Why do so many men "never see it coming"?

[Justanotherschmuck]

'Never giving up' is for people that are too emotionally unstable to understand the difference between giving something their all and stupidly remaining steadfast in a toxic relationship.

 

If one walks they are to blame for what? The end result (which they apparently want to come about by this time) or the entire weight of the reasons behind why the marriage was horrible to begin with?

 

I don't understand the rest of your analogy. Some people are driven to engage in risky or bad behaviors because of emotional upheavals. I don't think that anyone would argue that they aren't doing these things of their own free will but they still have those factors that play into the reason why they chose to do so. Are you arguing otherwise?

 

Look, what YOU consider "emotionally unstable", most likely isn't what I consider "unstable". So to save us going back and forth......lets put aside OPINIONS and go straight to the heart.

 

If, on your wedding day, the day where I'M POSITIVE was described on invitations, by word of mouth, by announcements "the most important day of our lives" and such little things as "the most important person in my life",

you DID NOT vow to make to never give up, than youre right, no foul, no harm.

 

You see, there is ONE aspect that IS NOT an opinion. Did you, or did you NOT, promise to make it last forever, to do WHATEVER it takes? You see, I have a problem with broken promises. I think society in general doesn't dig it much. I mean, would you like to be introduced as " Hey, this is Jim or Jill, great person, but uh, their word doesn't mean much." Doubt it.

 

In the situation of a divorce, he said, she said fills the room. So......the only thing that there is no doubt about is that promises where made. ANd lives went on WITH that promise in back of spouses minds. You break that promise, you BREAK that vow. Unless you think your word means squat or lying is a positive, I think the problem with that is pretty obvious.

 

I never, ever said that the walkaway is to blame for ALL the problems. They are to blame for the death blow. They quit. They BROKE THEIR PROMISE. I know you consider that "unstable". I consider not quitting ADMIRABLE.

 

Nor do I think that there are NEVER any reasons to end a marriage. Is a spouse PHYSICALLY abusive? (Emotional abuse varies so much from person to person, saying NO is emotional abuse to some) If he or she beats the snot out of their spouse, thats done. Go. Leave. No one has the right to lay their hands on another (with one huge exception). Does your spouse carry on with the ladies or has taken on being a cougar as their latest hobby? Do they REFUSE to give the other person up? Then take a walk. Leave.

 

But for me, those are the two exceptions. Again, we all have opinions. The only thing that is NOT an opinion is THAT PROMISE. If you think a marriage should be open to ending for any reason you like, then why not just leave the loving vows out of your wedding. Just don't say anything romantic or loving. Cut right to the chase. "We promise to be married as long as one of us doen't become unhappy. If my spouse lets me down to often, or doesn't provide financially, or becomes unattractive or obese, doesn't bathe enough, doesn't cook well enough or spends enough time with the kids, well then, we will end it, divorce. But if not, we think we want to take a shot at this thing."

 

I like "till death do us part" a lot better. It may be naive and unrealistic, but I'll take it.

 

Oh, and you STILL take that drink on your own. You OWN that behavior.

You may have been influenced by your past to have that drink in your hand, but to bend that elbow and bury it down the hatch is a decision you make on your own.

[Justanotherschmuck]

This might come as a shock but a lot of people aren't really interested in staying married to somebody that's so tuned out that you need to bash them in the head with a brick to get their attention.

 

If my ex had paid half as much attention to what I was saying to him as he did to porn and ogling college girls he might have actually had a clue.

 

I'm sorry, porn and chasing skirts is always wrong, no exceptions and it must suck to be married to that.

 

But, I also sorry to repeat it. Vows. They don't mean put up with everything and just suck it up. They mean to ALWAYS try to make things better.

 

But, I am ashamed that a man would do that to a lady he PROMISED to love. A spouse DESERVES to be able to depend on those promises.

[soserious1]

I'm sorry, porn and chasing skirts is always wrong, no exceptions and it must suck to be married to that.

 

But, I also sorry to repeat it. Vows. They don't mean put up with everything and just suck it up. They mean to ALWAYS try to make things better.

 

But, I am ashamed that a man would do that to a lady he PROMISED to love. A spouse DESERVES to be able to depend on those promises.

 

Oh I did "make things better" I divorced him and now pay him alimony, he can chase skirts on my dime.

 

Those "vows" you keep posting about? I might have made the rupture of those official but he broke the contract long before we ever saw the door of the courthouse.

 

Honoring vows doesn't mean that just one person is stuck sitting there till the day they die trying to make things work while their partner just continues happily doing whatever is they feel like doing.

[Justanotherschmuck]

Oh I did "make things better" I divorced him and now pay him alimony, he can chase skirts on my dime.

 

Those "vows" you keep posting about? I might have made the rupture of those official but he broke the contract long before we ever saw the door of the courthouse.

 

Honoring vows doesn't mean that just one person is stuck sitting there till the day they die trying to make things work while their partner just continues happily doing whatever is they feel like doing.

 

I'm glad youre making a cheater pay. Really. But walking out is still wrong.

You made a PROMISE. This promise is the word "vows". Vows are a promise. And breaking one is NEVER something to pump your chest out for. Sorry. A liar is NOT a good thing. Never, ever is.

 

But, as I've posted before, if your hubby had babes on the side and refused to lose the parasites, well, you did the right thing in leaving, IMO. Its MY OPINION.

 

But, is must insist, if EVERYONE kept their word, the world would be a HUGELY BETTER PLACE. And the most IMPORTANT promise a person can make is the promise they make on their wedding day. And if ONE spouse breaks those vows, well, its still wrong to do the same.

 

But, I repeat, if he couldn't keep it in his pants, and you gave him a chance to redeem himself and he refused, well then you should have bought track shoes. Unceasing infidelity and physical abuse trump any wedding day promises.

 

Honoring vows doesn't mean that just one person is stuck sitting there till the day they die trying to make things work while their partner just continues happily doing whatever is they feel like doing.

 

Sorry, HONORING your vows MEANS EXACTLY that. Honoring is a tough, tough thing to do. My wife hasn't treating like a human being in over 2 years. But, what am gonna do, I promised forever, and unless she files, this will be my future. Do I like it? No. Am I thrilled? Hardly. But a promise is a promise. This promise is the start and basis for our relationship. I believe God sanctioned this and if I have to spend years trying to make this ok, so be it. Our relationship is sacred...admittedly to me only at this point, but two wrongs don't make a right. I feel betrayed, I feel like a fool, but again, I am a man of my word and breaking it would make me feel far worse. I will ALWAYS be my wifes husband, REGARDLESS of what she does. I dated her for 8 years in order to make sure my feelings were justified. They were, and they are. If she chooses to divorce, SHE will be divorced. Me, well, I made a call and will stick by it. Life throws you some sucky pitches a lot. ANd after all the crap people chuck at you has subsided, you have to look at yourself and ask, "Have I become them, have I sold out my values, my beliefs?" I don't much feel like answering yeah to those stupid questions.

[sumdude]

Justa..

Know where you're coming from. There are times in life where those decisions are completely out of our own hands.. and all you can do is let go. At least that's how it came down for me, I was still there, still willing and she left, I had no choice but to move on. The commitment, the vows were broken and there comes a point where dragging your soul through nothingness becomes self destructive.

[PWSX3]

There are two people on a marriage & you can keep your vows, but the other spouse also has there choice & if they don't want to keep the vows then their isn't much you can do....

I felt I did everything in my marriage, but the stbxw was done & didn't want to work on it, then when I saw she filed & I signed the papers that was it for me.

[Dad_of_3]

There are two people on a marriage & you can keep your vows, but the other spouse also has there choice & if they don't want to keep the vows then their isn't much you can do....

I felt I did everything in my marriage, but the stbxw was done & didn't want to work on it, then when I saw she filed & I signed the papers that was it for me.

 

 

And my main man Perry hasn't looked back since.

 

Any person who wants to take someone as an example, please so a search for posts made by PWSX3. Someone who has gone through the highs, lows and the inbewteen and come out stronger and better than what he was. Facing your insecurities and demons and coming out taller and better on the other side.

 

Its a long struggle but well worth it.

 

* A little off topic

[PWSX3]

And my main man Perry hasn't looked back since.

 

Any person who wants to take someone as an example, please so a search for posts made by PWSX3. Someone who has gone through the highs, lows and the inbewteen and come out stronger and better than what he was. Facing your insecurities and demons and coming out taller and better on the other side.

 

Its a long struggle but well worth it.

 

* A little off topic

Dad of 3, wow it's been a while, send me a PM & share what has been going on with you.....

[soserious1]

I'm glad youre making a cheater pay. Really. But walking out is still wrong.

You made a PROMISE. This promise is the word "vows". Vows are a promise. And breaking one is NEVER something to pump your chest out for. Sorry. A liar is NOT a good thing. Never, ever is.

 

But, as I've posted before, if your hubby had babes on the side and refused to lose the parasites, well, you did the right thing in leaving, IMO. Its MY OPINION.

 

But, is must insist, if EVERYONE kept their word, the world would be a HUGELY BETTER PLACE. And the most IMPORTANT promise a person can make is the promise they make on their wedding day. And if ONE spouse breaks those vows, well, its still wrong to do the same.

 

But, I repeat, if he couldn't keep it in his pants, and you gave him a chance to redeem himself and he refused, well then you should have bought track shoes. Unceasing infidelity and physical abuse trump any wedding day promises.

 

Honoring vows doesn't mean that just one person is stuck sitting there till the day they die trying to make things work while their partner just continues happily doing whatever is they feel like doing.

 

Sorry, HONORING your vows MEANS EXACTLY that. Honoring is a tough, tough thing to do. My wife hasn't treating like a human being in over 2 years. But, what am gonna do, I promised forever, and unless she files, this will be my future. Do I like it? No. Am I thrilled? Hardly. But a promise is a promise. This promise is the start and basis for our relationship. I believe God sanctioned this and if I have to spend years trying to make this ok, so be it. Our relationship is sacred...admittedly to me only at this point, but two wrongs don't make a right. I feel betrayed, I feel like a fool, but again, I am a man of my word and breaking it would make me feel far worse. I will ALWAYS be my wifes husband, REGARDLESS of what she does. I dated her for 8 years in order to make sure my feelings were justified. They were, and they are. If she chooses to divorce, SHE will be divorced. Me, well, I made a call and will stick by it. Life throws you some sucky pitches a lot. ANd after all the crap people chuck at you has subsided, you have to look at yourself and ask, "Have I become them, have I sold out my values, my beliefs?" I don't much feel like answering yeah to those stupid questions.

 

I'm not christian and adultery is grounds for divorce in my state. When you talk about "liars" and broken promises all I can say is this.. my ex lied when he promised fidelity, he broke the vows repeatedly. He ended our contract I just made that breech official with the state. My only problem with my action is that I didn't take action and file for divorce sooner, I might have a shred of dignity and self-esteem left if I had.

 

Oh and he doesn't pay me alimony.. I pay him, I was the breadwinner in the marriage.

[Trimmer]

Honoring vows doesn't mean that just one person is stuck sitting there till the day they die trying to make things work while their partner just continues happily doing whatever is they feel like doing.

Sorry, HONORING your vows MEANS EXACTLY that. Honoring is a tough, tough thing to do. My wife hasn't treating like a human being in over 2 years. But, what am gonna do, I promised forever, and unless she files, this will be my future. Do I like it? No. Am I thrilled? Hardly. But a promise is a promise. This promise is the start and basis for our relationship. I believe God sanctioned this and if I have to spend years trying to make this ok, so be it.

 

So, I'm playing devil's advocate here, and observing that you are taking a pretty absolutist position that "vows are vows," and you stick to the literal words you spoke until death. That pretty much sounds like your position, yes?

 

So, question for this poster: what is your reasoning behind giving a pass for certain specific circumstances:

But, I repeat, if he couldn't keep it in his pants, and you gave him a chance to redeem himself and he refused, well then you should have bought track shoes. Unceasing infidelity and physical abuse trump any wedding day promises.

I'll bet that the phrase "...unless you..." did not appear anywhere in your vows, so how do you justify walking away from those vows you solemnly swore before your community and your god, for these specific, isolated reasons?