, some begrudging respect from her.

 

If she doesn't move out ... then you have to continue to NOT ARGUE. Don't DISCUSS the past ANYMORE, AT ALL, unless you are in the presence of a qualified Therapist. Just smile, agree that she's got a point, then change the subject.

 

Just focus on the kids. Let time be your friend.

[stillshocked]

 

If she moves out, then you weren't ever going to be able to save the relationship anyway, it was too far gone. At least you end it on a positive note with your self respect and, most importantly, some begrudging respect from her.

 

 

Maybe good advice, but not sure it is timely. She gets her new place on Monday. It is amazing, 10 days after she told me she wants to live separately, it is done...

[Alan430]

I know its hard to heed everyones advice cause you feel like your wifes different and you know and trust her. I know i had the same problem. Me and The SOTBX would sit around for many year and discuss people that were divorcing and tell each other no matter what we would always work it out. Hey guess what happends when they do not feel the love anymore? They are the first ones darting to the door.

Listen man, there is only one thing that you can do. MOVE THE HELL ON! You deserve better. Why do you want to be with a woman who doesnt want you. This is the only option that will bring your wife back to you. Unfortunatly you will have really move on ,and who knows, you may find something better. But that time im guessing will come eventually (maybe years) and then you need to decide if you want her back then.

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks for that. I am confused by what you mean if she loves and respects me enough to see the consequences?

 

And how, after all the difficulty and pain, where you able to do that without any resentment?

 

Play hardball if you have the emotional and moral high ground and feel confident that she is someone that loves and respects you enough to understand the consequences. If she loves and respects you, she will respect when you say get out I don't want or need you. I don't care about how I feel about you, I refuse to allow you to disrespect me by seeing someone else/being in a relationship with someone else, while married to me. Uncompromising. Unyielding. Unloving. Loving her is okay, but you have to love yourself more.

 

How did I do that? Because I love her. I want her happy and it wasn't with me. So what else can I do but be there and support her and give her what she wanted, which was space. I felt like no man could touch how much I loved my wife, so I let go of fear.

 

Besides if she decided to leave forever, I would be confident that I took actions to show that I was dedicated to loving her, not just being her husband. That was enough for me.

 

I worked on me. I worked on my life, other than my marriage. I just took a crisis and turned it around.

 

I think the fact that I lost 20lbs and looked pretty awesome helped quite a bit as well, lol.

 

I don't know, but I remember coming here and people telling me forget her, she's a tramp, whore, etc. Move on. Just learn from it and get over it.

 

They were right in some sense, but emotionally I kept loving her, even through the rough times. I worked on me and moved on, not for her, but for me as well.

 

You really have to keep a strong perspective on how this is just a moment in your great, big, wonderful life. Life is not over. It's just beginning. So with the separation, I was actually towards the end excited and happy because I knew I was more than just a husband or a father. I am a great person, individual with strengths and weaknesses, but I deserve to be happy. We are all like that. We are all wonderful in our own ways. Your spouse just forget those wonderful things, for whatever reason. It's up to you on how you want to approach that.

 

As far as her decision to reconcile with me, that came from me laying down the line, saying hey, I am done with this. I am ready for the next chapter of my life, with or without you. I will always love you and you will always be a part of my life (she's the mother of my daughter), but I am done with this separation. That took time. I had to deal with everything internally and externally. I had like 2 agendas going on in my mind during the entire process.

 

One agenda was getting my wife back and showing her I loved her.

 

The other agenda was proving to myself that I did not need her to be happy or to be loved.

 

Both were key to my reconciliation. It's complex I know. But I guess that's how I operate.

 

I hope that helps a bit. Good luck.

[TrustInYourself]

You may want to try a completely different tactic ....

 

Don't argue with her any more ... she's in love with her negative feelings right now.

 

Anything you say will fuel her argument once again. ANYTHING you say will end up in an argument.

 

Just smile and agree, apologize ... ONCE and only once. .... and in a quiet voice tell her she's absolutely right and that you agree with her that you're not sure the relationship can be saved given the huge differences in your positions.

 

Don't whine, don't grovel, don't apologize again, be nice, but be firm.

 

Then tell her you'd be happy to help her find another place to live. Tell her to take some time and think it over.

 

Then walk away my friend. Walk away from the discussion. Take the kids to a movie, to the park, to dinner, whatever. Be be gone for 3 to 4 hours.

 

Then every day, focus on the kids, and what ever you do, don't discuss it again, no matter what she says. Don't get baited into an argument, don't discuss the past details, just tell her, simply and calmly, that you understand why she would feel that way, frown slightly, and walk calmly away to focus on something else to do with the kids.

 

If she moves out, then you weren't ever going to be able to save the relationship anyway, it was too far gone. At least you end it on a positive note with your self respect and, most importantly, some begrudging respect from her.

 

If she doesn't move out ... then you have to continue to NOT ARGUE. Don't DISCUSS the past ANYMORE, AT ALL, unless you are in the presence of a qualified Therapist. Just smile, agree that she's got a point, then change the subject.

 

Just focus on the kids. Let time be your friend.

 

This is good advice too, especially if you have been arguing a lot recently. Mental judo. Listening is a powerful tool. I learned it while we were separated to a certain extent. I am a bit of a talker/pusher (should be obvious by my posts) rather than a listener, lol.

[flash582]

Then I can only give you one further piece of advice. If you really want her back, that is.

 

Once she's moved out start dating again. Immediately.

 

Make sure word gets back to her, so do it publicly.

 

Don't discuss it if she should ask. Then use the No Contact or minimum contact strategy you've probably read about on here as well.

 

I went through something similar with my first wife. When she moved out I did all the wrong things, called her, begged her to come back, cried on the phone, called her family and friends. As you can imagine, this was NOT a successful strategy. Then I read the book "how to stop your divorce". Started dating and minimum contact the next day, that was 8 years ago. She came running back all right, within a month, but by then I figured out that I didn't want her back. I discovered that I could actually have a good time with women without everything turning into a huge fight!

 

Unfortunately, I can't get rid of her now, she's even followed my across country when I moved last ... you know ... "for the kids". So use this strategy with care my friend. It's very powerful regardless of the person who's leaving. You may actually get what you want now to discover quickly that it's not really what you want going forward.

[flash582]

Maybe good advice, but not sure it is timely. She gets her new place on Monday. It is amazing, 10 days after she told me she wants to live separately, it is done...

 

 

In her mind she's been moving out for months .... telling you was the last piece (and the most difficult).

 

Sorry man .... its a bitter pill to swallow. Been there, done that.

 

However .... not all is lost. You are still young enough to get on with it. Join one of the online personals sites. State clearly that you are just looking for friends to go out with ..... then start meeting a few ladies for coffee.

 

For gods sake ... don't talk about your Wife, however, or your failed relationship. Watch the news and read the newspaper to get up to speed on current events.

 

Talk to them like you'd talk to your best friends sister ... respectfully, but a bit playfully, and innocently. Talk about her kids and your kids. Talk about work. Avoid your ex like the plague.

 

Good luck ... we're all pulling for you.

[stillshocked]

Came home last night to find a bunch of stuff already moved out. House is beginning to look empty.

 

Conflicting emotions right now of being relieved and sad at the same time.

 

I have accepted that it is over (why else would she sign a year lease?)

 

Her Mom called me last night and told me that 'I will always be part of the family'. She was against her daughter leaving me.

 

I was hesitating telling a lot of people as I guess I was still in denial but now I am telling everyone and I am able to keep my emotions in check while doing it.

 

Having been single for 10 years, but I am only 33, so still young by some standards. Oh well, time to move on...

 

Appreciate everyones support.

[flash582]

Life and dating is a lot different at 33 than at 23. Most women have moved well beyond the drama stage and are looking for a good man to settle down with.

 

You'll have no problems.

 

Now get out there.

[toddro]

Life and dating is a lot different at 33 than at 23. Most women have moved well beyond the drama stage and are looking for a good man to settle down with.

 

You'll have no problems.

 

Now get out there.

 

Whooaa there Trigger, I disagree 100%...not that it is different because it is..but I have found more 23 year olds ready to settle down than 33 year olds...at 23 its all about proving your independance from MOm and Dad and having no clue about what life is really like, therefore confusing your first "Mature" relationship ( IE, maybe having your own place) with a life long committment...which is why most fail in spite of that fact.

 

At 33, most women I have seen are hitting a mid life crises and ready to have an affair or play the field.

 

Only after hitting the early 40's are they both mature enough to be in a long term relationship and over the " Oh my God, I am getting a few wrinkles and a grey hair or two meltdown"

 

 

Men are the same, just the numbers are different.

[stillshocked]

At 33, most women I have seen are hitting a mid life crises and ready to have an affair or play the field.

 

Only after hitting the early 40's are they both mature enough to be in a long term relationship and over the " Oh my God, I am getting a few wrinkles and a grey hair or two meltdown"

 

 

Men are the same, just the numbers are different.

 

This is fine for me. Kids come first now, relationships second. I think I am actually more inclined to play the field than settle down again. I have been out the game for awhile, but the prospect of being able to 'hang out' with someone, no strings attached, etc. is appealing.

 

Back in my 20's I felt that was what I was supposed to do (get married, buy a house, have kids) and now that I have done that, I don't think I would have the same expectations/pressures in a relationship.

[toddro]

This is fine for me. Kids come first now, relationships second. I think I am actually more inclined to play the field than settle down again. I have been out the game for awhile, but the prospect of being able to 'hang out' with someone, no strings attached, etc. is appealing.

 

Back in my 20's I felt that was what I was supposed to do (get married, buy a house, have kids) and now that I have done that, I don't think I would have the same expectations/pressures in a relationship.

 

I think you are well on your way with a good outlook.

[stillshocked]

Been awhile since I posted. I thought I was doing OK, keeping busy, etc. I thought knowing that my stbx didn't want to be in my life was enought for me to move on. But in the last couple of days I had nagging questions on why she didn't becuase I never fully understood.

 

I drove past her new place and saw a car in her driveway. I ended up calling her to talk and she told me her girlfriend was over watching TV. Well, I ended up going back and waiting for them to leave, following them, and finding out it was a guy from her work. When I contronted her she still denied anything was going on, and claimed that her girlfriend had been over earlier too. She still swears on our sons life that there is nobody else.

 

Anyway, I said my piece last night. How I felt this was all her decision, etc. and that she walked away when the going got tuff, etc.

 

I am so angry at her though. How do I not end up hating her?

[imagine]

Clearly you are still jealous of her. Will a PI help? Will this give you any legal advantage?

 

Anyway what was a guy doing in her house alone with her? Advertise this fact to all of her family.

 

Otherwise, leave her alone and have nothing to do with her, ever! She is sowing her wild oats.

[2sure]

You wont end up hating her.

Having read all of your thread and posts - I can see that you are a helathy person. Your hurt right now, and rightly confused. You arent going to get all the answers. (Sigh).

 

But you know, getting those answers is not going to feel like a priority to you for very long. And when the answers are not a priority, your pain will be relieved. When your pain is relieved, you will move on from the confusion. And then you will really move on, to your life.

 

Your wife did not leave you because of the lap dance. Either she was looking for an excuse, or it was the final straw. It is possible that she moved out before betraying her marriage vows. Or, she betrayed you and realized she had to move out.

 

You are a good and stable person. You are not going to carry hate.