Why do so many men "never see it coming"?

[BCCA]

Men dont understand things unless were told. One the one hand, you want a guy to be confident and not worry about the status of the relationship, but on the other hand, you want us to figure out what the problems are and how severe they are without any input. And trust me, being upset for no reason on a random afternoon because of what we did 2 weeks ago is FAR from a clear message.

 

I hear a lot of women upset because their SO did/didnt do something, and then you ask them if they mentioned it, and they say 'no, but he should know'. Thats irrational thought.

 

When I think about leaving someone, I let them know that we have problems, what they are, and what we need to do for me to be ok. Then, I give them time (how much depends), and if things dont get better - I warned them, its over. Hopefully they do.

 

Women harbor bad feelings indefinitely, never say a word to their SO (even though they tell everyone else), and then act like he should have just figured it out.

[toddro]

I think a lot of it is the vauge terms some women use.

 

" I'm not happy" -- Ok Why are you unhappy, what exactly do you require to "be happy"...and am I to assume it is my sole responsibility to "make you happy?"

 

" I feel unappreciated" -- Ok, give me an example...because you know what..so do I... do I get a thankyou for knocking out the house payment this month? Do my kids say thanks Dad for the hot water? No, do I need a cheering section everytime I cook dinner, or take care of the kids or the other million things that both you and I both do every day?

 

" You dont talk to me anymore" Codespeak here for I want you to sit there and listen to me nag and bitch about all the things I am unhappy about and why it is all your fault that my own self esteem is in the dump. In other words, I dont want to talk with you ; I want to talk at you.

 

" I dont feel loved"-- In other words, this relationship is starting to require a little effort on my part, and there is this guy who wants to get in my pants at work, Uhh Uhh..I mean he appreciates what I have to say and he likes me...he really really likes me.... and its all rainbows and butterfly's for us because we are soul mates...not because we are banging each other behind everyones back without the day to day of two jobs, three kids, a mortgage, roof that needs repair, dogs need to be fed, grass needs to be cut, school, little leauge, car payments, braces, doctor visits and what the hell we are gonna have for dinner....no no thats no it, we are soulmates.

 

Oh and did I mention that it is all your fault that I decided to wait for the Love Boat heading to Fantasy Island to come along so I could jump over to it while I left you down there desperatley bailing water and trying to get the Titanic to shore so repairs could be made. Yeah, its all your fault. I know the Titanic is a grand ship and probably worth saving, but it just looks like it might require a little work on my part..The Love Boat is much easier.

 

Click Here for a more "straight forward" explanation:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfSspdf8QWo

[Gunny376]

Men respond more to in your face confrontations, aka "You got a problem with me punk! Bring it on!"

 

Women are more subtle about confrontation.

 

Having been a Marine, I respond to "What is your major malfuntion! WTF is your problem?! You need to un-f**k yourself!" than I do ~ we need to talk? (Said passively)

 

I hear that I'm "Def-com 4" and on high alert!

 

I hear, "You and I got a problem! And you seriously need to get with the program!" I'm all ears and taking notes!

[Taramere]

Men respond more to in your face confrontations, aka "You got a problem with me punk! Bring it on!"

 

Women are more subtle about confrontation.

 

Having been a Marine, I respond to "What is your major malfuntion! WTF is your problem?! You need to un-f**k yourself!" than I do ~ we need to talk? (Said passively)

 

I hear that I'm "Def-com 4" and on high alert!

 

I hear, "You and I got a problem! And you seriously need to get with the program!" I'm all ears and taking notes!

 

That's probably a very effective approach in macho environment where there's a clear chain of command, people are in crisis handling mode and the person in charge is issuing instructions in a confrontational manner.

 

I question whether, in reality, many men would respond kindly to their wives adopting that approach. Does anyone want to live in an environment where any problems are discussed as though there's an enormous iceberg 20 metres ahead?

 

Imagine being a kid, sitting in your room and overhearing the following:

 

" I'm not happy" -- Ok Why are you unhappy, what exactly do you require to "be happy"...and am I to assume it is my sole responsibility to "make you happy?"

 

" I feel unappreciated" -- Ok, give me an example...because you know what..so do I... do I get a thankyou for knocking out the house payment this month? Do my kids say thanks Dad for the hot water? No, do I need a cheering section everytime I cook dinner, or take care of the kids or the other million things that both you and I both do every day?

 

" You dont talk to me anymore" Codespeak here for I want you to sit there and listen to me nag and bitch about all the things I am unhappy about and why it is all your fault that my own self esteem is in the dump. In other words, I dont want to talk with you ; I want to talk at you.

 

" I dont feel loved"-- In other words, this relationship is starting to require a little effort on my part, and there is this guy who wants to get in my pants at work, Uhh Uhh..I mean he appreciates what I have to say and he likes me...he really really likes me.... and its all rainbows and butterfly's for us because we are soul mates...not because we are banging each other behind everyones back without the day to day of two jobs, three kids, a mortgage, roof that needs repair, dogs need to be fed, grass needs to be cut, school, little leauge, car payments, braces, doctor visits and what the hell we are gonna have for dinner....

 

There's got to be some medium between under-reacting, and treating every incident of spousal discontent as though the four minute warning's going off.

 

There are pros and cons to the very direct, confrontational approach. It's good where people aren't responding to a crisis and you need to get them to sit up and pay attention....but if it's used for every little problem then it just becomes an unnecessary source of stress. Like the boy crying wolf, if you adopt a confrontational approach for everyday niggles and problems, people start shutting down and not listening or making any effort to communicate any more. Over-use of the confrontational, aggressive approach = losing authority and respect in everyday life. It looks too much like panic and poor anger management.

 

I reckon if the above is typical of the kind of conversation Toddro is having with his wife - or wants to have with her, then it's time for the Toddros to toddle off to marriage counselling....because that sounds like a million miles from the kind of peaceful, relaxing environment that home should be.

 

So your spouse feels unhappy and unappreciated at times. That's probably part of the human condition and part of being married. It doesn't necessarily merit calling the emergency services, nor does it merit flooding with rage and frustration. That's Jerry Springer stuff, and frankly I think anyone who can't respond to an "I'm not very happy right now" without hitting the roof needs to talk to their doc about how their stress levels can be addressed so that they don't over-react and flood with anger in response to every attempt to initiate a conversation.

[Woggle]

The my way or the highway approach applies when a man has tried everything under the sun to make a woman happy and she still resents the hell out of him. After a while he needs to cut his losses and tell her she can love him or leave him alone. A couple can work things out in a dimplomatic fashion but that requires dimplomacy on her end and an ability to at least see things from his side even if she doesn't always agree.

[Taramere]

But Woggle, you seem to be looking at things in terms of extremes. No man should be doing everything under the sun to make his wife happy. You knock yourself out for anyone to that extent and you're going to spoil them in the same way that you'd spoil a child.

 

Can you not see how leaping from

 

a) doing everything in your power to make another person happy, to

b) shutting down and adopting a completely uncompromising stance

 

involves two unhealthy extremes of behaviour? If you don't, first and foremost, set yourself standards that involve conducting yourself in a reasonable and balanced way (ie not being a sucker, but certainly being someone who is open to discussion and negotiation) then it's unfair to expect others to.

[TrustInYourself]

I think we know enough not to expect you to be perfect knights in shining armor. All we're asking for is compromise. Meet us half way with all of this. Women have pride and ego too. Pride can be a vicious animal by the way. I don't know what the answer is but there certainly seems to be too much talk about how men just aren't wired to communicate. That is the biggest problem IMO. Get wired.

 

We have a different emotional mindset. I don't get shopping. Why go looking for something to buy for hours?

 

Why don't women get wired for sex? Or football? Or games? Or action flicks? Or MMA fighting? Or drinking beer? Or sex?

 

If you women get wired in those ways, perhaps men can get wired in ways women prefer.

[TrustInYourself]

Well, the problem is that you all are not seeing the lack of intimacy as a problem.

 

Work toward understanding your partner as if a promotion depended on it. Treat your wife as you would treat your car. Tending to her emotions is like changing the oil.

 

As for the OP, her husband hasn't changed the oil in 8 years. I don't know what kind of car can run without a regular oil change. So, this is an extreme case. The sheer fact that you are even considering anything is amazing to me. I would have conked out years ago. And maybe you are just sitting in the driveway, waiting for him to get his tools together and service your engine-At least make an effort to restore.

 

In the end, I'll say you'd probably need a handy guy who appreciates you and is good with maintenance.

 

We talking emotions here of physical affection?

[TrustInYourself]

I think a lot of it is the vauge terms some women use.

 

" I'm not happy" -- Ok Why are you unhappy, what exactly do you require to "be happy"...and am I to assume it is my sole responsibility to "make you happy?"

 

" I feel unappreciated" -- Ok, give me an example...because you know what..so do I... do I get a thankyou for knocking out the house payment this month? Do my kids say thanks Dad for the hot water? No, do I need a cheering section everytime I cook dinner, or take care of the kids or the other million things that both you and I both do every day?

 

" You dont talk to me anymore" Codespeak here for I want you to sit there and listen to me nag and bitch about all the things I am unhappy about and why it is all your fault that my own self esteem is in the dump. In other words, I dont want to talk with you ; I want to talk at you.

 

" I dont feel loved"-- In other words, this relationship is starting to require a little effort on my part, and there is this guy who wants to get in my pants at work, Uhh Uhh..I mean he appreciates what I have to say and he likes me...he really really likes me.... and its all rainbows and butterfly's for us because we are soul mates...not because we are banging each other behind everyones back without the day to day of two jobs, three kids, a mortgage, roof that needs repair, dogs need to be fed, grass needs to be cut, school, little leauge, car payments, braces, doctor visits and what the hell we are gonna have for dinner....no no thats no it, we are soulmates.

 

Oh and did I mention that it is all your fault that I decided to wait for the Love Boat heading to Fantasy Island to come along so I could jump over to it while I left you down there desperatley bailing water and trying to get the Titanic to shore so repairs could be made. Yeah, its all your fault. I know the Titanic is a grand ship and probably worth saving, but it just looks like it might require a little work on my part..The Love Boat is much easier.

 

Click Here for a more "straight forward" explanation:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfSspdf8QWo

 

LOL. I like.

[donnamaybe]

One reason could be some men are like a fervent poster on LS who claims to know all the facts and that one of them is that career women aren't REALLY happy and he knows the true road to happiness which is to be a stay at home mom and housekeeper and let "the man" bring home the bacon. Then eventually this "happy" wife grows up and realizes she's not REALLY happy and high tails it. These kinds of guys are very narrow in their views and arrogantly choose to believe that what they conjured up in their heads is "The Truth," so when the wife bails, they're at a complete loss as to why when they've given their W's all the money they could ever want.

[TrustInYourself]

One reason could be some men are like a fervent poster on LS who claims to know all the facts and that one of them is that career women aren't REALLY happy and he knows the true road to happiness which is to be a stay at home mom and housekeeper and let "the man" bring home the bacon. Then eventually this "happy" wife grows up and realizes she's not REALLY happy and high tails it. These kinds of guys are very narrow in their views and arrogantly choose to believe that what they conjured up in their heads is "The Truth," so when the wife bails, they're at a complete loss as to why when they've given their W's all the money they could ever want.

 

Is this not two sides of the opposite coin? What is really happy? Who is really happy? How much does perception relate to the equation of happiness?

 

What is the alternative? Work less, have less, and ultimately still be left behind by a wife who does not understand or care. What about the man who dedicated his life to their cumulative happiness?

 

Happiness is subjective. Ask many men and women who leave thier marriage if they are truly happy after a divorce. Some say yes, some say no. But they all differ, even though circumstances and situations may be extremely similar.

 

Why the attacks on someone's perspective? Is that not being narrow minded?

[toddro]

Is this not two sides of the opposite coin? What is really happy? Who is really happy? How much does perception relate to the equation of happiness?

 

What is the alternative? Work less, have less, and ultimately still be left behind by a wife who does not understand or care. What about the man who dedicated his life to their cumulative happiness?

 

Happiness is subjective. Ask many men and women who leave thier marriage if they are truly happy after a divorce. Some say yes, some say no. But they all differ, even though circumstances and situations may be extremely similar.

 

Why the attacks on someone's perspective? Is that not being narrow minded?

 

 

Bingo! TIY hits nail on the head. At the risk of sounding like a pig, some women have this urgent need for instant validation. They measure their own self worth in the eyes of other people. For some it is their friends or co-workers...for my ex it is other men. She is addicted to the attention of men, Hell she will even tell you that. For years I understood, I mean Hey..we all have our vices..it was never a problem for me because I knew at the end of the day she loved me and was coming home with me.

 

Oh and Taramere..don't pat yourself on the back too hard by trying to sum up and analyze a ten year relationship by reading one of my posts. Im not saying your analysis is genarally flawed, but in my case it is. My ex and I had the best relationship two people could have ever had...she simply has an issue with commitment..with anything for that matter..Job ( never held one more than a few months), school ( dropped out after a year and half of college ) relationships ( I am husband number three)...Hell out of the gate but never can finish the race. Hindsight is 20/20 as the say though.

 

This is my point and advice to women... Passive agressive or subtle hints or " Well, he should know how I feel" DO NOT WORK WITH MEN. We are by nature analytical A to B thinkers. Yes, that means you might have to draw us a picture.

[Taramere]

Oh and Taramere..don't pat yourself on the back too hard

 

Why on earth not? It's about time a bit of credit went where it's due.

 

by trying to sum up and analyze a ten year relationship by reading one of my posts. Im not saying your analysis is genarally flawed, but in my case it is. My ex and I had the best relationship two people could have ever had...she simply has an issue with commitment..with anything for that matter..Job ( never held one more than a few months), school ( dropped out after a year and half of college ) relationships ( I am husband number three)...Hell out of the gate but never can finish the race. Hindsight is 20/20 as the say though.

 

Okay, I'm not trying to sum up your 10 year relationship. I'm giving a reaction (possibly a typically female oneto the style of that particular post.

 

In real life (most usually a professional setting) when I get into disputes with men they use aggression to "win" the argument. It goes something like this: I make a point they don't like, or I say something that annoys them/undermines their argument. I get a whoosh of unwarranted and OTT anger that seems aimed to quash dissent and bring an end to further discussion. I'm fairly used to that ploy, because I grew up with a father who used it constantly....and I've encountered it a lot professionally too. So if I have an argument or a point I want to make, I'll make it regardless...even if I have to wait for the whoosh of disapproval and outrage to burn itself out.

 

So my male opponent (bear in mind I'm talking professionally here - I'm not a misandrist. Well, not all of the time anyway) has to adopt a different ploy. Most usually a more sophisticated approach. Women do it too. Start off with a bull-dozing approach to see if the opponent is easily cowed. If they're not, something more sophisticated is called for.

 

This is my point and advice to women... Passive agressive or subtle hints or " Well, he should know how I feel" DO NOT WORK WITH MEN. We are by nature analytical A to B thinkers. Yes, that means you might have to draw us a picture.

 

Actually subtlety is often very effective. To deny that is to restrict yourself as far as being skilled in communication goes.

 

I've met men who have excellent insight and emotional intelligence as well as being very analytical thinkers. Maybe they have special powers that the average man lacks, but I don't think so. I think it's more likely the case that some men will dismiss certain thinking and communication styles as "too female - I'm a man!!" whereas others will recognise that realistically, not everyone will be cowed into eternal, impressed silence by an aggressive 'STFU' approach.

 

There are plenty of times I've observed a traditional male approaching debate/negotiation in a traditionally masculine manner (direct, blunt...) and thought "I see one or two techniques there that I could borrow in future - albeit it tailoring them into a slightly more feminine approach." Likewise, all the men I know who are skilled negotiators borrow from both the masculine style and the feminine one, according to the skills the negotiation/dispute calls for at any one time.

 

If it's possible in a professional context, why would it not be possible in a domestic one? It's eminently possible for men and women to understand eachother quite well, and to be fluent in eachother's preferred language. I don't buy this "duh - we're men. Watch our fingers skim the ground as we walk. We're unsophisticated thinkers who need to be spoon-fed easily digestible mush. No fancy, hard to understand muck."

 

That's like the male equivalent of the ditzy little girl who claims that it's impossible for her to figure out how to change a flat tyre. Okay - I buy that men of an average or below average intelligence level might fall into that category. Women too. But educated, well socialised men? There's something decidedly disingenuous about those men claiming to be simple, confused Neanderthals who are startled and confused by the complex creatures that women are. Men and women aren't so different in the way our minds work.

 

To clarify - yes, I realise I don't know you. I'm not addressing your character or your life/marriage here. I'm addressing the style you adopted in a post on this thread. I'm addressing the insulting notion that men aren't equipped to understand subtle "womanspeak" and it's therefore up to women to learn to be bi-lingual.

[Woggle]

Your style only works if both sides want dimplomacy. If a woman has you in her target site and has deemed you the cause of everything wrong in her life what else can a man do. How does a man deal with a woman who wants nothing more than to see his balls on a hook?

 

Though nothing is 100% foolproof I think men can decrease their odds of having a walkway wife by looking for the signs before they even commit. If a man looks out for them a woman usually shows subtle signs before hand.

[Taramere]

Your style only works if both sides want dimplomacy. If a woman has you in her target site and has deemed you the cause of everything wrong in her life what else can a man do. How does a man deal with a woman who wants nothing more than to see his balls on a hook?

 

If you're dealing with someone who is absolutely set on seeing themselves as the victim of the scenario, then perhaps there's nothing you can do apart from staying calm and unperturbed - and giving the person an "it's a pity if this can't be resolved, but I'm not going to push you into a situation or agreement that you're not happy with" message. That gives a bit of responsibility (for resolving things) back to them.

 

So rule number one. Try as much as you can to avoid anger and frustration. Not just because it's the adult response, but because the more you show a person that you're feeling frustrated with them the more they'll see it as your job to resolve things. I know it might not seem logical, but it does seem to be how things pan out in practice.

 

When you become that frustrated, parental, judgemental figure, then most often it brings out the other person's childish irresponsible side. Like a tantrum throwing toddler in a power struggle, they'll dig their heels in even more. If you react to them neutrally ("it's a pity if this can't be resolved, but we're both adults. I'm not going to push you. I'm not going to parent you.") you have a better chance of them actually taking some responsibility.

 

Though nothing is 100% foolproof I think men can decrease their odds of having a walkway wife by looking for the signs before they even commit. If a man looks out for them a woman usually shows subtle signs before hand.

 

I think it's useful to observe how people deal with conflicts - not just with you, but with others.

[Woggle]

To me if somebody is intent on seeing themselves as the victim and nothing you say or do will convince them otherwise it is best to just walk away. A man is best to let a woman like that go and move on with his life. Sometimes he needs to go into battle mode in divorce court though.

 

The best for a man to avoid drama with a woman is to end the need to be a knight in shining armor. If a woman is always getting herself into drama there is something that draws her to it. These types don't know to even deal with a normal and sane man who wants a healthy relationship. It is best to find a woman who already has her head screwed on straight.

[OneFootOut]

You know what, I have been using big plain direct words, and drawing simple poster sized pictures for the last several years. No one, male or female, is going to hear, see, or read what is in front of them until they are ready to face it and acknowledge it. I think the 'clueless spouse' has had contacts of DENIAL in their eyes. It's the only thing I can reason after being so clear and direct with my husband all these years. Thank GOD, he has finally acknowledged the problem (that has been killing our relationship since day 1). I was in his face, I was spelling things out, waving banners, writing letters, changing my own behaviors.. heck I did everything short of hiring an airplane to fly overhead with a smoke message.

 

So.. hmm.. maybe its not so much about the wiring as it is about denial-affliction where one gets deaf and blind to the other's words, flashing billboards, and loud screams for help.

[stillshocked]

I was in his face, I was spelling things out, waving banners, writing letters, changing my own behaviors.. heck I did everything short of hiring an airplane to fly overhead with a smoke message.

quote]

 

OneFootOut, after reading your story I have a lot of respect for you for how long you have 'hung' in there and what you have gone through in order to try to communicate with your husband and make things work. To me, your dedication to your marriage shows that you truly are a committed person and one who is not just going to walk away from problems that are not dealt with.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think you are the norm.

 

In my experience, the truth is that most people don't like to hear that they are deficient in some way, it gets their back up and they become defensive. It makes them feel unappreciated for everything else that they do.

 

So in my case did my wife communicate her issues? Yes, she did. But I never understand the severity of the consequences of not meeting those needs. We all have needs, and most realistic people would agree that it is unrealistic to expect to have 100% of your needs met 100% of the time. I mean, hell, I could name off a 100 needs that I didn't get filled by my wife, but I understand that it is not her job to cater to every need I have, given that we have jobs, a house, two kids, ,etc. I think It is up to couples to communicate how important each of the needs are, why they are important, and what the consequences would be if those needs are not met, etc.

[theBrokenMuse]

duh - we're men. Watch our fingers skim the ground as we walk. We're unsophisticated thinkers who need to be spoon-fed easily digestible mush. No fancy, hard to understand muck.

 

You know, I don't buy this as well. It's tough to sell that creatures that are able to learn quantum physics are too intellectually and emotionally stunted to comprehend something as 'complex' as the opposite sex of their own species! It's the equivalent of a girl doing something stupid and then then blaming it on her blondness.

[carhill]

Yep; they don't care. Simple as that. Doesn't matter whether they have an innie or an outie. If they cared as much as they might about that six figure salary or discovering a new source of energy and changing the world, they'd be just as successful in their R's/M's.

[Woggle]

OneFootOut to me is not a walkaway wife. Who woudn't get tired of it after being completely rejected sexually and otherwise by the person who promised to love and cherish them. He situation actually has a lot in common with what many men go through. What I am talking about the women who are just perpetually unhappy and resentful of a man no matter what he does or a woman that resents for not being a psychic even though she smiles in his face all the time.

[OneFootOut]

...

OneFootOut, after reading your story I have a lot of respect for you for how long you have 'hung' in there and what you have gone through in order to try to communicate with your husband and make things work. To me, your dedication to your marriage shows that you truly are a committed person and one who is not just going to walk away from problems that are not dealt with.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think you are the norm.

...

 

 

Thank you so much for that, it means a lot to me.

 

I've tried for so long, and am still trying so hard to save our relationship, and make it work for both of us. He's the best man I've ever had in my life, and he's worth fighting for. But, honestly, I am starting to feel a bit hopeless lately. I'm just so mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTED and drained. I've even gotten shaky now like a leaf trembling on a tree. I can't seem to make it stop. I can't fall apart or run away, because I have to stand up and be strong for my children and carry on as peacefully on the outside as I can, regardless of the turmoil inside.

 

Thank you for giving me some credit and acknowledging my loyalty, devotion, and endurance. I needed that.

[TrustInYourself]

If you're dealing with someone who is absolutely set on seeing themselves as the victim of the scenario, then perhaps there's nothing you can do apart from staying calm and unperturbed - and giving the person an "it's a pity if this can't be resolved, but I'm not going to push you into a situation or agreement that you're not happy with" message. That gives a bit of responsibility (for resolving things) back to them.

 

So rule number one. Try as much as you can to avoid anger and frustration. Not just because it's the adult response, but because the more you show a person that you're feeling frustrated with them the more they'll see it as your job to resolve things. I know it might not seem logical, but it does seem to be how things pan out in practice.

 

When you become that frustrated, parental, judgemental figure, then most often it brings out the other person's childish irresponsible side. Like a tantrum throwing toddler in a power struggle, they'll dig their heels in even more. If you react to them neutrally ("it's a pity if this can't be resolved, but we're both adults. I'm not going to push you. I'm not going to parent you.") you have a better chance of them actually taking some responsibility.

 

 

 

I think it's useful to observe how people deal with conflicts - not just with you, but with others.

 

There are many approaches to communication and I think it's best to tailor your efforts to the individual.

 

You have some powerful arguments and straightforward analysis. Are you typically dealing with really immature men, or by nature of your communication style, you create insecurity in others? I would guess you work in a field where your communication style is needed or appreciated or your past experiences has influenced the way you express yourself.

 

You do realize that by making statements where you passively agressively assume the role of the person of responsibility. You are setting yourself up to take on the communication role of person in charge. I can definitely see how most men would respond to that negativetly.

 

Here's the kicker, do you realize the way you communicate or do you simply focus on the reactions of others as you communicate?

 

My point is, that we all are different. We all respond and act differently, but key is understanding how we influence that dynamic in our relationships.

 

Something to think about.

[TrustInYourself]

You know what, I have been using big plain direct words, and drawing simple poster sized pictures for the last several years. No one, male or female, is going to hear, see, or read what is in front of them until they are ready to face it and acknowledge it. I think the 'clueless spouse' has had contacts of DENIAL in their eyes. It's the only thing I can reason after being so clear and direct with my husband all these years. Thank GOD, he has finally acknowledged the problem (that has been killing our relationship since day 1). I was in his face, I was spelling things out, waving banners, writing letters, changing my own behaviors.. heck I did everything short of hiring an airplane to fly overhead with a smoke message.

 

So.. hmm.. maybe its not so much about the wiring as it is about denial-affliction where one gets deaf and blind to the other's words, flashing billboards, and loud screams for help.

 

I had clear signs she was going to leave.

 

She told me, stop this behavior or I will leave you. What did I do? I chose to ignore it. Why?

 

Honestly, I took her for granted. I was complacent. I figured she was just being emotional.

 

I knew my behavior was causing our marriage to suffer. I decided to change.

 

I was lucky that my wife was willing and able to re-evaluate her feelings for me, after some time and space. She's lucky I decided to create meaningful change in my life.

 

We are back together and it would be extremely difficult for me to stay committed to my changes, if they were not for me, but for her. Thank goodness, I did what I did for my own happiness.

 

Change doesn't happen unless their are consequences. We have to be smacked in the face with the reality of our actions and their impact on those we love and our lives.

 

Why? I guess it boils down to empathy and understanding our wives and ourselves. Do we truly know ourselves? Other people's perception of us? I don't think so, not completely at least.

[soon2Bfiling]

I had clear signs she was going to leave.

 

She told me, stop this behavior or I will leave you. What did I do? I chose to ignore it. Why?

 

Honestly, I took her for granted. I was complacent. I figured she was just being emotional.

 

I knew my behavior was causing our marriage to suffer. I decided to change.

 

I was lucky that my wife was willing and able to re-evaluate her feelings for me, after some time and space. She's lucky I decided to create meaningful change in my life.

 

We are back together and it would be extremely difficult for me to stay committed to my changes, if they were not for me, but for her. Thank goodness, I did what I did for my own happiness.

 

Change doesn't happen unless their are consequences. We have to be smacked in the face with the reality of our actions and their impact on those we love and our lives.

 

Why? I guess it boils down to empathy and understanding our wives and ourselves. Do we truly know ourselves? Other people's perception of us? I don't think so, not completely at least.

Also it boiled down to the basics: It takes TWO to work at it, SHE communicated with you and YOU responed!